Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Inside the Mets Clubhouse - Where Steve Phillips Has Fully Assumed Control




David Wright: Guys, as a leader on this team, I can't tell you how proud I am of the progress we've made in the last 10 days or so. People have doubted us all year, saying we couldn't pitch, couldn't hit in a big spot, that we didn't have heart. Now we're back over .500 and I think we're ready for competitive baseball all season. I really attribute all this success to--

A crash is heard outside the clubhouse.

Wright: Huh? What was that? ...Whatever. Anyway as I was saying--

Ceiling falls in.


Steve Phillips: I think it has everything to do with my new leadership! Way to go, team!

Wright: Goddammit, Mr. Phillips. I don't want to be disrespectful but we're having a team meeting here.

Phillips: Well that's good because I'm a big part of this team! Ever since I started giving Mrs. Reyes the old Phillips Screwdriver this team has been on fire!

Jerry Manuel: Uh, Mr. Phillips that is uhhhhhhhh.... highly... inappropriate clubhouse decorum.

Phillips: Who gave you permission to talk?! YOU'RE THE LAUNDRY BOY NOW! ISN'T THAT RIGHT, LAUNDRY BOY?!

Manuel: Yes, sir.

Jose Reyes: Hey, Phillips, eat shit. I'm just kind of shocked that she's down with this whole thing.

Phillips: Well she's a real team player, unlike your selfish ass! Let's get back to business here. I really like the way you've been playing lately, Pelf. You're a goddam matador out there. You toy with those batters! Your playing third base tonight!

Wright: What! This is bullshit. He's never even been a position player!

Phillips walks over to Wright and tasers him. Wright falls and convulses on the floor.

Mike Pelfrey: Jesus Christ!

Phillips: Now how do you feel about playing third tonight, Mike?

Pelfrey: Yes, sir! Whatever you say, sir!

Phillips: That's what I thought! Whoever plays the best tonight gets to tagteam Jose's wife with me! OH BABY!


Jose: God damn.

Monday, April 26, 2010

A Quick Update of Tremendous Proportions

I am awfully swamped at the moment with finals week for school, hoping to have a few updates this weekend. If you're feeling generous, donate some money to the Teach Dwight Howard to Shoot Free Throws Foundation. It's a good cause.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Discussions That Never Happen at School Board Meetings

Bud Selig is... your school's superintendent. Image: Source


Superintendent: Hello everyone, and welcome to a location that is not our high school library!


Audience: Here here! Har har!


Superintendent: Settle down, now, and just raise your right hand to ask a question or your left hand to receive a complimentary hot dog. I'd like to get a report from the president of the board of education.


Board President: Mr. Superintendent, I come to you with nothing but wonderful news. None of our kids have are doing drugs or having unprotected sex, and parental satisfaction, according to a poll on our extremely efficient and in no way outdated website, is at an all-time high of 102 percent!


Superintendent: Wow! You get a raise. In fact, every school employee gets a raise. And the state has decided to pay into your amazing health or retirements plans 100 percent and on a permanent basis!


Board President: I would just like to know that I still find this job exciting and am in no way bitter toward any of the taxpayers in this room.


Parent: I have a question that is relevant, well-informed, and I will not shout or cry for the duration of my statement.


Superintendent: Wonderful, that makes 245 of those kind of questions consecutively.


Parent: Is there any way we could add some more teachers to improve our teacher to student ratio? I feel that one teacher to 10 children is obscene and that our children can't learn in that environment.


Superintendent: Well, based on our excellent negotiations during the last collective bargaining agreement and our smart investments in the stock market during a difficult economic time, we have millions of dollars in surplus money. To answer your question: absolutely! We'll add ten new qualified teachers who finished at the top of their class.


Parent: Thank you, your answering my question allows me to continue working under the delusion that I am making a difference in my community!


Superintendent: Well I think this has been a very efficient meeting, does anyone have a problem if we adjourn after only 27 minutes?


Board President: Let's all go get some beers!


::Everyone claps and laughs. Hooray!::

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Maybe No More Swishin', Dishin' or Percolating for Lee in New York

Holds the NBA record for most games played shirtless with one. Image: source.

Wednesday may be David Lee's last game as a Knick. It's a strange circumstance when a one-time all-star, who's only been in the league for five years, and who never came very close to making the playoffs makes an emotional impact on a fan base, but Lee did.


Maybe this eulogy is premature, and it's definitely overly-sentimental. The guy who plays matador defense and who's never going to be the primary scorer on a winning team? This is the guy you want people to connect with? After all, Lee could be back in the blue and orange, and occasionally baby-poop green when the team needs to sell extra jerseys to Irish people, when the team starts playing again in the fall. But even if he's back, the situation will be very different. He won't be the number one guy anymore, unless Isaiah comes back and does terrible Isaiah things. Maybe the Knicks won't get Lebron or Wade, and maybe not even Bosh, but at the very least we're looking at Joe Johnson, Amar'e Stoudemire, Rudy Gay or something else entirely. Even if Donnie Walsh does a bad job in the free agent market, few doubt that the Knicks should be competing for at least a low playoff seed next year.


