My Dog Eats Flint, Too

Inside the Mets Clubhouse - Where Steve Phillips Has Fully Assumed Control

2010-04-27T12:48:00.002-04:00

David Wright: Guys, as a leader on this team, I can't tell you how proud I am of the progress we've made in the last 10 days or so. People have doubted us all year, saying we couldn't pitch, couldn't hit in a big spot, that we didn't have heart. Now we're back over .500 and I think we're ready for competitive baseball all season. I really attribute all this success to--

A crash is heard outside the clubhouse.

Wright: Huh? What was that? ...Whatever. Anyway as I was saying--

Ceiling falls in.

Steve Phillips: I think it has everything to do with my new leadership! Way to go, team!

Wright: Goddammit, Mr. Phillips. I don't want to be disrespectful but we're having a team meeting here.

Phillips: Well that's good because I'm a big part of this team! Ever since I started giving Mrs. Reyes the old Phillips Screwdriver this team has been on fire!

Jerry Manuel: Uh, Mr. Phillips that is uhhhhhhhh.... highly... inappropriate clubhouse decorum.

Phillips: Who gave you permission to talk?! YOU'RE THE LAUNDRY BOY NOW! ISN'T THAT RIGHT, LAUNDRY BOY?!

Manuel: Yes, sir.

Jose Reyes: Hey, Phillips, eat shit. I'm just kind of shocked that she's down with this whole thing.

Phillips: Well she's a real team player, unlike your selfish ass! Let's get back to business here. I really like the way you've been playing lately, Pelf. You're a goddam matador out there. You toy with those batters! Your playing third base tonight!

Wright: What! This is bullshit. He's never even been a position player!

Phillips walks over to Wright and tasers him. Wright falls and convulses on the floor.

Mike Pelfrey: Jesus Christ!

Phillips: Now how do you feel about playing third tonight, Mike?

Pelfrey: Yes, sir! Whatever you say, sir!

Phillips: That's what I thought! Whoever plays the best tonight gets to tagteam Jose's wife with me! OH BABY!

Jose: God damn.

A Quick Update of Tremendous Proportions

2010-04-26T23:09:00.004-04:00

I am awfully swamped at the moment with finals week for school, hoping to have a few updates this weekend. If you're feeling generous, donate some money to the Teach Dwight Howard to Shoot Free Throws Foundation. It's a good cause.

Discussions That Never Happen at School Board Meetings

2010-04-17T00:54:00.003-04:00

Bud Selig is... your school's superintendent. Image: Source

Superintendent: Hello everyone, and welcome to a location that is not our high school library!

Audience: Here here! Har har!

Superintendent: Settle down, now, and just raise your right hand to ask a question or your left hand to receive a complimentary hot dog. I'd like to get a report from the president of the board of education.

Board President: Mr. Superintendent, I come to you with nothing but wonderful news. None of our kids have are doing drugs or having unprotected sex, and parental satisfaction, according to a poll on our extremely efficient and in no way outdated website, is at an all-time high of 102 percent!

Superintendent: Wow! You get a raise. In fact, every school employee gets a raise. And the state has decided to pay into your amazing health or retirements plans 100 percent and on a permanent basis!

Board President: I would just like to know that I still find this job exciting and am in no way bitter toward any of the taxpayers in this room.

Parent: I have a question that is relevant, well-informed, and I will not shout or cry for the duration of my statement.

Superintendent: Wonderful, that makes 245 of those kind of questions consecutively.

Parent: Is there any way we could add some more teachers to improve our teacher to student ratio? I feel that one teacher to 10 children is obscene and that our children can't learn in that environment.

Superintendent: Well, based on our excellent negotiations during the last collective bargaining agreement and our smart investments in the stock market during a difficult economic time, we have millions of dollars in surplus money. To answer your question: absolutely! We'll add ten new qualified teachers who finished at the top of their class.

Parent: Thank you, your answering my question allows me to continue working under the delusion that I am making a difference in my community!

Superintendent: Well I think this has been a very efficient meeting, does anyone have a problem if we adjourn after only 27 minutes?

Board President: Let's all go get some beers!

::Everyone claps and laughs. Hooray!::

Maybe No More Swishin', Dishin' or Percolating for Lee in New York

2010-04-14T20:16:00.015-04:00

Holds the NBA record for most games played shirtless with one. Image: source.

Wednesday may be David Lee's last game as a Knick. It's a strange circumstance when a one-time all-star, who's only been in the league for five years, and who never came very close to making the playoffs makes an emotional impact on a fan base, but Lee did.

Maybe this eulogy is premature, and it's definitely overly-sentimental. The guy who plays matador defense and who's never going to be the primary scorer on a winning team? This is the guy you want people to connect with? After all, Lee could be back in the blue and orange, and occasionally baby-poop green when the team needs to sell extra jerseys to Irish people, when the team starts playing again in the fall. But even if he's back, the situation will be very different. He won't be the number one guy anymore, unless Isaiah comes back and does terrible Isaiah things. Maybe the Knicks won't get Lebron or Wade, and maybe not even Bosh, but at the very least we're looking at Joe Johnson, Amar'e Stoudemire, Rudy Gay or something else entirely. Even if Donnie Walsh does a bad job in the free agent market, few doubt that the Knicks should be competing for at least a low playoff seed next year.

That should be a positive thing. The Knicks will be a playoff team for the first time since the early part of the last decade (no, Marbury's first year does not count when they lost to the Nets as the eighth seed). The fans will look to move forward and forget about Isaiah, Eddy Curry, Jerome James, Steve Francis, Penny Hardaway, Ronaldo Balkman and many others. Seeing Lee there won't feel right. He'll be rejuvenated like Paul Pierce once Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett jumped on board, probably just thrilled to be there. And really, I hope all that happens. I want the guy to be a winner, and I want him to be a winner as a Knick. I think he could adjust to being the third scoring option and big time offensive rebounder on a contender.

But still, it's the end of an era. If he's a winner, he doesn't stand for what David Lee used to stand for. He becomes a different guy to a fan base without changing himself in any way. After you made jokes about how you were stuck going to see Knicks-Clippers that night, talking about how awful Isaiah was and how fat Curry is, you talked seriously about how great it was that Lee seemed to be getting better by the game and how you appreciated that he hit the offensive glass and worked his ass off every night.

I don't want to say something dopey like suggesting he saved the fans from abandoning the team, because New Yorkers weren't ready to give up, they were just sick of losing. But he made going to the games a lot less embarrassing and gave fans something to cheer about.

He's the rare case where the token, occasionally goofy-looking white guy who you don't take seriously gets progressively better to the point where you see him filling up a stat sheet and ask, "Well when the hell did that happen?" Before last season, it was a serious conversation to talk about whether the Knicks should try to resign Nate Robinson or Lee. Then Robinson imploded and made Lee look like a lock by comparison, but Lee still improved to the point that for the first time he's the team's number one scorer, for better or for worse.

He's no hall of famer, and he's probably not even an all star, and I'm definitely not going to feed you the typical shit that we hear about a star energizing a city like Boston fans did Nomar and how the media talks about the Saints doing to New Orleans. Or, god forbid, how often he smiles and seems to enjoy himself. Just awful. It's not about any of that. David Lee is a good basketball player, and he made watching a terrible, terrible team a little easier to watch. So, whatever happens this summer, happens, but thanks for the slightly less shitty memories.

After This I'm Afraid to Look Up How Herpes Is Spread

2010-04-14T20:09:00.008-04:00

An actual public service poster in a Long Island high school's bathroom. Some kid taking a piss probably thinks he's going to have full blown AIDS next time he polishes off a six pack. This sign is like saying that shaking hands with Magic Johnson could lead to HIV. IMAGINE THE POSSIBILITIES!

"Clash of the Titans" Ruins Happiness

2010-04-10T14:24:00.020-04:00

Spoilers, if for some reason you haven't seen this movie but really want to. You are wrong for wanting to see it. I know I was.

-A close recreation of dialogue between Perseus and everyone:

Everyone: Perseus, use your demigod abilities, it's our only chance.

Perseus: Never!

Everyone: Persesus, use your demigod abilities, it's our only chance.

Perseus: Never!

Everyone: We're all dead now, by the way.

Perseus. Now I shall embrace my demigod powers and use them for good!

-There are two female leads. Andromeda, princess of Argos, and Io, a demigod whose rape by Zeus is casually glossed over. Andromeda has no personality and Io is annoying. The actresses look similar and each wears a white toga for the entire movie. They could have tightened the movie a bit by making those characters only one part.

-Throughout the movie, the gods and supporting characters remark how terrible the consequences will be if the Krakken is unleashed. Before the opening credits, the narrator can't even describe the creature, calling it "unspeakable." So you would imagine that showing the monster is going to be some kind of big reveal at the end of the movie and that it's going to be a great moment. Except... the Krakken coming out of the ocean was in almost every trailer, so it was not at all a big deal when they finally showed it.

-Uses the exact same protagonist, Perseus, as a kid's movie that came out in February, "Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief." Both movies also use the Medusa head as the ultimate weapon to stop huge monsters. I know this is a remake, but the concept felt tired after having watched the same tool in both movies, especially when "The Lightning Thief" did it better eight weeks ago. Plus "The Lightning Thief" had Pierce Brosnan. YOWZA, what a centaur stud.

-There's the Star Wars prequels problem of not having a reason to root for the main characters other than the movie telling you that you should root for them. Perseus has no personality and his human companions, who you know are going to get unceremoniously slaughtered at some point, are much easier to root for.

-Nit picky, but: The Kraken is not in Greek mythology. I wouldn't care about that if the monster were interesting, but it's introduced and then killed two minutes later. And yeah, I know the Kraken was in the 1981 version of the movie; it's still stupid.

-Liam Neeson. It's like the director had to dangle Neeson's paycheck next to the camera while filming. He's the only really good actor in the movie and just doesn't have the ass-kicking presence he usually does, despite being the most powerful Greek god. Also, his glowing suit of armor looks ridiculous. Ralph Fiennes does a pretty good job as Voldemo-- err, Hades.

-A close recreation of the dialogue between Zeus and Hades that starts the conflict:

Hades: Hey brother Zeus, I totally have no bitterness over you screwing me over hundreds of years ago. Listen to my plan that will create major bloodshed over a minor problem.

Zeus: Hey Hades, everyone thinks you suck so you should just get out of there.

Hades: No, seriously, just do it.

Zeus. Eh, ok.

-Hades arbitrarily sets up a 10 day time period before he will summon the Kraken, and the soldiers with Perseus travel to see the witches for prophecies of the future. Despite the 10 day wait period, they skip days at a time of their travels and apparently nothing happens. Why not just make it three days where you show exactly what happens?

Grade: Very suck.

The At-bat Music the Mets Should Have

2010-04-09T17:16:00.013-04:00

Many years ago, someone thought it would be a good idea to place 10 seconds of a song as each hitter on the home team came to bat. The conversation went something like this:

Guy 1: You know how we have tons of bad music blaring out of giant speakers at all time during our games?
Guy 2: Uh, YEAH, it's awesome.
Guy 1: I know, I totally agree. But what if we have even more music and let each player pick his own music!
Guy 2: Genius! Now let's smash each other's heads with hammers!

But if we have to have the music, let's at least be honest about it...

Silly Jerry, you're supposed to manage, not hit! (Photo from nytimes.com)

Angel Pagan
Song he should have: "Thundercat Freestyle" by Inspectah Deck
Inspectah Deck is an awesome lyricist but maybe the most under-appreciated member of the Wu-Tang Clan. He's effective without being featured very often, just like Pagan had a WAR of 2.8 last year in only 88 games without getting much love. Also, though I am basing this on absolutely nothing, they were both friends with the Ol' Dirty Bastard, which counts for something.

Alex Cora
Song he should have: "Rockstar" by Nickelback
With most popular rock bands, I can at least enjoy them as background music while I'm doing something else, like when I'm saving elderly people from burning buildings. But Nickelback, like Cora's negative .1 WAR last year, actually takes away from my general life experience and makes me hate everything a little more. Just having listened to the song for five seconds so I could copy the link has got my ears all funky.

David Wright
Song he should have: "Cyanide" by Metallica
After a great start to his career, like Metallica's "Ride the Lightning," "Master of Puppets," and "Kill 'Em All," Wright had his worst full season last year, posting career lows in SLG, UZR, WAR, despite an extremely high BABIP of .394. Metallica had an awful stretch including "Load," ReLoad," and "St. Anger." Jesus, those were terrible. But they came back, seemingly out of nowhere, with the awesome "Death Magnetic," just like Wright started off his season with a home run after a big power drought last year. So this one's more hopeful than actual truth but I need to stay away from the ledge as a Mets fan so bare with me.

