Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Inside the Mets Clubhouse - Where Steve Phillips Has Fully Assumed Control
Monday, April 26, 2010
A Quick Update of Tremendous Proportions
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Discussions That Never Happen at School Board Meetings
Superintendent: Hello everyone, and welcome to a location that is not our high school library!
Audience: Here here! Har har!
Superintendent: Settle down, now, and just raise your right hand to ask a question or your left hand to receive a complimentary hot dog. I'd like to get a report from the president of the board of education.
Board President: Mr. Superintendent, I come to you with nothing but wonderful news. None of our kids have are doing drugs or having unprotected sex, and parental satisfaction, according to a poll on our extremely efficient and in no way outdated website, is at an all-time high of 102 percent!
Superintendent: Wow! You get a raise. In fact, every school employee gets a raise. And the state has decided to pay into your amazing health or retirements plans 100 percent and on a permanent basis!
Board President: I would just like to know that I still find this job exciting and am in no way bitter toward any of the taxpayers in this room.
Parent: I have a question that is relevant, well-informed, and I will not shout or cry for the duration of my statement.
Superintendent: Wonderful, that makes 245 of those kind of questions consecutively.
Parent: Is there any way we could add some more teachers to improve our teacher to student ratio? I feel that one teacher to 10 children is obscene and that our children can't learn in that environment.
Superintendent: Well, based on our excellent negotiations during the last collective bargaining agreement and our smart investments in the stock market during a difficult economic time, we have millions of dollars in surplus money. To answer your question: absolutely! We'll add ten new qualified teachers who finished at the top of their class.
Parent: Thank you, your answering my question allows me to continue working under the delusion that I am making a difference in my community!
Superintendent: Well I think this has been a very efficient meeting, does anyone have a problem if we adjourn after only 27 minutes?
Board President: Let's all go get some beers!
::Everyone claps and laughs. Hooray!::
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Maybe No More Swishin', Dishin' or Percolating for Lee in New York
Wednesday may be David Lee's last game as a Knick. It's a strange circumstance when a one-time all-star, who's only been in the league for five years, and who never came very close to making the playoffs makes an emotional impact on a fan base, but Lee did.
Maybe this eulogy is premature, and it's definitely overly-sentimental. The guy who plays matador defense and who's never going to be the primary scorer on a winning team? This is the guy you want people to connect with? After all, Lee could be back in the blue and orange, and occasionally baby-poop green when the team needs to sell extra jerseys to Irish people, when the team starts playing again in the fall. But even if he's back, the situation will be very different. He won't be the number one guy anymore, unless Isaiah comes back and does terrible Isaiah things. Maybe the Knicks won't get Lebron or Wade, and maybe not even Bosh, but at the very least we're looking at Joe Johnson, Amar'e Stoudemire, Rudy Gay or something else entirely. Even if Donnie Walsh does a bad job in the free agent market, few doubt that the Knicks should be competing for at least a low playoff seed next year.
That should be a positive thing. The Knicks will be a playoff team for the first time since the early part of the last decade (no, Marbury's first year does not count when they lost to the Nets as the eighth seed). The fans will look to move forward and forget about Isaiah, Eddy Curry, Jerome James, Steve Francis, Penny Hardaway, Ronaldo Balkman and many others. Seeing Lee there won't feel right. He'll be rejuvenated like Paul Pierce once Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett jumped on board, probably just thrilled to be there. And really, I hope all that happens. I want the guy to be a winner, and I want him to be a winner as a Knick. I think he could adjust to being the third scoring option and big time offensive rebounder on a contender.
But still, it's the end of an era. If he's a winner, he doesn't stand for what David Lee used to stand for. He becomes a different guy to a fan base without changing himself in any way. After you made jokes about how you were stuck going to see Knicks-Clippers that night, talking about how awful Isaiah was and how fat Curry is, you talked seriously about how great it was that Lee seemed to be getting better by the game and how you appreciated that he hit the offensive glass and worked his ass off every night.
I don't want to say something dopey like suggesting he saved the fans from abandoning the team, because New Yorkers weren't ready to give up, they were just sick of losing. But he made going to the games a lot less embarrassing and gave fans something to cheer about.
