Week 1 NFL Picks

Have you ever wanted to hear NFL picks from a college freshman who did no research to find out anything about the teams he's picking? Ha, me neither. .... But in case you change your mind, here's Week 1!

New Orleans at Indianapolis
In what will probably be a high scoring affair, the Colts should have the upper hand because... they're better. Roger Goodell announced shortly before game time that any team scoring above 35 points will be suspended.
The pick? Indy

Denver at Buffalo
I can never pick a team with the immortal J.P. Losman throwing for them, even Darrent Williams could pick him off.
The pick? Denver

Miami at Washington
Marino shouldn't have a problem with... what's that? TRENT GREEN? I'll take my chances with Mr. Betts.
The pick? Washington

Pittsburgh at Cleveland
I see Willie Parker running train in this one and Benjamin only showing up half drunk, leading to an easy Steelers win.
The pick? Pittsburgh

Tennessee at Jacksonville
Little known story: After his release from the team, Byron Leftwich was carried out of the stadium by his offensive linemen.
The pick? Tennessee, barring a Madden curse.

Kansas City at Houston
Larry Johnson likely to sit out due to vaginal itching, Texans offensive line can't find stadium.
The pick? KC

Philadelphia at Green Bay
Brett Favre continues on his amazing journey to break the all time interceptions thrown record while Donovan McNabb's knee does a 360.
The pick? Philly

Carolina at St. Louis
Marc Bulger's new contract has made him lose the eye of the tiger!
The pick? St. Louis, anyway

Atlanta at Minnesota
In order to please the PETA people, Atlanta starts Air Bud: Golden Receiver as their number one, hilarity ensues. Unfortunately, a win does not!
The pick?! Minnesota

New England at THE JETSSS!!!!!!!!!
As Tom Brady's five wives and three children look on, Kerry Rhodes intercepts his way to victory.
The pick? J-E-T-S, JETS JETS JETS

Tampa Bay at Seattle
This is the year Matt Hasselback's baldness finally gets to him and sends him into a rage. RIP Mike Alstott.
The pick? Seattle!

Detroit at Oakland
Matt Millen's grand plan fails when he learns that Calvin Johnson is indeed unable to play quarterback. Game is interrupted briefly when Al Davis runs on to the field in his underwear.

New York Giants at Dallas
I'm not going to make the Romo fumbling joke, but I will say that former Giant running back Tiki Barber is a gynormous bag of douche. Oh, and the Giants suck.
The pick? HOW BOUT DEM COWBOYS

Baltimore at Cincinnati
With Carson Palmer back in full form, the decaying Ray Lewis and his flock of dancing fools have no chance.
The pick? Cincy

Arizona at San Francisco
As San Francisco has been dubbed this year's "Sleeper that everyone knows about," I must pick against them.
The pick? The Buzzsaw that is the Arizona Cardinals

ABSOLUTE GUARANTEED LOCK OF THE WEEK!!
Chicago at San Diego
You know that commercial where LT -excuse the expression- RUNS TRAIN on the Bears? It'll be kinda like that.
The pick? San Diego

Come back next week to see how poorly I picked, or not!