Jason Bay
Song he should have: "Light My Fire" by The Doors
A really good song by a really good band, but no one's going "Oh my god, Light my Fire!" when it comes on the radio. Also, a bit vanilla and boring, very safe for old people.

Mike Jacobs
Song he should have: "Hammer Smashed Face" by Cannibal Corpse
This song will grow hair on your chest after it makes you poop your pants, but is really only good for massive, raw power. A real battering ram to the face. Just don't expect it to try to get a lame walk to first, buddy.

Jeff Francoeur
Song he should have: "Walk" by Pantera
As in, it's never going to happen. But he seems like a guy who can take a joke (based on all my time in the clubhouse, you see), so maybe this will shame him into taking some more pitches, as he did walk in three straight games to start the year. And just like Pantera was awesome, Francoeur did post a WAR of 3.7 in 2007, so maybe we can assume the assness of his negative 1.2 WAR in 2008 is not going to happen again.

Rod Barajas
Song he should have: "Temporary Secretary" by Paul McCartney
Both are very far down on the list of things you would pick in their respective categories, and like the song says, neither is going to be here for long. Just smile and nod and pretend you get it and wait until it's over, or at least until Josh Thole's ready.

Ruben Tejada

Song he should have: "Everyday Struggle" by The Notorious B.I.G.

For two reasons: watching him struggle to play hurts me, and when Reyes gets back he'll be struggling to get playing time. And Reyes will be totally healthy this time. Maybe. Probably not. How about day-to-day for the next five months? Very comforting.

Johan Santana

Song he should have: "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen

Lots and lots of nonstop excellence, unless you have an elbow injury, or contract HIV.

Jerry Manuel

Song he should have: "confused puppy" by some guy on YouTube.

Yeah that about sums up Jerry. "You see, uh... the canine... appears to... uh... be uncertain of its surroundings."

Curtis Granderson: True Yankee?!

2010-04-08T01:10:00.002-04:00

HE'S AWREADY BETTA DAN A-ROD, YO: Curtis Granderson hit a game-winning home run against the Red Sox tonight, so you know what that means: the papers and radio talking about whether or not this gives Granderson "True Yankee" status. Yeah, I don't know what it means either. I think the whole concept started at Duke.

This and Tiger Woods returns tomorrow. Oh, glory be.

Rick Reilly, FJM Style: Because Someone Has to Do It.

2010-04-07T23:29:00.006-04:00

Picture from espn.com

I think we're going to make this a weekly feature, mocking at least one internet writer. Because I'm such a successful, wealthy, and established writer that I can do things like this, clearly. Anyway, we start with Rick Reilly. Rick's words in bold, mine in regular type.

Here is the question now about this new, softer, calmer, suddenly huggable Tiger Woods:

You mean huggable in the sense that he hooked up with so many women who literally hugged him? Because there is no other way this guy is huggable. He must smell like bad sex all the time. Most of the adjectives in that sentence don't actually mean anything. New? Ehhh. What the hell is softer?

What if the same insatiable hunger that fueled his sex drive is the same insatiable hunger that fueled his golf drive?

What if becoming a better person makes him a lesser golfer?

Being forced to stop banging chicks who are not your wife to avoid losing more sponsors and money in a divorce do not make you a better person.

I remember when Woods was 21 and leading the 1997 Masters by 12 shots with only four holes to play. It was basically a coronation parade in spiked shoes. On 15, he hit a meaningless shot from the rough that, for some reason, just fried his brain. He reached back and slammed down his club, just missing the skull of a small boy who'd snuck close just to touch him.

And I thought: Oh, my God. Nothing's ever going to be enough for this kid.

You really thought that based on one shot, when that's something most golfers do after a bad shot? That's kind of creepy.

As a golf fan, you have to wonder: Now that he says he's changed, will his hit-man instincts change, too?

He is not a hit-man. He does not kill people. He is very good at playing golf. It seems that he has hit-man instincts because he is so good at golf.

After 45 days of addiction therapy and four months of shame and three years of "lying to myself," you wouldn't have recognized the man who sat before the world Monday in his first press conference since he knocked over a fire hydrant and ignited his life.

I recognized him. He looks exactly the same and talked exactly the same, except this time it was about sexing porn stars. If it were on mute I would have thought he were talking about some boring golf tournament.

Woods said things like:

"Did you see the rack on the girl working in the gift shop? Jesus, I have to get her number lat-- Shit. Uh... I played well today."

"I just took it all in today [on his practice round]."

Oh. Well that's boring.

(This from a guy who I once saw blow by Nike chairman Phil Knight and his own mother, Tida, outside the Augusta National clubhouse like they were patio chairs.)

"My anecdotal evidence based on a contextless situation proves that Tiger is a horrible man!"

And ... "I want to be able to help people. ... If I win championships along the way, so be it."

And ... "It's not about championships. It's about how you live your life."

(OK, I'm really going to have to see some ID.)

That's our first rimshot moment.

Look, worldwide humiliation and the fear of losing your family will change a man. I hope Woods really does believe it's about the way you live your life and not about championships. But what if the very traits that left him in the TMZ gutter -- self-obsession, a limitless appetite for domination, me-first-ism to the extreme -- are the same traits that delivered those championships?

Tiger Woods will not suddenly be bad at golf because he can't cheat on his wife anymore. You can't just connect things that happen in his life and assume he'll now suck at golf.

I hope not, but you wonder. We don't usually build statues of nice, helpful, well-balanced men.

There are literally hundreds of statues that would like to have a word with you right now, such as Jesus, Martin Luther King, and of course Endy Chavez.

Exhibit A: Ben Hogan. A tournament winning machine and, by all accounts, one of the most miserable curs to ever stripe a 2-iron.

A cur, you say! Why I challenge you to a duel, you rapscallion!

Exhibit B: Michael Jordan. Did you hear his Hall of Fame speech? Seven years after he'd won everything, he was still trying to step on his enemies' Adam's apples.

Michael Jordan is an asshole. This is not a secret. He is an asshole who is the best basketball player ever. Why should it matter?

Exhibit C: Barry Bonds. Seven MVPs and almost as many friends.

Jesus I would be truly shocked to learn that Barry Bonds has seven friends.

Brad Faxon is a nice guy. Fred Funk, too. But Tiger Woods? He used to be the guy who ran the sword through your spleen, then danced on your corpse. Is that guy gone?

Hyperbole! "We'll miss the Tiger the serial killer/golfer, and especially the Tiger who blotted out the sun as a way to force residents of his community to pay him for power."

I once took a back-country snowcat ski trip with a bunch of buddies in Colorado.

Ooh another anectdote!

Turned out Woods and his buddies had rented the snowcat the week before. I asked the guide how Woods skis.

"I've never seen a guy get so mad at himself," the guide said. "He's just learning, but every time he'd fall, he'd throw his poles and swear. He wanted to beat his buddies down the hill so bad."

He's programmed to be the best. The only professional job he's ever had is to literally be the best person ever to play his sport.

In addiction therapy, you hear these words a hundred times: acceptance, serenity, vulnerability. But not in a million years would you have heard those words applied to pre-hydrant Woods. The words arrogant, unquenchable, bulletproof, maybe.

This is not relevant to playing golf.

If Tiger Woods is going to save his marriage and save his life, he'll have to be unselfish in the ultimate selfish game. Can't you just see it? He's studying a putt when he suddenly looks up and goes, "No, go ahead, take the call, ma'am. I'm in no hurry."

Playing golf to win does not make you a selfish person. He's not beating people with clubs on his way to the hole. He just has to get a lower score than other people who are playing the same game as him.

He vows no more "entitlement." But Tiger Woods always played as though the trophy had his name engraved on it when he showed up Tuesday.

I don't understand this part. How can you play a full four days of golf as if you'd already won? I think that would just make him an even better golfer if he could win a tournament despite dicking around for four days.

He vows to "tone down my negative outbursts and ... my positive outbursts." But can he win without the fist pump? Can he win without passion?

I think he's referring to having his caddy take people's cameras away, not pumping his fist. Unless he's pumping that fist into someone's face, which would make for great television.

He vows to follow Buddhism, but Buddhism teaches "the greatest effort is not concerned with results." Has the Buddha heard of Jack Nicklaus?

"I'm going to make a blanket statement about a religion based on one contextless quote that says you should note compete."

Who knows? Maybe this whole Tiger Woods 2.0 will be even better on the course. He talked Monday about finally having "fun" again playing golf. He talked about wanting to find "balance."

So... you're saying that there was really no need for this column

Who had his life in better balance than Nicklaus himself, who loved tennis as much as golf and his wife more than the two combined?

Equation of Jack Nicklaus' life, where g = golf, t = tennis, and w = wife: 2w = .5t + .5g

I'm thrilled for Woods that he seems to have found the first few rungs of a very long ladder out of his troubles. Even his face seemed lighter and brighter than it did last year.

Ugh.

Maybe all those creepy secrets sag right through your mind to your eyelids. He seems to finally understand that even though his own father painted him as a god walking the earth, the same mortal rules apply to him: You can't cheat on your wife with your own personal harem and figure you can get away with it. But you wonder if golf's truest rule will also apply: 99 percent of the field loses.

I had a brief seizure because of the above sentences because, well, just read them.

Toward the end of Monday's press conference, somebody asked Woods if he almost "wanted" to get caught.

"Oh, yeah, it was all part of my grand plan. I'm so excited that everyone hates me and I lost a lot of money and maybe my wife, it all worked out so well for me."

He shook his head and said, "All I know is, I acted just terribly, poorly, made just incredibly bad decisions, and decisions that hurt so many people close to me. That's enough."

Translation: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaamit.

So there it is. The kid finally got enough.

Nah he just finally got caught, otherwise he'd be in a hot tub with Penny Flame right now.

Inside the Mets Clubhouse, Again

2010-04-06T12:55:00.005-04:00

Jerry Manuel: Men that was uhhhhhhhh a great uhhhhhh win... out there today. We uhhhhh really played.... well I guess you could uh... say.... WELL. We played well. I'm uhhhhhh proud of the uhhhh job you guys did out there uhhhhh on this particular afternoon. Do any of you uhhhh have any.... words uhhhhh to say?

David Wright: Guys, I'm really proud of what we did out there today. A lot of people doubted us coming into the season, but I think today was a great step in the right direction. We just need to loud crash outside the clubhouse what was that?

Steve Phillips: THAT WAS SOME GREAT BASEBALL OUT THERE TODAY, BOYS!

Manuel: Uh... Mr. Phillips uhhhhhhh... you were released from your uhhhhh duties... several years ago.

Phillips: Are you talking about that Minaya guy? Looks like his green card expired, 'cause I sent him back to the Dominican! OH BABY!

Sean Green: Dude he's a legal U.S. citizen, you can't do that.

Phillips: I can do whatever I want, I drafted David Wright! Remember David? Do you remember our courtship? My phone calls?

Wright: Uh, not really.

Phillips: We forget you anyway, David! Point is, now, I've made some mistakes in my life. Cheating on my wife with coworkers and spewing horribly misinformed baseball analysis, I mean... I just feel awful about all of that. So I'm finally coming back from my leave of absence from the Mets to be the general manager AND manager! I'm back, boys!

Jose Reyes: No no no no no no no no no, this is not good.

Rod Barajas: What's the big deal, man? He seems like a fun guy.

Reyes: You have no idea what it used to be like. This is very bad.

Phillips: Jose you will shut your mouth or I will rip out your thyroid and hyper-activate it for you! First order of business: bring me your wife!

Reyes: Goddam it, not this again.

Phillips: Things are going to change around here, boys, so get ready for a winning culture!

Where Fans Curse Me Out for Wearing a Jets Jersey to a Mets Game - Opening Day

2010-04-05T21:02:00.007-04:00

"Hey, is this Pat Holohan? Jets suck, fuck you."

So because I am lazy and haven't washed any of my Mets clothes, I only had a Curtis Martin Jets jersey ready to go as New York paraphernalia for the game. This led to a few J-E-T-S chants and fist bumps (the two marks of true sports intellectuals like myself), but mostly Giants fans (I would imagine, Bills fans seem too sedate and suicidal for that sort of thing) telling me off.

"Curtis Martin sucks! Curtis Martin is gay!"
"Heyyyyyy Jets fuckin' suck faggot! Fuck you!"
"Curtis Martin is gay! Fuck you asshole!
"J-E-T-S Jets fuckin' suck!"

And so on. Very bizarre to be a villain wearing your team's jersey in your own city, but I thought about what Coach Rex would have done:

"I will facefuck you, boys! RIDE 'EM COWBOY!"

And felt awesome.

So a few nice additions to the ballpark:

A video screen in left field. They needed this last year because many fans sitting in left field couldn't see many of the plays happening in the left field corner. which was a problem considering the disaster that was Danny Murphy. Unfortunately, they only showed about half the plays in the left field corner, making me wonder what's the point of having it if they're only going to show Rod Barajas' face.

