A-Rod: Universal Bitch, Part II

As our story opens, Alex recently got away from Boras' taunting and is calling George Steinbrenner to tell him he's opting out of his contract.

Alex: Mr. Steinbrenner?

George: Is this Billy Martin?! I already told you you were fired, you lazy eyed fuck!

Alex: No, sir, this is Alex Rodriguez, or "Gay-Rod," as some of the fans have begun to affectionately call me. And I don't have a lazy eye; you might be referring to the slight limp I've acquired since being double teamed by my agent and Reggie Jackson.

George: Oh yeah, Scotty told me all about that. You still listening to that Ben Stefanie garbage?

Alex: Her name is Gwen Stefani, and you know that, Mr. Steinbrenner. It helps me relax after a long day of carrying your team.

George: That's enough of your yellow bellied bullshit. Do you have any idea how much I bought the Yankees for? And what they're worth now?! I could buy your soul, use it as a one time toilet like those vagrants do with stalled cars on the side of the road, and set it on fire.

Alex: I didn't want to have to do this, but you're forcing me to use my outside voice. I'm opting out of my contract, and you can't stop me! ...That felt amazing; I've never been so bold before, it's given me a tinkle in my dinkle-doo!

George: Dinkle-doo? Alex, let me tell you an amusing anecdote. When I was 14 I met a young man who referred to his dick as a dinkle-doo. I beat him over the head with Wonderboy and stole three of his fingernails. Now, do you want to rethink your previous statement?

Alex: Mr. Steinbrenner, I just can't handle this town. The other day I caught Jeter by his locker masturbating to a picture of himself . I heard Shelley Duncan talking about a foursome he had with four Vietnamese senior citizens. And, I mean, Christ, did you know that Torre sits in his office for hours after games staring at the wall and saying "Both teams played hard," over and over again?!

George: Alex, perhaps you're really not cut out for this town. This means that there's only one solution. A... final solution.

Alex: ...What are you saying, sir?

George: Alex, let's let facts be facts- you're the best goddamn player in baseball. If you go to play for those fairy Red Sox, they're a lock to win the series; if you play for the Mets, well, that's just an embarrassment. I'm going to have to kill you.

Alex: Put the gun away, you crazy old liver spotted fucker! I'm out of here!

Super George: ::George raises the revolver, fires three shots into the now closed door:: Ah, shit, I missed. I guess that bastard's gone forever. Who am I gonna get to play third base?

Alex: Whew, that was a close call. I guess it's time to hold teams hostage for all of their money!

Don't forget to come back for Part III, where Alex will negotiate a new contract while trying to stay away from Super George.

A Short Biography of Jesse Palmer

Jesse Archibald Palmer was born on July 4, 1812. He has no mother because he sprung out of his father Joe the Fatass' left thigh during a duel with Edward the Black Prince, who led the Honolulu Hamburgers to a 54-7 win over the Hamburg Doodybombs in the Battle of Hastings in 1066 AD. Palmer's father immediately threw Jesse in a perfect spiral into the head of Edward the Black Prince, and thus the game of football was invented.

Palmer spent his childhood hunting down the evil remnants of Julius Caesar's Shrine of the Silver monkey. Unfortunately, three pieces slipped his grasp and made their way to the set of a children's television show, Legends of the Hidden Temple. Upon finding the last of the Dead Sea scrolls, he accidentally released Bill Belichick's soul from the ninth circle of Hell, where Satan had been skinning him.

In the 1800's Palmer unsuccessfully ran for president of the United States 17 times for the Diarrhea Party. Calling for better toilet paper in yet to be invented public bathrooms, his cause was not fulfilled until Elizabeth Cady Stanton took up the cause in the late 19th century. After spending most of the early to mid 20th century searching for the Fountain of Youth, Palmer eventually found it by drinking the liquid coming out of Al Gore's asshole after Gore invented the internet.

After being drafted into the NBA under the alias Lenny Bias, Palmer died of a cocaine overdose before he ever played a game for the expansion franchise Boston Celtics. Local priest Larry Bird called it "a sad day for clergymen everywhere."

After successfully inventing caviar, Palmer entered the University of Florida as a freshman in the late 1990s in order to set a new record for number of co-eds knocked up in one semester. He soon tired of this and decided to join the football team. He took on Rex Grossman as his young Padowan and taught him how to become a Sex Cannon. After cloning himself to play as a shitty ass quarterback who couldn't beat out Kerry Collins, the real Palmer went to Iran and kicked Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in the balls for being such a fucking asshole.

Palmer is now a college football analyst for ESPNnews, where he makes minimum wage. "I'm not in it for the money; they let me have a shot at Erin Andrews after every show, so I can't complain." He lives in Stockholm, Sweden with his pet panda bear Mi-shu and his son, Larry David.

In Case You Missed It:

The NHL Has Started!

"This is SPARTA!"

No seriously, and they played like 15 games...

The Pacific Conference is Really Tight
First and Fifth is separated by only three points. Yes, points, I know I know just deal with it.

The Redwings are Really Good
Well of course, this is Dr. Cox's team so we all knew they'd bitch everyone around, and call the Blackhawks "Betty."

Swedish Guy with Beard is Points Leader
Naturally, some dude named Henrik is the scoring leader. Crosby is up there and will probably pass him soon enough. Actually, I have no fucking idea, but I heard of this Crosby kid. Possibly only because his name looks like Cosby.

Martin Brodeur is Old
Dude can't hack it no more. He's a legend in the game, but he's 35, and has a 2.83 goals agains average (Again, I don't know what that means but he's ranked 30th in the NHL). Fortunately, you are still allowed to call yourself MarTAN when blocking your friend from grabbing your shit.

Alright, that's enough. There's all you need to no about Hockey. If you really have a craving for the puck, just watch D2: The Might Ducks on Encore. Check back in 8 months when this long-ass season is finally over, and we'll tell you why nobody watched the Stanley Cup.


"Fuck You Barry Melrose! Back to NFL News!"

Ha, I Am Your God

You see what this is? This is my new fuckin' haircut.

Yeah, you know you wanna click that badass link at the top of this post. You know why? 'Cause I'm the fuckin' man, and everyone should know it. You think I got to be this handsome by sitting on my ass drinking Milwaukee's Best Lite and eating Goldfish? Fuck no, man. These guns were sculpted by countless hours at the gym while simultaneously supermanning hos.

What's that? You can't stop looking at my headband? You want to know how much this cost, you fucking pauper? $200. Yeah, that's right, two hundred big badass American smackeroos. It's made out of ostrich scrotum. Little known fact: that stuff was outlawed in the late 19th century, but I managed to talk to some of my Australian homies and they had it specially made for me.

I bet you're wondering what the 5 on the end of my bat means. The number on my jersey?! That what you wish it was, you poor bastard. No, I'm afraid that was the number of women I had in my bed last night. I didn't even use a condom! There's going to be mini-Davids running around all over the place, running a train on all those who do not recognize my amazing abilities.

