Bobby Bonilla Says:

"Eat my butt."

WSOP Player Profile: Greg Raymer

In honor of the 2007 World Series of Poker debuting on ESPN last night, we'd like to take some time over the course of the next few months to see who's a pro and who can't even spell poker.


Today's player? Greg Raymer, the Fossil Man.

"I see your nipples."

Strengths: -Absolutely unflappable. Does not let douchebags like Mike Matusow bother him when they (Matusow) say he has small balls.
-Able to live off of his fat for estimated 2.3 years.
-World Champion

Weaknesses:
-Three chins
-Glasses are not actually x-ray
-Jelly donuts

Super Effective Against:
-Mike Matusow
-Fossil Pokemon
-French people

No Effect On:
-Treadmills

-Daniel Negreanu's balding head.

Quotables:
-(After winning World Series Main Event, a Howard Dean esque...) "YEAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11"

Memo to the Chinese Government:

Stop trying to fuck around with my American sports.

The Chinese, in trying to perfect a move first tried out by all around good guys Steve Francis and Eli Manning, are being complete assholes. Yi got drafted by the Bucks, so guess what mother fucker? You play for the Bucks.
You're a Buck, douchebag.

I think if the Bucks give in and trade Yi to a major city (not that I would mind having the guy on the Knicks, I thank you), the NBA starts sliding down a very slippery slope and big name foreign players will be able to take complete control over who drafts them in the future. I think David Stern needs to sneak into the Chinese Embassy, Jack Bauer-style, and hold someone hostage until the Chinese give in.

We as Americans cannot let Yi and China pull this shit!

Michael Wilbon's Inner Voice

"Why the fuck is Keyshawn Johnson
sitting next to me? I mean, seriously
this guy's got the IQ of potato salad, and
I apologize to my dear friend potato salad
for insulting him."

WSOP Player Profile: Phil Hellmuth

In honor of the 2007 World Series of Poker debuting on ESPN last night, we'd like to take some time over the course of the next few months to see who's a pro and who can't even SPELL poker.

Today's player? Phil Hellmuth, the Poker Brat.




Strengths: -Incredible ability to read other players.
-Berating fellow "players" until they cry or fold.

Weaknesses: -Being a crybaby bitch.
-9 bracelets compensate for microscopic penis

Special Abilities: He can dodge BULLETS, baby!

Super Effective Against: Rock, Steel, newbie players.

No Effect On: Ghost, Normal, Annie Duke

Quotables: "I guess if there weren't any luck involved I'd win every hand."
"You see that honey!? I was supposed to go broke on that hand! But they forgot, I can dodge BULLETS, baby."
"I can't believe this is the World Series of Poker... some of the worst players in the world here. These guys can't even spell poker.

Note: He sort of looks like my Uncle Edddddddddd.

Hallelujah! Our Savior has arrived!

David Beckham arrived in the US on Friday, and everything changed. Oh? It didn't? You didn't feel the very planet shake when his foot first touched American soil? Well maybe not yet, but here are what may happen in the coming weeks:

- Beck's first MLS game, July 21st on ESPN, breaks ratings records. Watched by nearly 40 million households, ESPN decides to take advantage of his popularity. ESPN Classic changes to Beckham Classic. Baseball Tonight is now Soccer Tonight, and for some reason John Kruk is still an analyst. Also, a reality show is created documenting David Beckham's journey's through the local Pathmark, and his struggle in selecting the perfect toilet tissue.

- David Beckham trips over his Personal Cameraman when jogging on to the field for the first time. Becks breaks his leg, tears and ACL, and is out indefinitely. After being carried out on a stretcher, the 40,000 fans that attended the game all walk out of the stadium and the match is played with only two fans remaing, the guy who sells hot dogs, and a 14 year old girl who mistakenly thought all the spice girls would show up.

- Much like when Reggie Jackson came to New York, a candy is made for David Beckham. Hershey comes out with a bag of chocolate covered peanuts with chocolate sprinkles. The package of candy's is called Beckham's Sack. Young women eat-up the candy, despite it tasting like total balls.

Of course, the mostly likely thing that will happen after Beck's arrival:

- Absolutely nothing.

Ch-Ch-Check It Out

Check out the brand new blog of a very good friend to the site, King Carson. His blog is http://heywhodey.blogspot.com/

Things I Will See in Hell...

That actually happened in real life.

