I know very little about golf. That being said, I've wanted to do something on Rick Reilly for a while and he just happened to write a golf column this week. There was recently an article he wrote about a limbless man who participated in triathlons, but even I am not enough of a dick to mock quadruple amputees. Rick has 14.5 reasons why the U.S. will win the Ryder Cup.
Prediction columns are like Velveeta recipes—too easy and too cheesy.
I think Ricky’s target audience is probably males 18-45, the same as his hated ESPN counterpart, Bill Simmons. While it’s well documented that Simmons overdoes it on the Rocky and Vegas references (tell us one more time about that cold streak at the ten dollar table in ’04, Bill!) at least he’s generally funny and I know what he’s talking about. I honestly have no idea what Velveeta is. This could be me being an idiot and not Rick making a weird connection, so let’s ask Wikipedia… Ah, awesome. It’s cottage cheese. Notable characteristics include its “soft, creamy” texture.
But what's going to happen in Louisville at the Ryder Cup starting Friday will go down as the greatest shocker since
Giants-Patriots 2008? Yankees blowing the 2004 ALCS?
Lyle Lovett married Julia Roberts,
Of course, I nearly fell out of my chair when he mentioned it out of sheer shock. Reilly knows how to appeal to the emotions of the common man.
so here goes
The Americans, playing without Tiger Woods, hopelessly outmanned, with their worst on-paper team since Europe was added to the mix, will pull the Cupset [Ed. Note: LOL] of the Century. They'll need 14½ points to win, which is weird, because that's exactly how many reasons there are that they will.
It really is bizarre that Reilly has the same amount of reasons that there are points needed to win. It’s almost like it was premeditated.
1. For the first time in 12 years, Tiger's out. This will work for the Yanks! Tiger doesn't like this thing. Can you blame him? Does the executioner play on the prison softball team? No. So that Tiger buzzkill is gone.
Finally, the buzzkill of having the greatest golfer ever, playing in his prime, is gone. Thank God. What I’m wondering is to what degree the Americans are going to care about it.
American players are free to care about it, hard.
Well that’s settled, then.
Plus, without Tiger, they're The Little Team That Could. Best of all, the Euros, who usually go bat-guano-crazy whenever they beat Tiger, have no Goliath to slay. Buzzkill back at you.
No, they’re not. They just suck more. That might also be the first bat guano reference anyone’s used in an attempt to be funny since Ace Ventura When Nature Calls. We are off and running!
2. Europe captain Nick Faldo screwed the pooch by not picking Colin Montgomerie. It doesn't matter how bad Monty's playing, when he comes to the Ryder Cup, he becomes Jack Nicklaus on beta blockers. He makes everything. This is a mistake the size of New Coke.
A Google search of Colin Montgomerie reveals this very creepy photo:
Those of you playing at home can cross “New Coke reference” off your Rick Reilly scorecard.
3. There is a man on the Euro team named Oliver Wilson. It was unclear at press time whether Wilson was a member of Parliament or the team haberdasher. It may have been a misprint. He is the first Euro to make the team without ever winning a pro tournament. Perhaps he is Faldo's butler.
Reilly may be a goofy bastard, but the man is supposedly a good golf analyst and the most he can do is make a joke about a weak joke about Wilson’s name? Also, upon finishing the column, Reilly went to his local haberdashery (Haberdashing by Hank, Inc.) to get some clothes haberdashed.
4. Word is USA captain Paul Azinger is setting up Valhalla like a $19 muni, so the Euros' fancy punches and miracle gunch shots won't help. It'll be: bomb the driver, float the wedge, bury the putt. Hell, J.B. Holmes may even skip the wedge part. This USA team is longer than Tolstoy.
We have our first section of legitimate golf analysis. Also, a War and Peace reference is always a nice touch in a golf column.
5. Euros like hard courses and nasty weather. Louisville forecast: sunny, 80 degrees, fairways as open as new 7-Elevens.
Describing the openness of a fairway is not part of a weather forecast, Meteorologist Rick. And I’m a little confused on the 7-Eleven comment. Are newly made 7-Elevens open later than their crusty old relatives? At what point does a 7-Eleven reach the age where it has to start to close, in order to, I assume, store energy? Rick is fucking with my head.
6. Faldo, a great announcer, was icy as a player and he'll be icy as a coach. He usually eats dinner in his room, where—no joke—he'll practice his drops. No Euro will fall on a grenade to win for him. I'm not sure they'd fall on a pillow mint.
