Sunday, September 30, 2007
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Maybe I Should Just Shutup
Turns out I'm an idiot! It all comes down to tomorrow! Let's go Mets!
TOMMY GLAVINE THIS IS WHY THEY BROUGHT YOU HERE SON!
TOMMY GLAVINE THIS IS WHY THEY BROUGHT YOU HERE SON!
Friday, September 28, 2007
A Call to Mets Fans
My friends, I understand this isn't exactly the way we were looking to end the season, and boy, is that an understatement.
However! Though the team is playing Double A quality baseball right now and Jose Reyes has had his hitting powers stolen by the Monstars (formerly the Nerdlucks), the Metropolitans are still in control of their own destiny.
It's easy to wear the jersey of a World Series winner, of even a Division winner. But a real fan, my fellows, wears his jersey now. I'm calling all Mets fans out there: Go to the games! Support them!
I'm not saying that you can't be negative, heavens knows they suck gigantic testes at the moment. But having taken that into account, let's try to get some spirit together and root the blue and orange on!
...And if they don't make it, we can bitch and moan on the Fan all day Monday.
However! Though the team is playing Double A quality baseball right now and Jose Reyes has had his hitting powers stolen by the Monstars (formerly the Nerdlucks), the Metropolitans are still in control of their own destiny.
It's easy to wear the jersey of a World Series winner, of even a Division winner. But a real fan, my fellows, wears his jersey now. I'm calling all Mets fans out there: Go to the games! Support them!
I'm not saying that you can't be negative, heavens knows they suck gigantic testes at the moment. But having taken that into account, let's try to get some spirit together and root the blue and orange on!
...And if they don't make it, we can bitch and moan on the Fan all day Monday.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
We Have a Winner!
The bidding war is complete! The least sought-after priceless artifact has a new owner. It belongs to that dude, Marc Ecko.
"Did you say Marc Ecko?"
"The Marc Ecko?"
"Marc Ecko, Marc Ecko?"
A pun on the guy's name?
Yes, all of the above. The biggest pioneer in wigger clothing since they started selling flat-hats at Modells. Now, by his accomplishments so far in life, you may think he's a douchebag. You may like your cucumbers pickled. [what?] But, actually what he's gonna do with it is pretty cool. You see, he's letting the people decide what to do with the ball. There are three options.
Option #1: Give the ball to the Hall of Fame
Alright, well this is the logical option. Mr. Ecko and his shenanigans my be forgotten by morning, but 756 is kind of a big deal. So put it in a glass case in Cooperstown. Option 1.
Option #2: Give the ball to the Hall of Fame*Much like Option 1, BUT, first he's gonna brand an asterisk on it. I like this one. A permanent brand would be a nice jab to the giant head of Barry Lamar. A very nice act of vandalism from the mastermind of 'Getting Up', the graffiti video game.
"This is the brand, and it's gonna suck."
Option #3: Shoot the ball into space.Say again?
Option #3: Shoot the ball into space.
Okay so, if you vote for this option, he will put on a rocket ship and get it into orbit. lolz a moonshot! I don't know how to rationalize this, other than its just awesome. Marc Ecko is my homeboy.
So now, the choice is yours.... Vote756.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
About Those Mets
Holy shit, this has got to be stopped!!!!!
After the Phillies series I told myself that they would go down to Washington and find some new life, that everything was going to be fine. After last night's disaster of a loss to the lowly Nationals (with supercool manager Manny Acta), I had a harder time talking myself in to tonight's game. With a 2.5 game lead over those silly Phils, I was not feeling so comfortable.
But I say, hey, Maine will be good, they should put up some runs, get back on track. WRONG!
After seeing Maine get skullfucked by Ronnie Belliard, I have lost complete faith in the Mets this season. Reyes can't stop popping everything up and Maine's ERA is above 6 in the second half. Willie's addicted to Mota who can barely lift his arm without the juice, and hey, who doesn't love some Scott Schoenweis?
I know it's been proved many times before, most recently by those horrendous 2006 Cardinals, that you don't need to be hot going into the playoffs to win it all. But at this point my boys in blue are looking like they might be joining Tommy Glavine on his jetskis sooner rather than later.
