Eric Chavez

"How does it feel when I fuck your fantasy team in the ass?"

What happened to Eric Chavez? An excellent defensive player and former superstar, his numbers have been diminishing since 2005. Chavez's numbers, 2001-2004

2001: .288/.338/.540
2002: .275/.348/.513
2003: .282/.350/.514
2004: .276/.397.501

2004 was an absolute stud year and brought promises of many similar years to come, with a WARP3 of 8.9 and an EQA of an even .300. Starting in 2005, however...

2005: .269/ .329/ .466
2006: .241 /.351 /.435
2007: .239/ .301 /.442

...with a very poor .254 EQA so far for 2007. For any of you fantasy players dumb enough to draft him fairly early, thinking he could regain pre-2005 form... count me among your stupid. What happened to your Eric Chavez? You could have BEEN somebody!

Tim Wakefield's Thought Process During the June 23 Sox - Padres Game

Ok so, yeah, I think I'm going to go ahead and throw a knuckle ball to Mike Cameron here. Ok here it goes... still going... aw shit he hit the ball. Yeah that's definitely a double. No big deal, I can work around this.

Josh Bard up now, this bitch is not ready for the power of a knuckleball! Fear the wrath of the mighty and powerful pitch that is this knuckleball. Here I go and... ha, foul ball motherfu-- aw fuck that's a homerun.

Let's just try to get out of the inning without any further damage from Mr. Greene. Any advice, Timmy Wakefield?

Tim's inner child: Blaze a fastball right by him!
Present day Tim: But I've made my career on throwing knuckleballs and slow curves...
TIC: OH MY GOD I grew up to be a pussy!
PDT: Shutup, here comes the knuckler!

Yeah I probably should have seen that coming, he really wailed on that one. Aw come on, don't take me out of the... all right fine, but I'm telling you, only the knuckler can save us now.

Huh?

The man you see above you is Matt Cain. Earlier tonight, he walked Kei Igawa. Oh yes, you heard it hear first, ladies and gents, WALKED Kei Igawa. Pound in some fastballs? Not for you, Mr. Cain! You show Kei what nibbling the corners is all about.

When the San Francisco fans saw the Lo Pan-looking character that had been walked...


They immediately began hunting down Cain like Robert Duvall in "Falling Down."

The lesson is, as always: Never let a foreign pitcher making his first career National League start get on base!

The Occasional Sports Ticker

-Sammy Sosa hits 600 home runs, soul immediately repossessed by Satan as per their contract.
-If Jean-Sebastien Giguere signs a 4-year, $24 million dollar contract and no one cares, does he still get the money?
-Chinese draft prospect Yi Jianlian's stock drops dramatically following his inability to play basketball.
-Fantastic Four commercials during NBA Finals fail to inspire Cavaliers to play four men at a time in order to beat the Spurs.
-Bill Simmons' tears over loss of draft lottery beginning to flood the Manhattan Island.
-Jason Giambi's injection of (Apple) juice fails to make him anything more than delicious.
-Kevin Garnett turns agent to stone with steely gaze for even suggesting a trade to the Celtics.
-Mike Brown still trying to figure out how to score on those darned Spurs.

It's 10:00 PM...

Does Pacman Jones know where your children are?

Things to Do as an Asshole on June 22: Kobe Bryant

Hey guys it's Kobe. Due to my recent dick behavior, many of my admirers have asked me how it is that I wake up every day and find new ways to be an asshole. Well in response I've created a short list on how to be a better asshole on a day to day basis.

1. Demand to be traded from a team that chose you over a 9-time champion coach and a top-5 all time center.
2. Put battery acid in a child's birthday cake.
3. Demand to be traded from a team that stood by you as you underwent a rape trial.
4. Steal Doyle Brunson's crutch
5. Call Rudy Tomjanovich in a Kermit Washington voice asking to get together.
6. Scream at Curtis Pride because he won't pay attention to your voice.
7. Write an article about Darin Erstad's grittyness factor.
8. Tell an 8 year old orphan that Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, and Shrek all died.


