Rick Reilly, FJM Style

I know very little about golf. That being said, I've wanted to do something on Rick Reilly for a while and he just happened to write a golf column this week. There was recently an article he wrote about a limbless man who participated in triathlons, but even I am not enough of a dick to mock quadruple amputees. Rick has 14.5 reasons why the U.S. will win the Ryder Cup.

Prediction columns are like Velveeta recipes—too easy and too cheesy.

I think Ricky’s target audience is probably males 18-45, the same as his hated ESPN counterpart, Bill Simmons. While it’s well documented that Simmons overdoes it on the Rocky and Vegas references (tell us one more time about that cold streak at the ten dollar table in ’04, Bill!) at least he’s generally funny and I know what he’s talking about. I honestly have no idea what Velveeta is. This could be me being an idiot and not Rick making a weird connection, so let’s ask Wikipedia… Ah, awesome. It’s cottage cheese. Notable characteristics include its “soft, creamy” texture.

But what's going to happen in Louisville at the Ryder Cup starting Friday will go down as the greatest shocker since

Giants-Patriots 2008? Yankees blowing the 2004 ALCS?

Lyle Lovett married Julia Roberts,

Of course, I nearly fell out of my chair when he mentioned it out of sheer shock. Reilly knows how to appeal to the emotions of the common man.

so here goes

The Americans, playing without Tiger Woods, hopelessly outmanned, with their worst on-paper team since Europe was added to the mix, will pull the Cupset [Ed. Note: LOL] of the Century. They'll need 14½ points to win, which is weird, because that's exactly how many reasons there are that they will.

It really is bizarre that Reilly has the same amount of reasons that there are points needed to win. It’s almost like it was premeditated.

1. For the first time in 12 years, Tiger's out. This will work for the Yanks! Tiger doesn't like this thing. Can you blame him? Does the executioner play on the prison softball team? No. So that Tiger buzzkill is gone.

Finally, the buzzkill of having the greatest golfer ever, playing in his prime, is gone. Thank God. What I’m wondering is to what degree the Americans are going to care about it.

American players are free to care about it, hard.

Well that’s settled, then.

Plus, without Tiger, they're The Little Team That Could. Best of all, the Euros, who usually go bat-guano-crazy whenever they beat Tiger, have no Goliath to slay. Buzzkill back at you.

No, they’re not. They just suck more. That might also be the first bat guano reference anyone’s used in an attempt to be funny since Ace Ventura When Nature Calls. We are off and running!

2. Europe captain Nick Faldo screwed the pooch by not picking Colin Montgomerie. It doesn't matter how bad Monty's playing, when he comes to the Ryder Cup, he becomes Jack Nicklaus on beta blockers. He makes everything. This is a mistake the size of New Coke.

A Google search of Colin Montgomerie reveals this very creepy photo:

Those of you playing at home can cross “New Coke reference” off your Rick Reilly scorecard.

3. There is a man on the Euro team named Oliver Wilson. It was unclear at press time whether Wilson was a member of Parliament or the team haberdasher. It may have been a misprint. He is the first Euro to make the team without ever winning a pro tournament. Perhaps he is Faldo's butler.

Reilly may be a goofy bastard, but the man is supposedly a good golf analyst and the most he can do is make a joke about a weak joke about Wilson’s name? Also, upon finishing the column, Reilly went to his local haberdashery (Haberdashing by Hank, Inc.) to get some clothes haberdashed.

4. Word is USA captain Paul Azinger is setting up Valhalla like a $19 muni, so the Euros' fancy punches and miracle gunch shots won't help. It'll be: bomb the driver, float the wedge, bury the putt. Hell, J.B. Holmes may even skip the wedge part. This USA team is longer than Tolstoy.

We have our first section of legitimate golf analysis. Also, a War and Peace reference is always a nice touch in a golf column.

5. Euros like hard courses and nasty weather. Louisville forecast: sunny, 80 degrees, fairways as open as new 7-Elevens.

Describing the openness of a fairway is not part of a weather forecast, Meteorologist Rick. And I’m a little confused on the 7-Eleven comment. Are newly made 7-Elevens open later than their crusty old relatives? At what point does a 7-Eleven reach the age where it has to start to close, in order to, I assume, store energy? Rick is fucking with my head.