After the Phillies series I told myself that they would go down to Washington and find some new life, that everything was going to be fine. After last night's disaster of a loss to the lowly Nationals (with supercool manager Manny Acta), I had a harder time talking myself in to tonight's game. With a 2.5 game lead over those silly Phils, I was not feeling so comfortable.
But I say, hey, Maine will be good, they should put up some runs, get back on track. WRONG!
After seeing Maine get skullfucked by Ronnie Belliard, I have lost complete faith in the Mets this season. Reyes can't stop popping everything up and Maine's ERA is above 6 in the second half. Willie's addicted to Mota who can barely lift his arm without the juice, and hey, who doesn't love some Scott Schoenweis?
I know it's been proved many times before, most recently by those horrendous 2006 Cardinals, that you don't need to be hot going into the playoffs to win it all. But at this point my boys in blue are looking like they might be joining Tommy Glavine on his jetskis sooner rather than later.
Fuck ESPN
I have not been a fan of ESPN since I entered my teenage years. I think it is a sensationalist, hypocritical network unable to deal with criticism. Instead of staying away from the World Wide Leader, I foolishly read the front page tonight. This is what pissed me off:
Jemele Hill's column defending OJ Simpson. Why is it that whenever ESPN hires a black journalist (Hill, Scoop Jackson, Stephen A. Smith), he or she is unable to ever say a black athlete has done anything wrong. She actually says that, despite his past, we are wrong to judge him quickly. It's OJ Simpson! He murdered people! I have a feeling if OJ was white she'd be singing a different tune.
Pompous Douchebag TMQ Gregg Easterbrook says that Bill Belichik will be fired by the end of the year. Really? The best coach in football coaching the best team in football with two dominating wins in the young season, the Patriots are going to fire him? And can we please get something straight here? Yes, it was foolish of them to use the camera on the field. But it's perfectly OK to point a camera at the defensive play callers from the upper reaches of the stadium with a zoom. So that means it is OK to tape it, just not on the field. So technically, they did something wrong, but morally there is absolutely no cheating involved.
Donovan McNabb claims black quarterbacks are criticized more than white ones. In referring to Carson Palmer and Peyton Manning, McNabb had this to say: "Let me start by saying I love those guys," McNabb tells HBO. "But they don't get criticized as much as we do. They don't." Hey Donovan: YOU PLAY IN PHILLY! Everyone gets criticized severely! Try coming to New York, they destroy Chad and Elisha, and guess what color they are? White! The reasons Manning and Palmer get criticized less might have to do with Manning just having won the Superbowl and Palmer being in a much easier media market. Shutup and win a Superbowl, already.
Writer Jerry Crasnick praises Lou Piniella for basically being a complete psycho to the people around him every time he gets irritated. How come this behavior didn't make him a winner in Tampa Bay? You mean to tell me that the reason the Cubs are in the playoff chase is because of Sweet Lou? I think it might have something to do with the acquisition of several big money players in the off season. But of course, when he's winning, anything the manager does is golden. How's that working out for hothead Ozzie Guillen these days?
Jemele Hill's column defending OJ Simpson. Why is it that whenever ESPN hires a black journalist (Hill, Scoop Jackson, Stephen A. Smith), he or she is unable to ever say a black athlete has done anything wrong. She actually says that, despite his past, we are wrong to judge him quickly. It's OJ Simpson! He murdered people! I have a feeling if OJ was white she'd be singing a different tune.
Pompous Douchebag TMQ Gregg Easterbrook says that Bill Belichik will be fired by the end of the year. Really? The best coach in football coaching the best team in football with two dominating wins in the young season, the Patriots are going to fire him? And can we please get something straight here? Yes, it was foolish of them to use the camera on the field. But it's perfectly OK to point a camera at the defensive play callers from the upper reaches of the stadium with a zoom. So that means it is OK to tape it, just not on the field. So technically, they did something wrong, but morally there is absolutely no cheating involved.
