Announcing the 2018 World Series of Poker

Lon McEachern: Welcome back to our coverage of the 42nd running of the World Series of Poker!

Norman Chad: Here we are Lon, and some may say that interest has gone down since the "Poker Boom" of the early 2000s, but I say... well nobody listens to me anyway.

Lon: Ha, oh Norman.  Well as we move back into our feature table, we see that Jamie Gold is once again our chip leader!

Norm: Man that guy is a douchebag.

Lon: Right you are Norm, we can only hope that needle dick can blow his lead.

Norm: With only 40 people left in the tournament, Jamie now has almost 50% of the chips in play!

Lon: Well you must remember, only 45 people actually entered this thing.

Norm: 45? I've had more ex-wives!

Lon: I know, Norm.  You have some serious commitment issues that need professional help.

Norm: Did I mention Phil Hellmuth is currently in 5th place!  Although all the other professionals have retired from the WSOP after Doyle Brunson died and called the tournament "Super Gay" in his will, Phil has decided to keep playing in order to win more bracelets.  

Lon: That and he stole all of Todd's inheritance.

Norm: Sure do love Phil Hellmuth, Lon!

- Commercial Break -

Miller Lite Commercials now have even larger beer cans that crush entire countries when they make "non-manly" moves.  Here, Austria is crushed for it's involvement in The Sound of Music.

Lon: And we're back!  We skipped ahead, being as that we only get a half hour of air time on ESPN2 now, and are down to our final two!

Norman: Finally the moment we've all been waiting for.  The only big names in the tournament, Hellmuth and Gold, have both been eliminated, and it looks like the bracelet will either go to some quiet old guy, or some annoying asshole just out of college.  

Lon: This sucks, now we're gonna have one of these dickheads on the PokerStars commercials for the next year.

Norman: You know my ex-wife took away my PokerStars account.  She took everything in the divorce, including my manhood...

Lon: Norman no one cares about your fuckin' problems!  No one cares about this fuckin' tournament!  What the fuck!  The Pot is $43,000!  I took a shit and sold it for more than that! Fuck this, I'm going back to announcing the Scrabble world championhsips.

Norman: ... and it's a three!  Looks like Johnny McFucknut is the winner!  I hate my life!

Those Witty ESPN Commenters

J.D. Drew showed his worth tonight ... he is a major part of the reason why there is a Game 7

Wait a second... you're telling me that the guy who hit the game deciding grand slam might be a reason there's a game 7 tonight? Thank god for the featured comments.

Stu Loosawitz, ESPN Classic Programmer

*sob sob sob* Aww man, I wish I was still working with all those guys on SportsCenter. I invented the 28/58 update! Goddamn that Scot Van Pelt for telling the boss I didn't like 'Who's Now.' Nobody liked that shit! That bald prickface is just mad he never gets to co-anchor with that smoking Michelle Bonner.

Now I'm here at this stupid ESPN Classic. Who came up with this skidmark of a station anyway? "hey hey, um, people who want to watch sports on tv, wouldn't want to watch the live events on ESPN, ESPN2, ABC, CBS, FOX, SNY, YES, or the one with the hockey, no I bet they would rather watch some junk from thirty years ago!" Yeah, great idea there Mangenius.

But I'll get them back! Oh yes, sweet revenge. I'll make sure that so few people watch this station, they'll have to shut it down. Then it's back to the Bristol for Big Stu! Hmm, so if I'm gonna sabotage this station, it'll take some real junky programming. I'm talking terrible excuses for sports, that would only be watched by the participants themeselves. Let's see what I got cooked up for tonight! Mwahhahaha!

Regarding ESPN's Coverage of the WSOP

If you're one of our 3 regular readers, you've probably noticed by now our love for all things poker related; I admit that I'm a complete sucker for the Phil Laak grey sweatshirt.

The problem is ESPN insisting on showing who won the Main Event THREE MONTHS before anyone can see it on television. If it were on a long tape delay for CBS or TNT, I could see them announcing the winner... constantly. But if they're going to air it themselves, how does it make sense to tell everyone the ending before they can even see the beginning? Maybe most people don't mind finding out, but I absolutely can't stand knowing.

Because I was a victim of this last year, I decided not to watch any ESPN channels for the week prior to and following the Final Table (it was surprisingly easy, ESPN has really slipped) and I haven't found out yet. I'd like to signal a big "fuck you" to ESPN for making me hate sports a little more each time I watch the network.

Things I Will See in Hell...

That actually happened in real life.

As I sat down to eat four delicious tacos, I said to myself, "Boy, I sure would like to watch some sports programming right now, what better than ESPN." Bad move.

ESPN: Baseball Tonight... which usually wouldn't be a problem except it was hosted only by KRUKKIE and your favorite failure of a Mets GM, Stevie P. In addition to these two jackasses, we had Stephen A. giving updates and telling them how much they suck.

ESPN2: Auto Racing. Speaks for itself.

ESPN News: No news today, just the always whiny Mike Lupica and his talking head minions yapping about the "real issues" of sports.

ESPN Classic: All right, maybe here I can get some legitimate old sports, and who doesn't love that? I'm thinking old NBA Finals games, some World Series, maybe even an old hot dog contest. Far from it, my friends. We're subjected to, once again, classic PBA Bowling.

Why must ESPN put me in programming hell?