They shrunk the center field wall a bit (this is not the blog for specifics), making home runs, obviously, easier, and making the back wall in general look like more of a ballpark and less like something that is not a ballpark.

The Mets museum in the Jackie Robinson Rotunda (having the rotunda allows us to see the same eight clips of Jackie Robinson for the next fifty years. He never played for the Mets, by the way. I MUST BE RACIST FOR SAYING THAT.) is a nice touch.

There's still a lot of dopey stuff like the constant pop music, weird choices in organ music, and contests between innings.

Also, they put the Shea Stadium home run apple outside of the stadium, and it looks excellent.

And It Didn't Take Michael Kay Long to Get Into Midseason Form

2010-04-04T23:00:00.011-04:00

(Image from fullcountpitch.com)

Some highlights from tonight's Yankees-Red Sox game:

The Yes Network finally added OBP to the infographic that they show at the bottom of the screen when players come up. It had previously been BA, HR, and RBI, and I was hoping that they'd get rid of RBI, but I guess that's here to stay for now. It would be nice to add SLG but I don't think we're quite there yet.

Yes also added a constant pitch count in the score box at the top of the screen, making them, as far as I know (having checked nowhere but my memory, but still) the first network to have this up there. This led to Michael Kay simultaneously praising Yes for having it there but trashing baseball for being so concerned with pitch counts, which makes sense to everyone, if by everyone you mean Michael Kay.

Yes had a commercial for Slomin's home security that had me almost on the floor with laughter. Bad dialogue, worse acting. I look forward to a full season of local commercials from Yes and SNY. A quick top three local commercials in New York history:
1. Computer Mechanics on Calll
To start, the Long Island accents really get me in the right frame of mind for this one. The chubby guy with the stacks of paper... why does he have so much paper? If they're having a network problem, doesn't that imply that all the reports are online to begin with? Isn't this guy just adding to the problem by crumpling dozens of important documents in his hands? Also, the boss who says they need to call the geek, he just abandons all responsibility. "Network problem? Shit, I have no IDEA what to do! Underlings, figure this out!"
2. Giuseppe Franco This one gets better with time because I've seen him interviewed on SNY and he is the exact same guy from the commercials. He does a bro-hug with Gary Busey, as if that's going to make any sane person want to buy his hair product... one of the guys who speaks on behalf of the product phones his statement in, and it sounds like the guy is in a tunnel. They use that instead of literally any production assistant just reading two sentences on a piece of paper... risk free trial!
3. Two Brothers Scrap Metal - Apparently video doesn't exist on the internet for this one. It's a 30 second Jersey Shore audition that encourages you to make the most of what must be many opportunities to dispose of scrap metal laying around your house.

For some reason, Daryl Strawberry is throwing out the first pitch at Shea tomorrow. Go Mets. Yowza.

Why We Reject Advanced Statistical Analysis

2010-04-04T09:45:00.002-04:00

You have to understand, son, there's something poetic about the game of baseball. Here's a game where you have to take a cylindrical bat and a round ball and stand 60 feet, six inches away from a man who's going to hurl it in front of you. And you have to hit that squarely, see? Hit it where they ain't and cause havoc on the basepaths.

Now, we don't want you up there looking to get a walk. You ever heard the saying about what singles hitters drive? Same type of situation. Get up there and be a slugger, a real five tooler.

We can measure these things with our eyes, boy. Some people may tell you you're not selling jeans, but there's a certain look that the good ones have. Something behind the eyes. A cold determination, you see. It's about men who can buckle down and shut out the outside world.

Now, don't get me wrong, son. We need some kind of tangible evidence to determine exactly what our boys are doing up there. We got those numbers, though. You ever heard of a triple crown? Homeruns, RBIs, and batting average. That tells you about everything you need to know, don't' it? Power, hitting, helping the team score. There's a beautiful simplicity to it.

Now some people are going to tell you you need fancy stats, all sorts of words that don't mean nothing. VORP? Gimme a break. We had our old stats since the 1800's! And they're gonna tell me they're the geniuses that are gonna do it all different and make it better? Bunch of eggheads. Probably never smelled the grass of a baseball team.

Why, I met one fella last week who told me that Ben Zobrist was one of the best players in baseball. Now, Zobrist ain't a bad player, but one of the best? He's no Derek Jeter. You see the way the captain stands in at the box. That's what a real hitter looks like.

Firsthand Thoughts on Spring Training

2010-04-04T01:39:00.005-04:00

Old people, housewives, or burnouts work at Tradition Field (which apparently became Digital Domain Ballpark, or something like that, a couple of days before I arrived.) The old people are confused. They're thrilled to be there. Out of the house. Contributing. Helping people eat fried dough and find their parking spaces.

The women are maybe the jolliest of all. They joke with you, try to get a bite of your food, want to take a minute to talk. Working for the Mets is a thrill, and everything is a joke. Eighty percent new people everyday, whether they be tourists or Cardinals fans taking a short trip.

I don't know what used to happen to people who were strung out. I'm not in the drug scene. I'll drink a bit but that's about it. I know some friends who are on that. Not a particularly good or bad scene in either direction. It just exists. But these guys are kind of done, in the Harry Potter-ghost sort of way. They'll give me my funnel cake or ice cream but there's really something missing behind the eyes. It keeps me from enjoying any of the things I buy from them. I want to shake a fist but I end up just sitting down and pacifying myself with sugary foods. Edit: I was clearly not in a rational state of mind when I wrote this paragraph but uh... I'm gonna keep it.

These people set the mood at Tradition Field, because they set the structure. They create the mood because they control the food and the money. The score doesn't matter, and who's playing generally doesn't matter. With that, all things are equal. This gives the employees greater control than they'd previously had to unintentionally control a game. It just happens that way. A bases loaded jam in the sixth is less important than your snack in the fifth.

It's a different universe. In Flushing, you can always count on the focus always coming back to the home team. Not true in Port St. Lucie. My attention drifts. Why sit and watch these men? They're just practicing. But we can get close to them. You can hear my voice on tv if I yell loud enough you fucks.

Here's a place where we watch baseball happens but ERA, RBI, and OBA don't matter, and even VORP, WAR, FIP, and BABIP don't really matter. But we'll sit, we'll watch. It just seems like the right thing to do. I need my fix.

These Are Things That Happen at Spring Training

2010-04-04T01:06:00.003-04:00

The bullpen pitchers are professionals at more than one thing. These are men who can throw balls at ridiculous speed and angles, better than anyone on the planet except for the five men in the rotation who start the games. They finish games. They come in when situations become difficult.

They are also professionals at ignoring the people in the stands. I do not fault them for this. It's a necessity of being a bullpen pitcher at spring training. You make millions of dollars, and the response is probably going to get negative. Putting the news stories together, I can estimate that Bobby Parnell had probably been told before the game, or a day earlier, that he was not going to make the big league roster for opening day. Or, maybe he knew all along.

Poing is, this guy knew. And he had to sit there, do exactly what they told him to do, and sign autographs for a bunch of people who didn't know anything about him more than that he threw a baseball at high speeds and that he had a uniform. He did not have a smile on his face while signing. This makes him a selfish man. He makes millions of dollars. He should happily sign autographs.

So they disconnect. They learn, after a while, that they have to totally ignore everything that the crowd does short of throwing projectiles at them. How do they do that? How do you train yourself to completely ignore dozens of people around you?

"Can you sign for me?" they ask. They don't know his first name. Why would they? He's a middling reliever on a bad team. Who gives a shit. It's an AUTOGRAPH, man. Little kids hang over the edge. Mothers encourage their children to get autographs of men they don't know. Their names are on the backs of their jerseys.

The fucking bullpen catchers sign autographs. It's probably against their contract. They shouldn't. It's dishonest. But why would they not sign? You don't pass up fame, and you don't pass up admiration if you're starved for it. You'll never get in a game. But they want you. They need to justify their trip. They need a man's signature.

So they create their own world. Bobby Parnell, Sean Green, Pedro Feliciano, Jenrry Mejia. K-rod isn't there, but it would be the same thing.

"Are you signing?"

They're going home to a wife, a girlfriend, a family, a beer, a group of buddies.

"Can you sign?"

We don't care who you are, we just want your name. We spent so much money on this trip. We deserve your name. Sign a part of yourself over to us. You know how much we pay for these tickets? This parking? This concession? You're a fucking ROLE model, man.

So you create a world. You make something up, because otherwise you have to look people in the eye. You have to tell these people, "I see you. I see you, and I don't care. Leave me alone. I'm doing my job. I'm scared. I might not get this guy out. Leave me be and let me work."

But there's a tension. I paid for this. You're right here. I can't throw this ball. ACKNOWLEDGE me.

Feliciano will massage his fellow bullpen mates. Parnell's going to sit in his chair and relax. Olly just wants to talk to the fellas. This ain't a fucking sideshow. We're trying to work. These are grown-ass men.

So now you're Palahniuk. You get it. It makes sense. You're going to analyze them. I am a writer, I must comment on the inner workings of these human beings. Fuck them anyway, it should be us. We'd put the money to good use. We'd appreciate it. Shit, you pay me that much, I'll sign autographs.

I'm at work, you fuck. I'm talking to my coworkers. Eat shit. Eat your funnelcake. Let me throw the ball, and let's just pretend each other isn't here. Have that much respect.

Final Round!

2010-02-09T17:06:00.012-05:00

Steve and I didn't include picks for the Super Bowl because our previous picks can only be described as "very ass."

1. Bambrick 532
QB: Painter 0, Brunell 0
RB: Addai 26, Thomas 20
WR: Wayne 9, Meachem 2, Henderson 14
TE: Clark 15
K: Hartley 11

2. Little Curry 514
QB:mark brunell 0, curtis painter 0
RB:Joseph addai 26, pierre thomas 20
WR:devery henderson 14, austin collie 12, pieree garcon 17
TE: jeremy shockey 10
K:garrett hartley 11

3. Canova 500
Coming to the Super-bowl with a full roster of Super-Duper Sports-Stars

Peyton “Better than Curtis Painter” Manning 18
Andrew Christopher Brees 22
Pierre Garcon 17
Austin Collie 12
Devery Henderson 14
Pierre Thomas 20
Joseph Addai 26
Jeremy Shockey 10
Matt Stover 4

“You can run, but you can’t hide. Bank that one Mother-Fucker”
-George W. Bush*-

*Presidential Inauguration

4. Curry 470
QB: Brunell 0, Painter 0
WR: Wayne 9, Garcon 17, Colston 15
RB: Addai 26, Thomas 20
TE: Shockey 10
K: Stover 4

5. Ethan 447
"Last game of the year Brent. Can't hold anything back now."

QB: Drew Brees 22 (NO), Mark Brunnel 0 (NO)
RB: Pierre Thomas 20 (NO), Mike Bell 0 (NO)
WR: Devery Henderson 14 (NO), Reggie Wayne 9 (IND), Pierre Garcon 17 (IND)
TE: Dallas Clark 15 (IND)
K: Matt Stover 4 (IND)

6. Holohan 379
7. Steve 330

And your winner is Chris Bambrick!
Steve is the beanpicker.

Playoff Pool - Championship Weekend!

2010-01-24T14:56:00.004-05:00

1. Bambrick 437
QB: Drew Brees 23, Payton Manning 32
RB: Adrian Peterson 32, Reggie Bush 10
WR: Marques Colston 4, Jerricho Cotchery 15, Percy Harvin 8
TE: Dustin Keller 18
K: Jay Feely 3

2. Little Curry 404
QB:drew brees 23, peyton manning 32
RB:shonn greene 4,reggie bush 10
WR: Reggie wayne 8, percy harvin 8, lance moore 1
TE: dalas clark 13
K:ryan longwel 4

3. Holohan 379
QB: Mark Sanchez 20, Drew Breesus 23
RB: Shonn Greene 4, Adrian Peterson 32
WR: Jericho Cotchery 15, Sydney Rice 14, Marques Colston 4
TE: Visanthe Shiancock 12
K: Jay Feely 3

4. Curry 367
You see, I've been saving all my good players for this week.
QB 1: Peyton Manning 32
QB 2: Drew Brees 23
WR 1: Percy Harvin 8
WR 2: Sidney Rice 14
WR 3: Devery Henderson 13
RB 1: Adrian Peterson 32
RB 2: Reggie Bush 10
TE: Dallas Clark 13
K: Jay Feely 3

5. Canova 357
“To all the Jet fans who ‘strategically’ took the Sanchize last week… thinking your team would lose… you disgust me!”
QB 1 – THE Mark Sanchize 20
QB 2 – Brett Favre 12
WR 1 –Jerricho Cotchery 15
WR 2 – Sidney Rice 14
WR 3 – Bernard Berrian 17
RB 1 – The playoffs leading rusher -- Shonn Greene 4
RB 2 – Superstar Reggie Bush 10
TE 1 – Dallas Clark 13
K 1 – Garrett Hartley 7

Still got Drew and Peyton!!! Someone’s smelling week 4 comeback!!!!

