Tommy Vu's Three Little Words

"Pork Fried Rice"

SPORTS TICKAAAA

-Barry Bonds plans to celebrate breaking all time home run mark by sticking giant syringe up his ass and give fans the finger.
-Eagles sign QB Kevin Kolb; Donovan McNabb seen sobbing over a bowl of Chunky Soup.
-I bet Tim Donaghy $10 he couldn't stop gambling...
-Gary Sheffield doesn't care about white people.
-Lastings Milledge!
-ESPN plans to shut down when Barry Bonds retires.

Shawn Kemp

Running train since 1985.

Photo from CavsHistory.com

Regarding ESPN's Coverage of the WSOP

If you're one of our 3 regular readers, you've probably noticed by now our love for all things poker related; I admit that I'm a complete sucker for the Phil Laak grey sweatshirt.

The problem is ESPN insisting on showing who won the Main Event THREE MONTHS before anyone can see it on television. If it were on a long tape delay for CBS or TNT, I could see them announcing the winner... constantly. But if they're going to air it themselves, how does it make sense to tell everyone the ending before they can even see the beginning? Maybe most people don't mind finding out, but I absolutely can't stand knowing.

Because I was a victim of this last year, I decided not to watch any ESPN channels for the week prior to and following the Final Table (it was surprisingly easy, ESPN has really slipped) and I haven't found out yet. I'd like to signal a big "fuck you" to ESPN for making me hate sports a little more each time I watch the network.

Scandalous!

In light of the Tim Donaghy scandal, let's take a look at some of the major happenings among the three major sports, and some not so major ones.

The National Basketball Association: Referee Tim Donaghy shaved points on at least 12 different games this past season. Donaghy's gambling addiction led him into trouble with the mob and his way out was to influence some games. There isn't enough evidence at this point to say he was fixing games, but the news is incredibly damaging regardless. The whole thing makes me really sad as I love basketball and it's almost unfathomable to think that the games might not even be legitimate. This is not exactly what da Commmish wants everyone to be focusing on right now, what with Ole Man Oden and king of the bench press Kevin Durant entering the league.

Major League Baseball: Barry Lamar Bonds, Home Run King! I can't help it, I have this sick fascination with him. Every year I take him in the late rounds of my fantasy draft, knowing that he's going to let me down by sitting out every other game, but enthralled at the prospect of 2-2, 2hr 2 BB games.

NFL (fuck spelling out stuff): Ron Mexico is a dog fighting champion. Though it seemed impossible after Pacman's stripo club shooting, this story is without a doubt the kookiest, most bizarre shit I've heard this off season. I mean, I want to make a joke about the whole thing, but they're killing the dogs and abusing them and such, and we here at MDEF2 cannot condone such nonsense.

MLS: Let's stop pretending we care about Beckham for a minute and talk about Posh Spice. Everyone seems to think she's still got this slamming body, and I am here to squash these claims once and for all. The dream is over, Posh. Can everyone stop taking crazy pills and get over the middle aged spice lady?

NHL: Ha.

He came, He saw, He sat on the bench.

So the day finally came. July 21, 2007, the day American sports will be changed forever. Of, course, as a sports writer, I felt it was my duty to watch the game live on ESPN. So as soon as I tuned in, I was looking for our man Becks, and just wondering how long until he scores with a magical kick that bends around defenders. All I had to do was look to the "BeckhamCam," and there he was. Sitting on the bench. Thats right, not only did he not start, but he didn't even come in until the 78th minute. I thought this guy was supposed to be the best in the world,
and he doesn't even start on an MLS team?

Well, we all still watched him, there on the bench, playing with his shoes, talking to his teammates, there are other people on his team if you didn't know. Oh, and at the 65th minute when he got up to stretch and jog around, he got a standing ovation from the fans at the Home Depot Center. He ended up touching the ball about 3 times, and he got totally owned when a Chelsea player slide tackled the shit out of him.