Can you even begin to understand the true meaning of my pussy getting powers? I won the Gold Glove at third base this year, and I came in second in the voting for Gold Glove at catcher. Now you may be saying, "David, you had 21 errors this year, how the hell did you win the Gold Glove?" ...'Cause I'm David Wright, dipshit! You think errors have anything to do with being a good fielder? It's all about who looks the very best out there in the field. And... come on, we all know who that is.

You think Derek Jeter's the only guy in this town who has his own cologne? I'm working on my own right now; it's called Essence of David. Basically, it's my piss. Yeah, it sounds a little weird at first, but I consistently piss excellence. Think of it like Michael's Secret Stuff from Space Jam, goddamn it do I love that movie.

Some other things you might not know about me:
>You know the last chapter of the seventh Harry Potter book? The whole thing is a metaphor for when me and J.K. Rowling did it.
>I wrote the Bill Belichick post.
>I created and destroyed the ManBearPig

Time to pop that collar....

Shaquille O'Neal's Plans for the Future

1) Hang around under basket, wait for pass

2) Call Universal Studios about Kazaam 2: The Next Wish

3) Massage D. Wade's knees so he can heal quicker

4) Work on Free Throws <---- Haha, fuck that!

5) Eat a full-grown Bear for Dinner tonight

6) "Retire" from Basketball, fail miserably at minor league Baseball, Star in Cartoon/Live Action movie, Make triumphant return to NBA

7) Start Wearing a Cowboy Hat 24/7 (Cowboys are the new Pirates)

8) Beat Guitar Hero III

9) Continue Hitting on HEATDancers

10) Get one of those "MySpace" Pages (to relate to my young fans)

11) Finish Watching 'A-Team' DVDs Anfernee gave me for X-mas

12) Buy a Tiger <---- So Badass!

13) Complete Gallon of Milk in one Hour Challenge, Win $20 from Gilbert Arenas

14) Learn Karate (So I can start bustin' heads in UFC)

15) Take Advantage of Writer's Strike by pitching "LoveShaq" reality show VH1 Would LOVE This!!!!

Dennis Miller Sucks

Now, I try to avoid making fun of people who are more successful than me under most circumstances. Except this. And this. Oh, and this! And, being the good natured (re: asshole) that I am, I wanted to avoid this at all costs. But oh, Dennis Miller, you are too much. The commercial for Miller's new show was broadcast on 660 WFAN all week, and it is a doozy. Some excerpts from the commercial: (I don't remember exactly, so I'm paraphrasing a bit)

"Now, folks, I don't mean to be the turd in the punchbowl, but calling big time collegiate athletes "students" is like calling Dr. J an M.D.

Oh, Dennis, you are fucking edgy. You may be the first person in the history of the NCAA to suggest that college athletes might not go to class or hand in assignments. Someone call ESPN, this has got to be reported ASAP! I mean, the thing you have to understand about Dennis is that not only does he have things to say, but he's not afraid to say them.

"Folks, reading the sports pages these days is more depressing than watching Britney dance!"

Huh? What is so depressing about sports today that wasn't there 10 or 20 years ago? And not only is Dennis edgy, but he knows his pop culture! Get it?! BRITNEY IS FAT AND GROSS!!!!1 Nothing really hits home with the kids quite like a Britney Spears Joke! Right guys? ...Right?

"What is it going to take to make us turn away? I guess al-Qaeda is going to have to buy the Cowboys and win the Super Bowl on the back of a rejuvenated OJ. And don't laugh, folks, Juice looked pretty spry on his latest perp-walk."

...Dennis, you've lost me. OK, so there's al-Qaeda and... OJ? Look, he makes juxtapositions that don't make sense! If you don't laugh, it means you're not smart enough to get it.

Dennis, spewing unfunny foolishness that makes no sense does not equal funny.

Oh, and, this is what real humor is.

Being Bland with ESPN's Own National Voice: Gene Wojciechowski

Some of Gene's thoughts* on recent sports news:

"You know, the Celtics really have a shot at being a playoff team this year."
"The Patriots, if they play exceptionally well, could go undefeated."
"Having a regular season NFL game in London? What's next, NBA in China?"
"Alex Rodriguez may not be worth $350 million."
"It seems Andy Reid may have some troubles at home."
"Call me crazy, but I think there's a chance OJ might have done it... the robbery, not the throat slicing!"
"Anyone ever notice Terrell Owens has kind of a big mouth?"
"Little known fact: Ray Lewis often dances in a humorous yet terrifying manner before games."
"I think that Adrian Peterson might have a productive career."
"Tank Johnson may have made some mistakes, but we should give him another chance."
"I think steroids may soon be an issue in baseball."
"I might be the first to notice this, but Shaquille O'Neal seems to have left his prime."
"That Tiger Woods sure is a ferocious competitor!"


*Gene did not actually say these things, but probably thought about them.

I could go on, but pretending to be Gene has caused me to fall asleep.

Jason Witten's Helmet-less Thoughts:

Before the Snap:


"Did you hear that guys! We're doing 36 Dog-Fly! That's a pass to me! Yippee! Oh boy, I'm gonna wave to Mom! Hi M- oh shit he said hike..."

The Catch:


"Ooohh here it comes.....GOT IT! Woohoo! Oh man maybe I'll score a touchdown, that would be sweeeet. Just gonna turn around and....FUCK WHO ARE THESE GUYS!?!"

The Hit:


"Ouchie Ouchie Ouchie! Goddammit that hurt! My God why do I play this game? Well next pla- wait, I'm still fucking standing! How the fuck am I not dead? Well I guess I'll just keep on running..."

No Helmet? No Problem!

"Wait, something's different...Oh my God I can see everything! Praise JESUS! You know this feels pretty good, I should run around with no helmet more often. But wait...isn't there a reason we wear those things? I mean besides being a great place to keep a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich....Oh yeah in case I get hit like I did before! Well I better run really fucking fast then. Maybe Terrell will have a really funny touchdown dance for Mr. NakedFace. Ha, I made that nickname up right now! I'm so clev-"

The Hit Numero Dos:

"Ahh, Motherfucker got me! Well it was a good run, maybe I'll make Sportscenter's Top 10. Oh I hope that Suzy Kolber announces it, that bitch is in my Top 10, Hey-O! Well I guess all that's left to do now is have some nerdy dude stick his finger in my nose while this creepy teammate watches..."

WTF?

A-Rod: Universal Bitch

The following conversation took place during Game 4 of the World Series. On stage in this edition of A-Rod: Universal Bitch are Scott Boras and Alex.

Alex: Scott, do you really think announcing that I'm opting out during a World Series game is a good idea?

Boras: Please, Alex, Mister Scott. And yes, you little pansy, this is how we're going to do it. I want to give those Yankees a good shot to the crotch when they least expect it, while simultaneously pissing off the Red Sox.

Alex: All right... if you say so. Don't you think this is going to make people dislike me even more? I mean, I once slapped the frikking ball out of that silly man who throws the ball's hand.

