Inside the Mets Clubhouse - Where Steve Phillips Has Fully Assumed Control

David Wright: Guys, as a leader on this team, I can't tell you how proud I am of the progress we've made in the last 10 days or so. People have doubted us all year, saying we couldn't pitch, couldn't hit in a big spot, that we didn't have heart. Now we're back over .500 and I think we're ready for competitive baseball all season. I really attribute all this success to--

A crash is heard outside the clubhouse.

Wright: Huh? What was that? ...Whatever. Anyway as I was saying--

Ceiling falls in.

Steve Phillips: I think it has everything to do with my new leadership! Way to go, team!

Wright: Goddammit, Mr. Phillips. I don't want to be disrespectful but we're having a team meeting here.

Phillips: Well that's good because I'm a big part of this team! Ever since I started giving Mrs. Reyes the old Phillips Screwdriver this team has been on fire!

Jerry Manuel: Uh, Mr. Phillips that is uhhhhhhhh.... highly... inappropriate clubhouse decorum.

Phillips: Who gave you permission to talk?! YOU'RE THE LAUNDRY BOY NOW! ISN'T THAT RIGHT, LAUNDRY BOY?!

Manuel: Yes, sir.

Jose Reyes: Hey, Phillips, eat shit. I'm just kind of shocked that she's down with this whole thing.

Phillips: Well she's a real team player, unlike your selfish ass! Let's get back to business here. I really like the way you've been playing lately, Pelf. You're a goddam matador out there. You toy with those batters! Your playing third base tonight!

Wright: What! This is bullshit. He's never even been a position player!

Phillips walks over to Wright and tasers him. Wright falls and convulses on the floor.

Mike Pelfrey: Jesus Christ!

Phillips: Now how do you feel about playing third tonight, Mike?

Pelfrey: Yes, sir! Whatever you say, sir!

Phillips: That's what I thought! Whoever plays the best tonight gets to tagteam Jose's wife with me! OH BABY!

Jose: God damn.