I Love Cheese! I Put Provolone in My Socks at Night So They Smell Like Your Sister's [Sports Ticker] in the Morning!

-The Orioles have asked Vice President Joe Biden to throw out the first pitch today. Due to their lack of pitching, he will also throw the following 99 pitches.

-I am not going to make a joke about Brett Myers and potential continued domestic abuse after his getting shelled last night. That would be inappropriate.

-There's a category on Sports Center called "Unhappy Coach," which I think is the title of the new Mitch Albom book.


-Jay Cutler asks Bears to paint his locker black in order to "reflect the gloomy forecast of [his] soul."

-Report: Donte Stallworth "alarmed" to learned that manslaughter means murder and does not refer to a manwhich type barbeque dish.

-Michael Jordan elected to Basketball Hall of Fame, narrowly misses induction to Baseball Hall of Fame.

The REAL Sports Ticker

-ESPN seems enthusiastic about ESPN's Christmas basketball games.
-Man claims Bonds never did steroids; also doesn't believe in dinosaurs or OJ's guilt.
-Tom Brady announces his desire to form a great tandem with Randy Moss, Brett Favre can't wait to get reacquainted with opposing DBacks.
-Luis Castillo has 23 career home runs. Seriously. That's like Rey Ordonez territory.
-Dwayne Wade, Shaq run train on Miami cheerleading squad as part of an off season workout.
-Ray Lewis can't wait to get stab-, ehrm, tackling.
-New ESPN.com feature will cockpunch readers during every Barry Bonds at bat.
-Suzyn Waldman feeling rather sheepish about "that whole Clemens thing."
-LOL IT'Z LIKE CANONIZED.

SPORTS TICKAAAA

-Barry Bonds plans to celebrate breaking all time home run mark by sticking giant syringe up his ass and give fans the finger.
-Eagles sign QB Kevin Kolb; Donovan McNabb seen sobbing over a bowl of Chunky Soup.
-I bet Tim Donaghy $10 he couldn't stop gambling...
-Gary Sheffield doesn't care about white people.
-Lastings Milledge!
-ESPN plans to shut down when Barry Bonds retires.

The Occasional Sports Ticker

-Alex Rodriguez soon to become youngest player to hit 500 not clutch home runs.
-Tony La Russa inexplicably bats Aaron Rowand over Albert Pujols in bottom of the ninth in the All Star game, later gives Pujols' wife the Shocker.
-Bill Simmons still pretty sure Mike Lowell is done.
-Chaos reigns as Kevin Durant is not strong enough to pick up the ball in a Summer League game.
-Chinese government kidnaps and threatens to kill Andrew Bogut unless Yi is traded to a bigger market.
-Yao Ming sad that he is no longer the only Chinese sensation in the league (if you don't count Wang ZhiZhi).
-Honest Prediction: Darko will actually be good in Memphis.
-Manny Ramirez loves the new Harry Potter movie.
-Prince Fielder, upset over fielding error, eats baseball.

The Occasional Sports Ticker

-Sammy Sosa hits 600 home runs, soul immediately repossessed by Satan as per their contract.
-If Jean-Sebastien Giguere signs a 4-year, $24 million dollar contract and no one cares, does he still get the money?
-Chinese draft prospect Yi Jianlian's stock drops dramatically following his inability to play basketball.
-Fantastic Four commercials during NBA Finals fail to inspire Cavaliers to play four men at a time in order to beat the Spurs.
-Bill Simmons' tears over loss of draft lottery beginning to flood the Manhattan Island.
-Jason Giambi's injection of (Apple) juice fails to make him anything more than delicious.
-Kevin Garnett turns agent to stone with steely gaze for even suggesting a trade to the Celtics.
-Mike Brown still trying to figure out how to score on those darned Spurs.

The Weekly Sports Ticker

-Bruce Bowen stabs Steve Nash with a hunting knife; Greg Popovich sees no foul.
-Rockets fire Jeff Van Gundy but sign the bags under his eyes to a 3-year extension.
-Tony Parker makes foul shot, still French.
-Manu Ginobili's bald spot holds three tourists hostage at the team hotel.
-Jimmy Rollins thinks Yankees are team to beat in AL East.
-Each one of Roger Clemens' 58 pitches in his Friday minor league start cured a child with Leukemia. Also, each time The Rocket wins, it counts as 2 wins for the Yankees, and 1 loss for the Red Sox.
-Floyd Landis pisses Orange soda in his latest drug test, baffles officials.
-Cam Cameron not impressed by Rickey Williams' gift of fruit basket, dime bag.

The Sports Ticker

-Bobby Cox planning to stab umpire in celebration of breaking the all time ejections record.
-Dirk Nowitzki to put MVP trophy between his balls and heart on the shelf.
-Curt Schilling hangs self in order to get more attention in between starts.
-Yankees hope banning booze in clubhouse will help headcases Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera stay focused on the field.
-Josh Hamilton demands no trade clause in his contract, but only to the Yankees.
-Jaguars devastated to learn Byron Leftwich is healthy, able to play.
-Isiah Thomas given contract extension for coaching his nephew's PAL team to .500 record.
-John Amaechi would like you to know he's gay. Also, did he mention he's gay?
-Sebastian Telfair found in Central Park burning copies of "Through the Fire" for warmth.
-Mariners still confident signing Jeff Weaver was a good move.
-Pacman Jones suspension repealed under the condition that he "tries really hard this time."