He's the rare case where the token, occasionally goofy-looking white guy who you don't take seriously gets progressively better to the point where you see him filling up a stat sheet and ask, "Well when the hell did that happen?" Before last season, it was a serious conversation to talk about whether the Knicks should try to resign Nate Robinson or Lee. Then Robinson imploded and made Lee look like a lock by comparison, but Lee still improved to the point that for the first time he's the team's number one scorer, for better or for worse.
He's no hall of famer, and he's probably not even an all star, and I'm definitely not going to feed you the typical shit that we hear about a star energizing a city like Boston fans did Nomar and how the media talks about the Saints doing to New Orleans. Or, god forbid, how often he smiles and seems to enjoy himself. Just awful. It's not about any of that. David Lee is a good basketball player, and he made watching a terrible, terrible team a little easier to watch. So, whatever happens this summer, happens, but thanks for the slightly less shitty memories.
After This I'm Afraid to Look Up How Herpes Is Spread
Saturday, April 10, 2010
"Clash of the Titans" Ruins Happiness
Friday, April 9, 2010
The At-bat Music the Mets Should Have
Guy 1: You know how we have tons of bad music blaring out of giant speakers at all time during our games?
Guy 2: Uh, YEAH, it's awesome.
Guy 1: I know, I totally agree. But what if we have even more music and let each player pick his own music!
Guy 2: Genius! Now let's smash each other's heads with hammers!
But if we have to have the music, let's at least be honest about it...
Angel Pagan
Song he should have: "Thundercat Freestyle" by Inspectah Deck
Inspectah Deck is an awesome lyricist but maybe the most under-appreciated member of the Wu-Tang Clan. He's effective without being featured very often, just like Pagan had a WAR of 2.8 last year in only 88 games without getting much love. Also, though I am basing this on absolutely nothing, they were both friends with the Ol' Dirty Bastard, which counts for something.
Alex Cora
Song he should have: "Rockstar" by Nickelback
With most popular rock bands, I can at least enjoy them as background music while I'm doing something else, like when I'm saving elderly people from burning buildings. But Nickelback, like Cora's negative .1 WAR last year, actually takes away from my general life experience and makes me hate everything a little more. Just having listened to the song for five seconds so I could copy the link has got my ears all funky.
David Wright
Song he should have: "Cyanide" by Metallica
After a great start to his career, like Metallica's "Ride the Lightning," "Master of Puppets," and "Kill 'Em All," Wright had his worst full season last year, posting career lows in SLG, UZR, WAR, despite an extremely high BABIP of .394. Metallica had an awful stretch including "Load," ReLoad," and "St. Anger." Jesus, those were terrible. But they came back, seemingly out of nowhere, with the awesome "Death Magnetic," just like Wright started off his season with a home run after a big power drought last year. So this one's more hopeful than actual truth but I need to stay away from the ledge as a Mets fan so bare with me.
Jason Bay
Song he should have: "Light My Fire" by The Doors
A really good song by a really good band, but no one's going "Oh my god, Light my Fire!" when it comes on the radio. Also, a bit vanilla and boring, very safe for old people.
Mike Jacobs
Song he should have: "Hammer Smashed Face" by Cannibal Corpse
This song will grow hair on your chest after it makes you poop your pants, but is really only good for massive, raw power. A real battering ram to the face. Just don't expect it to try to get a lame walk to first, buddy.
Jeff Francoeur
Song he should have: "Walk" by Pantera
As in, it's never going to happen. But he seems like a guy who can take a joke (based on all my time in the clubhouse, you see), so maybe this will shame him into taking some more pitches, as he did walk in three straight games to start the year. And just like Pantera was awesome, Francoeur did post a WAR of 3.7 in 2007, so maybe we can assume the assness of his negative 1.2 WAR in 2008 is not going to happen again.
Rod Barajas
Song he should have: "Temporary Secretary" by Paul McCartney
Both are very far down on the list of things you would pick in their respective categories, and like the song says, neither is going to be here for long. Just smile and nod and pretend you get it and wait until it's over, or at least until Josh Thole's ready.
Ruben Tejada
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Curtis Granderson: True Yankee?!
This and Tiger Woods returns tomorrow. Oh, glory be.