Ravens Hire Some Guy No One's Heard of

Otto Von Bismarck may have unified Germany, but not even he knows not who the fuck John Harbaugh is.

After Cowboys offensive coordinator Jason Garrett turned down the head coach position, the Ravens weren't sure where to turn next. Luckily for them, some random coach that no one has ever heard of was more than willing to take the job. John (Jon?) Harbaugh spent the 2007 season as Philadelphia's secondary coach and was very pleased to have gotten the job. "You kiddin' me?," questioned Harbaugh, "I'd never even thought about head coaching until they called me. I coach the secondary! I don't know shit about coaching offensive players and the like."

Ravens quarterback Steve McNair seem confused as to who his new head coach was. "Harborough? No, Harberson? Oh, Harbaugh. Nah, never heard of the guy. He's the new coach?! Shit." It's clear that while this man may not even have existed before today, ESPN tried to pull off the story as if they knew who he was. They didn't, says Stuart Scott: "I was all, wikka-wikka, who is this Harbaugh dude up in this joint?! Ebonics!"

Eagles head coach Andy Reid was too busy doing a line of coke off the 50 yard line to respond. When asked his opinion, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick twirled his imaginary mustache while laughing maniacally and quietly mumbling "all goes according to plan..."