MLB Television Scouting Reports

Because my spring break is so awesome, I'm sitting on my couch at 9:30 AM watching the replay of the Yankees exhibition game from last night. YES puts up a "Scouting Report" graphic of the starting pitcher in the first inning of every game, to let the viewing public know a little about how the YES network imagines the starter will pitch after looking and video. With YES (and most other networks that do this), this means just talking about things the pitcher has done in the past, having little to do with his pitch selection or velocity. This isn't me as an irate sports blogger trying to make a point about how stupid the mainstream media is, but rather just as something I found funny, and shouldn't be interpreted as an attack. Today's pitcher: C.C. Sabbathia.
-"Cy" Bathia - C.C. won the Cy Young award in 2007. If any scout gave this in and said, "Hey, boss, I figured out how to stop Sabbathia! He won the Cy Young last year!" he would be fired.

-No Limits -He's a workhorse who threw 241 innings last year. This being a Spring Training game, the idea of Sabathia being a workhorse doesn't really come into play, as he's not going to pitch more than five innings or so.

-Free to Go - Sabathia will be a free agent after this season. Again, I don't see how this counts as scouting.

So I've learned from the fine people at YES things Sabathia did in the past, and what he might do in the future, but nothing that will tell me what kinds of pitches he might be expected to throw today. I know this stuff is for the casual fan, but getting a little more in depth isn't going to hurt anyway.

Anyway, here's a picture of Lo Pan.

Report: Giants to Have Open Battle for Starting QB Position

"Got any tape? 'CAUSE I'M RIPPED.

CANYON OF HEROES, NYC -- In a totally unexpected move, Giants coach Tom Coughlin has stated that there will be an open battle for the starting quarterback spot between Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning and first round bust David Carr, recently signed to a one year, one million dollar contract. "As you all know, Eli has been inconsistent in his four years on the Giants," said Coughlin. "We know that by bringing a true veteran presence like David in, we could finally have the solution at the quarterback position."

Manning was incensed when he found out about Coughlin's words, saying "David Carr? What! Quarterback controversy! I just won the Super Bowl, for Big Bob Pataki's sake! He had more interceptions than touchdowns last year! It's like I can't do anything good enough to get respect for more than a week in this city."

I managed to catch up with Tiki Barber, who had some interesting comments about Eli. "Eli? What a clown. That kid sucks. Let me tell you a little something about Eli that should make up your mind: I once saw him buy vanilla pudding instead of chocolate. True story. Not only should he not be starting, I wouldn't let that punk be my waterboy. I just feel like"-- Michael Strahan suddenly stormed into the room. Why aren't we focusing on me? Big Michael Strahan, owner of the single season sacks record? I held out of training camp last year! That's the reason we won the Superbowl!"

When asked for comment, David Carr drooled, giggled, and said "footbawwwww."

If Brett Favre was caught in a Prostitution Ring...

"Brett Favre secretly sleeps with prostitutes the way they're supposed to be secretly slept with. I mean, he made using a high-class call-girl service fun again."

-Wright Thompson, ESPN

"Now, now, now here's a guy, who when he's out on the road away from his family, and craves the loving embrace of a woman, he calls a hooker! Here take a look at this: He waits in his hotel room over here, then he calls up Emperors Club VIP like this, and BOOM! He's got himself a lovely $1,000 an hour girl ready to go!"

-John Madden, ABC

"...Aaand here comes Brett Favre, Bumping, Pumping, and Humping his away across the bed with Kristen 'Love actually cost a thing' Dupre!"

-Chris Berman, ESPN

"It was a cold December night, when Brett Favre wandered down an alley and met his first prostitute. It was this fateful meeting that would change not only his life, but the entire red-light district forever. Though his first meeting was full of fumbles and costly mistakes, it set the stage for what would become the one of the greatest careers as a John in history."

-NFL Films Guy

"Now wait a second people, Brett Favre is obviously a Hall of Fame strumpet-shagger, but he really hasn't delivered in the second half of the year. Sure he's been in the game long enough to rack up quite a list of hits, but his performance in the last decade have been disappointing. Yes, in 2007 he did it all with the youngest crew in the business, but his final moment was an unthinkable mistake. Favre is done, it's about time we give Aaron Rogers the chance he's been waiting for."

