Derek Anderson Sells His Soul

Yeah, Derek Anderson grunts while he gets his swell on at the gym, so what?

Derek Anderson: Satan, why didn't God make me a better quarterback?

Satan: Because he hates you and your whore mother!

DA: Oh... ok. So is the dealio sounding good to you?

Satan: Are we talking about the deal where Eli Manning massages my feet?

DA: No, dude, I'm talking about the one where I play really good for one game.

Satan: Right, right... so you give me your soul and I give you two touchdowns and 210 yards passing.

DA: Fuck no, Satan! My soul is worth way more than that!

Satan: Jesus Christ, how about... 20/33 for 260 yards and 3 touchdowns?

DA: I can see we're not getting anywhere here. In addition to my soul, I'll throw in five years of my wife's soul.

Satan: Way to fuckin' sweeten the deal! 20/33, 328 yards, 5 touchdowns it is. But there is one thing.

DA: What's that?

Satan: You're going to have to throw one interception, I'm not a miracle worker.

DA: Fine! Boy, hell is gonna be so great! I get to see JFK, and Jesus, and the guy who played Shooter McGavin in Happy Gilmore and--

Satan: Derek, you nimrod, that's heaven. Hell is the bad one.

DA: What? FUCK! I knew I should have done some research. Can we change that whole arrangement?

Satan: Too late, see you in hell buddy!

What Else, George!?

ESPN.com (a sports news website) reported today that George Mitchell wants to interview 45 more current and retired baseball players about steroids. You may remember Mitchell as that guy who talked to Jason Giambi about steroids and lead guitarist for popular Rock and Roll band The Rolling Stones. "We really want to sink our teeth into this issue; we are dedicated to ridding our fine sport of these drugs. For that reason, we're going much deeper than the usual "When did you do it and how much?" questions, we want to get to know the player better. For instance, did you know that before each start, Curt Schilling likes to rub hot sauce on his balls? We want to know how much Nyquil they can down and still stay standing, as well as when they have their next endoscopy scheduled," Mitchell said.
Mitchell states: "In order to give a thorough report, we're going to be talking to some guys on the outside of baseball who might have some insight, such as Jimi Hendrix, Charlemagne, the Persian from 300 that gets knocked down the endless pit of doom, Skull Kid from Legend of Zelda, Pee Wee Reese, William Howard Taft, Kurt Cobain's bloody corpse, the creator of Jones soda, Billy Maze the oxi clean dude, Gandalf the Grey (NOT the white), the goat from the aflac commercials, the therapist from the caveman commercials, Aeschylus, Jason (Jason X version), Frogger, and John the Baptist. My committee members and I believe that with this information we can finally stop General Zod from taking over the world."