The Chronicles of Scott Van Pelt

Fuck. Another NASCAR highlight.

How much longer do I need to keep this shit eating grin on my face? I hope Lawrence fixed my acoustic, it's just not the same listening to Phish without it. I tried to show Stuart my new lyrics, but that ebonics spewing wacko wouldn't stop shouting on about his "man, the Schwab." Maybe I'll get some nice, relaxing baseball highlights and we can call it a day. Why couldn't I be on Baseball Tonight? They let dumbass Steve Phillips host the show and they wouldn't even give me an audition! The other day he came in with his pants on backwards and tried to play it off like he knew. He didn't. That douche doesn't know Alex Gonzalez from Alex Gonzalez.

Alright, come on Scotty, let's try to relax. In two hours you'll be at "The Last Drop" showing everyone how deep and sensitive you are. Bro, you are so getting laid tonight! Okay, just the Top Ten and we're out.

"Okay so here's your Top Ten plays of the day!" Oh what the shnizz is this, nothing happened today. The biggest sporting event of this miserable day was when Eli Manning started crying midway through our "Sunday Conversation." Goddamit.

10. Grady Sizemore makes a catch. Whatever.
9. Gay.
7. Brodeur makes a save. How the hell is that number seven? Is that even hard to do? It bounced off his skate!
6. Super Gay.
5. Women's College Softball?! What is this!?
4. I forgot number 8! Shit, it's too late for that.
3. Berman is gonna eat my sack when he finds out I skipped over David "Mr." Wright's homer.
2. Ugh this is gonna be worse than the time he thought I stole his bearclaw. That was MY bearclaw, asshole.
1. ...The same Grady Sizemore catch from number 10? Am I the only person who... you know what, forget it. I quit this job. I'm gonna go join Bronson's band and I'll never have to see these fuckers again.