Donovan McNabb claims black quarterbacks are criticized more than white ones. In referring to Carson Palmer and Peyton Manning, McNabb had this to say: "Let me start by saying I love those guys," McNabb tells HBO. "But they don't get criticized as much as we do. They don't." Hey Donovan: YOU PLAY IN PHILLY! Everyone gets criticized severely! Try coming to New York, they destroy Chad and Elisha, and guess what color they are? White! The reasons Manning and Palmer get criticized less might have to do with Manning just having won the Superbowl and Palmer being in a much easier media market. Shutup and win a Superbowl, already.
Writer Jerry Crasnick praises Lou Piniella for basically being a complete psycho to the people around him every time he gets irritated. How come this behavior didn't make him a winner in Tampa Bay? You mean to tell me that the reason the Cubs are in the playoff chase is because of Sweet Lou? I think it might have something to do with the acquisition of several big money players in the off season. But of course, when he's winning, anything the manager does is golden. How's that working out for hothead Ozzie Guillen these days?
Monday, September 17, 2007
Derek Anderson Sells His Soul
Yeah, Derek Anderson grunts while he gets his swell on at the gym, so what?
Derek Anderson: Satan, why didn't God make me a better quarterback?
Satan: Because he hates you and your whore mother!
DA: Oh... ok. So is the dealio sounding good to you?
Satan: Are we talking about the deal where Eli Manning massages my feet?
DA: No, dude, I'm talking about the one where I play really good for one game.
Satan: Right, right... so you give me your soul and I give you two touchdowns and 210 yards passing.
DA: Fuck no, Satan! My soul is worth way more than that!
Satan: Jesus Christ, how about... 20/33 for 260 yards and 3 touchdowns?
DA: I can see we're not getting anywhere here. In addition to my soul, I'll throw in five years of my wife's soul.
Satan: Way to fuckin' sweeten the deal! 20/33, 328 yards, 5 touchdowns it is. But there is one thing.
DA: What's that?
Satan: You're going to have to throw one interception, I'm not a miracle worker.
DA: Fine! Boy, hell is gonna be so great! I get to see JFK, and Jesus, and the guy who played Shooter McGavin in Happy Gilmore and--
Satan: Derek, you nimrod, that's heaven. Hell is the bad one.
DA: What? FUCK! I knew I should have done some research. Can we change that whole arrangement?
Satan: Too late, see you in hell buddy!
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Tiger Woods Dickslaps the field in FedEx Cup Victory
Wow. By now I really think that if Tiger was hanging out at SeaWorld, he could kill Shamoo with a chip-shot in the blowhole.
There's not much this man can't do. Not only did he win by 8 strokes this weekend, but he won the first annual FedEx Cup by 12,000 points. In fact, he didn't even have to show up on Sunday to clinch the title.
And this is the dude who didn't bother going to the first event. As far as Eldrick is concerned, opening rounds are for pussies.
You know, I remember this one time, (oh I'm not done with the ridiculous claims), I saw Tiger hit a tee-shot so high, he caused a solar eclipse. True story. How about this: Did you know the Berlin Airlift was not dropped by planes, but Tiger Woods standing in Washington with a 3-Wood? In fact, it was Mr. Woods who sent the A-Bombs to Japan. With a 7-Iron no less.
So basically, you could say Tiger Woods, RAN TRAIN on the rest of the field.
And remember, my friends, there are a lot of people in the PGA Tour, so that is a lot of running.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
NFL Picks: Week 2
Have you ever wanted to hear NFL picks from a college freshman who did no research to find out anything about the teams he's picking? Ha, me neither. .... But in case you change your mind, here's Week 2!
Being that my method of displaying teams last week was silly, I've changed it around a little. Home teams are in caps. And to make my life that much more difficult, I've decided to start picking against the spread, 'cause kiddie games are DOWN THE STREET.
Houston (+6.5) over CAROLINA
Carolina has been overrated every year since its Superbowl appearance and I'm going to go so far as to call last week's win a fluke. So, unless they start trash talking Steve Smith, I don't see the Texans losing by a touchdown.
JACKSONVILLE (-10) over Atlanta
Page 2 silly man has a man crush on Joey Harrington for whatever reason. I almost want to take the Falcons 'cause I mean, ten points? But on second thought, they have no quarterback, no receivers, and.. well that's really all you need to say. David Garrard will not be denied!