6. Ethan 346
"Fuck all y'all."
QB
1) Peyton Manning 32 (IND)
2) Brad Smith 3 (NYJ) (Oooooooooh, interesting. what is he thinking?)
RB
1) Adrian Peterson 32 (MIN)
2)Joseph Addai 8 (IND)
WR
1) Sidney Rice 14 (MIN)
2) Braylon Edwards 18 (NYJ)
3) Percy Harvin 8 (MIN)
TE
1) Jeremy Shockey 1 (NO)
K
1) Ryan Longwell 4 (MIN)

7. Steve: 330
QB: Sanchez 20
RB: Reggie Bush 10, Shonn Greene 4
WR: Sydney Rice 14, Bernard Berrian 17, Jerrico Cotchery 15
TE: Visanthe Shiancoe 12
K: Ryan Longwell 4

Playoff Pool - Divisional Weekend!

2010-01-16T13:52:00.016-05:00

Welcome back for another exciting round of fantasy playoff football!

As always, players are listed by penile girth in decreasing order, most girthy to least girthy.

1. Little Curry, 301
QB: Philip Rivers 17, Kurt Warner 4
RB: Adrian Peterson 9, Marion Barber 1
WR: Sydney Rice 38, Marques Colston 20, Vincent Jackson 18
TE: Jason Witten 19
K: Nate "The Nate" Kaeding -1

2. Bambrick, 292
QB: Brett Favre 33 (MIN), Mark Sanchez 8 (NYJ) Chosen for strategic reasons... not because it is funny.
RB: Shonn Greene 20 (NYJ), Beanie Wells 6 (ARI) Yes, I just picked two rookie RBs.
WR: Miles Austin 8 (DAL), Pierre Garcon 8 (IND), Sidney Rice 38 (MIN)
TE: Visanthe Shiancoe 8 (MIN) The man has a large penis.
K: Nate Kaeding -1 (SD)

3. Holohan, 252
QB: Kurt Warner 4, Brett Favre 33. These fuckers are old!
RB: Darren Sproles 9, Thomas "It's not unusual!" Jones 4
WR: Larry Fitzgerald 13, Percy Harvin 3, Vincent Jackson 18
TE: Antonio Gates 17
K: Neil Rackers 1

4. Canova, 245
QB 1 – Philip ‘the homo sissy’ Rivers 17
QB 2 – Kurt Warner 4
WR 1 – Wayne 20
WR 2 - Colston 20
WR 3 – Breaston 9
RB 1 – AP 9
RB 2 – Felix 12
TE 1 – Tony Gates 17
K 1 – John Barney 0

5. Steve, 234
QB: Drew Brees 27, Brett Favre 33
RB: Ray Rice 19, Adrian Peterson 9
WR: Marques Colston 20, Percy Harvin 3, Devery Henderson 18
TE: Dallas Clark 12
K: Nate Kaeding -1

6. Ethan, 226
As a great man once said "I don't have no trouble with you fuckin' me. But I got a little problem with you not fuckin' me"
QB: Kurt Warner 4 (ARZ); Brett Favre 33 (MIN) (A classic rematch of Super Bowl XII I think)
RB: Shaun "Rolling in the" Green 20 (NYJ); Beanie "My baby fell into a" Wells 6 (ARZ)
WR: Miles "Steve" Austin 8 (DAL); Larry "Not Actually Irish" Fitzgerald 13 (ARZ); Jericho Cotchery 5 (NYJ)
TE: Dustin Keller 10 (NYJ)
K: Neil "Huge" Rackers 1 (ARZ)

7. Curry, 219
QB 1: Mark Sanchez 8
QB 2: Tony Romo -1 (outstanding choice!!!)
WR 1: Derrick Mason 10
WR 2: Steve Breaston 9
WR 3: Miles Austin 8
RB 1: Shonn Greene 20
RB 2: Beanie Wells 6
TE: Antonio Gates 17
K: Nate Kaeding -1

Love,
Future Champion

Playoff Victories for the Glorification of Jets Nation!!! - Wildcard Weekend!

2010-01-08T14:25:00.015-05:00

Ethan
QB: Aaron "Mr" Rodgers (43) (GB); Tony "No Homo" Romo (21 POINTS) (DAL)
RB: Ray "Instant" Rice (26 POINTS) (BAL); Thomas "Outta My Way" Jones (9 POINTS) (NYJ)
WR: Desean Jackson (10 POINTS) (PHL); Derrek Mason (1) (BAL); Donald "Pile" Driver (6) (BAL)
TE: Brent Celek (8 POINTS) (PHI)
K: David "40" Akers "and a Mule" (2 POINTS) (PHL)
Hey thanks for the shitty nicknames, Berman!
Total: 126

Holohan
QB: Donovan McNabb (12 POINTS), Aaron Rodgers (43)
RB: Cedric Benson (27 POINTS), Ray Rice (26 POINTS)
WR: Julian Edelman (22), Desean Jackson (10 POINTS), Derrick Mason (1)
TE: Brent Celek (8 POINTS)
K: Stephen Gostkowski (1)
This guy really seems to know what he's doing, baby!
Total: 150

Little Curry
QB: aaron rodgers (43), donovan mcnabb (12 POINTS), RB: thomas jones (9 POINTS), ray rice (26),
WR: jeremy maclin (27 POINTS), larry fitzgerald (24), miles austin (21 POINTS), TE: brent celek (8 POINTS),
K:jay feely (6 POINTS)
He's the littlest curry there is, folks!
Total: 176

Normal Sized Curry
Message: "Here you go fuckface, prepare to be fucked... in the face."
QB 1 ? Kurt Warner (43)
QB 2 ? Joe Flacco (1)
WR 1 ? Larry Fitzgerald (24)
WR 2 ? Julian Edelman (22)
WR 3 ? DeSean Jackson (10 POINTS)
RB 1 ? Ray Rice (26)
RB 2 ? Thomas Jones (9 POINTS)
TE ? Jason Witten (6 POINTS)
K ? David Akers (2 POINTS)
This gent really doesn't seem to be sure of his picks! Fear and loathing for sure!
Total: 143

Bambrick
QB: Kurt Warner (43), 1999 Rams
QB: Donovan McNabb (12 POINTS), Eagles
RB: Thomas Jones (9 POINTS), Rex Ryan's favorites
RB: Ray Rice (26), Rutgers
WR: Larry Fitzgerald, Kurt Warner's team (24)
WR: Julian Edelman (22), Wes Welker wannabe
WR: DeSean Jackson (10 POINTS), team from the same piece of shit city as the Phillies
TE: Brent Celek (8 POINTS), same team as McNabb and Jackson, so I really hope they don't win
K: Mason Crosby (8), Packers
Let's hope for a puke free game from McNabb!
Total: 164

Steve
QB: Aaron Rodgers (43), Donovan McNabb (12 POINTS)
WR: Donald Driver (6), Desean Jackson (10 POINTS), Derrick Mason (1)
RB: Brian Westbrook (3 POINTS), Ryan Grant (9)
TE: Brent Celek (8 POINTS)
K: David Akers (2)
Total: 94

Canova
QB:Anthony Romo (21 POINTS), Donovan McNabb (12 POINTS)
WR: DeSean Jackson (10 POINTS), Miles Austin (21 POINTS), Larry Fitzgerald (24)
RB: Ray Rice (26), Tommy Jones (9 POINTS)
TE: Jason Witten (6 POINTS)
K: Jay Feely (6 POINTS)
Total: 135

Canova and Normal Sized Curry's picks are coming at us all the way from Boston, baby!

Other Things Manny Ramirez Didn't Do

2009-06-11T13:22:00.004-04:00

I didn't kill nobody.

I didn't rape nobody.

I didn't steal no candy from no baby.

I didn't try to exterminate no large group of people in no mass genocide.

I didn't get no country stuck in a never-ending war with no middle-eastern nation.

I didn't break your Butterfinger bar or nothing.

I dind't start no internet campaign to elect no minor leaguers or steroid users to no all-star game.

I didn't tarnish my image or nothing.

I didn't get suspended from the game for very long or nothing.

I did, however, ruin some peoples Fantasy Baseball teams. For that, I apologize profusely.

Kobe Bryant takes "Manny Defense" to deny Steroid use

2009-06-11T12:57:00.008-04:00

"Hey, I didn't kill nobody. I didn't rape nob- Oh, actually, wait a second..."

I Love Cheese! I Put Provolone in My Socks at Night So They Smell Like Your Sister's [Sports Ticker] in the Morning!

2009-04-06T11:02:00.007-04:00

-The Orioles have asked Vice President Joe Biden to throw out the first pitch today. Due to their lack of pitching, he will also throw the following 99 pitches.

-I am not going to make a joke about Brett Myers and potential continued domestic abuse after his getting shelled last night. That would be inappropriate.

-There's a category on Sports Center called "Unhappy Coach," which I think is the title of the new Mitch Albom book.

-Jay Cutler asks Bears to paint his locker black in order to "reflect the gloomy forecast of [his] soul."

-Report: Donte Stallworth "alarmed" to learned that manslaughter means murder and does not refer to a manwhich type barbeque dish.

-Michael Jordan elected to Basketball Hall of Fame, narrowly misses induction to Baseball Hall of Fame.

That's Not a Fortune!

2009-04-05T17:26:00.002-04:00

From the inside of a fortune cookie: "It's fun being a kid."

I expect my fortune cookies to tell me that an attractive stranger is going to rub my feet, not something like that.

People Who Spin Me Right Round, Baby, Right Round, Like a Record Baby, Right Round

2009-03-05T17:51:00.001-05:00

You.

Words I Can't Spell

2009-01-13T22:32:00.000-05:00

1. Chaffeur

Rick Reilly, FJM Style

2008-09-18T21:03:00.005-04:00

I know very little about golf. That being said, I've wanted to do something on Rick Reilly for a while and he just happened to write a golf column this week. There was recently an article he wrote about a limbless man who participated in triathlons, but even I am not enough of a dick to mock quadruple amputees. Rick has 14.5 reasons why the U.S. will win the Ryder Cup.

Prediction columns are like Velveeta recipes—too easy and too cheesy.

I think Ricky’s target audience is probably males 18-45, the same as his hated ESPN counterpart, Bill Simmons. While it’s well documented that Simmons overdoes it on the Rocky and Vegas references (tell us one more time about that cold streak at the ten dollar table in ’04, Bill!) at least he’s generally funny and I know what he’s talking about. I honestly have no idea what Velveeta is. This could be me being an idiot and not Rick making a weird connection, so let’s ask Wikipedia… Ah, awesome. It’s cottage cheese. Notable characteristics include its “soft, creamy” texture.

But what's going to happen in Louisville at the Ryder Cup starting Friday will go down as the greatest shocker since

Giants-Patriots 2008? Yankees blowing the 2004 ALCS?

Lyle Lovett married Julia Roberts,

Of course, I nearly fell out of my chair when he mentioned it out of sheer shock. Reilly knows how to appeal to the emotions of the common man.

so here goes

The Americans, playing without Tiger Woods, hopelessly outmanned, with their worst on-paper team since Europe was added to the mix, will pull the Cupset [Ed. Note: LOL] of the Century. They'll need 14½ points to win, which is weird, because that's exactly how many reasons there are that they will.

It really is bizarre that Reilly has the same amount of reasons that there are points needed to win. It’s almost like it was premeditated.

1. For the first time in 12 years, Tiger's out. This will work for the Yanks! Tiger doesn't like this thing. Can you blame him? Does the executioner play on the prison softball team? No. So that Tiger buzzkill is gone.

Finally, the buzzkill of having the greatest golfer ever, playing in his prime, is gone. Thank God. What I’m wondering is to what degree the Americans are going to care about it.

American players are free to care about it, hard.

Well that’s settled, then.

Plus, without Tiger, they're The Little Team That Could. Best of all, the Euros, who usually go bat-guano-crazy whenever they beat Tiger, have no Goliath to slay. Buzzkill back at you.

No, they’re not. They just suck more. That might also be the first bat guano reference anyone’s used in an attempt to be funny since Ace Ventura When Nature Calls. We are off and running!

2. Europe captain Nick Faldo screwed the pooch by not picking Colin Montgomerie. It doesn't matter how bad Monty's playing, when he comes to the Ryder Cup, he becomes Jack Nicklaus on beta blockers. He makes everything. This is a mistake the size of New Coke.