6. Faldo, a great announcer, was icy as a player and he'll be icy as a coach. He usually eats dinner in his room, where—no joke—he'll practice his drops. No Euro will fall on a grenade to win for him. I'm not sure they'd fall on a pillow mint.

Again, are we really going to accept the argument most recently made by Mets fans over Carlos Delgado’s performance that having an unpopular coach will cause a player to intentionally play shitty, hurting his career and making him lose potentially millions? And the mint reference? I think we’re a little over the limit on food metaphors, Rick.

Bonus Half Point Reason: More about Faldo the Fridge. He's such a loner he only has one assistant coach. Zinger has three. So when those morning matches end and Faldo's got 20 mad minutes to figure out who's hot, who's not, who wants to play again right away, who needs a blow and who needs a new partner, he'll need information. He'll need a pair of smart eyes on all four matches. Can't do it with only two sets.

Information, dammit! It’s hyphenated to stress its incredible importance! And there’s no way he could possibly keep up with the matches with some sort of video technology? Tricky stuff, I know, but at least Rick doesn’t think we’re stupid for not –

Duh.

Oh. Nevermind.

7. Every Ryder Cup mints a new star. This time it will be Anthony Kim, a bad ass and a huge talent who's too young to know how big this is. He's about to get very rich.

Badass is one word, motherfucker.

8. There's a grittiness to this team I haven't seen since the Corey Pavin teams in the early '90s. Holmes is tougher than a Costco steak.

Hey now! More food!

He went iris-to-iris-

Which is even closer than eye to eye.

-with Tiger for most of the Accenture Match Play. Justin Leonard is the Hero of Brookline —the last American win, back in 1999—and still has glorious bloodstains on him. Steve Stricker won the Accenture, which is about as close to a Ryder Cup Starter Kit as you can get. Jim Furyk and Stewart Cink have steel sacks. And Boo Weekley once said, "It isn't that I don't give a s***, I just don't give a s*** about golf." You think he'll be scared?

People who curse aren’t afraid of anything.

9. Zinger has a new strategy. He doesn't give a deceased rodent how comfy the team-room couches are. Last time out, Tom Lehman gave the players the best experience ever and still got fricasseed. "I don't want them happy and comfortable," Zinger says. "I want them nervous and a little tense from the start. Because otherwise, when you get to that first tee Friday morning, you're gonna be shocked at the pressure." Smart.

To all those people who say golf isn’t a real sport: Isn’t couch comfiness a major factor in every sport? I can remember those great seventies Steeler teams being inspired on defense because they were so energized due to the couch comfiness in the locker room.

10. Silence is intimidating. Well, Chad Campbell is quieter than a one-man funeral. Ben Curtis doesn't say 10 words in a round. Furyk and Cink can make you think your hearing has gone. You need to lean in to hear Stricker. This squad would make excellent mimes. …

Nothing more exciting than watching a team so boring that its players don’t even talk to themselves.

11. … Except for Weekley. Finally, America has somebody who can say how a lot of people feel about Europe and lettuce sandwiches and $9 cups of Starbucks. The Alligator Hunter once came to the British Open and, when asked about the food, declared he didn't like it one bit. Why? "Ain't got no sweet tea and ain't got no fried chicken." Team spokesman!

Yeah! We’ve finally got a guy who makes rash and probably ignorant generalizations about an entire country’s culture! Also: Crocodile Hunter is the preferred nomenclature, dude.

12. The USA has six rookies who don't know the Euros usually whip the Americans like Rachael Ray whips eggs. They don't know about losing five of the last six, two of 'em Little Bighorns. Ignorance is bliss.

When has going into a tournament of huge importance with tons of rookies? I understand the whole idea of fresh blood, young guys who are “gamers,” and so on, but that hardly seems a good reason why the U.S. is assured victory.

13. Faldo violated the time-honored Too Many Swedes theory. Swedes are the sweetest people on earth. Wouldn't hurt a kipper. No Swede has ever won a major. Faldo's got two on his team.

I think Too Many Swedes would make a great name for a porno.

14. Azinger has always had Faldo's number. In four matches over three Ryder Cups, Faldo never got better than a tie against him. He won't even get that this time.

A bold prediction, but serious analysis to end it. I get the feeling Rick genuinely knows a lot about golf but enjoys being a preening jackass a lot more than he cares about being a legitimate writer. Rick, could you please send us off with some disturbing imagery of you using your tongue in a manner it’s not meant to be used?