Then, deep into injury time, the Galaxy, you know, the team he's on, got a corner kick. This would be an excellent last chance scoring opportunity, and of course the gave the ball to David. This is what the country has been waiting for, seeing that famous bend. He kicked it....and it got blocked. The Galaxy lost 1-0, and soccer has not changed a bit. Afterwards, all I could do was curse ESPN, the Galaxy, and David Beckham, for not entertaining me.

You say goodbye, I say WTF.

The Many Alter-Egos of Khalil Thabit Greene

Little is known about the Padre's shortstop, but from all accounts he is unlike any other pro ballplayer. No, not he has incredible talent, just that he's kind of a weird guy. Perhaps this MLB thing is not the only life that Khalil leads. But what could it be? Let's look at some of the possibilities from what clues we have.

His name is Khalil, like Superman's Krypton name...?

He is a known follower of the Bahá'í Faith, possibly he is some sort of prophet...


He is said to show little to no emotion, both on and off the field. This has given him the nickname "Khalil-Bot 2000"



If nothing else, well he kind of looks like Spicoli:



You decide! What is Khalil really like? The choice is yours...

Bobby Bonilla Says:

"Eat my butt."

WSOP Player Profile: Greg Raymer

In honor of the 2007 World Series of Poker debuting on ESPN last night, we'd like to take some time over the course of the next few months to see who's a pro and who can't even spell poker.


Today's player? Greg Raymer, the Fossil Man.

"I see your nipples."

Strengths: -Absolutely unflappable. Does not let douchebags like Mike Matusow bother him when they (Matusow) say he has small balls.
-Able to live off of his fat for estimated 2.3 years.
-World Champion

Weaknesses:
-Three chins
-Glasses are not actually x-ray
-Jelly donuts

Super Effective Against:
-Mike Matusow
-Fossil Pokemon
-French people

No Effect On:
-Treadmills

-Daniel Negreanu's balding head.

Quotables:
-(After winning World Series Main Event, a Howard Dean esque...) "YEAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11"

Memo to the Chinese Government:

Stop trying to fuck around with my American sports.

The Chinese, in trying to perfect a move first tried out by all around good guys Steve Francis and Eli Manning, are being complete assholes. Yi got drafted by the Bucks, so guess what mother fucker? You play for the Bucks.
You're a Buck, douchebag.

I think if the Bucks give in and trade Yi to a major city (not that I would mind having the guy on the Knicks, I thank you), the NBA starts sliding down a very slippery slope and big name foreign players will be able to take complete control over who drafts them in the future. I think David Stern needs to sneak into the Chinese Embassy, Jack Bauer-style, and hold someone hostage until the Chinese give in.

We as Americans cannot let Yi and China pull this shit!

Michael Wilbon's Inner Voice

"Why the fuck is Keyshawn Johnson
sitting next to me? I mean, seriously
this guy's got the IQ of potato salad, and
I apologize to my dear friend potato salad
for insulting him."

WSOP Player Profile: Phil Hellmuth

In honor of the 2007 World Series of Poker debuting on ESPN last night, we'd like to take some time over the course of the next few months to see who's a pro and who can't even SPELL poker.

Today's player? Phil Hellmuth, the Poker Brat.




Strengths: -Incredible ability to read other players.
-Berating fellow "players" until they cry or fold.

Weaknesses: -Being a crybaby bitch.
-9 bracelets compensate for microscopic penis

Special Abilities: He can dodge BULLETS, baby!

Super Effective Against: Rock, Steel, newbie players.

No Effect On: Ghost, Normal, Annie Duke

Quotables: "I guess if there weren't any luck involved I'd win every hand."
"You see that honey!? I was supposed to go broke on that hand! But they forgot, I can dodge BULLETS, baby."
"I can't believe this is the World Series of Poker... some of the worst players in the world here. These guys can't even spell poker.

Note: He sort of looks like my Uncle Edddddddddd.

Hallelujah! Our Savior has arrived!