-Sal Paolantonio, ESPN

"Pro---stitution. I love it, clones. Brett Favre has accomplished more in his career, and worked more working girls than anyone else in the business. Hey Brett Favre, high-five. Hey Brett Favre, nice to see you're spending that NFL money wisely. You know what, I don't care what people think. You know what, I don't care that it's illegal in most states. Brett Favre is America. Brett Favre people, Brett Favre. Let's go to the phones."
-Jim Rome

"My Man!"

-Eliot Spitzer

BREAKING NEWS: Apple Pie Brett's Favorite

GREEN BAY, Wisconsin - At a huge press conference in which the entire Favre family was present, Brett Favre finally made public knowledge of what has been a puzzling secret for many years. "After much consideration, I feel like apple pie is the right choice for my dessert tonight," said Favre. "I appreciate the hero worship given to me by the local and national media while I've been mulling over my choices."

Though many sportswriters had to be taken to the local hospital after squealing and passing out upon seeing Mr. Favre, several were able to comment. "Apple pie is such a gritty choice," said Chris Berman of ESPN. "Favre eats that pie the way it should be eaten, with childlike enthusiasm and love for the pie."

Hayden Panettiere reacts to Brett Favre being called "Greatest QB Ever"

Life with the Birdman

Brought to you by the geniuses at Fox, it's the epic new sitcom, Life with the Birdman, starring NBA player Chris Andersen!


Lights come on and the audience, high on the free crystal meth given out before the show, cheers wildly. Chris walks into the living room.

Birdman: Honey, your man is hoooooome. [audience goes nuts, while Chris does a line of coke off the radiator] Woooooooo, watch the Birdman SOAR! [Does the birdman dance, audience loves it]

Mrs. Andersen: Hey, baby, how my points did The Birdman score today?

Birdman: Uh... points. Right. [Chris has not told his wife about his suspension from the NBA. When he tells her he has a game, he's really at Chuck E. Cheese tormenting children and sniffing glue all day] It was good, baby. I had this awesome dunk over Yao Ming.

Mrs. Andersen: But my sister was just telling me how some large Chinese man was out for the season. Did she mean Yao? How can you dunk over a guy who's not playing?

Birdman: Uh... [Chris takes a dish rag, pours ether on it, and makes his wife unconscious. He then proceeds to eat Oreos and hump her leg]

[Chris' son walks into the room, audience gives a big "Awwwwww!"]

Birdman: Birdman Junior, what's up budddddddy?

Birdman Jr.: Dad, my name is John. Do you remember? Forget it. Did you knock mom out with ether againi?

Birdman: I wouldn't worry about it son, those mescaline pellets I put in your chocolate pudding this afternoon should be kicking in soon.

[Big gasp from the audience]

Birdman Jr.: What are you -- WOOOO HOOOO!

Birdman: That's my boy! [Audiences laughs uproariously]

[Join us next week when we see how Chris' first week back in the NBA goes! Also: Chris goes to John's parent teacher conference at the local elementary school]

Inside the Mets Clubhouse Again

Willie: All right, guys, I know we've been hit with a rash of injuries, but all we can do is take it one game at a time, give it a 110% every time we go out there...

Ryan Church: I hate Jews.

Shawn Green: Fuck you.

Willie: Shawn, you retired a couple of weeks ago, remember? You need to go home.

Shawn: Oh, my bad. [fades away]

Willie: So, like I was saying. We need Jose to get on base and make things happen, and I'm counting on David to--

Pedro: ¿Oye, ha visto cualquiera mi gallo?

Duaner: Esta en armario.

Pedro: Noooo! Por que?!

Wright: Can you keep it down, I'm trying to concentrate.

Willie: David, why are you having sex with both Carlos' wives?

Delgado: WHAT!

Wright: Hey, I make the rules around here, you Pedro Cerrano-looking, over the hill, sorry excuse for a slugger. Mister 30/30 is occupied.

[Billy Wagner walks in with 17 pieces of gum in his mouth.]

Wagner: Hmph, fmm ya ya, mmph fastball mmph hmm ya ok 100 miles per hour, mmph.

Castro: You are a member of the Rebel Alliance, and a traitor!

Willie: Ramon, why have you only been speaking in Star Wars quotes for the last week?

Castro: Because from my point of view, the Jedi are evil!

Brian Schneider: Hey coach, you mind if I skip the second workout today? It's my kid's birthday and I really want to give him his present.

Willie: Who are you, again?

Brian Schneider: Brian Schneider... I came over the Milledge deal with Church. How do you not know a .323 career on base percentage when you see it?

John Maine: Hey, Brett Favre retired!