That's my prediction. If I'm wrong, I'll tongue bathe Windsor Castle

Thanks.

Take My Wife, Ted

Mr. Thompson,

I understand I've caused something of a ruckus for you and all my former teammates here in the great state of Green Bay. Ted, I can't make it clear enough: I've made a terrible mistake. I thought all the footballin' I did have in me was gone forever, to be replaced by days of being a shitty analyst who laughs at awful jokes on one of the many overcrowded NFL pre-game shows.

I want back in, Ted. I'll do anything. I know you don't want Aaron Rodgers leading this talented group! That douchebag can't even jerk off without blinding himself. I know I fucked up bigtime, and I think Peter King might kill himself if I'm gone, so I've come up with a fantastic solution:

I want you to have sex with my wife.

Now, I know this might come off as "adulterous," or "wrong," or for the intellectuals out there "morally repugnant," but just think about it! As we all know, she's an incredibly beautiful woman, and a sexual dynamo at that. I want to show you how dedicated to I am to this team and the prospect of winning another Super Bowl! We can go over the details in person, but just know that there can't be any weird shit. And no video taping.

Please just consider it.

Thank you,
Brett

P.S. If my wife is not enough I will consider sacrificing my oldest child.

Manny Ramirez, while "Being Manny," Breaks Fan's Hand

In case you haven't seen it, click here to see the gruesome footage of Manny Ramirez attacking a poor, defenseless fan.

In what has become a repeated occurence, Manny Ramirez has shown blatant disregard for human life.  The worst is his defense, saying he was just "being Manny."  This is no excuse for his actions.  First it was his tendency to throw his helmet off while running the bases (an obvious tripping hazard), but then at least he was leaving the fans out of it.  This poor fan (who will remain nameless to protect his safety) first drew the attention of Maniacal Manny with his Red Sox shirt.  He thought he was safe behind the 7-foot wall in left field, but unfortunately the man-beast Ramirez was able to scale the wall in his attempt to destroy the innocent bystander. 

According to the preliminary hospital reports, the fan is expected to make a full recovery.  Our prayers go out to him and his family. 

.300 (OBP)

"Tonight, we dine, in Seatlle!"

MLB Television Scouting Reports

Because my spring break is so awesome, I'm sitting on my couch at 9:30 AM watching the replay of the Yankees exhibition game from last night. YES puts up a "Scouting Report" graphic of the starting pitcher in the first inning of every game, to let the viewing public know a little about how the YES network imagines the starter will pitch after looking and video. With YES (and most other networks that do this), this means just talking about things the pitcher has done in the past, having little to do with his pitch selection or velocity. This isn't me as an irate sports blogger trying to make a point about how stupid the mainstream media is, but rather just as something I found funny, and shouldn't be interpreted as an attack. Today's pitcher: C.C. Sabbathia.
-"Cy" Bathia - C.C. won the Cy Young award in 2007. If any scout gave this in and said, "Hey, boss, I figured out how to stop Sabbathia! He won the Cy Young last year!" he would be fired.

-No Limits -He's a workhorse who threw 241 innings last year. This being a Spring Training game, the idea of Sabathia being a workhorse doesn't really come into play, as he's not going to pitch more than five innings or so.

-Free to Go - Sabathia will be a free agent after this season. Again, I don't see how this counts as scouting.

So I've learned from the fine people at YES things Sabathia did in the past, and what he might do in the future, but nothing that will tell me what kinds of pitches he might be expected to throw today. I know this stuff is for the casual fan, but getting a little more in depth isn't going to hurt anyway.

Anyway, here's a picture of Lo Pan.

Report: Giants to Have Open Battle for Starting QB Position

"Got any tape? 'CAUSE I'M RIPPED.

CANYON OF HEROES, NYC -- In a totally unexpected move, Giants coach Tom Coughlin has stated that there will be an open battle for the starting quarterback spot between Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning and first round bust David Carr, recently signed to a one year, one million dollar contract. "As you all know, Eli has been inconsistent in his four years on the Giants," said Coughlin. "We know that by bringing a true veteran presence like David in, we could finally have the solution at the quarterback position."

