China Royale: China Royale, how may I help you?
Warren Sapp: Yooooo, is this Yao Ming? I ain't seen that dude since hiiigh skoo.
CR: Why the hell would Yao Ming be here? He's a basketball player for Christ's sake. We are a simple Chinese restaurant.
WS: Whatever, forget it. This is Warren Sapp, professional football player and leader of Fat Fucks Anonymous. I hope you're ready for a huge order, I just called up Joey Chestnut and Refrigerator Perry and we're going to have ourselves the biggest meal you ever did see.
CR: Chestnut... The Fridge... No, no, no, I'm sorry, we're not going to be able to help you, we do not have the capabilities of handling an order that large.
WS: Listen up, Ping-Pong, I've got a real man's appetite, and I wont' be having any of that sissy bullshit. I've got one sniper at the front of the store and one out back, and they'd love to make your acquaintance if you're not able to handle my order.
CR: You've got my attention. Please continue.
WS: First, we're going to need 4 gallons of Hot and Sour Soup for each guy in attendance. Don't put that shit in a big bowl or nothing, I want it pumped through my veins with an IV. This way, I can watch Bridge on the River Quai without having to lift my ladle to my mouth. Hey Shoo-Shoo, you ever heard of that Porky Pig character?
CR: Yes, I've seen his cartoons.
WS: He's a silly son of a bitch, ain't he? Always stammering on about all sorts of jibber-jabber; it gives me the giggles! Ahem, let's get back to business. I'm going to need 72 pieces of General Tso's Chicken, and I want you to wrap each piece in one of those little jewelry boxes you put rings in. I want it to feel like I'm opening some sort of fantastic present every time I pop one of those tasty morsels in my bear trap of a mouth.
CR: You got it. Would you like any noodles with that?
WS: How did you know that I loved noodles, Chairman Mao? Noodles are great, but in their un-evolved form they don't really do much for me. Now, I want you to build with the noodles a replica of the log cabin that Abraham Lincoln was born in, as described in his autobiography, "Stovepipe Hats and Me: Living the Straight Life as a Gay Man."
CR: Godammit, tell the sniper to get the red dot off my chest, I'm doing everything you ask.
WS: Aw, don't worry, that's just Ryan Leaf. I've never met a more level-headed fellow in my life. He's going to take real good care of you.
Ryan Leaf: Fuck my life!!!!!!!!!
WS: Don't worry Ryan, I'm gettin' you some mother fuckin' dumplings, the whole thang is gonna be delicious, baby.
RL: I'm confused! Which one is my end zone?!
WS: Mr. Chinaman, you better hurry up and get that out before he snaps.
CR: Shit, shit, shit. What else do you want?
WS: Gimme some o' that duck sauce, that good shit. But i want enough to bathe in it, so I'm going to need somewhere in the upper ten thousands of packets, you feel me?
CR: Fine. Anything else.
WS: Yeah, you know that figure skatin' chick, Michelle Kwan? Bring her over, too.
CR: Yeah, sure, Michelle Kwan, whatever you want, Fats.
WS: How much is that going to come to?
CR: Free, just leave me the hell alone. You don't call here no more!!!
WS: All right, then. Chop Chop, get the delivery bitch down here immediately. Warren needs a backrub with a side of happy ending. And don't forget Leaf's dumplings; things will be bad for you if you forget his dumplings.
Ryan Leaf: I think I just sharted.
No comments:
Post a Comment