Germans Laugh at Tom Brady's Injury

"Das Boot! Das Boot!"

Helmut: Ooh I'm soo sad dat poor little Tom Brady has a boo-boo on his footie!

Hans: Ya, ya, what a wimpy girly man he is!

Wolfgang: I mean seriously, it's all Moss and Welker dat make him look good you know...

Landfill: Hey, why don't you lay off our American Hero!

Hans: Ooh ya look who is here to back him up!  A bunch of Fratboy Americans!

Helmut: Ya, stupid College Students!  Look how wasted they are!

Jan: Oh yeah, actually... We're not that drunk!

Fink: Yeah, I got class tomorrow!

Helmut: Ya whatever!  So with your wonderful Tom Brady out, our man Eli will totally knock you out!

Todd: Since when is Eli German?

Jan: I don't know, what does it matter, they're both a bunch of bitches who couldn't finish a wine-cooler!

Landfill: Hey Germany, at least the American can get himself a hot-ass girlfriend!

Hans: What? Giselle Bundchen?  You see that last name fatass? She is part German!  

Wolfgang: Ya asshole, and besides, Jessica Simpson is totally hotter!

Fink: Hey fuck you, you nazi shithead!  Her and Romo broke up!

Todd: Yeah, and Abby McGrew?  More of a man than Eli!

Helmut: You take that back, you swine!

A huge brawl ensues, fists and beer are flying everywhere.  At the end of it, the Americans, with the spirit of Tom Brady guiding them, are victorious.  The Germans have nothing left other than to quote their beloved Manning...

Hans: Aww, shucks.

Genie Visits New England

Genie, in his infinite wisdom, grants each player one wish...

Tom Brady - "I wish Giselle and Bridget would agree to that threesome I keep asking for"

Wes Welker - "I wish I was black...but only for the better touchdown dances"

Teddy Bruschi - "I wish the voices in my head would stop yelling so I could finish my Yoga"

Randy Moss - "I wish Ricky Williams comes back. Bitch knows he owes me 50 bucks"

Junior Seau - "I wish I wasn't like 48 years old"

Asante Samuel - "I wish McDonalds would bring back the McRib"

Rodney Harrison - "I wish HGH came in better flavors"

Laurence Maroney - "I wish I'd get a goddamn touchdown! What the fuck is it, week 11 already!?"

Donte Stallworth - "I wish I'd get a pass once in a while. Tom, I'm Open! Fuck Moss and Welker"

Mike Vrabel - "I wish Belichick would let me play Styx in the locker room"


Bill Belichick - "What the fuck are you doing here Genie!? I said you can't play! Get your smoky blue ass back in that Fucking Lamp!"

Questions Only between Chad Pennington and Eric Mangini

Chad: Hey Coach, can I start on Sunday?

Mangini: Can you throw the ball more than 20 yards?

Chad: Why would I need to throw the ball more than 20 yards?

Mangini: Chad, do you realize how many people are in the Facebook Group Kellen Clemens must replace Chad Pennington NOW!?

Chad: What's a Facebook?

Mangini: Forget it benchwarmer, do you think you can go a game without getting sacked?

Chad: Can't you just blame the Offensive Line for that?

Mangini: Can't you just suck my dick?

Chad: If I do will you let me start?

Mangini: Holy shit you're serious, do you realize you have less than half the yards of Brett Favre?

Chad: That guy still plays?

Mangini: Well somehow you have less interceptions than Peyton Maning, did you know that?

Chad: I promise I can catch up! Can you just give me another chance?

Mangini: Maybe, can you hit Coles on a deep post?

Chad: Can I use the NERF Vortex Howler?

Mangini: So you can throw perfect spirals every time like John Elway!?

Chad: Yeah Coach! Wouldn't that be fun?

Mangini: No Cocksmoker, that would be a waste of my goddamn time. Don't you got some season-ending injury to suffer?

Chad: Nope I got lucky this year! So this means I'm in?

Mangini: Do I look like a bitch?

Chad: What?

Mangini: Do...I...look...like...a...bitch?

Chad: What?

Mangini: What country you from?

Chad: What?

Mangini: Do they speak English in What?

Chad: What?

Mangini: English Motherfucker do you speak it?

Chad: Coach that Sam Jackson impression is getting good, have you been practicing?

Mangini: Can you tell?

Chad: It sounds good, but before you go into Ezekiel 25:17, can you tell me if I'm starting?

Mangini: Will you stop asking me?

Chad: Yes, please I'll do anything just let me start!

Mangini: Uh-oh, that wasn't a question...

Chad: Oh Shit! I mean, uh, well, I was asking...

Mangini: Too late bitch-ass, you lose. Enjoy the bench. Clemens get over here! You're in shitface, don't fuck this up!

Chad: Tittyfuck

Jason Witten's Helmet-less Thoughts:

Before the Snap:


"Did you hear that guys! We're doing 36 Dog-Fly! That's a pass to me! Yippee! Oh boy, I'm gonna wave to Mom! Hi M- oh shit he said hike..."

The Catch:


"Ooohh here it comes.....GOT IT! Woohoo! Oh man maybe I'll score a touchdown, that would be sweeeet. Just gonna turn around and....FUCK WHO ARE THESE GUYS!?!"

The Hit:


"Ouchie Ouchie Ouchie! Goddammit that hurt! My God why do I play this game? Well next pla- wait, I'm still fucking standing! How the fuck am I not dead? Well I guess I'll just keep on running..."

No Helmet? No Problem!

"Wait, something's different...Oh my God I can see everything! Praise JESUS! You know this feels pretty good, I should run around with no helmet more often. But wait...isn't there a reason we wear those things? I mean besides being a great place to keep a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich....Oh yeah in case I get hit like I did before! Well I better run really fucking fast then. Maybe Terrell will have a really funny touchdown dance for Mr. NakedFace. Ha, I made that nickname up right now! I'm so clev-"

The Hit Numero Dos:

"Ahh, Motherfucker got me! Well it was a good run, maybe I'll make Sportscenter's Top 10. Oh I hope that Suzy Kolber announces it, that bitch is in my Top 10, Hey-O! Well I guess all that's left to do now is have some nerdy dude stick his finger in my nose while this creepy teammate watches..."

WTF?

HEY EVERYBODY!!!

Nobody is talking about the Colts! Isn't it incredible how Nobody is talking about the Colts! I mean, they are an undefeated team in the NFL, how is it that Nobody is talking about the Colts!?



"Maybe like, they just can't see me through my clever disguise, maybe."