Memo to the Chinese Government:

Stop trying to fuck around with my American sports.

The Chinese, in trying to perfect a move first tried out by all around good guys Steve Francis and Eli Manning, are being complete assholes. Yi got drafted by the Bucks, so guess what mother fucker? You play for the Bucks.
You're a Buck, douchebag.

I think if the Bucks give in and trade Yi to a major city (not that I would mind having the guy on the Knicks, I thank you), the NBA starts sliding down a very slippery slope and big name foreign players will be able to take complete control over who drafts them in the future. I think David Stern needs to sneak into the Chinese Embassy, Jack Bauer-style, and hold someone hostage until the Chinese give in.

We as Americans cannot let Yi and China pull this shit!

Things to Do as an Asshole on June 22: Kobe Bryant

Hey guys it's Kobe. Due to my recent dick behavior, many of my admirers have asked me how it is that I wake up every day and find new ways to be an asshole. Well in response I've created a short list on how to be a better asshole on a day to day basis.

1. Demand to be traded from a team that chose you over a 9-time champion coach and a top-5 all time center.
2. Put battery acid in a child's birthday cake.
3. Demand to be traded from a team that stood by you as you underwent a rape trial.
4. Steal Doyle Brunson's crutch
5. Call Rudy Tomjanovich in a Kermit Washington voice asking to get together.
6. Scream at Curtis Pride because he won't pay attention to your voice.
7. Write an article about Darin Erstad's grittyness factor.
8. Tell an 8 year old orphan that Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, and Shrek all died.


These are things anyone can do to become a better asshole before noon on a Tuesday. If people don't hate you by dinner, then you just haven't done your job.

...Kobe!

MDEF2 Exclusive! Inside the Roger Clemens Contract

Everyone is talking about The Rocket's new deal, and all the perks and luxuries he receives. You may already know that he does not have to travel with the team on the road, but take a look at these lesser known details:

Article 1, Section B: When Roger is with the team, Don Mattingly is required to give Roger a foot massage whenever Roger deems Necessary.

Article 3, Line 17: Roger shall be the only Yankee with a name written on the back of his jersey. However, it will not read "Clemens," rather "Ninja Master" will be spelled out.

Article 4.6, Sentence 4: Roger is allowed to get up to go to the bathroom during the singing of God Bless America.

Article 08, Section 80: As you know, Roger does not like hot dogs, in fact he despises them. From this point on, hot dogs shall no longer be sold in Yankee Stadium. Instead people can buy 'Roger Clemens All-natural soy bean meal replacement bars'.

Article 9, Paragraph 18: Walkie Talkies must be provided to both Roger, and his BFFL Andy Pettite. Also, a moderator must be hired to settle disputes over games of "The Trains on the Track."

Article 3.14159..., Line 1: Roger's son, Koby Clemens, must be signed to a Yankee Contract equal to that of Roger's. Koby shall start every game at third base. He shall hit leadoff, cleanup, and serve as a DH if he so chooses. After playing in his first game, his number must be retired and a shrine created in monument park.
Line 1-A: Also, Lakers star Kobe Bryant must change his first name as to avoid confusion.

Article 99, Section 00: Mariano Rivera must stop sucking, so that Roger does accumulate any no decisions after great performances.

Article Q, Paragraph 8: On days when it is "like really hot," a dome must be constructed. If not, Mike Mussina must cool off Roger with a folded looseleaf paper fan.

Article 1984, Line Tangent: Only Yankee batters on Roger's fantasy team are allowed to get hits and RBIs. In addition, A-Rod needs to start putting up more of those April numbers or risk being dropped from "The Raging Rockets."

After hearing about these sections of the contract, teammate Kyle Farnsworth is quoted as saying "Wow, Roger has a nifty deal there." Obviously Farnsworth as some kind of vendetta against the Cy Young winner, and is only trying to ruin the team chemistry in the Yankee clubhouse.