As I sat down to eat four delicious tacos, I said to myself, "Boy, I sure would like to watch some sports programming right now, what better than ESPN." Bad move.

ESPN: Baseball Tonight... which usually wouldn't be a problem except it was hosted only by KRUKKIE and your favorite failure of a Mets GM, Stevie P. In addition to these two jackasses, we had Stephen A. giving updates and telling them how much they suck.

ESPN2: Auto Racing. Speaks for itself.

ESPN News: No news today, just the always whiny Mike Lupica and his talking head minions yapping about the "real issues" of sports.

ESPN Classic: All right, maybe here I can get some legitimate old sports, and who doesn't love that? I'm thinking old NBA Finals games, some World Series, maybe even an old hot dog contest. Far from it, my friends. We're subjected to, once again, classic PBA Bowling.

Why must ESPN put me in programming hell?

On the Metropolitans

Yours truly was at Shea for the Mets-Reds game last to kick off the approximate second half of the baseball season. A couple of things to take note of:

I absolutely love releasing Julio Franco and bringing up Lastings Milledge. Franco's numbers have been absolutely horrendous this year; he's slugging .260 in 60 plate appearances, with a nearly as bad .328 OBP percentage, and a BA somewhere south of the Mendoza line. For the Sabremetrically inclined, he's got an EQA of .229 and a WARP3 of .2. In other words, he's old and he's overstayed his welcome in the clubhouse. Some see him as this sympathetic, a sort of "Look at the old man play!" type of thing. But it seems that Franco is the one who's creating rifts between the Latin and white guys in the clubhouse, so good riddance.

Now I realize that Lastings Milledge is thuggish, what with his rap album speaking of the bitches and hos and all the whatnot. I'm going to chalk it all up to just a couple of stupid things he's done and hope for the best, because the man's talent absolutely cannot be denied. He went first to home and a Ruben Gotay single last night to score the winning run, and there is no way Julio Franco was going to do anything like that. So my hopes with Lastings are the same as my hopes with Zach Randolph: Keep the zaniness to a minimum, and just play some good baseball/basketball.

Milledge, healing lepers.

In other, absolutely incredible news, Rickey goddamn Henderson is the Mets new hitting coach. I mean, I never had a problem with Rick Down and he probably shouldn't have gotten fired over guys not having the incredible year that they had last year or living up to expectations (Valentin, Delgado and Beltran). I realize Rickey isn't exactly a character guy; the fella was playing cards while the Mets' ship was sinking during the '99 playoffs. But I can't deny it gives me a special feeling in special places when Rickey Henderson is around, and I can only hope that hilarity ensues.


That said, I hope this team starts playing up to expectations, they are without a doubt better than 9 games over .500 at this point in the season.


Photos from Milledge Facts and Atlanta Braves

The Occasional Sports Ticker

-Alex Rodriguez soon to become youngest player to hit 500 not clutch home runs.
-Tony La Russa inexplicably bats Aaron Rowand over Albert Pujols in bottom of the ninth in the All Star game, later gives Pujols' wife the Shocker.
-Bill Simmons still pretty sure Mike Lowell is done.
-Chaos reigns as Kevin Durant is not strong enough to pick up the ball in a Summer League game.
-Chinese government kidnaps and threatens to kill Andrew Bogut unless Yi is traded to a bigger market.
-Yao Ming sad that he is no longer the only Chinese sensation in the league (if you don't count Wang ZhiZhi).
-Honest Prediction: Darko will actually be good in Memphis.
-Manny Ramirez loves the new Harry Potter movie.
-Prince Fielder, upset over fielding error, eats baseball.

Hot Dog Contest Review

Yesterday's contest was everything it was hyped up to be and so much more. We had everything in this match, folks. There was the douchey announcer who claimed that if you googled "hero" today you would find Joey Chestnut up there with Abe Lincoln and... Taylor Hicks? We were missing, however, a cameo from Eric "Badlands" Booker, a personal favorite of mine. Of course, all the big boppers where there including Sonya Thomas, Kobayashi, Joey Chestnut, Tim "Eater X" Janus, "Burger" Simpson, and Patrick Bertoletti. Bertoletti in particular had a surprisingly strong day, keeping pace with Kobayashi for the first five minutes or so.

