Barry's Mind is Blown

Barry Bonds is seen sitting in a large chair, his figured silhouetted by the slowly burning fire. Barry's lawyer, Michael Rains, has entered the room to discuss the perjury charges against Barry.

Rains: Ehm... Barry?

Bonds: Ah, my dear Michaelangelo, how does the day find you? As I sit here in this expansive room with only my mind to occupy me, I wonder which of Socrates' famous six questions most applies to my life right now.

Rains: Oh, that's fan-fucking-tastic, Barry, but you've got some perjury charges against you that we need to address.

Bonds: I think "What is justice?" is most fitting, don't you? Like Socrates states in The Republic, just--

Rains: Barry, shut the fuck up, we need to focus on the matter at hand. You could be looking at some serious jail time.

Bonds: No, you listen to me you shitfaced bitch. Nobody talks to Barry Lamar like that. Besides, I'm not concerned about any "serious jail time." I've figured out a way to fool the bastards. Jedi mind tricks.

Rains: Barry this isn't the time for you to be playing your stupid games. Remember the time you were convinced the Smurfs were plotting global domination?

Bonds: This is different. Watch. Waves hand in front of Rains' face. You will not charge me for your services.
Rains: ...Yeah, Barry, that's not going to trick anyone except that guy who goes to each Star Wars movie dressed up like Jar Jar Binks.

Bonds: We'll see.

Scene changes to a courtroom, where Barry is being questioned about perjury charges.



I don't really know who questions people in court so we're going to pretend it's Nets head coach Lawrenece Frank: Mr. Canseco, you may have noticed that my team sucks major pelican cock this year. I mean, outside of the Big Two (you suck, Vince) we've really got nothing going for us. Also, did you do steroids and then lie about it?


Bonds: Yes. FUCK. I mean... You don't need to know that.

Lawrence Frank: Mr. Mc-Gwire-Sosa, I'm afraid you have indeed perjured yourself, this means--

David Stern in a black robe: You're fuckin' suspended for a year, asshole! I control the world!

Lawrence Frank: Someone get that power hungry asshole out of here, please?

Barry wields a plastic lightsaber and is restrained while trying to pull an Antoio Davis on David Stern.

Bonds: You haven't seen the last of me, fuckers!!!