Indianapolis (-7) over TENNESSEE
The Colts dominated last week and even though they did give up +100 rush yards for the umpteenth time, I don't see Chris Brown (of all people!) having another dominating performance. Peyton should be able to have fun with Marvin and Reggie.
ST. LOUIS (-3) over San Francisco
Anyone who watched the clusterfuck that was the Monday night 49ers-Cardinals affair could not possibly pick the Niners against a decent team, Joe Nedney be damned.
NEW YORK GIANTS (Even) over Green Bay
Brett Favre is a shell of his former interception throwing machine; the interceptions he now throws are now much slower. If Eli starts (and i can't believe I'm putting faith in the lesser Manning) the Giants should win it even with a horrendous defense.
PITTSBURGH (-9.5) over Buffalo
I know they're going to be all pumped up and whatnot after Kevin Everett's injury... but they're just not good. Unless Lee Evans can throw the ball to himself, I don't see too much action coming out of the QB position. Big Ben and Santonio Holmes should be hooking up all afternoon.
New Orleans (-3.5) over TAMPA BAY
As atrocious as the Saints looked on both sides of the ball last week, the Bucs can't even get out of their own way. No way Brees is going TD-less two weeks in a row.
Minnesota (+3) over DETROIT
What with all the weapons offensively, most people would pick Detroit to pass up and down the field on a fairly weak Vikings pass D. But me? I really like Adrian Peterson, so, ya know, let's go Vikes.
Dallas (-3.5) over MIAMI
Even though they're on the road, I don't know how Dallas is only a four point favorite over the Dolphins and the Concussion King QB. Romo probably won't go for 5 tds this week, but should still run a LITTLE bit of train.
Seattle (-3) over ARIZONA
See description for San Francisco.
New York Jets (+10) over BALTIMORE
I don't care if The Chad doesn't play, there's no way the Ravens are ten points better than the Jets. I mean the Ravens might start Kyle effing Boller for Christ's sake.
CHICAGO (-12) over Kansas City
With Larry Johnson wearing Huggies again, the Chiefs has absolutely no offense. Not that the Bears do either, what with the whole Sexy Rexy thing. But the Bears defense, it is, good.
Oakland (+10) over DENVER
I don't know.
NEW ENGLAND (-3.5) over San Diego
After seeing the Pats destroy the Jets last week and with the extra motivation with the Belichik incident, I don't see the Chargers coming within 4. Randy Moss can not be stopped!
PHILADELPHIA (-6.5) Washington
As long as it's September, the Eagles are always good for a fireworks display.
ABSOLUTE GUARANTEED LOCK OF THE WEEK!
Cincinnati (-6.5) over CLEVELAND
Brady Quinn's vagina is moistening at the very thought of getting some in game action.
Last Week: 11-5
Season: 11-5
ABSOLUTE GUARANTEED LOCK (Last Week) - 1-0
ABSOLUTE GUARANTEED LOCK (Season) - 1-0
Being that my method of displaying teams last week was silly, I've changed it around a little. Home teams are in caps. And to make my life that much more difficult, I've decided to start picking against the spread, 'cause kiddie games are DOWN THE STREET.
Houston (+6.5) over CAROLINA
Carolina has been overrated every year since its Superbowl appearance and I'm going to go so far as to call last week's win a fluke. So, unless they start trash talking Steve Smith, I don't see the Texans losing by a touchdown.
JACKSONVILLE (-10) over Atlanta
Page 2 silly man has a man crush on Joey Harrington for whatever reason. I almost want to take the Falcons 'cause I mean, ten points? But on second thought, they have no quarterback, no receivers, and.. well that's really all you need to say. David Garrard will not be denied!
Indianapolis (-7) over TENNESSEE
The Colts dominated last week and even though they did give up +100 rush yards for the umpteenth time, I don't see Chris Brown (of all people!) having another dominating performance. Peyton should be able to have fun with Marvin and Reggie.
ST. LOUIS (-3) over San Francisco
Anyone who watched the clusterfuck that was the Monday night 49ers-Cardinals affair could not possibly pick the Niners against a decent team, Joe Nedney be damned.