They started out trying to get the whole field on camera ( as if it even mattered, right guys?! lolllllllllllllllll) but quickly focused on our two contenders, Kobayashi and Chestnut. They both started out chipmunking, which is a very common style for Chestnut but not so much so for Kobayashi. Any time I've ever seen Kobayashi he's gone primarily with the Japanesing technique, which he would switch over to later in the match.

At points Chestnut had as much as a five dog lead at 39-34, and though it seemed as if his jaw was not affecting him, that Kobayashi was going down without much of a fight. However! Kobayashi began to battle back at a steady pace and managed to tie it up again at 59-59. It was Chestnut who reached 60 first to break his own world record, and this is where it all begins to be too much for the 6-time consecutive champion, Kobayashi.

They appear to be tied at the buzzer, but Kobayashi gives it all up with a Reversal of Fortune! When we come back from commercial we see the final tally is 66-63, Chestnut. This battle was more epic than any sporting event I have ever seen, excluding only Larry Johnson's magical four point play and Robin Ventura's Grand Single. I am now convinced that, as an American, it is my duty to watch the few indulge themselves (professionally!) while many go hungry! America, fuck yeah!

And a very happy belated Fourth of July, America is the fucking balls.

Tim Duncan Wants You to Name a Turk, a Dirk, and a Jerk

"Hedo Turkoglu, Dirk Nowitzki, and....Pj Carlesimo!!!"

Kirby

Let me tell you about a little something that really burns my balls. I consider myself a fairly die hard fan of the Super Smash Bros. video game series. I'm decent at it but generally get outclassed by my friends. The reason my friends are so good is because they know how to use Kirby, easily the most dominant player in the game. Kirby has protection with the Down B rock, an Up B uppercut that is an automatic cliff-KO in addition to being very handy in getting back on the ledge, the ability to fucking steal OTHER PEOPLE'S POWERS (in other words, he's down with OPP), and the best overall jumping in the game. All of these features help make up for Kirby's relatively light frame that gets him knocked around Darko in the paint. It is this domination that makes Kirby not only the most fun, but also one of the most unbeatable (if used well) video game characters in history.

Kirby seen here ready to fucking destroy the
Mario brothers with little to no help from Yoshi,
his supposed ally. (Editor's note: Can you
see the pain in his eyes?)

Now, my problem is not with Kirby. Far from it! Boy-o, does I wants me some of that Kirby love. (Gentlemen, we loved the skunk tails.) The problem, my friends, is what they (Hal Laboratories) did to the incredible Kirby in Super Smash Bros. Melee for the Gamecube.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kirby has been completely and totally pussified in Super Smash Bros. Melee. Whereas he was formerly in a class of his own, Fox, Falco, Sheik, Mario, Doctor Mario, Luigi, Samus, and Link can all compete with and beat the shit out of him. His smash moves have been dulled and his Up B is not quite what it used to be. Basically, he's Pistol Pete on the Celtics. I mean, look at this wimp:

I mean, even Rocky's son in Rocky V could beat the shit out of this thing.

My plea is this: Please, Hal Laboratories and Nintendo, give Kirby back his awesomeness. I can not possibly handle another game of Fox beating the shit out of everyone.

Isiah Thomas: Bad GM, Funny Speaker

"So I said to Carmelo and Marcus... ya'll shouldn't even
be on the court right now."

Official Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Competition Preview

If you are a fan of competitive sports, than this July 4th, forget about the baseball games, the NBA Draft, the NHL (are they still playing?), and you can tape the Arena football games if you really need to. Instead, you need to tune into the single event that really symbolizes our nations Independence.
Of Course, here at MDEF2, we have your preview ready. Now you can impress your friends with all the info on your favorite eaters.


Takeru Kobayashi: The Legend. No single man has changed the world of hot dog eating since Babe Ruth ate a dozen dogs between games of a double header. This Japanese Phenom has won the last six years straight. This year he is closing in on Lance Armstrong-like dominance. However, with recent injuries to his jaw, he is certainly not in his top form. Look for an upset this year.

Joey Chestnut: The Pride of the USA. After watching the Japanese steal the one thing our nation is best at (eating way too much), one man stood up to rise to the challenge. If Japans invasion of the Hot Dog Contest is Pearl Harbor, than this man is our A-Bomb. This bomb was dropped a few weeks ago when he broke Kobayashi's record, with an astounding 59.5 dogs in just 12 minutes. Chestnut's our man, and we will all be behind him this year.