David Beckham arrived in the US on Friday, and everything changed. Oh? It didn't? You didn't feel the very planet shake when his foot first touched American soil? Well maybe not yet, but here are what may happen in the coming weeks:

- Beck's first MLS game, July 21st on ESPN, breaks ratings records. Watched by nearly 40 million households, ESPN decides to take advantage of his popularity. ESPN Classic changes to Beckham Classic. Baseball Tonight is now Soccer Tonight, and for some reason John Kruk is still an analyst. Also, a reality show is created documenting David Beckham's journey's through the local Pathmark, and his struggle in selecting the perfect toilet tissue.

- David Beckham trips over his Personal Cameraman when jogging on to the field for the first time. Becks breaks his leg, tears and ACL, and is out indefinitely. After being carried out on a stretcher, the 40,000 fans that attended the game all walk out of the stadium and the match is played with only two fans remaing, the guy who sells hot dogs, and a 14 year old girl who mistakenly thought all the spice girls would show up.

- Much like when Reggie Jackson came to New York, a candy is made for David Beckham. Hershey comes out with a bag of chocolate covered peanuts with chocolate sprinkles. The package of candy's is called Beckham's Sack. Young women eat-up the candy, despite it tasting like total balls.

Of course, the mostly likely thing that will happen after Beck's arrival:

- Absolutely nothing.

Ch-Ch-Check It Out

Check out the brand new blog of a very good friend to the site, King Carson. His blog is http://heywhodey.blogspot.com/

Things I Will See in Hell...

That actually happened in real life.

As I sat down to eat four delicious tacos, I said to myself, "Boy, I sure would like to watch some sports programming right now, what better than ESPN." Bad move.

ESPN: Baseball Tonight... which usually wouldn't be a problem except it was hosted only by KRUKKIE and your favorite failure of a Mets GM, Stevie P. In addition to these two jackasses, we had Stephen A. giving updates and telling them how much they suck.

ESPN2: Auto Racing. Speaks for itself.

ESPN News: No news today, just the always whiny Mike Lupica and his talking head minions yapping about the "real issues" of sports.

ESPN Classic: All right, maybe here I can get some legitimate old sports, and who doesn't love that? I'm thinking old NBA Finals games, some World Series, maybe even an old hot dog contest. Far from it, my friends. We're subjected to, once again, classic PBA Bowling.

Why must ESPN put me in programming hell?

On the Metropolitans

Yours truly was at Shea for the Mets-Reds game last to kick off the approximate second half of the baseball season. A couple of things to take note of:

I absolutely love releasing Julio Franco and bringing up Lastings Milledge. Franco's numbers have been absolutely horrendous this year; he's slugging .260 in 60 plate appearances, with a nearly as bad .328 OBP percentage, and a BA somewhere south of the Mendoza line. For the Sabremetrically inclined, he's got an EQA of .229 and a WARP3 of .2. In other words, he's old and he's overstayed his welcome in the clubhouse. Some see him as this sympathetic, a sort of "Look at the old man play!" type of thing. But it seems that Franco is the one who's creating rifts between the Latin and white guys in the clubhouse, so good riddance.

Now I realize that Lastings Milledge is thuggish, what with his rap album speaking of the bitches and hos and all the whatnot. I'm going to chalk it all up to just a couple of stupid things he's done and hope for the best, because the man's talent absolutely cannot be denied. He went first to home and a Ruben Gotay single last night to score the winning run, and there is no way Julio Franco was going to do anything like that. So my hopes with Lastings are the same as my hopes with Zach Randolph: Keep the zaniness to a minimum, and just play some good baseball/basketball.

Milledge, healing lepers.

In other, absolutely incredible news, Rickey goddamn Henderson is the Mets new hitting coach. I mean, I never had a problem with Rick Down and he probably shouldn't have gotten fired over guys not having the incredible year that they had last year or living up to expectations (Valentin, Delgado and Beltran). I realize Rickey isn't exactly a character guy; the fella was playing cards while the Mets' ship was sinking during the '99 playoffs. But I can't deny it gives me a special feeling in special places when Rickey Henderson is around, and I can only hope that hilarity ensues.


