Announcing the 2018 World Series of Poker

Lon McEachern: Welcome back to our coverage of the 42nd running of the World Series of Poker!

Norman Chad: Here we are Lon, and some may say that interest has gone down since the "Poker Boom" of the early 2000s, but I say... well nobody listens to me anyway.

Lon: Ha, oh Norman.  Well as we move back into our feature table, we see that Jamie Gold is once again our chip leader!

Norm: Man that guy is a douchebag.

Lon: Right you are Norm, we can only hope that needle dick can blow his lead.

Norm: With only 40 people left in the tournament, Jamie now has almost 50% of the chips in play!

Lon: Well you must remember, only 45 people actually entered this thing.

Norm: 45? I've had more ex-wives!

Lon: I know, Norm.  You have some serious commitment issues that need professional help.

Norm: Did I mention Phil Hellmuth is currently in 5th place!  Although all the other professionals have retired from the WSOP after Doyle Brunson died and called the tournament "Super Gay" in his will, Phil has decided to keep playing in order to win more bracelets.  

Lon: That and he stole all of Todd's inheritance.

Norm: Sure do love Phil Hellmuth, Lon!

- Commercial Break -

Miller Lite Commercials now have even larger beer cans that crush entire countries when they make "non-manly" moves.  Here, Austria is crushed for it's involvement in The Sound of Music.

Lon: And we're back!  We skipped ahead, being as that we only get a half hour of air time on ESPN2 now, and are down to our final two!

Norman: Finally the moment we've all been waiting for.  The only big names in the tournament, Hellmuth and Gold, have both been eliminated, and it looks like the bracelet will either go to some quiet old guy, or some annoying asshole just out of college.  

Lon: This sucks, now we're gonna have one of these dickheads on the PokerStars commercials for the next year.

Norman: You know my ex-wife took away my PokerStars account.  She took everything in the divorce, including my manhood...

Lon: Norman no one cares about your fuckin' problems!  No one cares about this fuckin' tournament!  What the fuck!  The Pot is $43,000!  I took a shit and sold it for more than that! Fuck this, I'm going back to announcing the Scrabble world championhsips.

Norman: ... and it's a three!  Looks like Johnny McFucknut is the winner!  I hate my life!

Stu Loosawitz, ESPN Classic Programmer

*sob sob sob* Aww man, I wish I was still working with all those guys on SportsCenter. I invented the 28/58 update! Goddamn that Scot Van Pelt for telling the boss I didn't like 'Who's Now.' Nobody liked that shit! That bald prickface is just mad he never gets to co-anchor with that smoking Michelle Bonner.

Now I'm here at this stupid ESPN Classic. Who came up with this skidmark of a station anyway? "hey hey, um, people who want to watch sports on tv, wouldn't want to watch the live events on ESPN, ESPN2, ABC, CBS, FOX, SNY, YES, or the one with the hockey, no I bet they would rather watch some junk from thirty years ago!" Yeah, great idea there Mangenius.

But I'll get them back! Oh yes, sweet revenge. I'll make sure that so few people watch this station, they'll have to shut it down. Then it's back to the Bristol for Big Stu! Hmm, so if I'm gonna sabotage this station, it'll take some real junky programming. I'm talking terrible excuses for sports, that would only be watched by the participants themeselves. Let's see what I got cooked up for tonight! Mwahhahaha!

Tommy Vu's Three Little Words

"Pork Fried Rice"

WSOP Player Profile: Phil Hellmuth

In honor of the 2007 World Series of Poker debuting on ESPN last night, we'd like to take some time over the course of the next few months to see who's a pro and who can't even SPELL poker.

Today's player? Phil Hellmuth, the Poker Brat.




Strengths: -Incredible ability to read other players.
-Berating fellow "players" until they cry or fold.

Weaknesses: -Being a crybaby bitch.
-9 bracelets compensate for microscopic penis

Special Abilities: He can dodge BULLETS, baby!

Super Effective Against: Rock, Steel, newbie players.

No Effect On: Ghost, Normal, Annie Duke

Quotables: "I guess if there weren't any luck involved I'd win every hand."
"You see that honey!? I was supposed to go broke on that hand! But they forgot, I can dodge BULLETS, baby."
"I can't believe this is the World Series of Poker... some of the worst players in the world here. These guys can't even spell poker.

Note: He sort of looks like my Uncle Edddddddddd.

In All Seriousness, Reasons You Suck at Poker AND Are a Poker Douche

-You show your cards after every hand, regardless of whether you won, lost, or even called the Big Blind.
*Your rationale for this is probably something along the lines of "Now they'll never be able to tell when I'm bluffing!" I assure you, they will know.
-You didn't spot the sucker within the first half hour at the table. In the words of the great Amarillo Slim, this means the sucker is you.
-You look at your cards the second you get them. Slow down there, Johnny Anxious, why not have a look around the table and see what else is going on?
-When the blinds are $20/$40, you try to raise $10.
*Bonus points if you don't know what a Blind is.
-You line up your chips in their stacks so that all the little markings match perfectly.
-You try to do the "Take two stacks of chips and put them together into one" and fail miserably.
-You bet $2 on a side pot instead of checking it down.
-You insist on seeing the entire community even when you fold before the flop.
*Bonus points if, when the river card comes out, you go "Ahhhhhh of course" like some kind of lame sage.
-Your favorite professional player is Chris Moneymaker or Jamie Gold.
-You take cell phone calls at the table and insist to whomever you're speaking with that you're "just taking all these suckers' money."

Jamie Gold is proud that I wrote the whole
column in the second person.