Again, are we really going to accept the argument most recently made by Mets fans over Carlos Delgado’s performance that having an unpopular coach will cause a player to intentionally play shitty, hurting his career and making him lose potentially millions? And the mint reference? I think we’re a little over the limit on food metaphors, Rick.
Bonus Half Point Reason: More about Faldo the Fridge. He's such a loner he only has one assistant coach. Zinger has three. So when those morning matches end and Faldo's got 20 mad minutes to figure out who's hot, who's not, who wants to play again right away, who needs a blow and who needs a new partner, he'll need information. He'll need a pair of smart eyes on all four matches. Can't do it with only two sets.
Information, dammit! It’s hyphenated to stress its incredible importance! And there’s no way he could possibly keep up with the matches with some sort of video technology? Tricky stuff, I know, but at least Rick doesn’t think we’re stupid for not –
Duh.
Oh. Nevermind.
7. Every Ryder Cup mints a new star. This time it will be Anthony Kim, a bad ass and a huge talent who's too young to know how big this is. He's about to get very rich.
Badass is one word, motherfucker.
8. There's a grittiness to this team I haven't seen since the Corey Pavin teams in the early '90s. Holmes is tougher than a Costco steak.
Hey now! More food!
He went iris-to-iris-
Which is even closer than eye to eye.
-with Tiger for most of the Accenture Match Play. Justin Leonard is the Hero of Brookline —the last American win, back in 1999—and still has glorious bloodstains on him. Steve Stricker won the Accenture, which is about as close to a Ryder Cup Starter Kit as you can get. Jim Furyk and Stewart Cink have steel sacks. And Boo Weekley once said, "It isn't that I don't give a s***, I just don't give a s*** about golf." You think he'll be scared?
People who curse aren’t afraid of anything.
9. Zinger has a new strategy. He doesn't give a deceased rodent how comfy the team-room couches are. Last time out, Tom Lehman gave the players the best experience ever and still got fricasseed. "I don't want them happy and comfortable," Zinger says. "I want them nervous and a little tense from the start. Because otherwise, when you get to that first tee Friday morning, you're gonna be shocked at the pressure." Smart.
To all those people who say golf isn’t a real sport: Isn’t couch comfiness a major factor in every sport? I can remember those great seventies Steeler teams being inspired on defense because they were so energized due to the couch comfiness in the locker room.
10. Silence is intimidating. Well, Chad Campbell is quieter than a one-man funeral. Ben Curtis doesn't say 10 words in a round. Furyk and Cink can make you think your hearing has gone. You need to lean in to hear Stricker. This squad would make excellent mimes. …
Nothing more exciting than watching a team so boring that its players don’t even talk to themselves.
11. … Except for Weekley. Finally, America has somebody who can say how a lot of people feel about Europe and lettuce sandwiches and $9 cups of Starbucks. The Alligator Hunter once came to the British Open and, when asked about the food, declared he didn't like it one bit. Why? "Ain't got no sweet tea and ain't got no fried chicken." Team spokesman!
Yeah! We’ve finally got a guy who makes rash and probably ignorant generalizations about an entire country’s culture! Also: Crocodile Hunter is the preferred nomenclature, dude.
12. The USA has six rookies who don't know the Euros usually whip the Americans like Rachael Ray whips eggs. They don't know about losing five of the last six, two of 'em Little Bighorns. Ignorance is bliss.
When has going into a tournament of huge importance with tons of rookies? I understand the whole idea of fresh blood, young guys who are “gamers,” and so on, but that hardly seems a good reason why the U.S. is assured victory.
13. Faldo violated the time-honored Too Many Swedes theory. Swedes are the sweetest people on earth. Wouldn't hurt a kipper. No Swede has ever won a major. Faldo's got two on his team.
I think Too Many Swedes would make a great name for a porno.
14. Azinger has always had Faldo's number. In four matches over three Ryder Cups, Faldo never got better than a tie against him. He won't even get that this time.
A bold prediction, but serious analysis to end it. I get the feeling Rick genuinely knows a lot about golf but enjoys being a preening jackass a lot more than he cares about being a legitimate writer. Rick, could you please send us off with some disturbing imagery of you using your tongue in a manner it’s not meant to be used?
That's my prediction. If I'm wrong, I'll tongue bathe Windsor Castle
Thanks.