A Google search of Colin Montgomerie reveals this very creepy photo:

Those of you playing at home can cross “New Coke reference” off your Rick Reilly scorecard.

3. There is a man on the Euro team named Oliver Wilson. It was unclear at press time whether Wilson was a member of Parliament or the team haberdasher. It may have been a misprint. He is the first Euro to make the team without ever winning a pro tournament. Perhaps he is Faldo's butler.

Reilly may be a goofy bastard, but the man is supposedly a good golf analyst and the most he can do is make a joke about a weak joke about Wilson’s name? Also, upon finishing the column, Reilly went to his local haberdashery (Haberdashing by Hank, Inc.) to get some clothes haberdashed.

4. Word is USA captain Paul Azinger is setting up Valhalla like a $19 muni, so the Euros' fancy punches and miracle gunch shots won't help. It'll be: bomb the driver, float the wedge, bury the putt. Hell, J.B. Holmes may even skip the wedge part. This USA team is longer than Tolstoy.

We have our first section of legitimate golf analysis. Also, a War and Peace reference is always a nice touch in a golf column.

5. Euros like hard courses and nasty weather. Louisville forecast: sunny, 80 degrees, fairways as open as new 7-Elevens.

Describing the openness of a fairway is not part of a weather forecast, Meteorologist Rick. And I’m a little confused on the 7-Eleven comment. Are newly made 7-Elevens open later than their crusty old relatives? At what point does a 7-Eleven reach the age where it has to start to close, in order to, I assume, store energy? Rick is fucking with my head.

6. Faldo, a great announcer, was icy as a player and he'll be icy as a coach. He usually eats dinner in his room, where—no joke—he'll practice his drops. No Euro will fall on a grenade to win for him. I'm not sure they'd fall on a pillow mint.

Again, are we really going to accept the argument most recently made by Mets fans over Carlos Delgado’s performance that having an unpopular coach will cause a player to intentionally play shitty, hurting his career and making him lose potentially millions? And the mint reference? I think we’re a little over the limit on food metaphors, Rick.

Bonus Half Point Reason: More about Faldo the Fridge. He's such a loner he only has one assistant coach. Zinger has three. So when those morning matches end and Faldo's got 20 mad minutes to figure out who's hot, who's not, who wants to play again right away, who needs a blow and who needs a new partner, he'll need information. He'll need a pair of smart eyes on all four matches. Can't do it with only two sets.

Information, dammit! It’s hyphenated to stress its incredible importance! And there’s no way he could possibly keep up with the matches with some sort of video technology? Tricky stuff, I know, but at least Rick doesn’t think we’re stupid for not –

Duh.

Oh. Nevermind.

7. Every Ryder Cup mints a new star. This time it will be Anthony Kim, a bad ass and a huge talent who's too young to know how big this is. He's about to get very rich.

Badass is one word, motherfucker.

8. There's a grittiness to this team I haven't seen since the Corey Pavin teams in the early '90s. Holmes is tougher than a Costco steak.

Hey now! More food!

He went iris-to-iris-

Which is even closer than eye to eye.

-with Tiger for most of the Accenture Match Play. Justin Leonard is the Hero of Brookline —the last American win, back in 1999—and still has glorious bloodstains on him. Steve Stricker won the Accenture, which is about as close to a Ryder Cup Starter Kit as you can get. Jim Furyk and Stewart Cink have steel sacks. And Boo Weekley once said, "It isn't that I don't give a s***, I just don't give a s*** about golf." You think he'll be scared?

People who curse aren’t afraid of anything.

9. Zinger has a new strategy. He doesn't give a deceased rodent how comfy the team-room couches are. Last time out, Tom Lehman gave the players the best experience ever and still got fricasseed. "I don't want them happy and comfortable," Zinger says. "I want them nervous and a little tense from the start. Because otherwise, when you get to that first tee Friday morning, you're gonna be shocked at the pressure." Smart.

To all those people who say golf isn’t a real sport: Isn’t couch comfiness a major factor in every sport? I can remember those great seventies Steeler teams being inspired on defense because they were so energized due to the couch comfiness in the locker room.

10. Silence is intimidating. Well, Chad Campbell is quieter than a one-man funeral. Ben Curtis doesn't say 10 words in a round. Furyk and Cink can make you think your hearing has gone. You need to lean in to hear Stricker. This squad would make excellent mimes. …

Nothing more exciting than watching a team so boring that its players don’t even talk to themselves.

11. … Except for Weekley. Finally, America has somebody who can say how a lot of people feel about Europe and lettuce sandwiches and $9 cups of Starbucks. The Alligator Hunter once came to the British Open and, when asked about the food, declared he didn't like it one bit. Why? "Ain't got no sweet tea and ain't got no fried chicken." Team spokesman!

Yeah! We’ve finally got a guy who makes rash and probably ignorant generalizations about an entire country’s culture! Also: Crocodile Hunter is the preferred nomenclature, dude.

12. The USA has six rookies who don't know the Euros usually whip the Americans like Rachael Ray whips eggs. They don't know about losing five of the last six, two of 'em Little Bighorns. Ignorance is bliss.

When has going into a tournament of huge importance with tons of rookies? I understand the whole idea of fresh blood, young guys who are “gamers,” and so on, but that hardly seems a good reason why the U.S. is assured victory.

13. Faldo violated the time-honored Too Many Swedes theory. Swedes are the sweetest people on earth. Wouldn't hurt a kipper. No Swede has ever won a major. Faldo's got two on his team.

I think Too Many Swedes would make a great name for a porno.

14. Azinger has always had Faldo's number. In four matches over three Ryder Cups, Faldo never got better than a tie against him. He won't even get that this time.

A bold prediction, but serious analysis to end it. I get the feeling Rick genuinely knows a lot about golf but enjoys being a preening jackass a lot more than he cares about being a legitimate writer. Rick, could you please send us off with some disturbing imagery of you using your tongue in a manner it’s not meant to be used?

That's my prediction. If I'm wrong, I'll tongue bathe Windsor Castle

Thanks.

Take My Wife, Ted

2008-07-24T10:33:00.003-04:00

Mr. Thompson,

I understand I've caused something of a ruckus for you and all my former teammates here in the great state of Green Bay. Ted, I can't make it clear enough: I've made a terrible mistake. I thought all the footballin' I did have in me was gone forever, to be replaced by days of being a shitty analyst who laughs at awful jokes on one of the many overcrowded NFL pre-game shows.

I want back in, Ted. I'll do anything. I know you don't want Aaron Rodgers leading this talented group! That douchebag can't even jerk off without blinding himself. I know I fucked up bigtime, and I think Peter King might kill himself if I'm gone, so I've come up with a fantastic solution:

I want you to have sex with my wife.

Now, I know this might come off as "adulterous," or "wrong," or for the intellectuals out there "morally repugnant," but just think about it! As we all know, she's an incredibly beautiful woman, and a sexual dynamo at that. I want to show you how dedicated to I am to this team and the prospect of winning another Super Bowl! We can go over the details in person, but just know that there can't be any weird shit. And no video taping.

Please just consider it.

Thank you,
Brett

P.S. If my wife is not enough I will consider sacrificing my oldest child.

Manny Ramirez, while "Being Manny," Breaks Fan's Hand

2008-05-15T14:53:00.003-04:00

In case you haven't seen it, click here to see the gruesome footage of Manny Ramirez attacking a poor, defenseless fan.

In what has become a repeated occurence, Manny Ramirez has shown blatant disregard for human life. The worst is his defense, saying he was just "being Manny." This is no excuse for his actions. First it was his tendency to throw his helmet off while running the bases (an obvious tripping hazard), but then at least he was leaving the fans out of it. This poor fan (who will remain nameless to protect his safety) first drew the attention of Maniacal Manny with his Red Sox shirt. He thought he was safe behind the 7-foot wall in left field, but unfortunately the man-beast Ramirez was able to scale the wall in his attempt to destroy the innocent bystander.

According to the preliminary hospital reports, the fan is expected to make a full recovery. Our prayers go out to him and his family.

.300 (OBP)

2008-05-12T19:17:00.005-04:00

"Tonight, we dine, in Seatlle!"

MLB Television Scouting Reports

2008-03-17T09:26:00.002-04:00

Because my spring break is so awesome, I'm sitting on my couch at 9:30 AM watching the replay of the Yankees exhibition game from last night. YES puts up a "Scouting Report" graphic of the starting pitcher in the first inning of every game, to let the viewing public know a little about how the YES network imagines the starter will pitch after looking and video. With YES (and most other networks that do this), this means just talking about things the pitcher has done in the past, having little to do with his pitch selection or velocity. This isn't me as an irate sports blogger trying to make a point about how stupid the mainstream media is, but rather just as something I found funny, and shouldn't be interpreted as an attack. Today's pitcher: C.C. Sabbathia.
-"Cy" Bathia - C.C. won the Cy Young award in 2007. If any scout gave this in and said, "Hey, boss, I figured out how to stop Sabbathia! He won the Cy Young last year!" he would be fired.

-No Limits -He's a workhorse who threw 241 innings last year. This being a Spring Training game, the idea of Sabathia being a workhorse doesn't really come into play, as he's not going to pitch more than five innings or so.

-Free to Go - Sabathia will be a free agent after this season. Again, I don't see how this counts as scouting.

So I've learned from the fine people at YES things Sabathia did in the past, and what he might do in the future, but nothing that will tell me what kinds of pitches he might be expected to throw today. I know this stuff is for the casual fan, but getting a little more in depth isn't going to hurt anyway.

Anyway, here's a picture of Lo Pan.

Report: Giants to Have Open Battle for Starting QB Position

2008-03-13T23:04:00.005-04:00

"Got any tape? 'CAUSE I'M RIPPED.

CANYON OF HEROES, NYC -- In a totally unexpected move, Giants coach Tom Coughlin has stated that there will be an open battle for the starting quarterback spot between Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning and first round bust David Carr, recently signed to a one year, one million dollar contract. "As you all know, Eli has been inconsistent in his four years on the Giants," said Coughlin. "We know that by bringing a true veteran presence like David in, we could finally have the solution at the quarterback position."

Manning was incensed when he found out about Coughlin's words, saying "David Carr? What! Quarterback controversy! I just won the Super Bowl, for Big Bob Pataki's sake! He had more interceptions than touchdowns last year! It's like I can't do anything good enough to get respect for more than a week in this city."

I managed to catch up with Tiki Barber, who had some interesting comments about Eli. "Eli? What a clown. That kid sucks. Let me tell you a little something about Eli that should make up your mind: I once saw him buy vanilla pudding instead of chocolate. True story. Not only should he not be starting, I wouldn't let that punk be my waterboy. I just feel like"-- Michael Strahan suddenly stormed into the room. Why aren't we focusing on me? Big Michael Strahan, owner of the single season sacks record? I held out of training camp last year! That's the reason we won the Superbowl!"

When asked for comment, David Carr drooled, giggled, and said "footbawwwww."

If Brett Favre was caught in a Prostitution Ring...

2008-03-13T18:45:00.006-04:00

"Brett Favre secretly sleeps with prostitutes the way they're supposed to be secretly slept with. I mean, he made using a high-class call-girl service fun again."

-Wright Thompson, ESPN

"Now, now, now here's a guy, who when he's out on the road away from his family, and craves the loving embrace of a woman, he calls a hooker! Here take a look at this: He waits in his hotel room over here, then he calls up Emperors Club VIP like this, and BOOM! He's got himself a lovely $1,000 an hour girl ready to go!"

-John Madden, ABC

"...Aaand here comes Brett Favre, Bumping, Pumping, and Humping his away across the bed with Kristen 'Love actually cost a thing' Dupre!"

-Chris Berman, ESPN

"It was a cold December night, when Brett Favre wandered down an alley and met his first prostitute. It was this fateful meeting that would change not only his life, but the entire red-light district forever. Though his first meeting was full of fumbles and costly mistakes, it set the stage for what would become the one of the greatest careers as a John in history."

-NFL Films Guy

"Now wait a second people, Brett Favre is obviously a Hall of Fame strumpet-shagger, but he really hasn't delivered in the second half of the year. Sure he's been in the game long enough to rack up quite a list of hits, but his performance in the last decade have been disappointing. Yes, in 2007 he did it all with the youngest crew in the business, but his final moment was an unthinkable mistake. Favre is done, it's about time we give Aaron Rogers the chance he's been waiting for."

-Sal Paolantonio, ESPN

"Pro---stitution. I love it, clones. Brett Favre has accomplished more in his career, and worked more working girls than anyone else in the business. Hey Brett Favre, high-five. Hey Brett Favre, nice to see you're spending that NFL money wisely. You know what, I don't care what people think. You know what, I don't care that it's illegal in most states. Brett Favre is America. Brett Favre people, Brett Favre. Let's go to the phones."
-Jim Rome

"My Man!"

