In All Seriousness, Reasons You Suck at Poker AND Are a Poker Douche

-You show your cards after every hand, regardless of whether you won, lost, or even called the Big Blind.
*Your rationale for this is probably something along the lines of "Now they'll never be able to tell when I'm bluffing!" I assure you, they will know.
-You didn't spot the sucker within the first half hour at the table. In the words of the great Amarillo Slim, this means the sucker is you.
-You look at your cards the second you get them. Slow down there, Johnny Anxious, why not have a look around the table and see what else is going on?
-When the blinds are $20/$40, you try to raise $10.
*Bonus points if you don't know what a Blind is.
-You line up your chips in their stacks so that all the little markings match perfectly.
-You try to do the "Take two stacks of chips and put them together into one" and fail miserably.
-You bet $2 on a side pot instead of checking it down.
-You insist on seeing the entire community even when you fold before the flop.
*Bonus points if, when the river card comes out, you go "Ahhhhhh of course" like some kind of lame sage.
-Your favorite professional player is Chris Moneymaker or Jamie Gold.
-You take cell phone calls at the table and insist to whomever you're speaking with that you're "just taking all these suckers' money."

Jamie Gold is proud that I wrote the whole
column in the second person.