Sonya Thomas: The Black Widow. Yes, ladies are involved, and this 105 pound wonder is no slouch. The Elissa Steamer of competitive eating has her share of world records, including chicken nuggets and fruitcake. If it wasn't for the big two, she would be a perennial winner. Instead, she will most likely lead a close pack, and take third place yet again.


Tim "Eater X" Janus: Although little is known about this man and where his origins are. However, it is known that he consumes food quickly, possibly at super-human rates. He has been spotted on MTV's "True Life: I'm a competitive eater," and later on Discovery Channel's "Cash Cab." By definition, he is a mystery, and what he can do this year is totally unknown.



Patrick Bertoletti: One of the "Young Guns." Like Poker with "The Crew" of young talent, Bertoletti has been spotted chilling with Chestnut. Although not quite in the league of the laders, Patrick is coming up strong, and has the most potential of anybody. The best part, his narsty mohawk and his tendency to dress like Travis from Taxi Driver. Watch out for this Bad Ass Eater (BAE for short).



Eric "Badlands" Booker: This man is in a league all his own. Not for his eating talent, in reality he is just a fat guy and is not a real threat, but for his off the field antics. To date, he has released 3 full-length rap albums. They're hot, no doubt. Badlands might not even show up this year, for he is currently touring around the country.

Well, those are all the heavy hitters in the world of competitive eating. Of course, there are always the unknowns and Cinderella stories, I think we all remember Cookie Jarvis in '02. So look out for Crazy Legs Conti, Rich LaFevre, and all the other eaters out there. And to all the young eaters out there, follow your dreams, and never give up. And, oh yeah, if you throw up it doesn't count.

Paul Lo Duca: Professional Jackass

Lo Duca, running from his problems.

You may or may not be able to tell from this picture, but Paul Lo Duca is a troublemaker and all around jackass. He has been misquoted in several New York newspapers such as the Post, Newsday, and the Daily News. Now, these papers may be the literary equivalent of a Mo Vaughn diarrhea dump, but the words hurt all the same.

Lo Duca gets upset that the media gloms go after him and no one else for interviews, but it's not because they like to pick on him, it's that he's one of the few honest guys in the clubhouse who isn't going to give you cliched answers. Recently, when expressing that he didn't want to do an interview he said "There's plenty of other guys here...They speak English, believe me." Now some people interpreted this as racist, which I think is a stupid thing to say; not everything has to be a race issue. I feel like it's more Lo Duca ("Shorty Gangsta") being a jackass and calling out his teammates because they don't wanna talk to the reporters.

Who can blame the Joses, Beltran, Gomez or Delgado for not wanting to talk to the media? Those guys are animals and demand that the players speak to them at the end of every game. If it was me, I know I wouldn't want to be bothered like that all the time. And yeah, you can use the "They get paid to play a game, they should make time for the media to get a quote," but I think that today mainstream media just has too much news and they've over saturated the market.

The fault with Lo Duca is not that he talks to the media members all the time, I think that for the most part that's a good thing. But to call out your teammates for not being the first in line to talk to the press is being a bad teammate and yes, selfish.

Lo Duca Rant Rains on Mets
--Record Online--

Thanks to Papa Ishkabibble for the insight.

Isiah Thomas's To-Do List

We here on Long Island have suffered through the misery that is Isiah Thomas for several years now. I feel like we've been through a lot together, from the Marbury trade to the Jerome James signing. This, however, is the year that everything changes. Isiah Thomas is ready to get OUT there, man, and boy-o does he have a plan.

-Trade $1.00 for 75c
-Trade an XBox 360 for an XBox.
-Give the previously mentioned Jerome James a contract extension, it just might motivate him to get in shape.
-Sign that Johan Santana fella, he really seems to know what he's doing out there. Oh, let's also trade for Todd Bertuzzi, we really need an enforcer.
-Paint the game floor green in order to confuse opponents.
-Make the baskets 11-feet high.
-Try to get that Yao Ming guy from Milwaukee. Or is it Wang Zhi Zhi? Yi?
-Hire Rickey Ledee as a motivational speaker.
-Play to win the game!
-Buy Eddy Curry a dictionary, tell him to look up "defense" and "rebound."
-Convert David Lee to point guard.

Chien-Ming Wang: Taiwan's Glory

Wow, ESPN is right. He really has accomplished more than he could ever imagine:

- July 27, 2006: Staten Island Yankees Retire his number 41
- He only played for two seasons.