Boras: Could you please be a man and say "fuck" for once?

Alex: Eek! Mr. Scott, please don't offend my delicate ears in such a way! I just had them waxed?

Boras: You wax your ears, you girly man? I've heard enough, I'm going to have sex with your wife tonight.

Alex: Again?! You just had your way with her Saturday! She showed me the video. I really wish that you wouldn't do the Reverse Cowgirl on her.

Boras: Alex, that's a man's sex position. Just let that thought go from now, my bitch. I'm going to make you richer than Dante Bichette after he robbed that armored car!

Alex: Okey dokey! That means I can buy more of that sexy Derek Jeter perfume, right?

Boras: Uh... yeah, whatever, I guess. Alex, I want you to lay down on the ground, I'm going to put a golf tee in your mouth and hit a ball off it like in... in... what movie was that in?

Alex: Legally Blonde?

Boras: No, you queen! The Mask! That guy was such a badass.

Alex: My wife doesn't let me watch PG-13 movies, Mr. Scott.

Boras: Ha, oh yeah, she told me about that mid-moan on Saturday.

Alex: Whatever, sir, I wish you'd stop talking about my wife's No-No Zone.

Boras: That's because you're a bitch, Alex. Now go to the John Heyman you're opting out!

How will Alex handle opting out? Find out soon!

An interview with Andy Reid

As you all know, Andy Reid's two sons, Britt and Garett have been sentenced to jail time for living in what one judge called, "a drug emporium." Recently Sports Illustrated caught up with the Eagles coach to hear his side of the story...



Sports Illustrated: Mr. Reid, the very house you and your family call home was recently reffered to as a "drug emporium".
How do you feel about this?

Andy Reid: [entering through a cloud of smoke] *cough* *cough* heeeyy man, I know you... you're that reporter man! hehe

SI: Yes that's correct, I'm there after every home game. So, do you feel that 23 months in prison is too harsh?

AR: jeez man, 23 months? bummer. good thing we have that bye week coming up...

SI: And do you feel responsible for your sons' actions? Bear in mind, they are 22 and 24 years old?

AR: hey whatever, it's like, they can still crash at my place, no big deal...I just hope those lazy asses clean up the dominoes boxes next time...hey man you got any of those cinna-stix? damn i got the munchies...

SI: With all this attention on your home life, do you feel prepared to take on the Redskins on Sunday?

AR: whoa man, the what-skins? listen dude, if saturday at Travis Henry's is gonna be as bitchin' as Randy Moss told me it's gonna be, I'm gonna have no idea what's happening on sunday...

SI: Clinton Portis is coming off a great week, with 196 yards against the Jets. How do you plan on stopping the run?

AR: no way Portis is gonna be there! that's one crazy dude. did he ever tell you that time we got so high we thought we could run through a brick wall? long story short - always wear a helmet when smokin' up, maybe knee-pads too

SI: Final question Mr. Reid...

AR: whoa whoa whoa, Mr. Reid is my father! you call me andy, or a-dawg if you want...

SI: Right, A-Dawg, anything final thoughts you want to leave the readers with?

AR: don't put twinkies on your pizza!

SI: Well then, this has been the most pointless interview. I hope you lose all your games and get fired.

AR: alright bro, you have a good one too. and hey you know what happened to that Ricky Williams? that guy had some good stuff...

A Day in the Life of Bill Belichick

2:00am: Dream about new ways to score "fuck you" touchdowns.

3:00am: Wake up. Drink a cocktail of moose piss and virgin's souls.

3:15am: Get daily exercise by kicking puppies.

4:00am: Spend hours cackling about how you made Joe Gibbs your bitch.

7:00am: Game film. Study how many times Manning blinks, on the average, before each snap.

10:30am: Call Indianapolis police, tell them Bob Sanders has massive amounts of narcotics in his house, watch hilarity ensue.

11:00am: Work on evil cackle.

12:00pm: Create a new homeless guy sweatshirt. Those bad boys don't cut themselves!

1:00pm: Artificially inseminate whoever Tom Brady is sleeping with in order to make him want the big bucks that much more.

2:00pm: Lunch of Fat Bastard's diarrhea and kittens.

3:00pm: Arrive at practice, attempt to steal the souls of anyone who looks directly into your eyes. This succeeds 10% of the time.

3:30pm: Squeeze Moss' balls hard so he knows that he's YOUR bitch now.

4:30pm: Send 27 pizzas to Mangina's house, only to be disappointed when he eats all of them.

6:00pm: Have your personal secretary go to Bill Walsh's grave and spit on it.

7:00pm: Call Junior Seau and tell him he's a "Mary" until he cries.

8:00pm: Go to Wes Welker's house, tell him if he doesn't pull in 10 catches this week he'll start saying he has "deceptive speed." You know, like they say about every white receiver.

9:17pm-10:39pm: Sleep with the wives of every member of the Colts (coaching staff included!).

11:00pm: Shit fully baked potatoes for one full hour.

11:30pm: Call Parcells and tell him that you are "the master" now, and that he's old and weak. Bonus points for using a Darth Vader voice.

12:00am: Sacrifice one of Brady's goats, lock self in coffin bed till morning.

They beat me to it...

Some clever son of a gun out there came up with a new nickname for the Red Sox rookie sensation. Since the young outfielder stole a base, and won America free tacos, he has been dubbed:


Tacoby Bellsbury



Seriously, how perfect is that? What other possible combination of first and last names has "aco" and "ell" already in it!? It's even in the right order! All year long I thought 'Jacoby' was a weird name, but now it all makes sense.

This is like the fat dude in *NSync being named Joey FatOne. I mean, that was pure magic, and now this is pretty close. Unless his name was like, Lee Pacos or Jimmy McFourthmeal, this could not be any better.

HEY EVERYBODY!!!

Nobody is talking about the Colts! Isn't it incredible how Nobody is talking about the Colts! I mean, they are an undefeated team in the NFL, how is it that Nobody is talking about the Colts!?



"Maybe like, they just can't see me through my clever disguise, maybe."

ESPN Featured Comment Time!!!

"If the Sox lose this game, this series gets very interesting. "

No waiiiii!

Where Are They Now?: Bill Romanowski

2003 - Retires, slaughters a cow with his bear hands to appease Zeus.

2004 - Smashes his face into the wall 'cause he's mad hardcore. You think that's a bad idea? Pussy.

2005 - Has diarrhea every day for the calendar year. When asked why this was happening by Pedro Gomez, Romo projectile-diarrhead on him.

2006 - Considers a comeback to the NFL, decides to punch a kitten in the face instead.

2007 - Going under the alias Ubaldo Jiminez, he's starting for the Colorado Rockies tonight.

Where Are They Now?: Ted Williams

He's dead, dumbass!

Analyzing the People that Do the World Series Pre Game Show

Eric Byrnes - Holy shit this guy is fucking crazy! He's up here shouting about his team's resiliency! He wants you to know that there AREN'T ANY EGOS ON THE DIAMONDBACKS!!!!!!!!111 Eric Byrnes stole his haircut from the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz. Eric Byrnes thinks that somehow game 2 of the WORLD SERIES after being down 1-0 is not a must win.

