Kirby

Let me tell you about a little something that really burns my balls. I consider myself a fairly die hard fan of the Super Smash Bros. video game series. I'm decent at it but generally get outclassed by my friends. The reason my friends are so good is because they know how to use Kirby, easily the most dominant player in the game. Kirby has protection with the Down B rock, an Up B uppercut that is an automatic cliff-KO in addition to being very handy in getting back on the ledge, the ability to fucking steal OTHER PEOPLE'S POWERS (in other words, he's down with OPP), and the best overall jumping in the game. All of these features help make up for Kirby's relatively light frame that gets him knocked around Darko in the paint. It is this domination that makes Kirby not only the most fun, but also one of the most unbeatable (if used well) video game characters in history.

Kirby seen here ready to fucking destroy the
Mario brothers with little to no help from Yoshi,
his supposed ally. (Editor's note: Can you
see the pain in his eyes?)

Now, my problem is not with Kirby. Far from it! Boy-o, does I wants me some of that Kirby love. (Gentlemen, we loved the skunk tails.) The problem, my friends, is what they (Hal Laboratories) did to the incredible Kirby in Super Smash Bros. Melee for the Gamecube.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kirby has been completely and totally pussified in Super Smash Bros. Melee. Whereas he was formerly in a class of his own, Fox, Falco, Sheik, Mario, Doctor Mario, Luigi, Samus, and Link can all compete with and beat the shit out of him. His smash moves have been dulled and his Up B is not quite what it used to be. Basically, he's Pistol Pete on the Celtics. I mean, look at this wimp:

I mean, even Rocky's son in Rocky V could beat the shit out of this thing.

My plea is this: Please, Hal Laboratories and Nintendo, give Kirby back his awesomeness. I can not possibly handle another game of Fox beating the shit out of everyone.