A Short Biography of Jesse Palmer

Jesse Archibald Palmer was born on July 4, 1812. He has no mother because he sprung out of his father Joe the Fatass' left thigh during a duel with Edward the Black Prince, who led the Honolulu Hamburgers to a 54-7 win over the Hamburg Doodybombs in the Battle of Hastings in 1066 AD. Palmer's father immediately threw Jesse in a perfect spiral into the head of Edward the Black Prince, and thus the game of football was invented.

Palmer spent his childhood hunting down the evil remnants of Julius Caesar's Shrine of the Silver monkey. Unfortunately, three pieces slipped his grasp and made their way to the set of a children's television show, Legends of the Hidden Temple. Upon finding the last of the Dead Sea scrolls, he accidentally released Bill Belichick's soul from the ninth circle of Hell, where Satan had been skinning him.

In the 1800's Palmer unsuccessfully ran for president of the United States 17 times for the Diarrhea Party. Calling for better toilet paper in yet to be invented public bathrooms, his cause was not fulfilled until Elizabeth Cady Stanton took up the cause in the late 19th century. After spending most of the early to mid 20th century searching for the Fountain of Youth, Palmer eventually found it by drinking the liquid coming out of Al Gore's asshole after Gore invented the internet.

After being drafted into the NBA under the alias Lenny Bias, Palmer died of a cocaine overdose before he ever played a game for the expansion franchise Boston Celtics. Local priest Larry Bird called it "a sad day for clergymen everywhere."

After successfully inventing caviar, Palmer entered the University of Florida as a freshman in the late 1990s in order to set a new record for number of co-eds knocked up in one semester. He soon tired of this and decided to join the football team. He took on Rex Grossman as his young Padowan and taught him how to become a Sex Cannon. After cloning himself to play as a shitty ass quarterback who couldn't beat out Kerry Collins, the real Palmer went to Iran and kicked Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in the balls for being such a fucking asshole.

Palmer is now a college football analyst for ESPNnews, where he makes minimum wage. "I'm not in it for the money; they let me have a shot at Erin Andrews after every show, so I can't complain." He lives in Stockholm, Sweden with his pet panda bear Mi-shu and his son, Larry David.