Attractive female anchor with strange clothes - She is just barely holding on to the sanity of this group. She doesn't even know if it's a must win or if it's not!!

Kevin Kennedy - The anti-Eric Byrnes, I don't like him because of his silly mustache.

Also: I hope Vince Vaughn got paid A LOT for that baseball commercial.

Where are they now:

Tsuyoshi Shinjo



Remember that dude? Yeah he was pretty cool. Here is what the former Met outfielder is up to these days:

August 21 - Re-Signed with Seibu Lions. Played Rightfield last season. Batted .273 with 15 stolen bases.

September 2 - Married High School sweetheart -- 1996 Miss Kyoto, Kim Kimu-Kim.

September 19 - Successfully creates Cold Fusion. Angers Doc Ock.

October 1 - Buys Monkey. Awesome.

October 3 - Finishes first novel, I Don't Care if your Name is Mario, You can't Ride on my Back

October 25 - Kills Kaz Matsui, wears his jersey and tries to play as him in World Series. Nobody notices.

Those Witty ESPN Commenters

J.D. Drew showed his worth tonight ... he is a major part of the reason why there is a Game 7

Wait a second... you're telling me that the guy who hit the game deciding grand slam might be a reason there's a game 7 tonight? Thank god for the featured comments.

Just Say No to Skull Fucking

Thank You, and God Bless America.

Chili Davis

asked for "A Chicken Sandwich, and some Waffle Fries...'Fo FREE!"

Guess who's Back, Back, Back? Back Again...

Vinny Testaverde!



Oh yeah bitches! Like David Spade's talk show, this guy comes back season after season, and no one knows why.

It was the Panthers this year, who signed the 1986 Heisman trophy winner to a 1-year contract. With Delhomme out on injury, and David Carr not showing up to practice, there is a legitimate chance this guy can see some action.

Now, this guy is turning 44 next month, not quite Julio Franco territory. And if that damn Morten Anderson is still hanging around, c'mon kickers don't count, he's not even the oldest in the NFL. But one more TD pass, and he can break his own record, 20 consecutive seasons, again.

Oh, and here's an awesome commercial summarizing his role on the Panters this year:






"What're you gonna do, bench me?" Ahh Vinny! You make me LOL!

I Love New York Season 2: Live Blog Episode One

In honor of the classiest show on television coming back for a second season, we're going to be live blogging tonight's debut episode. Cheers to hoping Miss New York and Momma York can find an acceptable man for the HBIC!

"Who's ready to fuck?"

9:00 - New York is talking to a psychiatrist. Jokes can't even be made for a situation like this. There's a hotel room with strange noises coming from it.

9:01 - New York reminisces about Tango and how he left her. Wrinkled therapist that looks like Madame Webb from Spiderman tells her to get on that horse, son!

9:02 - New intro! You KNOW you love New York!!!

9:03 - HOLY SHIT! ONE OF THE GUYS IS A MIDGET! All right I got that out of me. At least 20% percent of these guys got out on parole this morning. Ha she's laughing at the midget, I don't feel so terrible anymore.

9:04 - Scary cornrows man wants to "take a bite out of that ass." Good to see the female respect is there.

9:05 - Fan favorites! Is it just me, or are there mostly black guys here? HUNDREDS of THOUSANDS of votes!!

9:05 - Time to meet New York's fake mom! She also laughs at the little person.

9:06 - New York's mom brings out some men of her own, all of whom have recently visited Karako Men's Warehouse.

9:07 - 7 minutes in and the alcohol comes out! This broke Rock of Love's record of 9 minutes.

9:07 - You know, Miss New York's mom, this little person stuff has got to stuff. Not even Cartman goes this far.

And we've reached our first commercial break!

9:09 - We've got a Puff Daddy sighting. He just stole the I Love New York 2 theme song and used it in his commercial.

9:12 - First nickname! We've got the Entertainer and he's already safe for the night.

9:13 - Buddah? Well, he's just THAT dreamy.

9:14 - This midget stuff is getting OUT of control! Midget Mac! Even he loves his midget status.

9:15 - ManMan? Twice the man, can't spell it once.

9:15 - 20 pack is stealing my boy's name. Also, he is clearly the gay one.

9:16 - The new Mr. Boston. He looks like the kid from The New Guy.

9:17 - You know, when the monkey lady starts making monkey jokes... things have gone too far.

9:17 - Wolf's got no shoes! No shoes!

9:17 - Here come the Momma's Boys. Why on Earth do Harvard Law Grads and former NFL Players want to get with New York? 3/1 odds they're not exactly legit.

9:18 - Cross dresser sighting!

9:19 - Tailor Made is trying to fight his fading glory of a haircut, failing miserably.

9:20 - We've reached the mixer! Last year this is where Mr. Boston and chance almost threw down!

9:20 - I'm already loving wolf, he wants us all to know his member is nothing to sneeze at.

9:21 - The closest thing resembling a guido at the party is making Miss New York yawn, his blowout haircut is amusing me.

9:22 - We're wondering if Midget Mac has got magical powers. By the end of the night he could be bursting out of someone's pee hole like Lep in Space.

Second commercial and New York is showing signs of getting tipsy, which means things are about to get violent.


9:27 - Midget Mac has his name embroidered on his hat. I'm starting to think he'd make a better couple with Verne Troyer than with New York.

9:28 - The Tony Parker looking guy (ah, Entertainer) may or may not be a child molester. We have our first Sister Patterson reference; where's the nunnery at?

9:30 - IT talks kinda like the Juggerna-- mother fucker he's licking her. He's high like he used Billy Bong Thorton.

9:31 - FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT... ah, no fists thrown as of yet.

In the previews, Sister Patterson tries to come to terms with her crippling fear of midgets.

9:34 - Lisa Williams just won the Biggest Douche in the Universe competition.

9:35 - Hey, is it just me or do New York's mom and New York look a little too close in age...?

9:36 - New York's breasts have become comically big. I think she's going to start getting pulled over towards the ground.

9:37 - Tailor Made has a troubling faux hawk going on, the madness has got to be stopped.

9:38 - New York is implying her breasts are real, as sounds of fighting rise in the back round.

9:40 - New York's mom has come to term with her fear of midgets! Regardless of what else happens I feel like we're all winners now.

9:41 - How did I miss out on the guy named Ears?

9:42 - All I'm really concerned about anymore is whether or not Midget Mac is going to stay. That guy can fart in my dinner any night (Chappelle joke, I know).

9:43 - LOL dancing monkeys.

9:45 - Can we get an over/under on the number of times she's going to say "feel me?"

9:47 - Wolf's big dick gets a chain. I love his fedora, by the way. Motherfucker looks like Sinatra.

9:48 - The longer this goes on the more I like looking at blowout guy.

9:49 - Blowout guy just played a fool!