These are things anyone can do to become a better asshole before noon on a Tuesday. If people don't hate you by dinner, then you just haven't done your job.

...Kobe!

MDEF2 Exclusive! Inside the Roger Clemens Contract

Everyone is talking about The Rocket's new deal, and all the perks and luxuries he receives. You may already know that he does not have to travel with the team on the road, but take a look at these lesser known details:

Article 1, Section B: When Roger is with the team, Don Mattingly is required to give Roger a foot massage whenever Roger deems Necessary.

Article 3, Line 17: Roger shall be the only Yankee with a name written on the back of his jersey. However, it will not read "Clemens," rather "Ninja Master" will be spelled out.

Article 4.6, Sentence 4: Roger is allowed to get up to go to the bathroom during the singing of God Bless America.

Article 08, Section 80: As you know, Roger does not like hot dogs, in fact he despises them. From this point on, hot dogs shall no longer be sold in Yankee Stadium. Instead people can buy 'Roger Clemens All-natural soy bean meal replacement bars'.

Article 9, Paragraph 18: Walkie Talkies must be provided to both Roger, and his BFFL Andy Pettite. Also, a moderator must be hired to settle disputes over games of "The Trains on the Track."

Article 3.14159..., Line 1: Roger's son, Koby Clemens, must be signed to a Yankee Contract equal to that of Roger's. Koby shall start every game at third base. He shall hit leadoff, cleanup, and serve as a DH if he so chooses. After playing in his first game, his number must be retired and a shrine created in monument park.
Line 1-A: Also, Lakers star Kobe Bryant must change his first name as to avoid confusion.

Article 99, Section 00: Mariano Rivera must stop sucking, so that Roger does accumulate any no decisions after great performances.

Article Q, Paragraph 8: On days when it is "like really hot," a dome must be constructed. If not, Mike Mussina must cool off Roger with a folded looseleaf paper fan.

Article 1984, Line Tangent: Only Yankee batters on Roger's fantasy team are allowed to get hits and RBIs. In addition, A-Rod needs to start putting up more of those April numbers or risk being dropped from "The Raging Rockets."

After hearing about these sections of the contract, teammate Kyle Farnsworth is quoted as saying "Wow, Roger has a nifty deal there." Obviously Farnsworth as some kind of vendetta against the Cy Young winner, and is only trying to ruin the team chemistry in the Yankee clubhouse.

The Weekly Sports Ticker

-Bruce Bowen stabs Steve Nash with a hunting knife; Greg Popovich sees no foul.
-Rockets fire Jeff Van Gundy but sign the bags under his eyes to a 3-year extension.
-Tony Parker makes foul shot, still French.
-Manu Ginobili's bald spot holds three tourists hostage at the team hotel.
-Jimmy Rollins thinks Yankees are team to beat in AL East.
-Each one of Roger Clemens' 58 pitches in his Friday minor league start cured a child with Leukemia. Also, each time The Rocket wins, it counts as 2 wins for the Yankees, and 1 loss for the Red Sox.
-Floyd Landis pisses Orange soda in his latest drug test, baffles officials.
-Cam Cameron not impressed by Rickey Williams' gift of fruit basket, dime bag.

