You see what this is? This is my new fuckin' haircut.Yeah, you know you wanna click that badass link at the top of this post. You know why? 'Cause I'm the fuckin' man, and everyone should know it. You think I got to be this handsome by sitting on my ass drinking Milwaukee's Best Lite and eating Goldfish? Fuck no, man. These guns were sculpted by countless hours at the gym while simultaneously supermanning hos.
What's that? You can't stop looking at my headband? You want to know how much this cost, you fucking pauper? $200. Yeah, that's right, two hundred big badass American smackeroos. It's made out of ostrich scrotum. Little known fact: that stuff was outlawed in the late 19th century, but I managed to talk to some of my Australian homies and they had it specially made for me.
I bet you're wondering what the 5 on the end of my bat means. The number on my jersey?! That what you wish it was, you poor bastard. No, I'm afraid that was the number of women I had in my bed last night. I didn't even use a condom! There's going to be mini-Davids running around all over the place, running a train on all those who do not recognize my amazing abilities.
Can you even begin to understand the true meaning of my pussy getting powers? I won the Gold Glove at third base this year, and I came in second in the voting for Gold Glove at catcher. Now you may be saying, "David, you had 21 errors this year, how the hell did you win the Gold Glove?" ...'Cause I'm David Wright, dipshit! You think errors have anything to do with being a good fielder? It's all about who looks the very best out there in the field. And... come on, we all know who that is.
You think Derek Jeter's the only guy in this town who has his own cologne? I'm working on my own right now; it's called Essence of David. Basically, it's my piss. Yeah, it sounds a little weird at first, but I consistently piss excellence. Think of it like Michael's Secret Stuff from Space Jam, goddamn it do I love that movie.
Some other things you might not know about me:
>You know the last chapter of the seventh Harry Potter book? The whole thing is a metaphor for when me and J.K. Rowling did it.
>I wrote the Bill Belichick post.
>I created and destroyed the ManBearPig
Time to pop that collar....
What's that? You can't stop looking at my headband? You want to know how much this cost, you fucking pauper? $200. Yeah, that's right, two hundred big badass American smackeroos. It's made out of ostrich scrotum. Little known fact: that stuff was outlawed in the late 19th century, but I managed to talk to some of my Australian homies and they had it specially made for me.
I bet you're wondering what the 5 on the end of my bat means. The number on my jersey?! That what you wish it was, you poor bastard. No, I'm afraid that was the number of women I had in my bed last night. I didn't even use a condom! There's going to be mini-Davids running around all over the place, running a train on all those who do not recognize my amazing abilities.
Can you even begin to understand the true meaning of my pussy getting powers? I won the Gold Glove at third base this year, and I came in second in the voting for Gold Glove at catcher. Now you may be saying, "David, you had 21 errors this year, how the hell did you win the Gold Glove?" ...'Cause I'm David Wright, dipshit! You think errors have anything to do with being a good fielder? It's all about who looks the very best out there in the field. And... come on, we all know who that is.
You think Derek Jeter's the only guy in this town who has his own cologne? I'm working on my own right now; it's called Essence of David. Basically, it's my piss. Yeah, it sounds a little weird at first, but I consistently piss excellence. Think of it like Michael's Secret Stuff from Space Jam, goddamn it do I love that movie.
Some other things you might not know about me:
>You know the last chapter of the seventh Harry Potter book? The whole thing is a metaphor for when me and J.K. Rowling did it.
>I wrote the Bill Belichick post.
>I created and destroyed the ManBearPig
Time to pop that collar....
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