- August 5, 2006: First time mistaken for Hideki Irabu
- Haha, Fat Toad.

- April 12, 2007: Learns first words in English
- What were they? "No, it is not true what they say. It is average size."

- May 5, 2007: Takes a perfect game into the 8th inning
- After the game, Jorge Posada had to stop him from committing Seppuku. Seppuku? Sudoku? Bukkake?

- May 14, 2007: Listed as one of Time Magazine's "Top 100 Most Influential People"
- In the "Heroes and Pioneers" section, you know, right next to Oprah, and Tony Dungy

- January 15, 2022: Elected to hall of Fame.
- Thus becoming the very first, ever, Hall-of-Famer whose last name is a slang for genitalia. Well him, and Homer Bush.

Blowing It

Up-until-this-point fantastic Rockies closer has blown 3 straight saves, allowing 9 earned runs in his last 1 and 1/3 innings pitched. When asked to comment, Fuentes began sobbing lightly into his glove.

Andrew Bogut, Is That You?

"WTF, mate?"

Isiah Is Not Completely Stupid!

Last night the Knicks managed to trade the King of Bad Contracts Mr. Steve Franics (formerly "Franchise") and soft forward Channing Frye to Portland for Zach Randolph and Fred Jones.

If Isiah can get Randolph to control his problems off the court and on, he could make the team a legitimate 5-seed in the weak East. In the East Randolph is good for 25 and 10 every night. His strong rebounding ability means the fact that Eddy Curry can't rebound isn't such a big deal. Fred Jones is really just a throw him, with very unimpressive statistics while playing roughly 21 minutes a night.

As a Knicks fan, I'm thrilled with this trade despite the obvious risks associated with Randolph. I'm figuring that the Knicks were already screwed, and Randolph's behavior problems couldn't be much worse than what they've experienced during the Layden-Thomas regime. If they could somehow add a good perimeter defender, they could be a top-tier team in the East.

Anyway....fire Isiah!

Baseball Milestone

Frank Thomas hit his 500th career homerun today and Craig Biggio collected (why collected for hits?) his 3,000th career hit. My question is: Has this ever happened before, and if so, when? My thoughts are that it's incredible unlikely, maybe the good ole folks over at Elias will mention it in their ESPN report.

UPDATE!

From Jayson Stark, of ESPN.com

Never in the history of baseball had we seen one man hit his 500th home run and another man get his 3,000th hit on the same day.

Heck, only twice before (Ernie Banks-Hank Aaron in 1970, Tony Gwynn-Wade Boggs-Mark McGwire in 1999) had we witnessed both of those magic numbers arrive in the same week.

My questions are silenced, for now.

Something that Sounds Like It Should Be on the Sports Ticker...

But actually happened!

Everyone's favorite mindless ESPN talking head (sorry, Skip Bayless) Woody Paige has been accused of sexual harassment by a former makeup artist of the always useless "Cold Pizza." Details? So glad you asked:

A woman who worked on the set of the ESPN talk show "Cold Pizza" is suing the sports network, claiming she was fired after complaining about sexual harassment by the show's host and one of its regular panelists. In the lawsuit, which also names ESPN host Jay Crawford and sports commentator Woody Paige, Rita Ragone claims that Paige pinched and fondled her and she was subjected to crude sexual comments from Crawford.

Ragone, a makeup artist and hair stylist from the Bronx, claimed Paige once grabbed her backside so forcefully, she was "propelled forward and into the air."

We over here at...(need a clever nickname) are fairly amused by the fact that Paige still has a job while Harold Reynolds was fired immediately upon accusal of sexual harassment.

Quote courtesy of http://www.newsday.com/news/local/wire/newyork/ny-bc-ny--espn-sexualharass0628jun28,0,3810487.story?coll=ny-region-apnewyork

Story courtesy of Deadspin.com

Eric Chavez

"How does it feel when I fuck your fantasy team in the ass?"

What happened to Eric Chavez? An excellent defensive player and former superstar, his numbers have been diminishing since 2005. Chavez's numbers, 2001-2004

2001: .288/.338/.540
2002: .275/.348/.513
2003: .282/.350/.514
2004: .276/.397.501

2004 was an absolute stud year and brought promises of many similar years to come, with a WARP3 of 8.9 and an EQA of an even .300. Starting in 2005, however...