NEW YORK GIANTS (Even) over Green Bay
Brett Favre is a shell of his former interception throwing machine; the interceptions he now throws are now much slower. If Eli starts (and i can't believe I'm putting faith in the lesser Manning) the Giants should win it even with a horrendous defense.
PITTSBURGH (-9.5) over Buffalo
I know they're going to be all pumped up and whatnot after Kevin Everett's injury... but they're just not good. Unless Lee Evans can throw the ball to himself, I don't see too much action coming out of the QB position. Big Ben and Santonio Holmes should be hooking up all afternoon.
New Orleans (-3.5) over TAMPA BAY
As atrocious as the Saints looked on both sides of the ball last week, the Bucs can't even get out of their own way. No way Brees is going TD-less two weeks in a row.
Minnesota (+3) over DETROIT
What with all the weapons offensively, most people would pick Detroit to pass up and down the field on a fairly weak Vikings pass D. But me? I really like Adrian Peterson, so, ya know, let's go Vikes.
Dallas (-3.5) over MIAMI
Even though they're on the road, I don't know how Dallas is only a four point favorite over the Dolphins and the Concussion King QB. Romo probably won't go for 5 tds this week, but should still run a LITTLE bit of train.
Seattle (-3) over ARIZONA
See description for San Francisco.
New York Jets (+10) over BALTIMORE
I don't care if The Chad doesn't play, there's no way the Ravens are ten points better than the Jets. I mean the Ravens might start Kyle effing Boller for Christ's sake.
CHICAGO (-12) over Kansas City
With Larry Johnson wearing Huggies again, the Chiefs has absolutely no offense. Not that the Bears do either, what with the whole Sexy Rexy thing. But the Bears defense, it is, good.
Oakland (+10) over DENVER
I don't know.
NEW ENGLAND (-3.5) over San Diego
After seeing the Pats destroy the Jets last week and with the extra motivation with the Belichik incident, I don't see the Chargers coming within 4. Randy Moss can not be stopped!
PHILADELPHIA (-6.5) Washington
As long as it's September, the Eagles are always good for a fireworks display.
ABSOLUTE GUARANTEED LOCK OF THE WEEK!
Cincinnati (-6.5) over CLEVELAND
Brady Quinn's vagina is moistening at the very thought of getting some in game action.
Last Week: 11-5
Season: 11-5
ABSOLUTE GUARANTEED LOCK (Last Week) - 1-0
ABSOLUTE GUARANTEED LOCK (Season) - 1-0
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
A Sample of Chad
::Phone rings::
Hello? Yeah, yeah... oh, I'm cleared to play Sunday? That's great, thanks doc! Well, I guess I'd better get over to practice, Coach Mangini likes his waffle fries served promptly at noon.
::Chad gets in his car, slams hand in the door:: Gosh darnit! It seems like I'm always getting hurt, but nothing is gonna stop me from playing Sunday, not even this broken finger. ::Little kid runs in front of car, Chad stops suddenly and knocks his teeth out on the steering wheel:: Nipple fuck! I just got those teeth replaced too... Forget it, Chadwick, there's no way you're sitting out this game with a couple of broken fingers and some missing teeth. You want those stupid fans to cheer when you don't show up? I didn't think so. Damn this traffic, I wanted to get there early and stick itching powder in Clemens' jock.
::Gets out of car, has foot run over by Mangini:: "Sorry, Chad! The dozen donut special ends at 12:30!!!"
It's ok, coach. ::Limps into trainer's office, where Joe Namath comes out of nowhere and rips Chad's throwing arm from it's socket. EXTREME!:: "Chad, I want to kiss you!"
Ah I guess I'm sitting out this week... who's up for orange mocha cappuccinos!?
Monday, September 10, 2007
Tony Romo says:
"Hey, I'm just saying, maybe we can try being a little nicer to those Michigan guys..."
You Think You Know, but You have no Idea. This is the Diary of:
THE DEAD!!!
HaHa! You heard it here first. The O.G. of the Undead is back! George A. Romero's Diary of the Dead is due out later this year.
Wow, I'd give both my legs, and like six fingers to be one of the Zombies in a Dead movie. We've been spoiled with awesome Zombie movies recently, with the Dawn remake, Land, and of course Shaun, so let's hope this one can still make us puke with some nice brain-munching action.