-Eliot Spitzer

BREAKING NEWS: Apple Pie Brett's Favorite

2008-03-08T16:08:00.003-05:00

GREEN BAY, Wisconsin - At a huge press conference in which the entire Favre family was present, Brett Favre finally made public knowledge of what has been a puzzling secret for many years. "After much consideration, I feel like apple pie is the right choice for my dessert tonight," said Favre. "I appreciate the hero worship given to me by the local and national media while I've been mulling over my choices."

Though many sportswriters had to be taken to the local hospital after squealing and passing out upon seeing Mr. Favre, several were able to comment. "Apple pie is such a gritty choice," said Chris Berman of ESPN. "Favre eats that pie the way it should be eaten, with childlike enthusiasm and love for the pie."

Hayden Panettiere reacts to Brett Favre being called "Greatest QB Ever"

2008-03-08T15:37:00.004-05:00

Life with the Birdman

2008-03-07T14:07:00.001-05:00

Brought to you by the geniuses at Fox, it's the epic new sitcom, Life with the Birdman, starring NBA player Chris Andersen!

Lights come on and the audience, high on the free crystal meth given out before the show, cheers wildly. Chris walks into the living room.

Birdman: Honey, your man is hoooooome. [audience goes nuts, while Chris does a line of coke off the radiator] Woooooooo, watch the Birdman SOAR! [Does the birdman dance, audience loves it]

Mrs. Andersen: Hey, baby, how my points did The Birdman score today?

Birdman: Uh... points. Right. [Chris has not told his wife about his suspension from the NBA. When he tells her he has a game, he's really at Chuck E. Cheese tormenting children and sniffing glue all day] It was good, baby. I had this awesome dunk over Yao Ming.

Mrs. Andersen: But my sister was just telling me how some large Chinese man was out for the season. Did she mean Yao? How can you dunk over a guy who's not playing?

Birdman: Uh... [Chris takes a dish rag, pours ether on it, and makes his wife unconscious. He then proceeds to eat Oreos and hump her leg]

[Chris' son walks into the room, audience gives a big "Awwwwww!"]

Birdman: Birdman Junior, what's up budddddddy?

Birdman Jr.: Dad, my name is John. Do you remember? Forget it. Did you knock mom out with ether againi?

Birdman: I wouldn't worry about it son, those mescaline pellets I put in your chocolate pudding this afternoon should be kicking in soon.

[Big gasp from the audience]

Birdman Jr.: What are you -- WOOOO HOOOO!

Birdman: That's my boy! [Audiences laughs uproariously]

[Join us next week when we see how Chris' first week back in the NBA goes! Also: Chris goes to John's parent teacher conference at the local elementary school]

Inside the Mets Clubhouse Again

2008-03-06T13:36:00.004-05:00

Willie: All right, guys, I know we've been hit with a rash of injuries, but all we can do is take it one game at a time, give it a 110% every time we go out there...

Ryan Church: I hate Jews.

Shawn Green: Fuck you.

Willie: Shawn, you retired a couple of weeks ago, remember? You need to go home.

Shawn: Oh, my bad. [fades away]

Willie: So, like I was saying. We need Jose to get on base and make things happen, and I'm counting on David to--

Pedro: ¿Oye, ha visto cualquiera mi gallo?

Duaner: Esta en armario.

Pedro: Noooo! Por que?!

Wright: Can you keep it down, I'm trying to concentrate.

Willie: David, why are you having sex with both Carlos' wives?

Delgado: WHAT!

Wright: Hey, I make the rules around here, you Pedro Cerrano-looking, over the hill, sorry excuse for a slugger. Mister 30/30 is occupied.

[Billy Wagner walks in with 17 pieces of gum in his mouth.]

Wagner: Hmph, fmm ya ya, mmph fastball mmph hmm ya ok 100 miles per hour, mmph.

Castro: You are a member of the Rebel Alliance, and a traitor!

Willie: Ramon, why have you only been speaking in Star Wars quotes for the last week?

Castro: Because from my point of view, the Jedi are evil!

Brian Schneider: Hey coach, you mind if I skip the second workout today? It's my kid's birthday and I really want to give him his present.

Willie: Who are you, again?

Brian Schneider: Brian Schneider... I came over the Milledge deal with Church. How do you not know a .323 career on base percentage when you see it?

John Maine: Hey, Brett Favre retired!

How Brett Favre Will be Described to Young Fans in 2020 by Packer Fans

2008-03-05T22:36:00.005-05:00

Dad: Favre, I want you to take a seat over by the television and listen to me spin a yarn about the greatest man every to walk this Earth.

Son: I know, Dad, Brett Favre. You named me after him, you ignorant hick.

Dad: Haha, sounds good son. Anyway, Brett Favre played from 1967-2008, winning every Super Bowl and every Super Bowl MVP.

Son: Dad, that's just not true. What about in 2002, when a Buccaneers defense led by Warren Sapp beat the Raiders? And in 1990, when the Giants won? The only time Favre won one was 1997.

Dad: ...So, anyway, let me tell you about a certain game that happened in 2003, right when Brett was entering his prime. The previous night, Brett's entire family had been murdered in cold blood by a reincarnated Hitler, Himmler, and Goebels, who had a problem with him for hiding Jews during the second World War. Do you think Brett sat out that game, in mourning? Hell no! He came out and threw for twelve touchdowns and 1,2000 yards passing. And at halftime, he killed those Nazis with his bear hands.

Son: I think you might be exaggerating a bit, Dad. Isn't it true that Favre often made poor choices in the pocket, resulting in gamebreaking interceptions? Why, I remember watching a Jets-Packers game from 2006 on ESPN Classic and he threw this awful pass, which was --

Dad: He's the greatest of all time! He's got three MVP awards! Three!

Son: But Dad, according to an old ESPN article, Favre has never even had one of the top fifty seasons for quarterbacks in history.

Dad: You just don't get it! He was gritty! He played for the love of the game!

Son: So, what, Curtis Martin didn't play for the love of the game? Kevin Mawae didn't play for the love of the game? It seems like the whole "plays like a child/for the love of the game" angle gets overplayed by sportswriters and fans who need a hero.

Dad: He was addicted to vicodin! He had problems with alcohol! I CAN RELATE TO HIM AS A HUMAN BEING!

Son: I understand that, Dad, but don't you think your ability to identify with him as a person has forced you to put him up on an unreachable pedestal? I think Favre's great, I just don't get the hero worship.

Dad: Fuck you, son.

Note: I am NOT talking about my Dad.

I'm Sure This Is How Dickens Meant It

2008-03-05T21:43:00.003-05:00

ESPN'S Tristan Cockcroft (if that is your real name) recently wrote this piece of brilliance:

"In 23 games from Aug. 9-Sept. 6, Rick Ankiel batted .358 with nine home runs, 29 RBIs, 22 runs scored and a 1.174 OPS.

It was the worst of times …

In 24 games from Sept. 7-30, Ankiel batted .220 with two home runs, 10 RBIs, nine runs scored and a .580 OPS.

Certainly seems like a tale of two seasons for Mr. Ankiel, does it not?"

I know you're probably on a tight deadline and looking for something interesting to start off the column, but quoting A Tale of Two Cities in a baseball column? Weak sauce, sir.

Sammy Strangeface Joins the Celtics

2008-03-03T22:25:00.004-05:00

Sam: Ah, finally going to a contender again. I really liked some of those guys on the Clippers, especially Eiffel Tower Tuesdays (Kaman knows what I'm talkin' about!), but it was definitely time for a change. I think I can really help run the offense with three barely past their prime superstars. But ever since I got out of LA, people have been acting a bit strange around me... ahem, stewardess, can I get a Bloody Mary, please?

Stewardess: Absolutely, sir, coming right-- OH MY GOD!

Sam: What! Is there a problem, miss?

Stewardess: It's just... your face. Never mind, sir, enjoy your drink!

[Stewardess quickly walks away]

Sam: Man, this is getting more and more bizarre! What's wrong with my face, anyway?

[Flash forward to Sam inside Celtics GM Danny Ainge's office]

Ainge: Sam, we're very excited to have you sign this deal; we think you can make a big difference running the offense. There's just one little clause we included that we'd like you to look over.

Sam: Clause? Sure, I'll take a look. Sam Cassell, due to the sheer ferocity of his alien-like face, must wear a... wear a WHAT?
when he is not on the court. What kind of bull you tryin' to pull here, Ainge?

Ainge: Sam, studies show that 67% of children experience temporary insomnia after being exposed to your face for even five seconds. I'm all about protecting the people here, Sam.

Sam: You've got a point, I guess. As long as I'm finally accepting my face, the only way I'm signing this is if you sign Tyrone Hill--
to be my personal assistant at all times, in order to offset my ugly.

Ainge: It's a done deal, Sam!

The All Old-School Nickelodeon Football Team

2008-02-27T01:14:00.003-05:00

Here it is, an entire football team roster made entirely of characters from your favorite Nicktoons. It's everything you ever hoped for.

Offense:

QB - Chalky Studebaker (Doug) - Chalky was an easy choice for first pick. He, without a doubt, is the single greatest athlete in the Nicktoons universe. The swim team? Chalky is the swim team. Not only that, he also is the captain and quarterback of the school's football team. His only athletic loss came in the epic sit-up competition against Doug. Chalky is the solid leader that we shall build this team around.

WR - Gerald Johanssen (Hey Arnold!) - Although he never learned to ride a bike, Gerald is a gifted athlete. He has all the style and speed

needed in a wide receiver. Never one to shy away from attention, I'm looking for Gerald to be an explosive Captain who can pump up his team come game-time. Also, look for him to have some killer TD dances.

WR - Otto Rocket (Rocket Power) - If not for Chalky, Otto may be our star player. The greatest athlete in Ocean Shores, Otto isn't a three sport star, he's an every sport star. His creativity and agility in extreme sports should transfer nicely to the gridiron. He may be short, but we know he can jump. In fact, it is said he gets "mad air."

RB - Donnie Thornberry (The Wild Thornberries) - In a running back, you need someone who can make people miss, and no one is more slippery than Donnie Thornberry. Raised in the wild, this kid can run, jump, climb, spin, and escape from anything. Plus, just imagine getting trash-talked by this guy.

FB - Ernie Potts (Hey Arnold!) - Who better to clear the way for Donnie than a wrecking ball operator. Ernie is ugly and mean, perfect for this blocking position. His short temper may have gotten him into trouble in the boarding house, but on the field it will only intimidate defenses. His 500 career demolitions should translate to career pancake-blocks in no time.

TE - Spike (Rugrats) - Choosing a great TE is all about creating match-up problems. Well who would be harder to cover than a freaking dog? Some may not believe a canine could play, but obviously these people have never seen Air Bud: Golden Receiver. Spike has proven himself with his performance with the Frisbee in the park. He is certainly the real deal.

LT - Krumm (Aaahh!!! Real Monsters) - Krumm is big and stinky and will fit perfectly on the offensive line. His training in scaring humans will work righteously against opposing defenses. Also, with his infinite vision possibilities, he cannot be caught blindsided, and will always catch blitzing corners. Just don't ask how he's going to wear a helmet.

LG - Heffer Wolfe (Rocko's Modern Life) - The 400 pound cow has always been loyal to Rocko, and will show the same protective instincts for his quarterback. Known for his love of sausages, this guy is nimbler than he seems. As seen with this roller skating abilities, his quick and agile feet will keep blitzing linemen at bay.

C - Sam Dullard (Rocket Power) - Squid may be the least athletic of the Rocket gang, but there is one sport where he shines above all others. Yes, he is the greatest Hockey Goalie in Ocean Shores, and his blocking abilities should make him a trusty center. He has the stocky body preferred in this role, and will be the needed brains of this O-Line.

RG - Really Really Big Man (Rocko's Modern Life) - What can you say, he is really, really big. His incredible strength will have him pancaking blitzers two at a time. His magic chest hairs, and future-seeing nipples will also find a role on the field. At times, however, RRBM is known to lose control of his strength. Hopefully this does not cause any conflict on the field.

RT - Phil DeVille (Rugrats) - Phil may be small for a lineman, but he is not afraid to get down and dirty. Always in the mud, bad weather will be this toddler's greatest ally. He always had Tommy's back, and his QB Chalky shall fall under his wing as well. Of course, he will have to be lining up against his D-Line playing sister.

Defense:

MLB - Betty DeVille (Rugrats) - Betty is lean and mean and ready to lay the smack down. Don't be confused by the woman symbol on her shirt, there is little feminine about this mom. The biggest football fan in town, she'll know how to lead her defense. She dominates her wimpy husband Harold like she'll dominate opposing quarterbacks.