That should be a positive thing. The Knicks will be a playoff team for the first time since the early part of the last decade (no, Marbury's first year does not count when they lost to the Nets as the eighth seed). The fans will look to move forward and forget about Isaiah, Eddy Curry, Jerome James, Steve Francis, Penny Hardaway, Ronaldo Balkman and many others. Seeing Lee there won't feel right. He'll be rejuvenated like Paul Pierce once Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett jumped on board, probably just thrilled to be there. And really, I hope all that happens. I want the guy to be a winner, and I want him to be a winner as a Knick. I think he could adjust to being the third scoring option and big time offensive rebounder on a contender.


But still, it's the end of an era. If he's a winner, he doesn't stand for what David Lee used to stand for. He becomes a different guy to a fan base without changing himself in any way. After you made jokes about how you were stuck going to see Knicks-Clippers that night, talking about how awful Isaiah was and how fat Curry is, you talked seriously about how great it was that Lee seemed to be getting better by the game and how you appreciated that he hit the offensive glass and worked his ass off every night.


I don't want to say something dopey like suggesting he saved the fans from abandoning the team, because New Yorkers weren't ready to give up, they were just sick of losing. But he made going to the games a lot less embarrassing and gave fans something to cheer about.


He's the rare case where the token, occasionally goofy-looking white guy who you don't take seriously gets progressively better to the point where you see him filling up a stat sheet and ask, "Well when the hell did that happen?" Before last season, it was a serious conversation to talk about whether the Knicks should try to resign Nate Robinson or Lee. Then Robinson imploded and made Lee look like a lock by comparison, but Lee still improved to the point that for the first time he's the team's number one scorer, for better or for worse.


He's no hall of famer, and he's probably not even an all star, and I'm definitely not going to feed you the typical shit that we hear about a star energizing a city like Boston fans did Nomar and how the media talks about the Saints doing to New Orleans. Or, god forbid, how often he smiles and seems to enjoy himself. Just awful. It's not about any of that. David Lee is a good basketball player, and he made watching a terrible, terrible team a little easier to watch. So, whatever happens this summer, happens, but thanks for the slightly less shitty memories.

After This I'm Afraid to Look Up How Herpes Is Spread

An actual public service poster in a Long Island high school's bathroom. Some kid taking a piss probably thinks he's going to have full blown AIDS next time he polishes off a six pack. This sign is like saying that shaking hands with Magic Johnson could lead to HIV. IMAGINE THE POSSIBILITIES!

Saturday, April 10, 2010

"Clash of the Titans" Ruins Happiness

Spoilers, if for some reason you haven't seen this movie but really want to. You are wrong for wanting to see it. I know I was.

-A close recreation of dialogue between Perseus and everyone:
Everyone: Perseus, use your demigod abilities, it's our only chance.
Perseus: Never!
Everyone: Persesus, use your demigod abilities, it's our only chance.
Perseus: Never!
Everyone: We're all dead now, by the way.
Perseus. Now I shall embrace my demigod powers and use them for good!

-There are two female leads. Andromeda, princess of Argos, and Io, a demigod whose rape by Zeus is casually glossed over. Andromeda has no personality and Io is annoying. The actresses look similar and each wears a white toga for the entire movie. They could have tightened the movie a bit by making those characters only one part.

-Throughout the movie, the gods and supporting characters remark how terrible the consequences will be if the Krakken is unleashed. Before the opening credits, the narrator can't even describe the creature, calling it "unspeakable." So you would imagine that showing the monster is going to be some kind of big reveal at the end of the movie and that it's going to be a great moment. Except... the Krakken coming out of the ocean was in almost every trailer, so it was not at all a big deal when they finally showed it.

-Uses the exact same protagonist, Perseus, as a kid's movie that came out in February, "Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief." Both movies also use the Medusa head as the ultimate weapon to stop huge monsters. I know this is a remake, but the concept felt tired after having watched the same tool in both movies, especially when "The Lightning Thief" did it better eight weeks ago. Plus "The Lightning Thief" had Pierce Brosnan. YOWZA, what a centaur stud.

-There's the Star Wars prequels problem of not having a reason to root for the main characters other than the movie telling you that you should root for them. Perseus has no personality and his human companions, who you know are going to get unceremoniously slaughtered at some point, are much easier to root for.

-Nit picky, but: The Kraken is not in Greek mythology. I wouldn't care about that if the monster were interesting, but it's introduced and then killed two minutes later. And yeah, I know the Kraken was in the 1981 version of the movie; it's still stupid.

-Liam Neeson. It's like the director had to dangle Neeson's paycheck next to the camera while filming. He's the only really good actor in the movie and just doesn't have the ass-kicking presence he usually does, despite being the most powerful Greek god. Also, his glowing suit of armor looks ridiculous. Ralph Fiennes does a pretty good job as Voldemo-- err, Hades.

