Mr. Thompson,
I understand I've caused something of a ruckus for you and all my former teammates here in the great state of Green Bay. Ted, I can't make it clear enough: I've made a terrible mistake. I thought all the footballin' I did have in me was gone forever, to be replaced by days of being a shitty analyst who laughs at awful jokes on one of the many overcrowded NFL pre-game shows.
I want back in, Ted. I'll do anything. I know you don't want Aaron Rodgers leading this talented group! That douchebag can't even jerk off without blinding himself. I know I fucked up bigtime, and I think Peter King might kill himself if I'm gone, so I've come up with a fantastic solution:
I want you to have sex with my wife.
Now, I know this might come off as "adulterous," or "wrong," or for the intellectuals out there "morally repugnant," but just think about it! As we all know, she's an incredibly beautiful woman, and a sexual dynamo at that. I want to show you how dedicated to I am to this team and the prospect of winning another Super Bowl! We can go over the details in person, but just know that there can't be any weird shit. And no video taping.
Please just consider it.
Thank you,
Brett
P.S. If my wife is not enough I will consider sacrificing my oldest child.