Manning was incensed when he found out about Coughlin's words, saying "David Carr? What! Quarterback controversy! I just won the Super Bowl, for Big Bob Pataki's sake! He had more interceptions than touchdowns last year! It's like I can't do anything good enough to get respect for more than a week in this city."

I managed to catch up with Tiki Barber, who had some interesting comments about Eli. "Eli? What a clown. That kid sucks. Let me tell you a little something about Eli that should make up your mind: I once saw him buy vanilla pudding instead of chocolate. True story. Not only should he not be starting, I wouldn't let that punk be my waterboy. I just feel like"-- Michael Strahan suddenly stormed into the room. Why aren't we focusing on me? Big Michael Strahan, owner of the single season sacks record? I held out of training camp last year! That's the reason we won the Superbowl!"

When asked for comment, David Carr drooled, giggled, and said "footbawwwww."

If Brett Favre was caught in a Prostitution Ring...

"Brett Favre secretly sleeps with prostitutes the way they're supposed to be secretly slept with. I mean, he made using a high-class call-girl service fun again."

-Wright Thompson, ESPN

"Now, now, now here's a guy, who when he's out on the road away from his family, and craves the loving embrace of a woman, he calls a hooker! Here take a look at this: He waits in his hotel room over here, then he calls up Emperors Club VIP like this, and BOOM! He's got himself a lovely $1,000 an hour girl ready to go!"

-John Madden, ABC

"...Aaand here comes Brett Favre, Bumping, Pumping, and Humping his away across the bed with Kristen 'Love actually cost a thing' Dupre!"

-Chris Berman, ESPN

"It was a cold December night, when Brett Favre wandered down an alley and met his first prostitute. It was this fateful meeting that would change not only his life, but the entire red-light district forever. Though his first meeting was full of fumbles and costly mistakes, it set the stage for what would become the one of the greatest careers as a John in history."

-NFL Films Guy

"Now wait a second people, Brett Favre is obviously a Hall of Fame strumpet-shagger, but he really hasn't delivered in the second half of the year. Sure he's been in the game long enough to rack up quite a list of hits, but his performance in the last decade have been disappointing. Yes, in 2007 he did it all with the youngest crew in the business, but his final moment was an unthinkable mistake. Favre is done, it's about time we give Aaron Rogers the chance he's been waiting for."

-Sal Paolantonio, ESPN

"Pro---stitution. I love it, clones. Brett Favre has accomplished more in his career, and worked more working girls than anyone else in the business. Hey Brett Favre, high-five. Hey Brett Favre, nice to see you're spending that NFL money wisely. You know what, I don't care what people think. You know what, I don't care that it's illegal in most states. Brett Favre is America. Brett Favre people, Brett Favre. Let's go to the phones."
-Jim Rome

"My Man!"

-Eliot Spitzer

BREAKING NEWS: Apple Pie Brett's Favorite

GREEN BAY, Wisconsin - At a huge press conference in which the entire Favre family was present, Brett Favre finally made public knowledge of what has been a puzzling secret for many years. "After much consideration, I feel like apple pie is the right choice for my dessert tonight," said Favre. "I appreciate the hero worship given to me by the local and national media while I've been mulling over my choices."

Though many sportswriters had to be taken to the local hospital after squealing and passing out upon seeing Mr. Favre, several were able to comment. "Apple pie is such a gritty choice," said Chris Berman of ESPN. "Favre eats that pie the way it should be eaten, with childlike enthusiasm and love for the pie."

Hayden Panettiere reacts to Brett Favre being called "Greatest QB Ever"

Life with the Birdman

Brought to you by the geniuses at Fox, it's the epic new sitcom, Life with the Birdman, starring NBA player Chris Andersen!


Lights come on and the audience, high on the free crystal meth given out before the show, cheers wildly. Chris walks into the living room.

Birdman: Honey, your man is hoooooome. [audience goes nuts, while Chris does a line of coke off the radiator] Woooooooo, watch the Birdman SOAR! [Does the birdman dance, audience loves it]

Mrs. Andersen: Hey, baby, how my points did The Birdman score today?

Birdman: Uh... points. Right. [Chris has not told his wife about his suspension from the NBA. When he tells her he has a game, he's really at Chuck E. Cheese tormenting children and sniffing glue all day] It was good, baby. I had this awesome dunk over Yao Ming.