How Brett Favre Will be Described to Young Fans in 2020 by Packer Fans

Dad: Favre, I want you to take a seat over by the television and listen to me spin a yarn about the greatest man every to walk this Earth.

Son: I know, Dad, Brett Favre. You named me after him, you ignorant hick.

Dad: Haha, sounds good son. Anyway, Brett Favre played from 1967-2008, winning every Super Bowl and every Super Bowl MVP.

Son: Dad, that's just not true. What about in 2002, when a Buccaneers defense led by Warren Sapp beat the Raiders? And in 1990, when the Giants won? The only time Favre won one was 1997.

Dad: ...So, anyway, let me tell you about a certain game that happened in 2003, right when Brett was entering his prime. The previous night, Brett's entire family had been murdered in cold blood by a reincarnated Hitler, Himmler, and Goebels, who had a problem with him for hiding Jews during the second World War. Do you think Brett sat out that game, in mourning? Hell no! He came out and threw for twelve touchdowns and 1,2000 yards passing. And at halftime, he killed those Nazis with his bear hands.

Son: I think you might be exaggerating a bit, Dad. Isn't it true that Favre often made poor choices in the pocket, resulting in gamebreaking interceptions? Why, I remember watching a Jets-Packers game from 2006 on ESPN Classic and he threw this awful pass, which was --

Dad: He's the greatest of all time! He's got three MVP awards! Three!

Son: But Dad, according to an old ESPN article, Favre has never even had one of the top fifty seasons for quarterbacks in history.

Dad: You just don't get it! He was gritty! He played for the love of the game!

Son: So, what, Curtis Martin didn't play for the love of the game? Kevin Mawae didn't play for the love of the game? It seems like the whole "plays like a child/for the love of the game" angle gets overplayed by sportswriters and fans who need a hero.

Dad: He was addicted to vicodin! He had problems with alcohol! I CAN RELATE TO HIM AS A HUMAN BEING!

Son: I understand that, Dad, but don't you think your ability to identify with him as a person has forced you to put him up on an unreachable pedestal? I think Favre's great, I just don't get the hero worship.

Dad: Fuck you, son.

Note: I am NOT talking about my Dad.

I'm Sure This Is How Dickens Meant It

ESPN'S Tristan Cockcroft (if that is your real name) recently wrote this piece of brilliance:

"In 23 games from Aug. 9-Sept. 6, Rick Ankiel batted .358 with nine home runs, 29 RBIs, 22 runs scored and a 1.174 OPS.

It was the worst of times …

In 24 games from Sept. 7-30, Ankiel batted .220 with two home runs, 10 RBIs, nine runs scored and a .580 OPS.

Certainly seems like a tale of two seasons for Mr. Ankiel, does it not?"

I know you're probably on a tight deadline and looking for something interesting to start off the column, but quoting A Tale of Two Cities in a baseball column? Weak sauce, sir.

Sammy Strangeface Joins the Celtics

Sam: Ah, finally going to a contender again. I really liked some of those guys on the Clippers, especially Eiffel Tower Tuesdays (Kaman knows what I'm talkin' about!), but it was definitely time for a change. I think I can really help run the offense with three barely past their prime superstars. But ever since I got out of LA, people have been acting a bit strange around me... ahem, stewardess, can I get a Bloody Mary, please?

Stewardess: Absolutely, sir, coming right-- OH MY GOD!

Sam: What! Is there a problem, miss?

Stewardess: It's just... your face. Never mind, sir, enjoy your drink!

[Stewardess quickly walks away]

Sam: Man, this is getting more and more bizarre! What's wrong with my face, anyway?

[Flash forward to Sam inside Celtics GM Danny Ainge's office]

Ainge: Sam, we're very excited to have you sign this deal; we think you can make a big difference running the offense. There's just one little clause we included that we'd like you to look over.

Sam: Clause? Sure, I'll take a look. Sam Cassell, due to the sheer ferocity of his alien-like face, must wear a... wear a WHAT?
when he is not on the court. What kind of bull you tryin' to pull here, Ainge?

Ainge: Sam, studies show that 67% of children experience temporary insomnia after being exposed to your face for even five seconds. I'm all about protecting the people here, Sam.

Sam: You've got a point, I guess. As long as I'm finally accepting my face, the only way I'm signing this is if you sign Tyrone Hill--
to be my personal assistant at all times, in order to offset my ugly.

Ainge: It's a done deal, Sam!