HaHa! You heard it here first. The O.G. of the Undead is back! George A. Romero's Diary of the Dead is due out later this year.
Wow, I'd give both my legs, and like six fingers to be one of the Zombies in a Dead movie. We've been spoiled with awesome Zombie movies recently, with the Dawn remake, Land, and of course Shaun, so let's hope this one can still make us puke with some nice brain-munching action.
Friday, September 7, 2007
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Week 1 NFL Picks
Have you ever wanted to hear NFL picks from a college freshman who did no research to find out anything about the teams he's picking? Ha, me neither. .... But in case you change your mind, here's Week 1!
New Orleans at Indianapolis
In what will probably be a high scoring affair, the Colts should have the upper hand because... they're better. Roger Goodell announced shortly before game time that any team scoring above 35 points will be suspended.
The pick? Indy
Denver at Buffalo
I can never pick a team with the immortal J.P. Losman throwing for them, even Darrent Williams could pick him off.
The pick? Denver
Miami at Washington
Marino shouldn't have a problem with... what's that? TRENT GREEN? I'll take my chances with Mr. Betts.
The pick? Washington
Pittsburgh at Cleveland
I see Willie Parker running train in this one and Benjamin only showing up half drunk, leading to an easy Steelers win.
The pick? Pittsburgh
Tennessee at Jacksonville
Little known story: After his release from the team, Byron Leftwich was carried out of the stadium by his offensive linemen.
The pick? Tennessee, barring a Madden curse.
Kansas City at Houston
Larry Johnson likely to sit out due to vaginal itching, Texans offensive line can't find stadium.
The pick? KC
Philadelphia at Green Bay
Brett Favre continues on his amazing journey to break the all time interceptions thrown record while Donovan McNabb's knee does a 360.
The pick? Philly
Carolina at St. Louis
Marc Bulger's new contract has made him lose the eye of the tiger!
The pick? St. Louis, anyway
Atlanta at Minnesota
In order to please the PETA people, Atlanta starts Air Bud: Golden Receiver as their number one, hilarity ensues. Unfortunately, a win does not!
The pick?! Minnesota
New England at THE JETSSS!!!!!!!!!
As Tom Brady's five wives and three children look on, Kerry Rhodes intercepts his way to victory.
The pick? J-E-T-S, JETS JETS JETS
Tampa Bay at Seattle
This is the year Matt Hasselback's baldness finally gets to him and sends him into a rage. RIP Mike Alstott.
The pick? Seattle!
Detroit at Oakland
Matt Millen's grand plan fails when he learns that Calvin Johnson is indeed unable to play quarterback. Game is interrupted briefly when Al Davis runs on to the field in his underwear.
New York Giants at Dallas
I'm not going to make the Romo fumbling joke, but I will say that former Giant running back Tiki Barber is a gynormous bag of douche. Oh, and the Giants suck.
The pick? HOW BOUT DEM COWBOYS
Baltimore at Cincinnati
With Carson Palmer back in full form, the decaying Ray Lewis and his flock of dancing fools have no chance.
The pick? Cincy
Arizona at San Francisco
As San Francisco has been dubbed this year's "Sleeper that everyone knows about," I must pick against them.
The pick? The Buzzsaw that is the Arizona Cardinals
ABSOLUTE GUARANTEED LOCK OF THE WEEK!!
Chicago at San Diego
You know that commercial where LT -excuse the expression- RUNS TRAIN on the Bears? It'll be kinda like that.
The pick? San Diego
Come back next week to see how poorly I picked, or not!
New Orleans at Indianapolis
In what will probably be a high scoring affair, the Colts should have the upper hand because... they're better. Roger Goodell announced shortly before game time that any team scoring above 35 points will be suspended.
The pick? Indy
Denver at Buffalo
I can never pick a team with the immortal J.P. Losman throwing for them, even Darrent Williams could pick him off.
The pick? Denver
Miami at Washington
Marino shouldn't have a problem with... what's that? TRENT GREEN? I'll take my chances with Mr. Betts.
