Go _____ Rays!

So Tampa Bay has finally exorcised themselves and dropped the cursed "Devil" from their name. Losing the intimidation linked to the one creature capable of offing the late great Steve Irwin, they are now named after a geometric figure:

Scary Ain't it?

Well that got us thinking, what if other teams get inspired by the brevity going on, and shorten their own name? It worked for Prince. What could happen? Maybe this:

-Washington RedSkins drop the "Red" from their name, go only by 'Skins. Meaning of course, they play with no shirts on.

-Philadelphia 76ers decide 76 is too high of a number, finish season as the Philadelphia 14s

-Portland Trail Blazers are now simply called Blazers, wear "business casual" uniforms.

-Randall Gay decides to go by one name. He picks Gay. It was a 50-50 shot.

-M. Night Shyamalan shortens his name to avoid confusion. He will now go by "that douche who made signs"

-Charlotte Bobcats, fearing action from PETA, drop "cats". The Bobs represent the everyman.

-Hofstra University Flying Dutchmen change names to Hofstra Dutch Oven. No one goes to home Basketball games.

-South Carolina GameCocks shorten their name to just "Game." Wasn't expecting that.

-New Jersey Devils also see the problem with "Devil" but really have no choice.

-Tennessee Titans drop unnecessary letters, are called the "Tits." Trade Vince Young for four Cheerleaders, a team masseuse, and a sideline reporter to be named later.

-University of Las Vegas change from "Runnin' Rebels" to "Runnin' Train." Fucking right.

Inside the Knicks Locker Room

Isiah: Does anyone know where Stephon went?

Zach Randolph: Who? Is he the guy with the long hair?

Renaldo: No, that's me you dumb fuck.

Randolph: Haha, sorry, I am high as SHIT right now.

Isiah: Zach, I thought we agreed on no illegal narcotics two hours before gametime?

Randolph: I couldn't help it coach, the weed was callin' me.

Isiah: Goddammit, Zach. Eddy, what's wrong?

Eddy Curry: I'm hungry.

Nate Robinson: You just had three footlong subs and a cheesecake, how the hell are you still hungry, tubs?

Curry: I dunno, missing free throws works up my appetite.

Isiah: ...So no Stephon then? I guess... we have to start...

Mardy Collins: Me, coach, start me!!!

Isiah: Oh, shit no, there is no way in hell you are ever going to start again on one of my teams. No, I've decided that I'm coming out of retirement for tonight's game.

Curry: Are we still going to Baskin Robbins after the game?

Isiah: I told you, if you hit half of your free throws tonight, we'll go.

Curry: Solid, I'm gonna go have a pre game snack.

They all hear a distant rumbling, which grows louder by the second. No, it can't be...
Vin Baker: Who's ready to get fucked in the ass?!

Isiah: Security, hurry! Vin, how the hell did you get in this building?

Vin Baker: Do it even matter? I just drank three bottles of Hennessey and I am ready to FUCK SOMEBODY UP!

Nate: Don't worry guys, I can take him.

Isiah: Nate I know you're borderline psychotic, but once Baker starts moving he absolutely cannot be stopped.

Nate: Shit. Let's get out of here.

Marbury enters, clearly high as shit.

Marbury: Goddamn, Vin, how you doin'?!

Vin smashes Marbury in the face with a cricket bat and proceeds to eat his brains.

Marbury: Nooooo, if only I had made more expensive sneakkkkkerrrrsssss.....


David Lee: That was awesome, let's go run a train.

Ha, I Am Your God

You see what this is? This is my new fuckin' haircut.

Yeah, you know you wanna click that badass link at the top of this post. You know why? 'Cause I'm the fuckin' man, and everyone should know it. You think I got to be this handsome by sitting on my ass drinking Milwaukee's Best Lite and eating Goldfish? Fuck no, man. These guns were sculpted by countless hours at the gym while simultaneously supermanning hos.

What's that? You can't stop looking at my headband? You want to know how much this cost, you fucking pauper? $200. Yeah, that's right, two hundred big badass American smackeroos. It's made out of ostrich scrotum. Little known fact: that stuff was outlawed in the late 19th century, but I managed to talk to some of my Australian homies and they had it specially made for me.

I bet you're wondering what the 5 on the end of my bat means. The number on my jersey?! That what you wish it was, you poor bastard. No, I'm afraid that was the number of women I had in my bed last night. I didn't even use a condom! There's going to be mini-Davids running around all over the place, running a train on all those who do not recognize my amazing abilities.

Can you even begin to understand the true meaning of my pussy getting powers? I won the Gold Glove at third base this year, and I came in second in the voting for Gold Glove at catcher. Now you may be saying, "David, you had 21 errors this year, how the hell did you win the Gold Glove?" ...'Cause I'm David Wright, dipshit! You think errors have anything to do with being a good fielder? It's all about who looks the very best out there in the field. And... come on, we all know who that is.