Mrs. Andersen: But my sister was just telling me how some large Chinese man was out for the season. Did she mean Yao? How can you dunk over a guy who's not playing?

Birdman: Uh... [Chris takes a dish rag, pours ether on it, and makes his wife unconscious. He then proceeds to eat Oreos and hump her leg]

[Chris' son walks into the room, audience gives a big "Awwwwww!"]

Birdman: Birdman Junior, what's up budddddddy?

Birdman Jr.: Dad, my name is John. Do you remember? Forget it. Did you knock mom out with ether againi?

Birdman: I wouldn't worry about it son, those mescaline pellets I put in your chocolate pudding this afternoon should be kicking in soon.

[Big gasp from the audience]

Birdman Jr.: What are you -- WOOOO HOOOO!

Birdman: That's my boy! [Audiences laughs uproariously]

[Join us next week when we see how Chris' first week back in the NBA goes! Also: Chris goes to John's parent teacher conference at the local elementary school]

Inside the Mets Clubhouse Again

Willie: All right, guys, I know we've been hit with a rash of injuries, but all we can do is take it one game at a time, give it a 110% every time we go out there...

Ryan Church: I hate Jews.

Shawn Green: Fuck you.

Willie: Shawn, you retired a couple of weeks ago, remember? You need to go home.

Shawn: Oh, my bad. [fades away]

Willie: So, like I was saying. We need Jose to get on base and make things happen, and I'm counting on David to--

Pedro: ¿Oye, ha visto cualquiera mi gallo?

Duaner: Esta en armario.

Pedro: Noooo! Por que?!

Wright: Can you keep it down, I'm trying to concentrate.

Willie: David, why are you having sex with both Carlos' wives?

Delgado: WHAT!

Wright: Hey, I make the rules around here, you Pedro Cerrano-looking, over the hill, sorry excuse for a slugger. Mister 30/30 is occupied.

[Billy Wagner walks in with 17 pieces of gum in his mouth.]

Wagner: Hmph, fmm ya ya, mmph fastball mmph hmm ya ok 100 miles per hour, mmph.

Castro: You are a member of the Rebel Alliance, and a traitor!

Willie: Ramon, why have you only been speaking in Star Wars quotes for the last week?

Castro: Because from my point of view, the Jedi are evil!

Brian Schneider: Hey coach, you mind if I skip the second workout today? It's my kid's birthday and I really want to give him his present.

Willie: Who are you, again?

Brian Schneider: Brian Schneider... I came over the Milledge deal with Church. How do you not know a .323 career on base percentage when you see it?

John Maine: Hey, Brett Favre retired!

How Brett Favre Will be Described to Young Fans in 2020 by Packer Fans

Dad: Favre, I want you to take a seat over by the television and listen to me spin a yarn about the greatest man every to walk this Earth.

Son: I know, Dad, Brett Favre. You named me after him, you ignorant hick.

Dad: Haha, sounds good son. Anyway, Brett Favre played from 1967-2008, winning every Super Bowl and every Super Bowl MVP.

Son: Dad, that's just not true. What about in 2002, when a Buccaneers defense led by Warren Sapp beat the Raiders? And in 1990, when the Giants won? The only time Favre won one was 1997.

Dad: ...So, anyway, let me tell you about a certain game that happened in 2003, right when Brett was entering his prime. The previous night, Brett's entire family had been murdered in cold blood by a reincarnated Hitler, Himmler, and Goebels, who had a problem with him for hiding Jews during the second World War. Do you think Brett sat out that game, in mourning? Hell no! He came out and threw for twelve touchdowns and 1,2000 yards passing. And at halftime, he killed those Nazis with his bear hands.

Son: I think you might be exaggerating a bit, Dad. Isn't it true that Favre often made poor choices in the pocket, resulting in gamebreaking interceptions? Why, I remember watching a Jets-Packers game from 2006 on ESPN Classic and he threw this awful pass, which was --

Dad: He's the greatest of all time! He's got three MVP awards! Three!

Son: But Dad, according to an old ESPN article, Favre has never even had one of the top fifty seasons for quarterbacks in history.

Dad: You just don't get it! He was gritty! He played for the love of the game!

Son: So, what, Curtis Martin didn't play for the love of the game? Kevin Mawae didn't play for the love of the game? It seems like the whole "plays like a child/for the love of the game" angle gets overplayed by sportswriters and fans who need a hero.