The pick? Washington
Pittsburgh at Cleveland
I see Willie Parker running train in this one and Benjamin only showing up half drunk, leading to an easy Steelers win.
The pick? Pittsburgh
Tennessee at Jacksonville
Little known story: After his release from the team, Byron Leftwich was carried out of the stadium by his offensive linemen.
The pick? Tennessee, barring a Madden curse.
Kansas City at Houston
Larry Johnson likely to sit out due to vaginal itching, Texans offensive line can't find stadium.
The pick? KC
Philadelphia at Green Bay
Brett Favre continues on his amazing journey to break the all time interceptions thrown record while Donovan McNabb's knee does a 360.
The pick? Philly
Carolina at St. Louis
Marc Bulger's new contract has made him lose the eye of the tiger!
The pick? St. Louis, anyway
Atlanta at Minnesota
In order to please the PETA people, Atlanta starts Air Bud: Golden Receiver as their number one, hilarity ensues. Unfortunately, a win does not!
The pick?! Minnesota
New England at THE JETSSS!!!!!!!!!
As Tom Brady's five wives and three children look on, Kerry Rhodes intercepts his way to victory.
The pick? J-E-T-S, JETS JETS JETS
Tampa Bay at Seattle
This is the year Matt Hasselback's baldness finally gets to him and sends him into a rage. RIP Mike Alstott.
The pick? Seattle!
Detroit at Oakland
Matt Millen's grand plan fails when he learns that Calvin Johnson is indeed unable to play quarterback. Game is interrupted briefly when Al Davis runs on to the field in his underwear.
New York Giants at Dallas
I'm not going to make the Romo fumbling joke, but I will say that former Giant running back Tiki Barber is a gynormous bag of douche. Oh, and the Giants suck.
The pick? HOW BOUT DEM COWBOYS
Baltimore at Cincinnati
With Carson Palmer back in full form, the decaying Ray Lewis and his flock of dancing fools have no chance.
The pick? Cincy
Arizona at San Francisco
As San Francisco has been dubbed this year's "Sleeper that everyone knows about," I must pick against them.
The pick? The Buzzsaw that is the Arizona Cardinals
ABSOLUTE GUARANTEED LOCK OF THE WEEK!!
Chicago at San Diego
You know that commercial where LT -excuse the expression- RUNS TRAIN on the Bears? It'll be kinda like that.
The pick? San Diego
Come back next week to see how poorly I picked, or not!
What Else, George!?
ESPN.com (a sports news website) reported today that George Mitchell wants to interview 45 more current and retired baseball players about steroids. You may remember Mitchell as that guy who talked to Jason Giambi about steroids and lead guitarist for popular Rock and Roll band The Rolling Stones. "We really want to sink our teeth into this issue; we are dedicated to ridding our fine sport of these drugs. For that reason, we're going much deeper than the usual "When did you do it and how much?" questions, we want to get to know the player better. For instance, did you know that before each start, Curt Schilling likes to rub hot sauce on his balls? We want to know how much Nyquil they can down and still stay standing, as well as when they have their next endoscopy scheduled," Mitchell said.
Mitchell states: "In order to give a thorough report, we're going to be talking to some guys on the outside of baseball who might have some insight, such as Jimi Hendrix, Charlemagne, the Persian from 300 that gets knocked down the endless pit of doom, Skull Kid from Legend of Zelda, Pee Wee Reese, William Howard Taft, Kurt Cobain's bloody corpse, the creator of Jones soda, Billy Maze the oxi clean dude, Gandalf the Grey (NOT the white), the goat from the aflac commercials, the therapist from the caveman commercials, Aeschylus, Jason (Jason X version), Frogger, and John the Baptist. My committee members and I believe that with this information we can finally stop General Zod from taking over the world."
Mitchell states: "In order to give a thorough report, we're going to be talking to some guys on the outside of baseball who might have some insight, such as Jimi Hendrix, Charlemagne, the Persian from 300 that gets knocked down the endless pit of doom, Skull Kid from Legend of Zelda, Pee Wee Reese, William Howard Taft, Kurt Cobain's bloody corpse, the creator of Jones soda, Billy Maze the oxi clean dude, Gandalf the Grey (NOT the white), the goat from the aflac commercials, the therapist from the caveman commercials, Aeschylus, Jason (Jason X version), Frogger, and John the Baptist. My committee members and I believe that with this information we can finally stop General Zod from taking over the world."