9:49 - Mr. Boston II makes it to the second week, score.

9:50 - IT gets picked, I'm a little concerned about someone, man or woman, getting raped.

9:50 - They gave the racist black guy from those WaMu commercials a Hybrid commercial with kids. I'm a bit concerned about his influence on the youth of America.

9:51 - Switching over to the Yankee game for a second... down 6-1. I like it alot.

9:52 - Another Puffy sighting. This time he's wearing Biggie's skin over his body.

9:54 - Someone needs to give bandwagon guy a beatdown of the most severe nature.

9:55 - Come on Midget Mac... YES! He's safe for another week! But Sister Patterson is not liking this and, yes... he's doing the Soulja Boy! Crank it, baby.

9:56 - Paul Pierce-looking guy is not happy, among others.

9:57 - I'm thinking Tailor Made would make a really good douchey voiceover guy. He needs a good shot to the crotch.

9:58 - Previews for next week... and oh, we're looking beautiful.

9:59 - Oh Sweet Mother of Mary! CHANCE IS COMING BACK!

We're in for a fantastic season, my friends.

Did you know...

Scott Shoeneweis had ball cancer?!?!

WTF? FTW? JKL;?

True Story. He's in the Testicular Cancer Hall of Fame

Oh, and all his shitty pitching this year, not his fault. It was the steroids. Yeah, that was Scott on steroids. He must have bought the cheap imitation stuff, like that cereal that comes in bags. Even Jose Canseco wouldn't claim Shoeneweis used the stuff. I guess he'll add this to his new book, Juiced 2: Extra Pulp.

How Did This Happen?

A longer look back at the Mets is to come but... how did it end up like THIS?

Maybe I Should Just Shutup

Turns out I'm an idiot! It all comes down to tomorrow! Let's go Mets!

TOMMY GLAVINE THIS IS WHY THEY BROUGHT YOU HERE SON!

Fuck

I was wrong.

A Call to Mets Fans

My friends, I understand this isn't exactly the way we were looking to end the season, and boy, is that an understatement.

However! Though the team is playing Double A quality baseball right now and Jose Reyes has had his hitting powers stolen by the Monstars (formerly the Nerdlucks), the Metropolitans are still in control of their own destiny.

It's easy to wear the jersey of a World Series winner, of even a Division winner. But a real fan, my fellows, wears his jersey now. I'm calling all Mets fans out there: Go to the games! Support them!

I'm not saying that you can't be negative, heavens knows they suck gigantic testes at the moment. But having taken that into account, let's try to get some spirit together and root the blue and orange on!

...And if they don't make it, we can bitch and moan on the Fan all day Monday.

Amerigo Vespucci

Pimp of the New World

We Have a Winner!

The bidding war is complete! The least sought-after priceless artifact has a new owner. It belongs to that dude, Marc Ecko.

"Did you say Marc Ecko?"

"The Marc Ecko?"

"Marc Ecko, Marc Ecko?"

A pun on the guy's name?

Yes, all of the above. The biggest pioneer in wigger clothing since they started selling flat-hats at Modells. Now, by his accomplishments so far in life, you may think he's a douchebag. You may like your cucumbers pickled. [what?] But, actually what he's gonna do with it is pretty cool. You see, he's letting the people decide what to do with the ball. There are three options.


Option #1: Give the ball to the Hall of Fame

Alright, well this is the logical option. Mr. Ecko and his shenanigans my be forgotten by morning, but 756 is kind of a big deal. So put it in a glass case in Cooperstown. Option 1.




Option #2: Give the ball to the Hall of Fame*

Much like Option 1, BUT, first he's gonna brand an asterisk on it. I like this one. A permanent brand would be a nice jab to the giant head of Barry Lamar. A very nice act of vandalism from the mastermind of 'Getting Up', the graffiti video game.
"This is the brand, and it's gonna suck."


Option #3: Shoot the ball into space.
Say again?
Option #3: Shoot the ball into space.
Okay so, if you vote for this option, he will put on a rocket ship and get it into orbit. lolz a moonshot! I don't know how to rationalize this, other than its just awesome. Marc Ecko is my homeboy.

So now, the choice is yours.... Vote756.

About Those Mets

Holy shit, this has got to be stopped!!!!!

After the Phillies series I told myself that they would go down to Washington and find some new life, that everything was going to be fine. After last night's disaster of a loss to the lowly Nationals (with supercool manager Manny Acta), I had a harder time talking myself in to tonight's game. With a 2.5 game lead over those silly Phils, I was not feeling so comfortable.

But I say, hey, Maine will be good, they should put up some runs, get back on track. WRONG!
After seeing Maine get skullfucked by Ronnie Belliard, I have lost complete faith in the Mets this season. Reyes can't stop popping everything up and Maine's ERA is above 6 in the second half. Willie's addicted to Mota who can barely lift his arm without the juice, and hey, who doesn't love some Scott Schoenweis?

I know it's been proved many times before, most recently by those horrendous 2006 Cardinals, that you don't need to be hot going into the playoffs to win it all. But at this point my boys in blue are looking like they might be joining Tommy Glavine on his jetskis sooner rather than later.

Fuck ESPN

I have not been a fan of ESPN since I entered my teenage years. I think it is a sensationalist, hypocritical network unable to deal with criticism. Instead of staying away from the World Wide Leader, I foolishly read the front page tonight. This is what pissed me off:

Jemele Hill's column defending OJ Simpson. Why is it that whenever ESPN hires a black journalist (Hill, Scoop Jackson, Stephen A. Smith), he or she is unable to ever say a black athlete has done anything wrong. She actually says that, despite his past, we are wrong to judge him quickly. It's OJ Simpson! He murdered people! I have a feeling if OJ was white she'd be singing a different tune.

Pompous Douchebag TMQ Gregg Easterbrook says that Bill Belichik will be fired by the end of the year. Really? The best coach in football coaching the best team in football with two dominating wins in the young season, the Patriots are going to fire him? And can we please get something straight here? Yes, it was foolish of them to use the camera on the field. But it's perfectly OK to point a camera at the defensive play callers from the upper reaches of the stadium with a zoom. So that means it is OK to tape it, just not on the field. So technically, they did something wrong, but morally there is absolutely no cheating involved.

Donovan McNabb claims black quarterbacks are criticized more than white ones. In referring to Carson Palmer and Peyton Manning, McNabb had this to say: "Let me start by saying I love those guys," McNabb tells HBO. "But they don't get criticized as much as we do. They don't." Hey Donovan: YOU PLAY IN PHILLY! Everyone gets criticized severely! Try coming to New York, they destroy Chad and Elisha, and guess what color they are? White! The reasons Manning and Palmer get criticized less might have to do with Manning just having won the Superbowl and Palmer being in a much easier media market. Shutup and win a Superbowl, already.