John Kruk's Top Google Searches

- Cupcake Recipes

- Paris Hilton Tape

- Grand Theft Auto III cheat codes

- Fantasy Baseball Tips

- Weight Watchers Dessert Ideas

- Protective Cups that DON'T BREAK

- Cheap Haircuts

- Paris Hilton Tape for Free

- Gamblers Anonymous

- Shrine To John Kruk*

*Oh he found it

Signs of a Sports Douchebag

You know That Guy. You've seen him at games, you're in fantasy sports leagues together; heck, you might have even gone to school with them once! No one likes this people, no one. If you fear that you or one of your loved ones may be a sports douchebag, check for the following signs:

-he roots for a team outside of New York even though he was born and raised in New York.
-He tries to insist that the Yankees and Red Sox have a rivalry, despite the Yankees winning 98% of the time.
*if he has a Red Sox fan, he bought an incredible amount of team apparel after their World Series victory in order to better say "Hey, look at me, I'm an asshole."
-In fantasy sports, he drops one fringe second baseman in order to pick up another fringe second baseman in order to assert his dominance as a "guru."
*He KNOWS that this is the week the .008 difference in Luis Castillo's and Chris Burke's OBP
is really gonna make a difference.
-He insists the reason David Wright isn't hitting well is because he throws his helmet after at bats.
-He believes that Alex Rodriguez is not "clutch," and that Derek Jeter is a god.
-He has second and, yes, THIRD favorite teams.
-90% of the time, these teams have just recently won a championship or absolutely come out of nowhere to be good.
-He will make up random statistics and insist they're true, despite the fact that you're at Baseball Prospectus and looking at Berkman's OBP.
*It's not always limited to current stats, however. He may insist that Wilt Chamberlain scored 101 points in a game.
-He calls Mark Messier a "piece of shit."

Bill Cosby's NBA Pick

Ya see, the kids, they watch the SPURS, which gives them the brain damage! With the kickin' of the Bowen and the punkin' of the Duncans, so they don't know what the JAZZ is all about!


Bill Cosby says: Go Jazz!

Ray Lewis, Master Interviewer

The Ravens very own former all-pro linebacker interviews the team's first round draft pick, OG Ben Grubbs.

Ray Lewis: Hey, rookie, let me get your thoughts on some hard hitting questions.

Ben Grubbs: Sounds good, Ray, let's go for it.

Ray Lewis: You ever make love to an oriental woman while simultaneously watching "Three's Compnay"?

BG: ..what?

RL: (takes out one of his knives) Now who's asking the questions, mother fucker!

BG: Alright, Christ! No, I haven't.

RL: You ever lick the asshole of a Cambodian immigrant?

BG: Cambodia?

RL: You ever color your testicles with magic markers?

BG: Magic...?

RL: Do you feel like you can improve our offensive line this year?

BG: Well, I'm gonna come to training camp in shape and try my --

RL: Shut the fuck up, rookie! You ever try to put 20 Swedish meatballs in your mouth at once and have Ed Reed piledrive your stomach?

BG: What the fuck are you talking about?

RL: Oh, I'll teach you to use foul language in front of the Lord, rookie! This interview is over! ::Stabs Ben Grubbs in the stomach::

WOOOOO! Time to work on Ray Ray's new dance.

Vince Carter + Mountain Dew =

Complete Vinsanity!

And you thought jumping a 7' Frenchman was ridiculous.

Vince Carter bows to no man!

UPDATE: Vince Carter bows to LeBron.

SECOND UPDATE: Upon further review, Frédéric Weis is in fact 7' 2"

NY Mets Join Cult, Win Game

Batting practice and shagging balls in the outfield wasn't enough. Nope, it took inspiration from baseball guru Britney Spears for David Wright to break out of his slump.

Jose Reyes and Billy Wagner were skeptical to join in this taboo ritual, for they both are hardcore Mormons. As for the rest, they quickly followed their fearless leader and shaved their skulls as a sign of brotherhood. After the hair fell, Pedro Cerrano led the team in a common voodoo ritual, and sacrificed a chicken.

Will this trend spread? It worked wonders for the Mets, who won today, and for Wright, who drove in the winning runs.

NY Mets, the team, the time, the hairless.