2005: .269/ .329/ .466
2006: .241 /.351 /.435
2007: .239/ .301 /.442

...with a very poor .254 EQA so far for 2007. For any of you fantasy players dumb enough to draft him fairly early, thinking he could regain pre-2005 form... count me among your stupid. What happened to your Eric Chavez? You could have BEEN somebody!

Anectdotal Nonsense

Last season I was watching a Mets-Rockies affair when non other than Byung-Hyun Kim came to bat. Well there happened to be a runner on second, Clint Barmes. (You may remember Barmes as the fellow who got badly injured last year carrying Todd Helton's deer meat.) Well as Kim is not really a fantastical hitter, he was called upon by manager Clint Hurdle to bunt over Barmes. Kim lays down a bunt right in front of the plate, unlikely to move over the runner. As you may have guessed by now, this is not the exciting part of our story. Instead of running down to first base, as is customary in baseball, Kim just stands there. He does not move, he simply waits to be tagged out by our hero, the catcher. Barmes has no idea whether to run or to stay at second. This leads to my all time favorite statement by an announcer, exclaimed by Keith Hernandez:

"What the hell is Kim doing?!"

Absolute brilliance on Keith's part.
(This story has been largely helped out by Christopher Leap, I thank you for it)

The Old Switch-a-Roo

NASCAR

Now I would never want to a do a post praising the Sport of Kings Rednecks, but this is an awesome story.

Apparently this guy Denny Hamlin (wow what a southerner, this guy is named after Denny's), is a driver. But because he was busy beating his wife or something, I don't know what these rednecks do, he was late, and missed the start. Now, before I go farther, how hard is your job as a NASCAR driver. All you do is turn left, that's it, no need for a tomtom here. This idiot just could not be there for the green flag.

So, his team decides to throw in some asshole named Aric Almirola instead (again, look at this guys first name, yes it's spelled right, I guess its how they pronounce Eric down there in Dixieland).

Then, when our man Denny shows up via is helicopter, he waits for his teammate to make a pit stop, and kicks his ass out of the car. I imagine it to be like in Grand Theft Auto, you know just open the door and hop in, no argument whatsoever. So now Denny is driving, and he wins the fucking race. That's right, checkered flag for Mr. Tardy.

Now I don't know how this is allowed, and apparently it's the first time in NASCAR history (haha there's a history of NASCAR). But I fully encourage this to take place more. And not only should they change drivers, but vehicles as well. One lap in the Stock Car, one in a Motorcyle, one in a monster truck, one on a razor scooter, one just in Heely's, and for one lap you gotta moonwalk the track. Now strategy would really come into play here when deciding which lap to use what, because you do not want to be the one moonwalking in front of an angry Tony Stewart in a monster truck. Maybe, just maybe, if NASCAR does all this stuff, I'll watch some races. But only during commercials of the real sports on ESPN Classic. Like Women's Nine-ball.

The Occasional Sports Ticker

-Jon Kitna says the Lions will win more than ten games this year. After the interview Kitna was taken to Sunnyside Mental Health Facility for some "rest and relaxation."
*Upon hearing Kitna's guarantee Bill Simmons immediately leaped on to the Lions bandwagon.
-RIP Vince McMahon.
-New studies show Jason Schmidt's vagin-ish goatee is keeping his ERA above 4.00.
-Ozzie Guillen still convinced small ball is "the way to go, definitely."
-16 year old girl marries her 40 year old track coach. There's no joke to make or anything like that, that's just dumb-fucking-founding.
-A-rod not clutch for only hitting one ninth inning homerun.
-Cox ties ejection record without umpire stabbage!
-Isiah Thomas attempts to trade Jerome James to Portland for the Blazers first round pick, fails.
-John Amaechi is still gay.

In All Seriousness, Reasons You Suck at Poker AND Are a Poker Douche

-You show your cards after every hand, regardless of whether you won, lost, or even called the Big Blind.
*Your rationale for this is probably something along the lines of "Now they'll never be able to tell when I'm bluffing!" I assure you, they will know.
-You didn't spot the sucker within the first half hour at the table. In the words of the great Amarillo Slim, this means the sucker is you.
-You look at your cards the second you get them. Slow down there, Johnny Anxious, why not have a look around the table and see what else is going on?
-When the blinds are $20/$40, you try to raise $10.
*Bonus points if you don't know what a Blind is.
-You line up your chips in their stacks so that all the little markings match perfectly.
-You try to do the "Take two stacks of chips and put them together into one" and fail miserably.
-You bet $2 on a side pot instead of checking it down.
-You insist on seeing the entire community even when you fold before the flop.
*Bonus points if, when the river card comes out, you go "Ahhhhhh of course" like some kind of lame sage.
-Your favorite professional player is Chris Moneymaker or Jamie Gold.
-You take cell phone calls at the table and insist to whomever you're speaking with that you're "just taking all these suckers' money."