LOLB - Harold Berman (Hey Arnold!) - Harold is the school bully and is not afraid to jack up some wussies. He might seem immature at times, but he's had his Bar-Mitzvah and now this man is ready to play the game. The misshapen tooth? Didn't hold Michael Strahan back, and won't stop the Berman either. His name is Berman! He'll be perfect!

ROLB - Ickis (Aaahh!!! Real Monsters) - Now, I know Ickis may seem too small, or too weak to be an effective run-stopper and pass-rusher, but this kid has heart. His secret weapon will be his scare tactic: his ability to grow ten times his size. Of course his 3'6" frame is too small, but as soon as that quarterback calls 'hike', there's no getting by this real monster.

DT - Cliff (CatDog) - The leader of the Greaser Dogs takes no prisoners on the D-Line. Badass in his leather jacket, he will sack quarterbacks, and chew on their leg afterwards. He may be a sensitive guy on the inside, but on the field he has a reputation to protect. Probably will be a cancer in the locker room, but his natural ability should make up for it.

DE - Grandma Gertrude (Hey Arnold!) - Pookie doesn't mess around. Some say she's past her prime at 82 years old, but I say this crafty veteran has yet to peak. She's wild and unpredictable, and totally kicks-ass in Karate. She'll be underestimated every game, only giving her the underdog mentality pro-athletes strive under.

DT - Ed Bighead (Rocko's Modern Life) - Undoubtedly the cruelest character O-Town, his grittiness is made for football. Always angry and breaking into Rocko's yard, he will not have to adjust his game much on the line. His cockiness may be a problem, as we all remember his ego problem while bowling. However, his hatred of everyone should do him good.

DE - Lil DeVille (Rugrats) - A little girl like Lil playing football? Of course. If her mother is any example of her future, she'll be even better than her brother. They will be lining up against each other on the line, and this sibling rivalry will reach new heights. She does not have to be good against every blitzer, just keep her brother at bay. Their fights were always close, so this one should be fun to watch.

CB - Roger Klotz (Doug) - Plenty of people are lean and mean, but are they also green? Roger Klotz is. Relentless in his torment of Doug, he won't let wide receivers get away with anything. Watch out for some dirty play in his 5-yard bumps. On the field his joy of hurting others finally pays off, and he may have found his niche as a blitzing corner.

CB - Twister Rodriguez (Rocket Power) - What an athlete, it's a shame he is overshadowed by his freak of a best friend. He's just as quick and agile, and has the same ridiculous vertical leap. As a cornerback he will never have the star-power Otto will at wide receiver, but playing second fiddle is nothing new to this loyal teammate.

SS - Susie Carmichael (Rugrats) - Don't worry, she's black, she'll do fine.

FS - Reggie Rocket (Rocket Power) - Yup, I'm going with two females in my secondary. But Reggie isn't any girl, she's a beast of a woman. She defines Tomboy, and can keep up with the boys in anything. At free safety she will add some creative flair to this defense. Also, as editor of her own 'zine, watch out for this girl to blossom into a star on and off the field.

Special Teams:

P - Chuckie Finster (Rugrats) - Chuckie is a shy kid, and would not be able to handle the pressure of offense or defense, and definitely not as a place kicker. As a punter, he'll be far enough from the action, and protected by "roughing the kicker" penalties. He's got some leg, and with his loyalty, even Jeff Feagles' record is within sight.

K - Doug Funnie (Doug) - Doug is a kicker, it's a known fact. While messing around in gym class, Coach Spitz (voiced by Jeff Garcia) spots him and his amazing leg. He is not consistent, but his power is undeniable. As soon as he signs a shoe deal, and gets his Sky Davis Inflatable Air Jet, he'll be fine. Just remember, "the shoe doesn't count!"

KR - Tommy Pickles (Rugrats) - Tommy is resourceful and creative. His low stature and quick decision making will give him the ability to make people miss. Always exciting to watch, he will bring this explosiveness on to the field. His big returns will not only give the offense great field position, but inspire them. However, being severely pigeon-toed may be a problem.

Coaching Staff -

Offensive Coordinator - Stu Pickles (Rugrats) - Who better to come up with an unpredictable playbook than the greatest inventor in Nick history (Jimmy Neutron sucks). His toys don't always work, but the idea is what matters. With a team like this, execution will not be a problem. Stu will put this team "on the map."

Defensive Coordinator - The Gromble (Aaahh!!! Real Monsters) - A great defense is all about intimidation. The Gromble is the scare master, and will construct the most feared defense in the league. After spending a few practices at The Monster Academy, this team will be ready to rip any offense to pieces. He will be haunting quarterback's dreams for sure.

Head Coach - Mr. Lamar Bone (Doug) - Mr. Bone is tough, scary, and demanding. Just the way of football coach ought to be. The Rulemeister's practices may be tough, but he no doubt will prepare his team for the big game. He's proud of his accomplishments, example: his trophy that gets stolen, and would love to add a Lombardi Trophy to his cabinet. Also look for some of the greatest post-game coach tirades from this guy.

General Manager - Charlotte Pickles (Rugrats) - Charlotte Pickles gets things done. No deal is too big, no contract demand too ridiculous. She can negotiate with the best of them, and no hot-shot player will be able to stand up to her fierceness. Also, she'll always have her man-bitch Jonathan to get her her coffee and anything else she asks for.

Announcer - Nigel Thornberry (The Wild Thornberries) - The Tim Curry voice is perfect. After narrating wildlife documentaries for years, he may have trouble adjusting to the change of setting. However, listen for some great metaphors comparing linebackers to the endangered white rhino and running backs likened to East Amazon howler monkeys.

Owner - Mr. Bluff (Doug) - The richest man in town has to be the owner of this proud franchise. Known for his incredible wealth, and tendency to name things after himself, look for the team to soon be playing in the BluffDome. This Steinbrenner-esque ego will be perfect for the team, as he signs players from opposing leagues such as Cartoon Network, or even Disney's Wide World of Sports.

Well there you have it. Every position accounted for. Hope you liked it, and look for the games to be shown every Sunday and NICK GAS, and NICKTOONS TV.

Huh?

2008-02-24T18:41:00.005-05:00

The Oscars are tonight (come on, The Number 23!), and ESPN wants to get in on some of that sweet movie action. In order to stay "hip" and "with it," they've come up with this beautiful Sports Nation question: Who was the best supporting player in 2007? What does even really mean? Hell if I know, but let's take a look at the nominees:

Manu Ginobili - Basketball is really the only sport where this might make sense at a skill position, so I guess Manu should win by default.

Jacob Hester (LSU) - Wikipedia expands my limited knowledge of college football by telling me Hester rushed for over 1100 yards and 12 touchdowns. I'd say those are pretty good numbers, in support of... his team? I mean, he did support his team this year. But so did every other athlete who played above average in any game in 2007. He was part of a five man rotation, so maybe best "part time" player might be more appropriate, but supporting player? I don't know.

Phil "Tits" Mickelson - This is the one that really shoves my face in shit. Golf is not a team sport. A player plays by himself, for himself. Phil isn't supporting anyone except himself and his Milky Way habit. I think what the geniuses at ESPN are getting at is that he supports Tiger Woods. But he's not supporting Tiger, he's rivaling him. It would make a lot more sense if it was "Who was the second best player on the PGA tour in 2007?"

Wes Welker - I'll avoid playing the easy race card on the white wide receiver, ala Stephen A. Smith and the wondrous Jemele Hill on everything involving a black athlete. I understand Randy Moss broke the single season touchdown record, but it's not like Welker was a was only decent, either, tying with Houshmandzadeh for the league led in receptions.

Kevin Youkilis - Unless you're talking about some amazing pinch hitter coming off the bench, the term "supporting player" really doesn't translate well to baseball. If I may channel Ken Tremendous for a minute, I think Youkilis is seen as a supporting player because he's gritty! He hustles! He looks like a lumberjack! That's the kind of gritty hustle McRunoutagroundballster you want supporting your team!

If I had my pick, I'd go with Popeye Jones.

This is a Title

2008-02-20T00:10:00.002-05:00

Rome and the Gnome

2008-02-14T14:04:00.003-05:00

Jim Rome: Clones. What's up. It's Jim Rome. Let's do this.

Jim Rome's radio show music starts playing. It's an awesome rock song, but towards the end some kinda rainbowy music chimes in...

The Gnome: Hello all ye sporting fans! Let us discuss last night's athletic contest!

Rome: Listen Gnome. I'll do the talking. Just shut up and keep your animals away from me. Wood-land crea-tures. Don't want 'em. Let's go to the phones.

Gnome: Ooh wee, a caller!

Rome: Caller, what's happening, you're on Rome and the Gnome.

Caller: Hey what's up Rome, Gnome

Gnome: Why hello there! Lovely day we are havi...

Rome: Shut up Gnome. Caller what's on your mind.

Caller: Oh yeah. Um, I was just wondering what you guys felt about Jason Kidd getting blocked from his trade?

Gnome: Well he wouldn't if he had used Travelocity.com! We have no black-out dates and no...

Rome: Gnome, that's not what he's talking about. Seriously, don't care about your website. Tra---velocity. Too long. Don't like it.

Gnome: But you'll never roam alone!

Rome: Back to question. Hey Devean George, at least you made SportsCenter for once in your career. Hey Devean, at least you and Jason Kidd are in the same sentence. Hey Devean, you have 3.6 points per game, your lucky your still in this league. Devean. What a girly name. That guy enjoys locker room showers. Next caller.

Caller: Hey guys, so I was wondering what you guys were looking forward to in the Olympics this summer?

Gnome: In Beijing this year! You must take advantage of the Guarantee!

Rome: Gua-rantee. Don't need it. As far as the Olympics, I got two words clones. Beach. Volleyball. They're hot. I'd hit that. Tom Brady already has. Ha, that was funny. I'm funny.

Gnome: You're not funny you know...

Rome: Shut up Gnome!

A fight breaks out in studio. Not unlike Rome's famous battle with Jim Everett.

Gnome: I'm calling for back-up!

Raul Mondesi vs. Captain Falcon WHO YA GOT!?!?

2008-02-02T19:13:00.001-05:00

In an epic Battle at Hyrule Temple, the former MLB outfielder takes on the F-Zero racer. The two meet and exchange taunts...

Captain Falcon: Falcon Punch!!!

Raul Mondesi: Raul... Bunt?

Raul is still confused on how he became trapped in this virtual world, and also still wants to know why the Dodgers traded him in 1999. No time for that now, the fight commences!

Raul: Holy fuck, this guy can run fast. Maybe if I pick up this red and white ball plastic ball thing that fell next to me, I can throw it at him and knock him out. I did lead the league in outfield assisted outs in 2001.

Raul thows the Pokeball at Falcon. Falcon jumps out of the way, laughing at the amateur move by Mondesi. The ball also goes off the edge of the map, wasting any hope Mondesi had.

Raul: Alright that's just not fair. He jumped, did like 3 frontflips, and landed on this two-story roof. My 30-30 ass is toast.

Falcon starts to have fun with the visibly disturbed Mondesi. He picks up a fire-flower and chases the former Blue Jay around the level. When Raul has almost completely lost hope, a gift from above raises his spirits.

Raul: OhmygodOhmygodOhmygod! Wait, what's this? A bat? An actual wooden baseball bat? Thank you Master Hand! I know what I can do with this, I hit 88 RBIs with one of these bad-boys in 1996.

With this newfound confidence, Raul starts doing damage to the Galaxy's best bounty hunter. He's beating him all-around the level, and gets him near the edge, but no, Falcon is too quick. He jumps quickly and delivers a momentum-shifting blow...

Captain Falcon: Falcon Kick!

The kick knocks the bat out of his hand, and the bat vanishes into smoke...

Raul: NOOO! Oh no, without my bat I'm nothing! And how the hell did it just, like, vaporize like that? Whatever, oh shit, he's doing something....

As Raul is crawling backwards, Falcon loads up to deliver his final hit. The dazed Mondesi can only watch as...

Captain Falcon: FALCON PUNCH!!!

Raul: Aaahhhh! Buuuyy myyy caaarrds ooonnn eeebbaaayyy!

The Battle is over, the one true winner as emerged. Raul is forced to go back to the Domican Republic, where he enjoys helping children and stealing electricity. Falcon remains and anxiously awaits the release of SSB Brawl on March 9th like the rest of us. For now, he stands proudly, admiring his hard-fought victory.

Captain Falcon: Show your moves!

Where's Wally?

2008-01-31T14:09:00.001-05:00

That wily small-forward from Miami (Ohio) is on the loose again. See if you can find him!