Dad: He was addicted to vicodin! He had problems with alcohol! I CAN RELATE TO HIM AS A HUMAN BEING!

Son: I understand that, Dad, but don't you think your ability to identify with him as a person has forced you to put him up on an unreachable pedestal? I think Favre's great, I just don't get the hero worship.

Dad: Fuck you, son.

Note: I am NOT talking about my Dad.

I'm Sure This Is How Dickens Meant It

ESPN'S Tristan Cockcroft (if that is your real name) recently wrote this piece of brilliance:

"In 23 games from Aug. 9-Sept. 6, Rick Ankiel batted .358 with nine home runs, 29 RBIs, 22 runs scored and a 1.174 OPS.

It was the worst of times …

In 24 games from Sept. 7-30, Ankiel batted .220 with two home runs, 10 RBIs, nine runs scored and a .580 OPS.

Certainly seems like a tale of two seasons for Mr. Ankiel, does it not?"

I know you're probably on a tight deadline and looking for something interesting to start off the column, but quoting A Tale of Two Cities in a baseball column? Weak sauce, sir.

Sammy Strangeface Joins the Celtics

Sam: Ah, finally going to a contender again. I really liked some of those guys on the Clippers, especially Eiffel Tower Tuesdays (Kaman knows what I'm talkin' about!), but it was definitely time for a change. I think I can really help run the offense with three barely past their prime superstars. But ever since I got out of LA, people have been acting a bit strange around me... ahem, stewardess, can I get a Bloody Mary, please?

Stewardess: Absolutely, sir, coming right-- OH MY GOD!

Sam: What! Is there a problem, miss?

Stewardess: It's just... your face. Never mind, sir, enjoy your drink!

[Stewardess quickly walks away]

Sam: Man, this is getting more and more bizarre! What's wrong with my face, anyway?

[Flash forward to Sam inside Celtics GM Danny Ainge's office]

Ainge: Sam, we're very excited to have you sign this deal; we think you can make a big difference running the offense. There's just one little clause we included that we'd like you to look over.

Sam: Clause? Sure, I'll take a look. Sam Cassell, due to the sheer ferocity of his alien-like face, must wear a... wear a WHAT?
when he is not on the court. What kind of bull you tryin' to pull here, Ainge?

Ainge: Sam, studies show that 67% of children experience temporary insomnia after being exposed to your face for even five seconds. I'm all about protecting the people here, Sam.

Sam: You've got a point, I guess. As long as I'm finally accepting my face, the only way I'm signing this is if you sign Tyrone Hill--
to be my personal assistant at all times, in order to offset my ugly.

Ainge: It's a done deal, Sam!

The All Old-School Nickelodeon Football Team

Here it is, an entire football team roster made entirely of characters from your favorite Nicktoons. It's everything you ever hoped for.

Offense:

QB - Chalky Studebaker (Doug) - Chalky was an easy choice for first pick. He, without a doubt, is the single greatest athlete in the Nicktoons universe. The swim team? Chalky is the swim team. Not only that, he also is the captain and quarterback of the school's football team. His only athletic loss came in the epic sit-up competition against Doug. Chalky is the solid leader that we shall build this team around.

WR - Gerald Johanssen (Hey Arnold!) - Although he never learned to ride a bike, Gerald is a gifted athlete. He has all the style and speed

needed in a wide receiver. Never one to shy away from attention, I'm looking for Gerald to be an explosive Captain who can pump up his team come game-time. Also, look for him to have some killer TD dances.

WR - Otto Rocket (Rocket Power) - If not for Chalky, Otto may be our star player. The greatest athlete in Ocean Shores, Otto isn't a three sport star, he's an every sport star. His creativity and agility in extreme sports should transfer nicely to the gridiron. He may be short, but we know he can jump. In fact, it is said he gets "mad air."

RB - Donnie Thornberry (The Wild Thornberries) - In a running back, you need someone who can make people miss, and no one is more slippery than Donnie Thornberry. Raised in the wild, this kid can run, jump, climb, spin, and escape from anything. Plus, just imagine getting trash-talked by this guy.