-A close recreation of the dialogue between Zeus and Hades that starts the conflict:
Hades: Hey brother Zeus, I totally have no bitterness over you screwing me over hundreds of years ago. Listen to my plan that will create major bloodshed over a minor problem.
Zeus: Hey Hades, everyone thinks you suck so you should just get out of there.
Hades: No, seriously, just do it.
Zeus. Eh, ok.

-Hades arbitrarily sets up a 10 day time period before he will summon the Kraken, and the soldiers with Perseus travel to see the witches for prophecies of the future. Despite the 10 day wait period, they skip days at a time of their travels and apparently nothing happens. Why not just make it three days where you show exactly what happens?

Grade: Very suck.

Friday, April 9, 2010

The At-bat Music the Mets Should Have

Many years ago, someone thought it would be a good idea to place 10 seconds of a song as each hitter on the home team came to bat. The conversation went something like this:

Guy 1: You know how we have tons of bad music blaring out of giant speakers at all time during our games?
Guy 2: Uh, YEAH, it's awesome.
Guy 1: I know, I totally agree. But what if we have even more music and let each player pick his own music!
Guy 2: Genius! Now let's smash each other's heads with hammers!

But if we have to have the music, let's at least be honest about it...




Silly Jerry, you're supposed to manage, not hit! (Photo from nytimes.com)

Angel Pagan
Song he should have: "Thundercat Freestyle" by Inspectah Deck
Inspectah Deck is an awesome lyricist but maybe the most under-appreciated member of the Wu-Tang Clan. He's effective without being featured very often, just like Pagan had a WAR of 2.8 last year in only 88 games without getting much love. Also, though I am basing this on absolutely nothing, they were both friends with the Ol' Dirty Bastard, which counts for something.

Alex Cora
Song he should have: "Rockstar" by Nickelback
With most popular rock bands, I can at least enjoy them as background music while I'm doing something else, like when I'm saving elderly people from burning buildings. But Nickelback, like Cora's negative .1 WAR last year, actually takes away from my general life experience and makes me hate everything a little more. Just having listened to the song for five seconds so I could copy the link has got my ears all funky.

David Wright
Song he should have: "Cyanide" by Metallica
After a great start to his career, like Metallica's "Ride the Lightning," "Master of Puppets," and "Kill 'Em All," Wright had his worst full season last year, posting career lows in SLG, UZR, WAR, despite an extremely high BABIP of .394. Metallica had an awful stretch including "Load," ReLoad," and "St. Anger." Jesus, those were terrible. But they came back, seemingly out of nowhere, with the awesome "Death Magnetic," just like Wright started off his season with a home run after a big power drought last year. So this one's more hopeful than actual truth but I need to stay away from the ledge as a Mets fan so bare with me.

Jason Bay
Song he should have: "Light My Fire" by The Doors
A really good song by a really good band, but no one's going "Oh my god, Light my Fire!" when it comes on the radio. Also, a bit vanilla and boring, very safe for old people.

Mike Jacobs
Song he should have: "Hammer Smashed Face" by Cannibal Corpse
This song will grow hair on your chest after it makes you poop your pants, but is really only good for massive, raw power. A real battering ram to the face. Just don't expect it to try to get a lame walk to first, buddy.

Jeff Francoeur
Song he should have: "Walk" by Pantera
As in, it's never going to happen. But he seems like a guy who can take a joke (based on all my time in the clubhouse, you see), so maybe this will shame him into taking some more pitches, as he did walk in three straight games to start the year. And just like Pantera was awesome, Francoeur did post a WAR of 3.7 in 2007, so maybe we can assume the assness of his negative 1.2 WAR in 2008 is not going to happen again.

Rod Barajas
Song he should have: "Temporary Secretary" by Paul McCartney
Both are very far down on the list of things you would pick in their respective categories, and like the song says, neither is going to be here for long. Just smile and nod and pretend you get it and wait until it's over, or at least until Josh Thole's ready.

Ruben Tejada
Song he should have: "Everyday Struggle" by The Notorious B.I.G.
For two reasons: watching him struggle to play hurts me, and when Reyes gets back he'll be struggling to get playing time. And Reyes will be totally healthy this time. Maybe. Probably not. How about day-to-day for the next five months? Very comforting.

Song he should have: "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen
Lots and lots of nonstop excellence, unless you have an elbow injury, or contract HIV.

Jerry Manuel
Song he should have: "confused puppy" by some guy on YouTube.
Yeah that about sums up Jerry. "You see, uh... the canine... appears to... uh... be uncertain of its surroundings."

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Curtis Granderson: True Yankee?!

HE'S AWREADY BETTA DAN A-ROD, YO: Curtis Granderson hit a game-winning home run against the Red Sox tonight, so you know what that means: the papers and radio talking about whether or not this gives Granderson "True Yankee" status. Yeah, I don't know what it means either. I think the whole concept started at Duke.

This and Tiger Woods returns tomorrow. Oh, glory be.