Jamie Gold is proud that I wrote the whole
column in the second person.

Tim Wakefield's Thought Process During the June 23 Sox - Padres Game

Ok so, yeah, I think I'm going to go ahead and throw a knuckle ball to Mike Cameron here. Ok here it goes... still going... aw shit he hit the ball. Yeah that's definitely a double. No big deal, I can work around this.

Josh Bard up now, this bitch is not ready for the power of a knuckleball! Fear the wrath of the mighty and powerful pitch that is this knuckleball. Here I go and... ha, foul ball motherfu-- aw fuck that's a homerun.

Let's just try to get out of the inning without any further damage from Mr. Greene. Any advice, Timmy Wakefield?

Tim's inner child: Blaze a fastball right by him!
Present day Tim: But I've made my career on throwing knuckleballs and slow curves...
TIC: OH MY GOD I grew up to be a pussy!
PDT: Shutup, here comes the knuckler!

Yeah I probably should have seen that coming, he really wailed on that one. Aw come on, don't take me out of the... all right fine, but I'm telling you, only the knuckler can save us now.

What with the Kims and All That Nonsense...

In response to the Kim update from Mr. Buster, I would like to further inform you on how some of the world famous Kims are doing today.

First and foremost we have Anthony Kim, yet another Kim golfer. He may or may not be related to any or all previously mentioned Kims. He was seen earlier in his London castle eating Fruit Loops.

I was able to contact retired Belgian tennis player Kim Clijsters as she was preparing to cover Snoop Dogg's "Gin and Juice" with Anna Kournikova.

North Korea's Kim Jong Il has fallen on hard times, as he tried to sell me cleaning supplies when I reached him via my cellular telephone.

Finally, Byung Hyung Kim answered our calls and it turns out that the score of nearly all his games is "Other team many, Kim few." Better luck next time Mr. Kim!

We hope you have enjoyed this brief Kim update. Join us next week as we follow the Curry's in the celebrity world.

Pedro and his little friend.

Wait, Wait, Wait

For all of you readers who are fans of have heard of the LPGA, you must already be aware of this phenomenon.
The two ladies pictured above, are both female golfers, are both playing in the Wegmans Tournament, are both very, very asian, are both at -7 after 2 rounds, are both tied for first, and are both named Kim!
That's right, the leaders, as posted on the Official LPGA Website, are Mi Hyun Kim, and In-Kyung Kim.
Um, I don't know which one is which, by the way.


MISSING UPDATE: No word yet on Byung-Hyun Kim's Current Score.

However, it is confirmed that Snakes On a Plane villain Eddie Kim is currently tied for 54th at just 3 over par.

Huh?

The man you see above you is Matt Cain. Earlier tonight, he walked Kei Igawa. Oh yes, you heard it hear first, ladies and gents, WALKED Kei Igawa. Pound in some fastballs? Not for you, Mr. Cain! You show Kei what nibbling the corners is all about.

When the San Francisco fans saw the Lo Pan-looking character that had been walked...


They immediately began hunting down Cain like Robert Duvall in "Falling Down."

The lesson is, as always: Never let a foreign pitcher making his first career National League start get on base!

Inside the Mind of a Savior

Kanye West discovers his fellow acts at the New York site of Live Earth


Hello, yes I am very proud to be part of Liver Earth this year. Yes, yes, I know, thank you, I just try to do what I can to help people. So let's see who else will be joining me in my quest to save the planet...

Ahh shit, Luda, yea that's my man






Oh yea, my baby Alicia keys, you just know I'm gonna be tappin' that again


John Mayer? Um, nah I mean that's cool. We can have some whiteys there, as long as he cares about black people.




AFI? Is this a real band? Ain't that the American Film Institute, oh damn I get it, they making a movie of all my humanitarianism and shit.



