"Clash of the Titans" Ruins Happiness

Spoilers, if for some reason you haven't seen this movie but really want to. You are wrong for wanting to see it. I know I was.

-A close recreation of dialogue between Perseus and everyone:

Everyone: Perseus, use your demigod abilities, it's our only chance.

Perseus: Never!

Everyone: Persesus, use your demigod abilities, it's our only chance.

Perseus: Never!

Everyone: We're all dead now, by the way.

Perseus. Now I shall embrace my demigod powers and use them for good!

-There are two female leads. Andromeda, princess of Argos, and Io, a demigod whose rape by Zeus is casually glossed over. Andromeda has no personality and Io is annoying. The actresses look similar and each wears a white toga for the entire movie. They could have tightened the movie a bit by making those characters only one part.

-Throughout the movie, the gods and supporting characters remark how terrible the consequences will be if the Krakken is unleashed. Before the opening credits, the narrator can't even describe the creature, calling it "unspeakable." So you would imagine that showing the monster is going to be some kind of big reveal at the end of the movie and that it's going to be a great moment. Except... the Krakken coming out of the ocean was in almost every trailer, so it was not at all a big deal when they finally showed it.

-Uses the exact same protagonist, Perseus, as a kid's movie that came out in February, "Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief." Both movies also use the Medusa head as the ultimate weapon to stop huge monsters. I know this is a remake, but the concept felt tired after having watched the same tool in both movies, especially when "The Lightning Thief" did it better eight weeks ago. Plus "The Lightning Thief" had Pierce Brosnan. YOWZA, what a centaur stud.

-There's the Star Wars prequels problem of not having a reason to root for the main characters other than the movie telling you that you should root for them. Perseus has no personality and his human companions, who you know are going to get unceremoniously slaughtered at some point, are much easier to root for.

-Nit picky, but: The Kraken is not in Greek mythology. I wouldn't care about that if the monster were interesting, but it's introduced and then killed two minutes later. And yeah, I know the Kraken was in the 1981 version of the movie; it's still stupid.

-Liam Neeson. It's like the director had to dangle Neeson's paycheck next to the camera while filming. He's the only really good actor in the movie and just doesn't have the ass-kicking presence he usually does, despite being the most powerful Greek god. Also, his glowing suit of armor looks ridiculous. Ralph Fiennes does a pretty good job as Voldemo-- err, Hades.

-A close recreation of the dialogue between Zeus and Hades that starts the conflict:

Hades: Hey brother Zeus, I totally have no bitterness over you screwing me over hundreds of years ago. Listen to my plan that will create major bloodshed over a minor problem.

Zeus: Hey Hades, everyone thinks you suck so you should just get out of there.

Hades: No, seriously, just do it.

Zeus. Eh, ok.

-Hades arbitrarily sets up a 10 day time period before he will summon the Kraken, and the soldiers with Perseus travel to see the witches for prophecies of the future. Despite the 10 day wait period, they skip days at a time of their travels and apparently nothing happens. Why not just make it three days where you show exactly what happens?

Grade: Very suck.