Hallelujah! Our Savior has arrived!

David Beckham arrived in the US on Friday, and everything changed. Oh? It didn't? You didn't feel the very planet shake when his foot first touched American soil? Well maybe not yet, but here are what may happen in the coming weeks:

- Beck's first MLS game, July 21st on ESPN, breaks ratings records. Watched by nearly 40 million households, ESPN decides to take advantage of his popularity. ESPN Classic changes to Beckham Classic. Baseball Tonight is now Soccer Tonight, and for some reason John Kruk is still an analyst. Also, a reality show is created documenting David Beckham's journey's through the local Pathmark, and his struggle in selecting the perfect toilet tissue.

- David Beckham trips over his Personal Cameraman when jogging on to the field for the first time. Becks breaks his leg, tears and ACL, and is out indefinitely. After being carried out on a stretcher, the 40,000 fans that attended the game all walk out of the stadium and the match is played with only two fans remaing, the guy who sells hot dogs, and a 14 year old girl who mistakenly thought all the spice girls would show up.

- Much like when Reggie Jackson came to New York, a candy is made for David Beckham. Hershey comes out with a bag of chocolate covered peanuts with chocolate sprinkles. The package of candy's is called Beckham's Sack. Young women eat-up the candy, despite it tasting like total balls.

Of course, the mostly likely thing that will happen after Beck's arrival:

- Absolutely nothing.

Things I Will See in Hell...

That actually happened in real life.

As I sat down to eat four delicious tacos, I said to myself, "Boy, I sure would like to watch some sports programming right now, what better than ESPN." Bad move.

ESPN: Baseball Tonight... which usually wouldn't be a problem except it was hosted only by KRUKKIE and your favorite failure of a Mets GM, Stevie P. In addition to these two jackasses, we had Stephen A. giving updates and telling them how much they suck.

ESPN2: Auto Racing. Speaks for itself.

ESPN News: No news today, just the always whiny Mike Lupica and his talking head minions yapping about the "real issues" of sports.

ESPN Classic: All right, maybe here I can get some legitimate old sports, and who doesn't love that? I'm thinking old NBA Finals games, some World Series, maybe even an old hot dog contest. Far from it, my friends. We're subjected to, once again, classic PBA Bowling.

Why must ESPN put me in programming hell?

John Kruk's Top Google Searches

- Cupcake Recipes

- Paris Hilton Tape

- Grand Theft Auto III cheat codes

- Fantasy Baseball Tips

- Weight Watchers Dessert Ideas

- Protective Cups that DON'T BREAK

- Cheap Haircuts

- Paris Hilton Tape for Free

- Gamblers Anonymous

- Shrine To John Kruk*

*Oh he found it

Kruk Redux!

I'm sorry I ever doubted you, Mr. Kruk. Workers of ESPN, unite! You have nothing to lose but your jobs.

David Wells, John Kruk, and a Cupcake!

A battle that wages brother against brother, and father against son. A centuries long struggle for dominance in a brutal society ruled by thuggery. This civil war will not end until the Masters of the Universe have ended their struggle: Which one of these fat gods will find the world's last cupcake and become Earth's fattest athlete once and for all?

Kruk. Wells.
Cupcake Wars

Rated R for sweet revenge and just desserts!