Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Stu Loosawitz, ESPN Classic Programmer



*sob sob sob* Aww man, I wish I was still working with all those guys on SportsCenter. I invented the 28/58 update! Goddamn that Scot Van Pelt for telling the boss I didn't like 'Who's Now.' Nobody liked that shit! That bald prickface is just mad he never gets to co-anchor with that smoking Michelle Bonner.

Now I'm here at this stupid ESPN Classic. Who came up with this skidmark of a station anyway? "hey hey, um, people who want to watch sports on tv, wouldn't want to watch the live events on ESPN, ESPN2, ABC, CBS, FOX, SNY, YES, or the one with the hockey, no I bet they would rather watch some junk from thirty years ago!" Yeah, great idea there Mangenius.

But I'll get them back! Oh yes, sweet revenge. I'll make sure that so few people watch this station, they'll have to shut it down. Then it's back to the Bristol for Big Stu! Hmm, so if I'm gonna sabotage this station, it'll take some real junky programming. I'm talking terrible excuses for sports, that would only be watched by the participants themeselves. Let's see what I got cooked up for tonight! Mwahhahaha!

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Site Update

In case you missed it, as of 5:50pm Tuesday August 21, 2007, there have been one thousand, three hundred, thirty-seven visitors to to wonderful My Dog Eats Flint, too





That's right, our site is 1337! (elite in html to all u n00bs)

zomg! w()()t w()()t!!!!!!!!!!1111eleven

Michael Vick Admits:




"ahh, motherfucker GOT me"

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Holy Shit, I'm a Genius

Goddam, I am brilliant. I mean, seriously, who in the world is smart enough to bat a pitcher eighth and throw slugger Adam Kennedy in the nine hole? Me, that's who, motherfucker.

You can't even imagine what I've got planned for Ankiel. You know how he used to be a pitcher, right? Pitchers usually bat ninth. Now chew on this, buddy: I'll bat Ankiel ninth, 'cause he used to be a pitcher. You see what I'm sayin' here, Johnny? That'll really mess with their heads. Imagine their surprise when they see it's not a pitcher batting ninth, but at the same time, it is a pitcher batting ninth!

Now you're probably thinking to yourself, "Tony, that's really too bad what happened with Spiezio." Wrong again, fuckers! While everyone was dazed and amazed by Ankiel's heroics, I put an 8 month supply of crack cocaine in his locker. I don't really know why I did it, I just can't stand that goddamn red goatee of his.

While I was there I heard some noises coming from Albert's locker, and inside was none other than the scrapster David Eckstein! I started giggling so hard I forgot to release the little shit. World Series MVP my ass, try to hustle your way out of that one.

What's that? We're still out by a bunch in the NL Central? All I can say is, don't count on Carlos Zambrano showing up on time for his next start.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Take a Chance? MAKE IT HAPPEN!


The Rumors are in, and the spin-off maybe coming, maybe. After finishing in second place, behind Donatello, okay "Tango," Chance was not happy. He is actually quoted as saying: "That damn turtle beat us ALL...Shame on that turtle." It's true, he did. Well, now they say that Chance can be getting his, second chance!, haha I'm so clever, with his own reality show. If this goes through, and we get another gangsta version of the bachelor, I will again believe in Santa Claus.

Now, this show would obviously be a spin-off of "I Love New York." But wait! "I Love New York" was just a spin-off of "Flavor of Love?" Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's take some time and map this out. It all started with...

The Surreal Life. That's right I'm going waaay back here. VH1's first of it's Celeb-Reality genre. A bunch of old "celebs" stuck in a house together, whining and fighting and not hooking up enough. Nobody connected to Chance was in this edition, but just wait to the next seasons...


Surreal Life Season Two! No not here, try again...






Alright, Surreal Life 3, now we're getting somewhere. You see who's there, that's Flavor Flav! Oh yeah the original Hype Man from Public Enemy. He was so rad, one show could not contain him. His flirty connection with Brigitte Nielsen was not unnoticed, and the next show on our tour is...



Strange Love! Almost forgot about that one. Yea Flav thought he found his one and only in the 40 year old Dutch Dragon. Unfortunately, it was not meant to be. But, In VH1's never-ending quest to get former celebrities laid, Flav got a new show to find his love.




Flavor of Love was where true love would really be captured on television. Actually it was where a bunch of crazy ghetto bitches literally fought for camera time with Chuck D's Sidekick. One of these crazy girls was named Tiffany Pollard, AKA New York. We'll get back to her later. But first!



Flavor of Love 2. Didn't think we'd need this, but apparently cupid did not strike the first time around. So blah blah blah a bunch of crazy stuff happened...and New York came back! What? The nutjob from the first one? Yes! She had such star power, we needed to see more. So much more, just being a contestant was not enough. By now, we all know that...



I Love New York! Hey me too! So I Love New York debuted to the highest ratings ever for VH1, and more crazy stuff went down. It was basically the same show as Flavor of Love, (which is basically the same as the bachelor, see what I'm getting at), but with the sexes switched. The craziest guy, the 'New York' of "New York" if you would, was this fella named Chance.


And Chance was so cool, that maybe, just maybe VH1 will repeat the formula and give us more of what we crave. Hey, its worked with all these, and I didn't even mention Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School and Bret Michaels: Rock of Love. Alright I mentioned them just now.

So there you have it, the complete heritage line of Chance. Check back next time for updates, and the Where are they now? of New York's gay friend Chamo.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

The REAL Sports Ticker

-ESPN seems enthusiastic about ESPN's Christmas basketball games.
-Man claims Bonds never did steroids; also doesn't believe in dinosaurs or OJ's guilt.
-Tom Brady announces his desire to form a great tandem with Randy Moss, Brett Favre can't wait to get reacquainted with opposing DBacks.
-Luis Castillo has 23 career home runs. Seriously. That's like Rey Ordonez territory.
-Dwayne Wade, Shaq run train on Miami cheerleading squad as part of an off season workout.
-Ray Lewis can't wait to get stab-, ehrm, tackling.
-New ESPN.com feature will cockpunch readers during every Barry Bonds at bat.
-Suzyn Waldman feeling rather sheepish about "that whole Clemens thing."
-LOL IT'Z LIKE CANONIZED.