Writer Jerry Crasnick praises Lou Piniella for basically being a complete psycho to the people around him every time he gets irritated. How come this behavior didn't make him a winner in Tampa Bay? You mean to tell me that the reason the Cubs are in the playoff chase is because of Sweet Lou? I think it might have something to do with the acquisition of several big money players in the off season. But of course, when he's winning, anything the manager does is golden. How's that working out for hothead Ozzie Guillen these days?

Derek Anderson Sells His Soul

Yeah, Derek Anderson grunts while he gets his swell on at the gym, so what?

Derek Anderson: Satan, why didn't God make me a better quarterback?

Satan: Because he hates you and your whore mother!

DA: Oh... ok. So is the dealio sounding good to you?

Satan: Are we talking about the deal where Eli Manning massages my feet?

DA: No, dude, I'm talking about the one where I play really good for one game.

Satan: Right, right... so you give me your soul and I give you two touchdowns and 210 yards passing.

DA: Fuck no, Satan! My soul is worth way more than that!

Satan: Jesus Christ, how about... 20/33 for 260 yards and 3 touchdowns?

DA: I can see we're not getting anywhere here. In addition to my soul, I'll throw in five years of my wife's soul.

Satan: Way to fuckin' sweeten the deal! 20/33, 328 yards, 5 touchdowns it is. But there is one thing.

DA: What's that?

Satan: You're going to have to throw one interception, I'm not a miracle worker.

DA: Fine! Boy, hell is gonna be so great! I get to see JFK, and Jesus, and the guy who played Shooter McGavin in Happy Gilmore and--

Satan: Derek, you nimrod, that's heaven. Hell is the bad one.

DA: What? FUCK! I knew I should have done some research. Can we change that whole arrangement?

Satan: Too late, see you in hell buddy!

Tiger Woods Dickslaps the field in FedEx Cup Victory

Wow. By now I really think that if Tiger was hanging out at SeaWorld, he could kill Shamoo with a chip-shot in the blowhole.

There's not much this man can't do. Not only did he win by 8 strokes this weekend, but he won the first annual FedEx Cup by 12,000 points. In fact, he didn't even have to show up on Sunday to clinch the title.

And this is the dude who didn't bother going to the first event. As far as Eldrick is concerned, opening rounds are for pussies.

You know, I remember this one time, (oh I'm not done with the ridiculous claims), I saw Tiger hit a tee-shot so high, he caused a solar eclipse. True story. How about this: Did you know the Berlin Airlift was not dropped by planes, but Tiger Woods standing in Washington with a 3-Wood? In fact, it was Mr. Woods who sent the A-Bombs to Japan. With a 7-Iron no less.

So basically, you could say Tiger Woods, RAN TRAIN on the rest of the field.
And remember, my friends, there are a lot of people in the PGA Tour, so that is a lot of running.

NFL Picks: Week 2

Have you ever wanted to hear NFL picks from a college freshman who did no research to find out anything about the teams he's picking? Ha, me neither. .... But in case you change your mind, here's Week 2!

Being that my method of displaying teams last week was silly, I've changed it around a little. Home teams are in caps. And to make my life that much more difficult, I've decided to start picking against the spread, 'cause kiddie games are DOWN THE STREET.

Houston (+6.5) over CAROLINA
Carolina has been overrated every year since its Superbowl appearance and I'm going to go so far as to call last week's win a fluke. So, unless they start trash talking Steve Smith, I don't see the Texans losing by a touchdown.

JACKSONVILLE (-10) over Atlanta
Page 2 silly man has a man crush on Joey Harrington for whatever reason. I almost want to take the Falcons 'cause I mean, ten points? But on second thought, they have no quarterback, no receivers, and.. well that's really all you need to say. David Garrard will not be denied!

Indianapolis (-7) over TENNESSEE
The Colts dominated last week and even though they did give up +100 rush yards for the umpteenth time, I don't see Chris Brown (of all people!) having another dominating performance. Peyton should be able to have fun with Marvin and Reggie.

ST. LOUIS (-3) over San Francisco
Anyone who watched the clusterfuck that was the Monday night 49ers-Cardinals affair could not possibly pick the Niners against a decent team, Joe Nedney be damned.

NEW YORK GIANTS (Even) over Green Bay
Brett Favre is a shell of his former interception throwing machine; the interceptions he now throws are now much slower. If Eli starts (and i can't believe I'm putting faith in the lesser Manning) the Giants should win it even with a horrendous defense.

PITTSBURGH (-9.5) over Buffalo
I know they're going to be all pumped up and whatnot after Kevin Everett's injury... but they're just not good. Unless Lee Evans can throw the ball to himself, I don't see too much action coming out of the QB position. Big Ben and Santonio Holmes should be hooking up all afternoon.

New Orleans (-3.5) over TAMPA BAY
As atrocious as the Saints looked on both sides of the ball last week, the Bucs can't even get out of their own way. No way Brees is going TD-less two weeks in a row.

Minnesota (+3) over DETROIT
What with all the weapons offensively, most people would pick Detroit to pass up and down the field on a fairly weak Vikings pass D. But me? I really like Adrian Peterson, so, ya know, let's go Vikes.

Dallas (-3.5) over MIAMI
Even though they're on the road, I don't know how Dallas is only a four point favorite over the Dolphins and the Concussion King QB. Romo probably won't go for 5 tds this week, but should still run a LITTLE bit of train.

Seattle (-3) over ARIZONA
See description for San Francisco.

New York Jets (+10) over BALTIMORE
I don't care if The Chad doesn't play, there's no way the Ravens are ten points better than the Jets. I mean the Ravens might start Kyle effing Boller for Christ's sake.

CHICAGO (-12) over Kansas City
With Larry Johnson wearing Huggies again, the Chiefs has absolutely no offense. Not that the Bears do either, what with the whole Sexy Rexy thing. But the Bears defense, it is, good.

Oakland (+10) over DENVER
I don't know.

NEW ENGLAND (-3.5) over San Diego
After seeing the Pats destroy the Jets last week and with the extra motivation with the Belichik incident, I don't see the Chargers coming within 4. Randy Moss can not be stopped!

PHILADELPHIA (-6.5) Washington
As long as it's September, the Eagles are always good for a fireworks display.

ABSOLUTE GUARANTEED LOCK OF THE WEEK!
Cincinnati (-6.5) over CLEVELAND
Brady Quinn's vagina is moistening at the very thought of getting some in game action.

Last Week: 11-5
Season: 11-5
ABSOLUTE GUARANTEED LOCK (Last Week) - 1-0
ABSOLUTE GUARANTEED LOCK (Season) - 1-0

A Sample of Chad

::Phone rings::
Hello? Yeah, yeah... oh, I'm cleared to play Sunday? That's great, thanks doc! Well, I guess I'd better get over to practice, Coach Mangini likes his waffle fries served promptly at noon.

::Chad gets in his car, slams hand in the door:: Gosh darnit! It seems like I'm always getting hurt, but nothing is gonna stop me from playing Sunday, not even this broken finger. ::Little kid runs in front of car, Chad stops suddenly and knocks his teeth out on the steering wheel:: Nipple fuck! I just got those teeth replaced too... Forget it, Chadwick, there's no way you're sitting out this game with a couple of broken fingers and some missing teeth. You want those stupid fans to cheer when you don't show up? I didn't think so. Damn this traffic, I wanted to get there early and stick itching powder in Clemens' jock.