That said, I hope this team starts playing up to expectations, they are without a doubt better than 9 games over .500 at this point in the season.


Photos from Milledge Facts and Atlanta Braves

The Occasional Sports Ticker

-Alex Rodriguez soon to become youngest player to hit 500 not clutch home runs.
-Tony La Russa inexplicably bats Aaron Rowand over Albert Pujols in bottom of the ninth in the All Star game, later gives Pujols' wife the Shocker.
-Bill Simmons still pretty sure Mike Lowell is done.
-Chaos reigns as Kevin Durant is not strong enough to pick up the ball in a Summer League game.
-Chinese government kidnaps and threatens to kill Andrew Bogut unless Yi is traded to a bigger market.
-Yao Ming sad that he is no longer the only Chinese sensation in the league (if you don't count Wang ZhiZhi).
-Honest Prediction: Darko will actually be good in Memphis.
-Manny Ramirez loves the new Harry Potter movie.
-Prince Fielder, upset over fielding error, eats baseball.

Hot Dog Contest Review

Yesterday's contest was everything it was hyped up to be and so much more. We had everything in this match, folks. There was the douchey announcer who claimed that if you googled "hero" today you would find Joey Chestnut up there with Abe Lincoln and... Taylor Hicks? We were missing, however, a cameo from Eric "Badlands" Booker, a personal favorite of mine. Of course, all the big boppers where there including Sonya Thomas, Kobayashi, Joey Chestnut, Tim "Eater X" Janus, "Burger" Simpson, and Patrick Bertoletti. Bertoletti in particular had a surprisingly strong day, keeping pace with Kobayashi for the first five minutes or so.

They started out trying to get the whole field on camera ( as if it even mattered, right guys?! lolllllllllllllllll) but quickly focused on our two contenders, Kobayashi and Chestnut. They both started out chipmunking, which is a very common style for Chestnut but not so much so for Kobayashi. Any time I've ever seen Kobayashi he's gone primarily with the Japanesing technique, which he would switch over to later in the match.

At points Chestnut had as much as a five dog lead at 39-34, and though it seemed as if his jaw was not affecting him, that Kobayashi was going down without much of a fight. However! Kobayashi began to battle back at a steady pace and managed to tie it up again at 59-59. It was Chestnut who reached 60 first to break his own world record, and this is where it all begins to be too much for the 6-time consecutive champion, Kobayashi.

They appear to be tied at the buzzer, but Kobayashi gives it all up with a Reversal of Fortune! When we come back from commercial we see the final tally is 66-63, Chestnut. This battle was more epic than any sporting event I have ever seen, excluding only Larry Johnson's magical four point play and Robin Ventura's Grand Single. I am now convinced that, as an American, it is my duty to watch the few indulge themselves (professionally!) while many go hungry! America, fuck yeah!

And a very happy belated Fourth of July, America is the fucking balls.

Tim Duncan Wants You to Name a Turk, a Dirk, and a Jerk

"Hedo Turkoglu, Dirk Nowitzki, and....Pj Carlesimo!!!"

Kirby

Let me tell you about a little something that really burns my balls. I consider myself a fairly die hard fan of the Super Smash Bros. video game series. I'm decent at it but generally get outclassed by my friends. The reason my friends are so good is because they know how to use Kirby, easily the most dominant player in the game. Kirby has protection with the Down B rock, an Up B uppercut that is an automatic cliff-KO in addition to being very handy in getting back on the ledge, the ability to fucking steal OTHER PEOPLE'S POWERS (in other words, he's down with OPP), and the best overall jumping in the game. All of these features help make up for Kirby's relatively light frame that gets him knocked around Darko in the paint. It is this domination that makes Kirby not only the most fun, but also one of the most unbeatable (if used well) video game characters in history.