You think Derek Jeter's the only guy in this town who has his own cologne? I'm working on my own right now; it's called Essence of David. Basically, it's my piss. Yeah, it sounds a little weird at first, but I consistently piss excellence. Think of it like Michael's Secret Stuff from Space Jam, goddamn it do I love that movie.

Some other things you might not know about me:
>You know the last chapter of the seventh Harry Potter book? The whole thing is a metaphor for when me and J.K. Rowling did it.
>I wrote the Bill Belichick post.
>I created and destroyed the ManBearPig

Time to pop that collar....

Tiger Woods Dickslaps the field in FedEx Cup Victory

Wow. By now I really think that if Tiger was hanging out at SeaWorld, he could kill Shamoo with a chip-shot in the blowhole.

There's not much this man can't do. Not only did he win by 8 strokes this weekend, but he won the first annual FedEx Cup by 12,000 points. In fact, he didn't even have to show up on Sunday to clinch the title.

And this is the dude who didn't bother going to the first event. As far as Eldrick is concerned, opening rounds are for pussies.

You know, I remember this one time, (oh I'm not done with the ridiculous claims), I saw Tiger hit a tee-shot so high, he caused a solar eclipse. True story. How about this: Did you know the Berlin Airlift was not dropped by planes, but Tiger Woods standing in Washington with a 3-Wood? In fact, it was Mr. Woods who sent the A-Bombs to Japan. With a 7-Iron no less.

So basically, you could say Tiger Woods, RAN TRAIN on the rest of the field.
And remember, my friends, there are a lot of people in the PGA Tour, so that is a lot of running.

Inside the Mets' Clubhouse Meeting

Willie: All right guys, that was a great series in Atlanta. I thought I might need to listen to those guys on the FAN and scream at the umpires like a jackass, but luckily you guys came through.

LoDuca: What's wrong with screaming at the umpire? Bafangool!

Willie: Who the fuck let LoDuca out of his cage? Heilman, get over here and lock Paulie back up.

Heilman: I want to start.

Willie: Shutup! You will pitch the 8th inning as you are told!

Schoenweis: Can I pitch the eighth inning, coach?

Willie: Scott, go get me a coffee. ::Turns to Pedro Martinez:: Pedro, you ready to pitch Monday?

Pedro: Yo queiro tener una fiesta!

Willie: Can someone tell me what the fuck he's saying please?

Heilman: He said you should let me me start!

Willie: That's it, Aaron, go rub David's feet.

David: Hey boss, you mind if me, Jose, and Luis leave early to work run train on some stank hos I found on the left field line?

Willie: Uh, sure David, just be here in time for the game tomorrow.

Delgado: Can I come, guys?

Wright: Yeah... the girls said they only bone with guys who on base over .150, sorry buddy.

Willie: Anyone seen Tommy?

Mike Piazza: Yeah, he's out riding his new jetskis with Maine.

Willie: Mike, why are you here? You left the team two years ago.

Piazza: OH GOD, PLEASE TAKE ME BACK, BILLY BEANE IS TRYING TO KILL ME.

Willie: Well it looks like Paulie just gave himself an aneurysm, so I guess we'll need you anyway.

Piazza: Solid. I'll get the Metalllica.

Rick Peterson: The bee is praised whilst the mosquito is swatted. Hard work comes in many different forms.

Willie: ...Thanks, Rick, that was helpful.

Billy Wagner: I wannna throw fastballs.

Willie: I know you want to throw fastballs, Billy, but everyone's been knocking the shit out of you lately.

Billy: I'll throw faster!

Willie: No, Bil- you know what, just forget it, I'm getting out of here before Oliver finds out where the meeting is.

The REAL Sports Ticker

-ESPN seems enthusiastic about ESPN's Christmas basketball games.
-Man claims Bonds never did steroids; also doesn't believe in dinosaurs or OJ's guilt.
-Tom Brady announces his desire to form a great tandem with Randy Moss, Brett Favre can't wait to get reacquainted with opposing DBacks.
-Luis Castillo has 23 career home runs. Seriously. That's like Rey Ordonez territory.
-Dwayne Wade, Shaq run train on Miami cheerleading squad as part of an off season workout.
-Ray Lewis can't wait to get stab-, ehrm, tackling.
-New ESPN.com feature will cockpunch readers during every Barry Bonds at bat.
-Suzyn Waldman feeling rather sheepish about "that whole Clemens thing."
-LOL IT'Z LIKE CANONIZED.

Shawn Kemp

Running train since 1985.

Photo from CavsHistory.com