::Gets out of car, has foot run over by Mangini:: "Sorry, Chad! The dozen donut special ends at 12:30!!!"

It's ok, coach. ::Limps into trainer's office, where Joe Namath comes out of nowhere and rips Chad's throwing arm from it's socket. EXTREME!:: "Chad, I want to kiss you!"

Ah I guess I'm sitting out this week... who's up for orange mocha cappuccinos!?

Tony Romo says:

"Hey, I'm just saying, maybe we can try being a little nicer to those Michigan guys..."

You Think You Know, but You have no Idea. This is the Diary of:

THE DEAD!!!




HaHa! You heard it here first. The O.G. of the Undead is back! George A. Romero's Diary of the Dead is due out later this year.

Wow, I'd give both my legs, and like six fingers to be one of the Zombies in a Dead movie. We've been spoiled with awesome Zombie movies recently, with the Dawn remake, Land, and of course Shaun, so let's hope this one can still make us puke with some nice brain-munching action.

Are you Dave Davidson?

Pittsburgh Pirates new LHP says:

"I see the banana."

Week 1 NFL Picks

Have you ever wanted to hear NFL picks from a college freshman who did no research to find out anything about the teams he's picking? Ha, me neither. .... But in case you change your mind, here's Week 1!

New Orleans at Indianapolis
In what will probably be a high scoring affair, the Colts should have the upper hand because... they're better. Roger Goodell announced shortly before game time that any team scoring above 35 points will be suspended.
The pick? Indy

Denver at Buffalo
I can never pick a team with the immortal J.P. Losman throwing for them, even Darrent Williams could pick him off.
The pick? Denver

Miami at Washington
Marino shouldn't have a problem with... what's that? TRENT GREEN? I'll take my chances with Mr. Betts.
The pick? Washington

Pittsburgh at Cleveland
I see Willie Parker running train in this one and Benjamin only showing up half drunk, leading to an easy Steelers win.
The pick? Pittsburgh

Tennessee at Jacksonville
Little known story: After his release from the team, Byron Leftwich was carried out of the stadium by his offensive linemen.
The pick? Tennessee, barring a Madden curse.

Kansas City at Houston
Larry Johnson likely to sit out due to vaginal itching, Texans offensive line can't find stadium.
The pick? KC

Philadelphia at Green Bay
Brett Favre continues on his amazing journey to break the all time interceptions thrown record while Donovan McNabb's knee does a 360.
The pick? Philly

Carolina at St. Louis
Marc Bulger's new contract has made him lose the eye of the tiger!
The pick? St. Louis, anyway

Atlanta at Minnesota
In order to please the PETA people, Atlanta starts Air Bud: Golden Receiver as their number one, hilarity ensues. Unfortunately, a win does not!
The pick?! Minnesota

New England at THE JETSSS!!!!!!!!!
As Tom Brady's five wives and three children look on, Kerry Rhodes intercepts his way to victory.
The pick? J-E-T-S, JETS JETS JETS

Tampa Bay at Seattle
This is the year Matt Hasselback's baldness finally gets to him and sends him into a rage. RIP Mike Alstott.
The pick? Seattle!

Detroit at Oakland
Matt Millen's grand plan fails when he learns that Calvin Johnson is indeed unable to play quarterback. Game is interrupted briefly when Al Davis runs on to the field in his underwear.

New York Giants at Dallas
I'm not going to make the Romo fumbling joke, but I will say that former Giant running back Tiki Barber is a gynormous bag of douche. Oh, and the Giants suck.
The pick? HOW BOUT DEM COWBOYS

Baltimore at Cincinnati
With Carson Palmer back in full form, the decaying Ray Lewis and his flock of dancing fools have no chance.
The pick? Cincy

Arizona at San Francisco
As San Francisco has been dubbed this year's "Sleeper that everyone knows about," I must pick against them.
The pick? The Buzzsaw that is the Arizona Cardinals

ABSOLUTE GUARANTEED LOCK OF THE WEEK!!
Chicago at San Diego
You know that commercial where LT -excuse the expression- RUNS TRAIN on the Bears? It'll be kinda like that.
The pick? San Diego

Come back next week to see how poorly I picked, or not!

What Else, George!?

ESPN.com (a sports news website) reported today that George Mitchell wants to interview 45 more current and retired baseball players about steroids. You may remember Mitchell as that guy who talked to Jason Giambi about steroids and lead guitarist for popular Rock and Roll band The Rolling Stones. "We really want to sink our teeth into this issue; we are dedicated to ridding our fine sport of these drugs. For that reason, we're going much deeper than the usual "When did you do it and how much?" questions, we want to get to know the player better. For instance, did you know that before each start, Curt Schilling likes to rub hot sauce on his balls? We want to know how much Nyquil they can down and still stay standing, as well as when they have their next endoscopy scheduled," Mitchell said.
Mitchell states: "In order to give a thorough report, we're going to be talking to some guys on the outside of baseball who might have some insight, such as Jimi Hendrix, Charlemagne, the Persian from 300 that gets knocked down the endless pit of doom, Skull Kid from Legend of Zelda, Pee Wee Reese, William Howard Taft, Kurt Cobain's bloody corpse, the creator of Jones soda, Billy Maze the oxi clean dude, Gandalf the Grey (NOT the white), the goat from the aflac commercials, the therapist from the caveman commercials, Aeschylus, Jason (Jason X version), Frogger, and John the Baptist. My committee members and I believe that with this information we can finally stop General Zod from taking over the world."

Inside the Mets' Clubhouse Meeting

Willie: All right guys, that was a great series in Atlanta. I thought I might need to listen to those guys on the FAN and scream at the umpires like a jackass, but luckily you guys came through.

LoDuca: What's wrong with screaming at the umpire? Bafangool!

Willie: Who the fuck let LoDuca out of his cage? Heilman, get over here and lock Paulie back up.

Heilman: I want to start.

Willie: Shutup! You will pitch the 8th inning as you are told!

Schoenweis: Can I pitch the eighth inning, coach?

Willie: Scott, go get me a coffee. ::Turns to Pedro Martinez:: Pedro, you ready to pitch Monday?

Pedro: Yo queiro tener una fiesta!

Willie: Can someone tell me what the fuck he's saying please?

Heilman: He said you should let me me start!

Willie: That's it, Aaron, go rub David's feet.

David: Hey boss, you mind if me, Jose, and Luis leave early to work run train on some stank hos I found on the left field line?

Willie: Uh, sure David, just be here in time for the game tomorrow.

Delgado: Can I come, guys?

Wright: Yeah... the girls said they only bone with guys who on base over .150, sorry buddy.

Willie: Anyone seen Tommy?

Mike Piazza: Yeah, he's out riding his new jetskis with Maine.