FB - Ernie Potts (Hey Arnold!) - Who better to clear the way for Donnie than a wrecking ball operator. Ernie is ugly and mean, perfect for this blocking position. His short temper may have gotten him into trouble in the boarding house, but on the field it will only intimidate defenses. His 500 career demolitions should translate to career pancake-blocks in no time.

TE - Spike (Rugrats) - Choosing a great TE is all about creating match-up problems. Well who would be harder to cover than a freaking dog? Some may not believe a canine could play, but obviously these people have never seen Air Bud: Golden Receiver. Spike has proven himself with his performance with the Frisbee in the park. He is certainly the real deal.

LT - Krumm (Aaahh!!! Real Monsters) - Krumm is big and stinky and will fit perfectly on the offensive line. His training in scaring humans will work righteously against opposing defenses. Also, with his infinite vision possibilities, he cannot be caught blindsided, and will always catch blitzing corners. Just don't ask how he's going to wear a helmet.

LG - Heffer Wolfe (Rocko's Modern Life) - The 400 pound cow has always been loyal to Rocko, and will show the same protective instincts for his quarterback. Known for his love of sausages, this guy is nimbler than he seems. As seen with this roller skating abilities, his quick and agile feet will keep blitzing linemen at bay.

C - Sam Dullard (Rocket Power) - Squid may be the least athletic of the Rocket gang, but there is one sport where he shines above all others. Yes, he is the greatest Hockey Goalie in Ocean Shores, and his blocking abilities should make him a trusty center. He has the stocky body preferred in this role, and will be the needed brains of this O-Line.

RG - Really Really Big Man (Rocko's Modern Life) - What can you say, he is really, really big. His incredible strength will have him pancaking blitzers two at a time. His magic chest hairs, and future-seeing nipples will also find a role on the field. At times, however, RRBM is known to lose control of his strength. Hopefully this does not cause any conflict on the field.

RT - Phil DeVille (Rugrats) - Phil may be small for a lineman, but he is not afraid to get down and dirty. Always in the mud, bad weather will be this toddler's greatest ally. He always had Tommy's back, and his QB Chalky shall fall under his wing as well. Of course, he will have to be lining up against his D-Line playing sister.



Defense:



MLB - Betty DeVille (Rugrats) - Betty is lean and mean and ready to lay the smack down. Don't be confused by the woman symbol on her shirt, there is little feminine about this mom. The biggest football fan in town, she'll know how to lead her defense. She dominates her wimpy husband Harold like she'll dominate opposing quarterbacks.


LOLB - Harold Berman (Hey Arnold!) - Harold is the school bully and is not afraid to jack up some wussies. He might seem immature at times, but he's had his Bar-Mitzvah and now this man is ready to play the game. The misshapen tooth? Didn't hold Michael Strahan back, and won't stop the Berman either. His name is Berman! He'll be perfect!


ROLB - Ickis (Aaahh!!! Real Monsters) - Now, I know Ickis may seem too small, or too weak to be an effective run-stopper and pass-rusher, but this kid has heart. His secret weapon will be his scare tactic: his ability to grow ten times his size. Of course his 3'6" frame is too small, but as soon as that quarterback calls 'hike', there's no getting by this real monster.


DT - Cliff (CatDog) - The leader of the Greaser Dogs takes no prisoners on the D-Line. Badass in his leather jacket, he will sack quarterbacks, and chew on their leg afterwards. He may be a sensitive guy on the inside, but on the field he has a reputation to protect. Probably will be a cancer in the locker room, but his natural ability should make up for it.


DE - Grandma Gertrude (Hey Arnold!) - Pookie doesn't mess around. Some say she's past her prime at 82 years old, but I say this crafty veteran has yet to peak. She's wild and unpredictable, and totally kicks-ass in Karate. She'll be underestimated every game, only giving her the underdog mentality pro-athletes strive under.


DT - Ed Bighead (Rocko's Modern Life) - Undoubtedly the cruelest character O-Town, his grittiness is made for football. Always angry and breaking into Rocko's yard, he will not have to adjust his game much on the line. His cockiness may be a problem, as we all remember his ego problem while bowling. However, his hatred of everyone should do him good.



DE - Lil DeVille (Rugrats) - A little girl like Lil playing football? Of course. If her mother is any example of her future, she'll be even better than her brother. They will be lining up against each other on the line, and this sibling rivalry will reach new heights. She does not have to be good against every blitzer, just keep her brother at bay. Their fights were always close, so this one should be fun to watch.