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Inside the Mets' Clubhouse Meeting
Willie: All right guys, that was a great series in Atlanta. I thought I might need to listen to those guys on the FAN and scream at the umpires like a jackass, but luckily you guys came through.
LoDuca: What's wrong with screaming at the umpire? Bafangool!
Willie: Who the fuck let LoDuca out of his cage? Heilman, get over here and lock Paulie back up.
Heilman: I want to start.
Willie: Shutup! You will pitch the 8th inning as you are told!
Schoenweis: Can I pitch the eighth inning, coach?
Willie: Scott, go get me a coffee. ::Turns to Pedro Martinez:: Pedro, you ready to pitch Monday?
Pedro: Yo queiro tener una fiesta!
Willie: Can someone tell me what the fuck he's saying please?
Heilman: He said you should let me me start!
Willie: That's it, Aaron, go rub David's feet.
David: Hey boss, you mind if me, Jose, and Luis leave early to work run train on some stank hos I found on the left field line?
Willie: Uh, sure David, just be here in time for the game tomorrow.
Delgado: Can I come, guys?
Wright: Yeah... the girls said they only bone with guys who on base over .150, sorry buddy.
Willie: Anyone seen Tommy?
Mike Piazza: Yeah, he's out riding his new jetskis with Maine.
Willie: Mike, why are you here? You left the team two years ago.
Piazza: OH GOD, PLEASE TAKE ME BACK, BILLY BEANE IS TRYING TO KILL ME.
Willie: Well it looks like Paulie just gave himself an aneurysm, so I guess we'll need you anyway.
Piazza: Solid. I'll get the Metalllica.
Rick Peterson: The bee is praised whilst the mosquito is swatted. Hard work comes in many different forms.
Willie: ...Thanks, Rick, that was helpful.
Billy Wagner: I wannna throw fastballs.
Willie: I know you want to throw fastballs, Billy, but everyone's been knocking the shit out of you lately.
Billy: I'll throw faster!
Willie: No, Bil- you know what, just forget it, I'm getting out of here before Oliver finds out where the meeting is.
LoDuca: What's wrong with screaming at the umpire? Bafangool!
Willie: Who the fuck let LoDuca out of his cage? Heilman, get over here and lock Paulie back up.
Heilman: I want to start.
Willie: Shutup! You will pitch the 8th inning as you are told!
Schoenweis: Can I pitch the eighth inning, coach?
Willie: Scott, go get me a coffee. ::Turns to Pedro Martinez:: Pedro, you ready to pitch Monday?
Pedro: Yo queiro tener una fiesta!
Willie: Can someone tell me what the fuck he's saying please?
Heilman: He said you should let me me start!
Willie: That's it, Aaron, go rub David's feet.
David: Hey boss, you mind if me, Jose, and Luis leave early to work run train on some stank hos I found on the left field line?
Willie: Uh, sure David, just be here in time for the game tomorrow.
Delgado: Can I come, guys?
Wright: Yeah... the girls said they only bone with guys who on base over .150, sorry buddy.
Willie: Anyone seen Tommy?
Mike Piazza: Yeah, he's out riding his new jetskis with Maine.
Willie: Mike, why are you here? You left the team two years ago.
Piazza: OH GOD, PLEASE TAKE ME BACK, BILLY BEANE IS TRYING TO KILL ME.
Willie: Well it looks like Paulie just gave himself an aneurysm, so I guess we'll need you anyway.
Piazza: Solid. I'll get the Metalllica.
Rick Peterson: The bee is praised whilst the mosquito is swatted. Hard work comes in many different forms.
Willie: ...Thanks, Rick, that was helpful.
Billy Wagner: I wannna throw fastballs.
Willie: I know you want to throw fastballs, Billy, but everyone's been knocking the shit out of you lately.
Billy: I'll throw faster!
Willie: No, Bil- you know what, just forget it, I'm getting out of here before Oliver finds out where the meeting is.
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