Willie: Mike, why are you here? You left the team two years ago.

Piazza: OH GOD, PLEASE TAKE ME BACK, BILLY BEANE IS TRYING TO KILL ME.

Willie: Well it looks like Paulie just gave himself an aneurysm, so I guess we'll need you anyway.

Piazza: Solid. I'll get the Metalllica.

Rick Peterson: The bee is praised whilst the mosquito is swatted. Hard work comes in many different forms.

Willie: ...Thanks, Rick, that was helpful.

Billy Wagner: I wannna throw fastballs.

Willie: I know you want to throw fastballs, Billy, but everyone's been knocking the shit out of you lately.

Billy: I'll throw faster!

Willie: No, Bil- you know what, just forget it, I'm getting out of here before Oliver finds out where the meeting is.

Stu Loosawitz, ESPN Classic Programmer

*sob sob sob* Aww man, I wish I was still working with all those guys on SportsCenter. I invented the 28/58 update! Goddamn that Scot Van Pelt for telling the boss I didn't like 'Who's Now.' Nobody liked that shit! That bald prickface is just mad he never gets to co-anchor with that smoking Michelle Bonner.

Now I'm here at this stupid ESPN Classic. Who came up with this skidmark of a station anyway? "hey hey, um, people who want to watch sports on tv, wouldn't want to watch the live events on ESPN, ESPN2, ABC, CBS, FOX, SNY, YES, or the one with the hockey, no I bet they would rather watch some junk from thirty years ago!" Yeah, great idea there Mangenius.

But I'll get them back! Oh yes, sweet revenge. I'll make sure that so few people watch this station, they'll have to shut it down. Then it's back to the Bristol for Big Stu! Hmm, so if I'm gonna sabotage this station, it'll take some real junky programming. I'm talking terrible excuses for sports, that would only be watched by the participants themeselves. Let's see what I got cooked up for tonight! Mwahhahaha!

Site Update

In case you missed it, as of 5:50pm Tuesday August 21, 2007, there have been one thousand, three hundred, thirty-seven visitors to to wonderful My Dog Eats Flint, too





That's right, our site is 1337! (elite in html to all u n00bs)

zomg! w()()t w()()t!!!!!!!!!!1111eleven

Michael Vick Admits:

"ahh, motherfucker GOT me"

Holy Shit, I'm a Genius

Goddam, I am brilliant. I mean, seriously, who in the world is smart enough to bat a pitcher eighth and throw slugger Adam Kennedy in the nine hole? Me, that's who, motherfucker.

You can't even imagine what I've got planned for Ankiel. You know how he used to be a pitcher, right? Pitchers usually bat ninth. Now chew on this, buddy: I'll bat Ankiel ninth, 'cause he used to be a pitcher. You see what I'm sayin' here, Johnny? That'll really mess with their heads. Imagine their surprise when they see it's not a pitcher batting ninth, but at the same time, it is a pitcher batting ninth!

Now you're probably thinking to yourself, "Tony, that's really too bad what happened with Spiezio." Wrong again, fuckers! While everyone was dazed and amazed by Ankiel's heroics, I put an 8 month supply of crack cocaine in his locker. I don't really know why I did it, I just can't stand that goddamn red goatee of his.

While I was there I heard some noises coming from Albert's locker, and inside was none other than the scrapster David Eckstein! I started giggling so hard I forgot to release the little shit. World Series MVP my ass, try to hustle your way out of that one.

What's that? We're still out by a bunch in the NL Central? All I can say is, don't count on Carlos Zambrano showing up on time for his next start.

Take a Chance? MAKE IT HAPPEN!

The Rumors are in, and the spin-off maybe coming, maybe. After finishing in second place, behind Donatello, okay "Tango," Chance was not happy. He is actually quoted as saying: "That damn turtle beat us ALL...Shame on that turtle." It's true, he did. Well, now they say that Chance can be getting his, second chance!, haha I'm so clever, with his own reality show. If this goes through, and we get another gangsta version of the bachelor, I will again believe in Santa Claus.

Now, this show would obviously be a spin-off of "I Love New York." But wait! "I Love New York" was just a spin-off of "Flavor of Love?" Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's take some time and map this out. It all started with...

The Surreal Life. That's right I'm going waaay back here. VH1's first of it's Celeb-Reality genre. A bunch of old "celebs" stuck in a house together, whining and fighting and not hooking up enough. Nobody connected to Chance was in this edition, but just wait to the next seasons...


Surreal Life Season Two! No not here, try again...






Alright, Surreal Life 3, now we're getting somewhere. You see who's there, that's Flavor Flav! Oh yeah the original Hype Man from Public Enemy. He was so rad, one show could not contain him. His flirty connection with Brigitte Nielsen was not unnoticed, and the next show on our tour is...



Strange Love! Almost forgot about that one. Yea Flav thought he found his one and only in the 40 year old Dutch Dragon. Unfortunately, it was not meant to be. But, In VH1's never-ending quest to get former celebrities laid, Flav got a new show to find his love.




Flavor of Love was where true love would really be captured on television. Actually it was where a bunch of crazy ghetto bitches literally fought for camera time with Chuck D's Sidekick. One of these crazy girls was named Tiffany Pollard, AKA New York. We'll get back to her later. But first!



Flavor of Love 2. Didn't think we'd need this, but apparently cupid did not strike the first time around. So blah blah blah a bunch of crazy stuff happened...and New York came back! What? The nutjob from the first one? Yes! She had such star power, we needed to see more. So much more, just being a contestant was not enough. By now, we all know that...



I Love New York! Hey me too! So I Love New York debuted to the highest ratings ever for VH1, and more crazy stuff went down. It was basically the same show as Flavor of Love, (which is basically the same as the bachelor, see what I'm getting at), but with the sexes switched. The craziest guy, the 'New York' of "New York" if you would, was this fella named Chance.


And Chance was so cool, that maybe, just maybe VH1 will repeat the formula and give us more of what we crave. Hey, its worked with all these, and I didn't even mention Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School and Bret Michaels: Rock of Love. Alright I mentioned them just now.

So there you have it, the complete heritage line of Chance. Check back next time for updates, and the Where are they now? of New York's gay friend Chamo.

The REAL Sports Ticker

-ESPN seems enthusiastic about ESPN's Christmas basketball games.
-Man claims Bonds never did steroids; also doesn't believe in dinosaurs or OJ's guilt.
-Tom Brady announces his desire to form a great tandem with Randy Moss, Brett Favre can't wait to get reacquainted with opposing DBacks.
-Luis Castillo has 23 career home runs. Seriously. That's like Rey Ordonez territory.
-Dwayne Wade, Shaq run train on Miami cheerleading squad as part of an off season workout.
-Ray Lewis can't wait to get stab-, ehrm, tackling.
-New ESPN.com feature will cockpunch readers during every Barry Bonds at bat.
-Suzyn Waldman feeling rather sheepish about "that whole Clemens thing."
-LOL IT'Z LIKE CANONIZED.