CB - Roger Klotz (Doug) - Plenty of people are lean and mean, but are they also green? Roger Klotz is. Relentless in his torment of Doug, he won't let wide receivers get away with anything. Watch out for some dirty play in his 5-yard bumps. On the field his joy of hurting others finally pays off, and he may have found his niche as a blitzing corner.



CB - Twister Rodriguez (Rocket Power) - What an athlete, it's a shame he is overshadowed by his freak of a best friend. He's just as quick and agile, and has the same ridiculous vertical leap. As a cornerback he will never have the star-power Otto will at wide receiver, but playing second fiddle is nothing new to this loyal teammate.


SS - Susie Carmichael (Rugrats) - Don't worry, she's black, she'll do fine.





FS - Reggie Rocket (Rocket Power) - Yup, I'm going with two females in my secondary. But Reggie isn't any girl, she's a beast of a woman. She defines Tomboy, and can keep up with the boys in anything. At free safety she will add some creative flair to this defense. Also, as editor of her own 'zine, watch out for this girl to blossom into a star on and off the field.



Special Teams:


P - Chuckie Finster (Rugrats) - Chuckie is a shy kid, and would not be able to handle the pressure of offense or defense, and definitely not as a place kicker. As a punter, he'll be far enough from the action, and protected by "roughing the kicker" penalties. He's got some leg, and with his loyalty, even Jeff Feagles' record is within sight.


K - Doug Funnie (Doug) - Doug is a kicker, it's a known fact. While messing around in gym class, Coach Spitz (voiced by Jeff Garcia) spots him and his amazing leg. He is not consistent, but his power is undeniable. As soon as he signs a shoe deal, and gets his Sky Davis Inflatable Air Jet, he'll be fine. Just remember, "the shoe doesn't count!"


KR - Tommy Pickles (Rugrats) - Tommy is resourceful and creative. His low stature and quick decision making will give him the ability to make people miss. Always exciting to watch, he will bring this explosiveness on to the field. His big returns will not only give the offense great field position, but inspire them. However, being severely pigeon-toed may be a problem.



Coaching Staff -


Offensive Coordinator - Stu Pickles (Rugrats) - Who better to come up with an unpredictable playbook than the greatest inventor in Nick history (Jimmy Neutron sucks). His toys don't always work, but the idea is what matters. With a team like this, execution will not be a problem. Stu will put this team "on the map."


Defensive Coordinator - The Gromble (Aaahh!!! Real Monsters) - A great defense is all about intimidation. The Gromble is the scare master, and will construct the most feared defense in the league. After spending a few practices at The Monster Academy, this team will be ready to rip any offense to pieces. He will be haunting quarterback's dreams for sure.




Head Coach - Mr. Lamar Bone (Doug) - Mr. Bone is tough, scary, and demanding. Just the way of football coach ought to be. The Rulemeister's practices may be tough, but he no doubt will prepare his team for the big game. He's proud of his accomplishments, example: his trophy that gets stolen, and would love to add a Lombardi Trophy to his cabinet. Also look for some of the greatest post-game coach tirades from this guy.



General Manager - Charlotte Pickles (Rugrats) - Charlotte Pickles gets things done. No deal is too big, no contract demand too ridiculous. She can negotiate with the best of them, and no hot-shot player will be able to stand up to her fierceness. Also, she'll always have her man-bitch Jonathan to get her her coffee and anything else she asks for.


Announcer - Nigel Thornberry (The Wild Thornberries) - The Tim Curry voice is perfect. After narrating wildlife documentaries for years, he may have trouble adjusting to the change of setting. However, listen for some great metaphors comparing linebackers to the endangered white rhino and running backs likened to East Amazon howler monkeys.



Owner - Mr. Bluff (Doug) - The richest man in town has to be the owner of this proud franchise. Known for his incredible wealth, and tendency to name things after himself, look for the team to soon be playing in the BluffDome. This Steinbrenner-esque ego will be perfect for the team, as he signs players from opposing leagues such as Cartoon Network, or even Disney's Wide World of Sports.




Well there you have it. Every position accounted for. Hope you liked it, and look for the games to be shown every Sunday and NICK GAS, and NICKTOONS TV.