FALL OUT BOY? Oh goddammit, I've seen these bitches taking up my spots on TRL, do they really want a bunch of screaming little girls at this concert event?




Kelly Clarkson!! Wow, I guess they do. This, this, this is definitely not how you save the planet.




Bon Jovi!? These old-ass crackers gonna be on my stage! These grandpas couldn't save the dinosaurs could they? What makes them think they can stop global warming?


Smashing...Pumpkins...Okay who's been messing with my list. Because I don't think this is funny. I think this concert's gonna be a damn clusterfuck after I finish my set. Y'all just lucky I am so powerful, I don't need no one's help in saving the world.




The Police!?!? Oh shit no one told me the 5-0 was gonna be there. You know how I feel about the NYPD. That's it, I'm out, good luck Earth.

Mike, With or Without the Mad Dog

"I sure would love me some Diet Coke!"

Ever since the firing of one Mr. Don Imus, my morning commute to school (all 12 minutes of it) just hasn't been the same. Though I never really fell in love with that morning program, it was something different than I usually listened to and offered a nice change of pace. When the show went down because of the enormous controversy surrounding his comments made about the Rutgers basketball team, I was at a loss for what to listen to in the morning. The pompous douche Boomer Esiason and professionally irritated Jason Whitlock simply did not get the job done, and it seemed as if WFAN would not find a host good enough to replace Imus. Then they took Mike Francessa and Chris Russo and moved them to the morning slot temporarily, and it wasn't bad, just Mike and the Dog, morning style. But when they split them up and put Francessa primarily in the morning, I realized what an awesome solo host he was.

Now I feel that Francessa's general speaking talents and overall knowledge are really dragged down by the whiny Christopher Russo, the Mad Dog. My proposal is this: Keep Mike in the Imus slot and have him also host Mike and the Mad Dog twice a week. When Russo is going solo, extend Benigno and Roberts' show until 2 and have Russo go on from 2:00 - 5:30 PM. Short of getting Imus back, Francessa is the only host talented enough to keep the morning show's ratings up.

Edit: Excuse me for going a bit too far on the Francessa love affair.

The Occasional Sports Ticker

-Sammy Sosa hits 600 home runs, soul immediately repossessed by Satan as per their contract.
-If Jean-Sebastien Giguere signs a 4-year, $24 million dollar contract and no one cares, does he still get the money?
-Chinese draft prospect Yi Jianlian's stock drops dramatically following his inability to play basketball.
-Fantastic Four commercials during NBA Finals fail to inspire Cavaliers to play four men at a time in order to beat the Spurs.
-Bill Simmons' tears over loss of draft lottery beginning to flood the Manhattan Island.
-Jason Giambi's injection of (Apple) juice fails to make him anything more than delicious.
-Kevin Garnett turns agent to stone with steely gaze for even suggesting a trade to the Celtics.
-Mike Brown still trying to figure out how to score on those darned Spurs.

It's 10:00 PM...

Does Pacman Jones know where your children are?

Things to Do as an Asshole on June 22: Kobe Bryant

Hey guys it's Kobe. Due to my recent dick behavior, many of my admirers have asked me how it is that I wake up every day and find new ways to be an asshole. Well in response I've created a short list on how to be a better asshole on a day to day basis.

1. Demand to be traded from a team that chose you over a 9-time champion coach and a top-5 all time center.
2. Put battery acid in a child's birthday cake.
3. Demand to be traded from a team that stood by you as you underwent a rape trial.
4. Steal Doyle Brunson's crutch
5. Call Rudy Tomjanovich in a Kermit Washington voice asking to get together.
6. Scream at Curtis Pride because he won't pay attention to your voice.
7. Write an article about Darin Erstad's grittyness factor.
8. Tell an 8 year old orphan that Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, and Shrek all died.


These are things anyone can do to become a better asshole before noon on a Tuesday. If people don't hate you by dinner, then you just haven't done your job.

...Kobe!

Only Slightly Shorter Fantastic Four

Weird shit is happening we're getting married johnny get the surfer guy "i'm good looking and turn into fire" lol johnny general says reed is a bitch reed calls general asshole DR DOOM IS BACK WHAT THE FUCK somehow catch surfer realize he's super fly help surfer defeat incredible cloud vortex that makes no sense surfer dead alba alive yay we're REALLY married now surfer alive!

This is roughly how compressed the actual movie was.