Kirby seen here ready to fucking destroy the
Mario brothers with little to no help from Yoshi,
his supposed ally. (Editor's note: Can you
see the pain in his eyes?)

Now, my problem is not with Kirby. Far from it! Boy-o, does I wants me some of that Kirby love. (Gentlemen, we loved the skunk tails.) The problem, my friends, is what they (Hal Laboratories) did to the incredible Kirby in Super Smash Bros. Melee for the Gamecube.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kirby has been completely and totally pussified in Super Smash Bros. Melee. Whereas he was formerly in a class of his own, Fox, Falco, Sheik, Mario, Doctor Mario, Luigi, Samus, and Link can all compete with and beat the shit out of him. His smash moves have been dulled and his Up B is not quite what it used to be. Basically, he's Pistol Pete on the Celtics. I mean, look at this wimp:

I mean, even Rocky's son in Rocky V could beat the shit out of this thing.

My plea is this: Please, Hal Laboratories and Nintendo, give Kirby back his awesomeness. I can not possibly handle another game of Fox beating the shit out of everyone.

Isiah Thomas: Bad GM, Funny Speaker

"So I said to Carmelo and Marcus... ya'll shouldn't even
be on the court right now."

Official Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Competition Preview

If you are a fan of competitive sports, than this July 4th, forget about the baseball games, the NBA Draft, the NHL (are they still playing?), and you can tape the Arena football games if you really need to. Instead, you need to tune into the single event that really symbolizes our nations Independence.
Of Course, here at MDEF2, we have your preview ready. Now you can impress your friends with all the info on your favorite eaters.


Takeru Kobayashi: The Legend. No single man has changed the world of hot dog eating since Babe Ruth ate a dozen dogs between games of a double header. This Japanese Phenom has won the last six years straight. This year he is closing in on Lance Armstrong-like dominance. However, with recent injuries to his jaw, he is certainly not in his top form. Look for an upset this year.

Joey Chestnut: The Pride of the USA. After watching the Japanese steal the one thing our nation is best at (eating way too much), one man stood up to rise to the challenge. If Japans invasion of the Hot Dog Contest is Pearl Harbor, than this man is our A-Bomb. This bomb was dropped a few weeks ago when he broke Kobayashi's record, with an astounding 59.5 dogs in just 12 minutes. Chestnut's our man, and we will all be behind him this year.


Sonya Thomas: The Black Widow. Yes, ladies are involved, and this 105 pound wonder is no slouch. The Elissa Steamer of competitive eating has her share of world records, including chicken nuggets and fruitcake. If it wasn't for the big two, she would be a perennial winner. Instead, she will most likely lead a close pack, and take third place yet again.


Tim "Eater X" Janus: Although little is known about this man and where his origins are. However, it is known that he consumes food quickly, possibly at super-human rates. He has been spotted on MTV's "True Life: I'm a competitive eater," and later on Discovery Channel's "Cash Cab." By definition, he is a mystery, and what he can do this year is totally unknown.



Patrick Bertoletti: One of the "Young Guns." Like Poker with "The Crew" of young talent, Bertoletti has been spotted chilling with Chestnut. Although not quite in the league of the laders, Patrick is coming up strong, and has the most potential of anybody. The best part, his narsty mohawk and his tendency to dress like Travis from Taxi Driver. Watch out for this Bad Ass Eater (BAE for short).



Eric "Badlands" Booker: This man is in a league all his own. Not for his eating talent, in reality he is just a fat guy and is not a real threat, but for his off the field antics. To date, he has released 3 full-length rap albums. They're hot, no doubt. Badlands might not even show up this year, for he is currently touring around the country.

Well, those are all the heavy hitters in the world of competitive eating. Of course, there are always the unknowns and Cinderella stories, I think we all remember Cookie Jarvis in '02. So look out for Crazy Legs Conti, Rich LaFevre, and all the other eaters out there. And to all the young eaters out there, follow your dreams, and never give up. And, oh yeah, if you throw up it doesn't count.