NFL Picks: Week 2

Have you ever wanted to hear NFL picks from a college freshman who did no research to find out anything about the teams he's picking? Ha, me neither. .... But in case you change your mind, here's Week 2!

Being that my method of displaying teams last week was silly, I've changed it around a little. Home teams are in caps. And to make my life that much more difficult, I've decided to start picking against the spread, 'cause kiddie games are DOWN THE STREET.

Houston (+6.5) over CAROLINA
Carolina has been overrated every year since its Superbowl appearance and I'm going to go so far as to call last week's win a fluke. So, unless they start trash talking Steve Smith, I don't see the Texans losing by a touchdown.

JACKSONVILLE (-10) over Atlanta
Page 2 silly man has a man crush on Joey Harrington for whatever reason. I almost want to take the Falcons 'cause I mean, ten points? But on second thought, they have no quarterback, no receivers, and.. well that's really all you need to say. David Garrard will not be denied!

Indianapolis (-7) over TENNESSEE
The Colts dominated last week and even though they did give up +100 rush yards for the umpteenth time, I don't see Chris Brown (of all people!) having another dominating performance. Peyton should be able to have fun with Marvin and Reggie.

ST. LOUIS (-3) over San Francisco
Anyone who watched the clusterfuck that was the Monday night 49ers-Cardinals affair could not possibly pick the Niners against a decent team, Joe Nedney be damned.

NEW YORK GIANTS (Even) over Green Bay
Brett Favre is a shell of his former interception throwing machine; the interceptions he now throws are now much slower. If Eli starts (and i can't believe I'm putting faith in the lesser Manning) the Giants should win it even with a horrendous defense.

PITTSBURGH (-9.5) over Buffalo
I know they're going to be all pumped up and whatnot after Kevin Everett's injury... but they're just not good. Unless Lee Evans can throw the ball to himself, I don't see too much action coming out of the QB position. Big Ben and Santonio Holmes should be hooking up all afternoon.

New Orleans (-3.5) over TAMPA BAY
As atrocious as the Saints looked on both sides of the ball last week, the Bucs can't even get out of their own way. No way Brees is going TD-less two weeks in a row.

Minnesota (+3) over DETROIT
What with all the weapons offensively, most people would pick Detroit to pass up and down the field on a fairly weak Vikings pass D. But me? I really like Adrian Peterson, so, ya know, let's go Vikes.

Dallas (-3.5) over MIAMI
Even though they're on the road, I don't know how Dallas is only a four point favorite over the Dolphins and the Concussion King QB. Romo probably won't go for 5 tds this week, but should still run a LITTLE bit of train.

Seattle (-3) over ARIZONA
See description for San Francisco.

New York Jets (+10) over BALTIMORE
I don't care if The Chad doesn't play, there's no way the Ravens are ten points better than the Jets. I mean the Ravens might start Kyle effing Boller for Christ's sake.

CHICAGO (-12) over Kansas City
With Larry Johnson wearing Huggies again, the Chiefs has absolutely no offense. Not that the Bears do either, what with the whole Sexy Rexy thing. But the Bears defense, it is, good.

Oakland (+10) over DENVER
I don't know.

NEW ENGLAND (-3.5) over San Diego
After seeing the Pats destroy the Jets last week and with the extra motivation with the Belichik incident, I don't see the Chargers coming within 4. Randy Moss can not be stopped!

PHILADELPHIA (-6.5) Washington
As long as it's September, the Eagles are always good for a fireworks display.

ABSOLUTE GUARANTEED LOCK OF THE WEEK!
Cincinnati (-6.5) over CLEVELAND
Brady Quinn's vagina is moistening at the very thought of getting some in game action.

Last Week: 11-5
Season: 11-5
ABSOLUTE GUARANTEED LOCK (Last Week) - 1-0
ABSOLUTE GUARANTEED LOCK (Season) - 1-0

Week 1 NFL Picks

Have you ever wanted to hear NFL picks from a college freshman who did no research to find out anything about the teams he's picking? Ha, me neither. .... But in case you change your mind, here's Week 1!

New Orleans at Indianapolis
In what will probably be a high scoring affair, the Colts should have the upper hand because... they're better. Roger Goodell announced shortly before game time that any team scoring above 35 points will be suspended.
The pick? Indy

Denver at Buffalo
I can never pick a team with the immortal J.P. Losman throwing for them, even Darrent Williams could pick him off.
The pick? Denver

Miami at Washington
Marino shouldn't have a problem with... what's that? TRENT GREEN? I'll take my chances with Mr. Betts.
The pick? Washington

Pittsburgh at Cleveland
I see Willie Parker running train in this one and Benjamin only showing up half drunk, leading to an easy Steelers win.
The pick? Pittsburgh

Tennessee at Jacksonville
Little known story: After his release from the team, Byron Leftwich was carried out of the stadium by his offensive linemen.
The pick? Tennessee, barring a Madden curse.

Kansas City at Houston
Larry Johnson likely to sit out due to vaginal itching, Texans offensive line can't find stadium.
The pick? KC

Philadelphia at Green Bay
Brett Favre continues on his amazing journey to break the all time interceptions thrown record while Donovan McNabb's knee does a 360.
The pick? Philly

Carolina at St. Louis
Marc Bulger's new contract has made him lose the eye of the tiger!
The pick? St. Louis, anyway

Atlanta at Minnesota
In order to please the PETA people, Atlanta starts Air Bud: Golden Receiver as their number one, hilarity ensues. Unfortunately, a win does not!
The pick?! Minnesota

New England at THE JETSSS!!!!!!!!!
As Tom Brady's five wives and three children look on, Kerry Rhodes intercepts his way to victory.
The pick? J-E-T-S, JETS JETS JETS

Tampa Bay at Seattle
This is the year Matt Hasselback's baldness finally gets to him and sends him into a rage. RIP Mike Alstott.
The pick? Seattle!

Detroit at Oakland
Matt Millen's grand plan fails when he learns that Calvin Johnson is indeed unable to play quarterback. Game is interrupted briefly when Al Davis runs on to the field in his underwear.

New York Giants at Dallas
I'm not going to make the Romo fumbling joke, but I will say that former Giant running back Tiki Barber is a gynormous bag of douche. Oh, and the Giants suck.
The pick? HOW BOUT DEM COWBOYS

Baltimore at Cincinnati
With Carson Palmer back in full form, the decaying Ray Lewis and his flock of dancing fools have no chance.
The pick? Cincy

Arizona at San Francisco
As San Francisco has been dubbed this year's "Sleeper that everyone knows about," I must pick against them.
The pick? The Buzzsaw that is the Arizona Cardinals

ABSOLUTE GUARANTEED LOCK OF THE WEEK!!
Chicago at San Diego
You know that commercial where LT -excuse the expression- RUNS TRAIN on the Bears? It'll be kinda like that.
The pick? San Diego

Come back next week to see how poorly I picked, or not!