As our story opens, Alex recently got away from Boras' taunting and is calling George Steinbrenner to tell him he's opting out of his contract.Alex: Mr. Steinbrenner?
George: Is this Billy Martin?! I already told you you were fired, you lazy eyed fuck!
Alex: No, sir, this is Alex Rodriguez, or "Gay-Rod," as some of the fans have begun to affectionately call me. And I don't have a lazy eye; you might be referring to the slight limp I've acquired since being double teamed by my agent and Reggie Jackson.
George: Oh yeah, Scotty told me all about that. You still listening to that Ben Stefanie garbage?
Alex: Her name is Gwen Stefani, and you know that, Mr. Steinbrenner. It helps me relax after a long day of carrying your team.
George: That's enough of your yellow bellied bullshit. Do you have any idea how much I bought the Yankees for? And what they're worth now?! I could buy your soul, use it as a one time toilet like those vagrants do with stalled cars on the side of the road, and set it on fire.
Alex: I didn't want to have to do this, but you're forcing me to use my outside voice. I'm opting out of my contract, and you can't stop me! ...That felt amazing; I've never been so bold before, it's given me a tinkle in my dinkle-doo!
George: Dinkle-doo? Alex, let me tell you an amusing anecdote. When I was 14 I met a young man who referred to his dick as a dinkle-doo. I beat him over the head with Wonderboy and stole three of his fingernails. Now, do you want to rethink your previous statement?
Alex: Mr. Steinbrenner, I just can't handle this town. The other day I caught Jeter by his locker masturbating to a picture of himself . I heard Shelley Duncan talking about a foursome he had with four Vietnamese senior citizens. And, I mean, Christ, did you know that Torre sits in his office for hours after games staring at the wall and saying "Both teams played hard," over and over again?!
George: Alex, perhaps you're really not cut out for this town. This means that there's only one solution. A... final solution.
Alex: ...What are you saying, sir?
George: Alex, let's let facts be facts- you're the best goddamn player in baseball. If you go to play for those fairy Red Sox, they're a lock to win the series; if you play for the Mets, well, that's just an embarrassment. I'm going to have to kill you.
Alex: Put the gun away, you crazy old liver spotted fucker! I'm out of here!
Super George: ::George raises the revolver, fires three shots into the now closed door:: Ah, shit, I missed. I guess that bastard's gone forever. Who am I gonna get to play third base?
Alex: Whew, that was a close call. I guess it's time to hold teams hostage for all of their money!
Don't forget to come back for Part III, where Alex will negotiate a new contract while trying to stay away from Super George.
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