Celebrity Playlist: Brady Quinn

1. Touch It - Busta Rhymes
2. If You Must - Nirvana
3. Gimme Back My Bullets - Lynyrd Skynyrd
4. Relax - Frankie Goes to Hollywood
5. Come Out and Play - The Offspring
6. Bloody Chunks - Cannibal Corpse
7. Ultimate Satisfaction - Ludacris
8. Use My Third Arm - Pantera
9. Caress Me Down - Sublime

Photo from Kissing Suzy Kolber

Stephen A., Just Because

"Can't you see I'm righteously indignant?!"

Kruk Redux!

I'm sorry I ever doubted you, Mr. Kruk. Workers of ESPN, unite! You have nothing to lose but your jobs.

The Sports Ticker

-Bobby Cox planning to stab umpire in celebration of breaking the all time ejections record.
-Dirk Nowitzki to put MVP trophy between his balls and heart on the shelf.
-Curt Schilling hangs self in order to get more attention in between starts.
-Yankees hope banning booze in clubhouse will help headcases Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera stay focused on the field.
-Josh Hamilton demands no trade clause in his contract, but only to the Yankees.
-Jaguars devastated to learn Byron Leftwich is healthy, able to play.
-Isiah Thomas given contract extension for coaching his nephew's PAL team to .500 record.
-John Amaechi would like you to know he's gay. Also, did he mention he's gay?
-Sebastian Telfair found in Central Park burning copies of "Through the Fire" for warmth.
-Mariners still confident signing Jeff Weaver was a good move.
-Pacman Jones suspension repealed under the condition that he "tries really hard this time."

Sportscentury: The Juggernaut

This particular episode started when our heroes were discussing a new Mario video:

Johnny Ish: Man that was some good stuff, but it's no Juggernaut

Buster Douglas: Well the thing is, Juggy was Juggy, it could never really be Juggy in the way Spongebob was almost like Juggy.

JI: I'm always hearing "Oh, he's gonna be the next Juggy," or "It's The Juggernaut, jr." but these young folk just don't seem to get that, even if they have the talent, there really will never be another Juggy.

BD: I really feel like he changed the way the game will be played forever.

JI: I agree, he just had such an unbridled enthusiasm to go out and play every day. You just don't see that from a lot of guys today. I mean, he knew how to play the game the right way. Do you remember his catch phrase about going out and playing every day?

BD: I sure do! "I been waitin' for this shit all my motherfuckin' life!" Now, I mean, I haven't seen dedication like that since Cal Ripken, jr.

JI: Critics like to say that he was just another Welterweight Champion of the World, but I don't think that's a fair point.

BD: I konw bro, the thing about Juggy was, he had shit FALLIN' down on him while he was defending his title. You think Jack Dempsey could have done that? UNLIKELY.

JI: People also tend to forget the era in which he played the game. I mean, he was playing back when Beast had chest hair dandruff!

BD: Now, to be fair, he did have some off the field issues. I mean, there was that one binge night where he broke Wilt Chamberlain's 10,000 lady record in a mere thirty minutes.

JI: He had the post moves of Bill Walton, we all know this. But I think his most outstanding attribute was his incredible court vision; he could often be seen practicing by staring off into the sea with his motherfuckin' pimp cane.

BD: Well, Johnny, along with those quick hands came a quick wit. As he would often point out, once his rivals had made it known they wanted their money back, that he had custom made their suits. And it was true!

JI: I think Juggy really spoke volumes when he encouraged kids to wear helmets starting in the fourth grade. I mean, it really made the already hated Charles even more loathed for his "I am not a role model" stance.

BD: Will someone eventually catch up in terms of MVPs and titles? I say yes. But noone, I say noone, will ever change the game the way Juggy did.

David Wells, John Kruk, and a Cupcake!

A battle that wages brother against brother, and father against son. A centuries long struggle for dominance in a brutal society ruled by thuggery. This civil war will not end until the Masters of the Universe have ended their struggle: Which one of these fat gods will find the world's last cupcake and become Earth's fattest athlete once and for all?

Kruk. Wells.
Cupcake Wars

Rated R for sweet revenge and just desserts!