About Johan

2008-01-29T20:26:00.000-05:00

Rarely do I enter the arena of serious journalism, but the signing of Johan Santana to the Mets has this chucklehead ready to give his unqualified opinion to the yearning masses:

Fuck and yes.

2007 was like going to Shea with promises of blowjobs and ice cream, only to have diarrhea poured on top of your head and kicked in the balls. They did nothing to get better in the off season, picking up a horrific hitting catcher (Brian Schneider) and trading away one of their best prospects (who was kind of a douchebag), Lastings Milledge. But that all changes today. Today the Mets have the best pitcher in baseball. A small sample of Johan's work: Leads the league in strikeouts in the past five years, has finished in the top ten in VORP each of the past four years, and has a career 3.22 ERA. And, oh yeah, he's in his prime.

Yesterday I thought the Mets were an 85 win team. Today, despite bullpen problems and concerns about left field, right field, and catcher, I feel like the playoffs are suddenly possible again. Omar, maybe you're a better man than I thought.

Santana Signs with Mets; God Exists

2008-01-29T18:49:00.000-05:00

Santana's on the Mets!

The Mets have Santana!

Next season, Johan Santana will pitch, for the METS!

Barry's Mind is Blown

2008-01-26T16:27:00.000-05:00

Barry Bonds is seen sitting in a large chair, his figured silhouetted by the slowly burning fire. Barry's lawyer, Michael Rains, has entered the room to discuss the perjury charges against Barry.

Rains: Ehm... Barry?

Bonds: Ah, my dear Michaelangelo, how does the day find you? As I sit here in this expansive room with only my mind to occupy me, I wonder which of Socrates' famous six questions most applies to my life right now.

Rains: Oh, that's fan-fucking-tastic, Barry, but you've got some perjury charges against you that we need to address.

Bonds: I think "What is justice?" is most fitting, don't you? Like Socrates states in The Republic, just--

Rains: Barry, shut the fuck up, we need to focus on the matter at hand. You could be looking at some serious jail time.

Bonds: No, you listen to me you shitfaced bitch. Nobody talks to Barry Lamar like that. Besides, I'm not concerned about any "serious jail time." I've figured out a way to fool the bastards. Jedi mind tricks.

Rains: Barry this isn't the time for you to be playing your stupid games. Remember the time you were convinced the Smurfs were plotting global domination?

Bonds: This is different. Watch. Waves hand in front of Rains' face. You will not charge me for your services.
Rains: ...Yeah, Barry, that's not going to trick anyone except that guy who goes to each Star Wars movie dressed up like Jar Jar Binks.

Bonds: We'll see.

Scene changes to a courtroom, where Barry is being questioned about perjury charges.

I don't really know who questions people in court so we're going to pretend it's Nets head coach Lawrenece Frank: Mr. Canseco, you may have noticed that my team sucks major pelican cock this year. I mean, outside of the Big Two (you suck, Vince) we've really got nothing going for us. Also, did you do steroids and then lie about it?

Bonds: Yes. FUCK. I mean... You don't need to know that.

Lawrence Frank: Mr. Mc-Gwire-Sosa, I'm afraid you have indeed perjured yourself, this means--

David Stern in a black robe: You're fuckin' suspended for a year, asshole! I control the world!

Lawrence Frank: Someone get that power hungry asshole out of here, please?

Barry wields a plastic lightsaber and is restrained while trying to pull an Antoio Davis on David Stern.

Bonds: You haven't seen the last of me, fuckers!!!

We've Got Nothing Better than "-Gate"?

2008-01-24T19:49:00.000-05:00

The object pictured above is a gate. Gates were first made famous during the first battle of Thermopylae in 480 BC, when Xerxes convinced his Persian army to jump over a gate in order to out flank the Spartans. Since this day, the term gate has been used by people with no sense of humor to describe bad things.

One recent example of this was Spygate, where... fuck it, if you don't know what that is, stop reading. Anyway, mainstream sports people started adding -gate to the whole Belichick camera incident, and everybody felt clever for being involved. Now we've got Bootgate, a reference to Tom Brady's foot... which is in a boot.

Get it?

Germans Laugh at Tom Brady's Injury

2008-01-24T14:50:00.001-05:00

"Das Boot! Das Boot!"

Helmut: Ooh I'm soo sad dat poor little Tom Brady has a boo-boo on his footie!

Hans: Ya, ya, what a wimpy girly man he is!

Wolfgang: I mean seriously, it's all Moss and Welker dat make him look good you know...

Landfill: Hey, why don't you lay off our American Hero!

Hans: Ooh ya look who is here to back him up! A bunch of Fratboy Americans!

Helmut: Ya, stupid College Students! Look how wasted they are!

Jan: Oh yeah, actually... We're not that drunk!

Fink: Yeah, I got class tomorrow!

Helmut: Ya whatever! So with your wonderful Tom Brady out, our man Eli will totally knock you out!

Todd: Since when is Eli German?

Jan: I don't know, what does it matter, they're both a bunch of bitches who couldn't finish a wine-cooler!

Landfill: Hey Germany, at least the American can get himself a hot-ass girlfriend!

Hans: What? Giselle Bundchen? You see that last name fatass? She is part German!

Wolfgang: Ya asshole, and besides, Jessica Simpson is totally hotter!

Fink: Hey fuck you, you nazi shithead! Her and Romo broke up!

Todd: Yeah, and Abby McGrew? More of a man than Eli!

Helmut: You take that back, you swine!

A huge brawl ensues, fists and beer are flying everywhere. At the end of it, the Americans, with the spirit of Tom Brady guiding them, are victorious. The Germans have nothing left other than to quote their beloved Manning...

Hans: Aww, shucks.

Denny's PBA Tour: Thug League?

2008-01-22T13:14:00.001-05:00

It seems like every pro sports league is dealing with problems. The MLB has steroids, the NBA has on-court fighting, the NFL has Michael Vick, and the NHL has Canadiens. But what you don't hear about is all the recent turmoil surrounding the Professional Bowling Association...

December 15th 2006: Pete Webber arrested outside a Kansas City Wal-Mart for stealing Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector on DVD.

March 22nd 2007: Norm Duke files for bankruptcy after losing all National Championship winnings on PartyPoker.com.

April 17th 2007: Don Johnson gets into fight with Snack Bar servant after not receiving an adequate amount of cheese with his nachos.

May 5th 2007: Cinco de Mayo!

June 19th 2007: Walter Ray James Jr. arrested for sexually assaulting a stripper, spousal abuse, and battery against a minor all on the same night, all against the same woman.

August 4th 2oo7: After watching Oceans 13, the top five Bowlers on PBA money list are arrested outside the Atlantic City Mohegan Sun.

December 30th 2007: Parker Bohn III brings shame to the league after photos surface of him with giant snow penis.

Yes it's a tragic tale of excess and debauchery in America's favorite thing to do when there's nothing else going on. Hopefully with a new EA video game coming out in the future, the Association can hope to rebuild its image.

Oh, and Pete Weber eats babies:

Wow

2008-01-20T22:16:00.000-05:00

Son of a bitch! I don't think I've ever been more wrong about anything, ever, than I was about Elisha Manning and the New York Giants.

Daly Hurts His Rib

2008-01-19T15:36:00.001-05:00

ESPN reports that notorious fat bastard golfer John Daly has withdrawn from the Bob Hope Classic with a "lingering rib injury." They failed to mention, however, that he injured his ribs when he tried to eat them after running out of food in his house. It's kind of like the time David Blaine ate his own head.

Celebrities Eating Babies

2008-01-19T14:39:00.000-05:00

Okay so its kind of a slow news day... I guess it's time for a post of Celebrities Eating Babies!!!

Ravens Hire Some Guy No One's Heard of

2008-01-18T21:00:00.000-05:00

Otto Von Bismarck may have unified Germany, but not even he knows not who the fuck John Harbaugh is.

After Cowboys offensive coordinator Jason Garrett turned down the head coach position, the Ravens weren't sure where to turn next. Luckily for them, some random coach that no one has ever heard of was more than willing to take the job. John (Jon?) Harbaugh spent the 2007 season as Philadelphia's secondary coach and was very pleased to have gotten the job. "You kiddin' me?," questioned Harbaugh, "I'd never even thought about head coaching until they called me. I coach the secondary! I don't know shit about coaching offensive players and the like."

Ravens quarterback Steve McNair seem confused as to who his new head coach was. "Harborough? No, Harberson? Oh, Harbaugh. Nah, never heard of the guy. He's the new coach?! Shit." It's clear that while this man may not even have existed before today, ESPN tried to pull off the story as if they knew who he was. They didn't, says Stuart Scott: "I was all, wikka-wikka, who is this Harbaugh dude up in this joint?! Ebonics!"

Eagles head coach Andy Reid was too busy doing a line of coke off the 50 yard line to respond. When asked his opinion, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick twirled his imaginary mustache while laughing maniacally and quietly mumbling "all goes according to plan..."

Go Home, Son

2008-01-18T19:06:00.000-05:00

The real number 3.

These days, I don't watch much of the NBA. Back when I was 14 or so, (a whole four years ago!) I was big into the long-shorted tall men playing with the roundball. I'm sure that, at this point, most people are sick of hearing from Knicks fans about their bullshit, and rightfully so. We've had a pretty good history, but you'll hear the fans moan like they've been rooting for the Clippers the last 50 years. What I'm trying to say is, I started to lose faith around the arrival of Isiah and the so-called savior, Starbury.

So the Knicks have been swallowing major baboon loads at an increasing pace for the last 3-4 years. Recently, they have given me hope, however. These shitty motherfuckers are on a three game winning streak. Without Marbury. The only way Steph could be a worse influence on the team is if he was doing shots with Vin Baker before games. What the fuck am I trying to say? I honestly don't know, I just hate Marbury. I want him out.

Things that I would rather do/have happen than keep Marbury on the Knicks through this season.
-Bill Simmons moves to New York and becomes a fan of my favorite teams. Shitty, pompous articles ensue.
-The Mets blow an even bigger lead at the end of September in 2008.
-David Wright trades himself to the Yankees, takes a giant shit on pitchers mound.
-ESPN Featured Commenting 101 becomes a required course for graduation at my school.
-Lose all my Metallica albums except Load and Reload.
-Stuart Scott narrates my life.
-Piss sitting down. Shit creeps me out, man.

Fuck Stephon Marbury.

In Depth with ESPN Featured Comments

2008-01-17T18:08:00.000-05:00

Easily one of the worst games of all time.

I began putting up the occasional "ESPN Featured Comment," (which can be seen on the right side of ESPN's home page towards the bottom) a few months ago. Once I saw Deadspin started doing the same thing, I stopped. Me going against Deadspin is something akin to Jamal Crawford doing one of those ridiculous shimmy dribble-drives into the middle of five defenders, amazed that a foul is not called once his shot clangs away harmlessly.

One of the following is a real ESPN featured comments. The other four were created by me after listening to the entire album of Return to the 36 Chambers by the ODB. Try to guess in the comments which one is the real comment! 'Cause we get tons of comments.

"Bud Selig will be commissioner until at least 2012, which means that we have at least five seasons left of Bud." - RoyalsRooooool85
"The Cowboys may have had a great regular season record, but they didn't get it done when it counted." - tomp17
"The Giants have their work cut out for them in Green Bay, but New York has proven itself." - kcmallory
"Jessica Simpson in Cabo FTL!!!!!!!!!1" - Treywingoooobaby
"Is it just me, or does Nene seem to be hurt a lot?" - johnnyboy82

Popeye Jones agrees.

Zombie News is Good News

2008-01-16T19:30:00.000-05:00

Hey remember the talks of Diary of the Dead? Well nobody else does. Seriously what the fuck happened, this is killing my reporting credibility. Apparently it's getting limited release on the weekend of February 15th. Whatever.

Well, in order to subdue your appetite for rotting flesh until the next George Romero flick, a George Romero remake is coming out!

They already re-made the re-animated corpses of Night (1968, again in 1990) and Dawn (1978, again in 2004). So the next logical step was to remake Day (1985, again in...um soon). Sadly, it's going straight to DVD. Here's the trailer (with Ving Rhames!!):

Now I know what you're thinking: "wow that looks shitty." Now, now, that's not the point. We have a legit chance of seeing Nick Cannon having his head ripped off and guts being eaten. If that's not worth the $10.50 to see a movie, I don't know what is.

You Bastards!!!!!!!!!

2008-01-14T11:46:00.001-05:00

You jerks! What the hell has Tony Romo ever done to you? He's a good quarterback! When Drew Bledsoe was sucking up the joint, who came in to be your savior? Tony!

So what if he totally messed up the snap last year and lost us the game? I still believed in Tony! He led us to a great season this year, and if it weren't for all of my dropped balls we'd have done even better! Tony is a Pro Bowl quarterback!

So what if the girly man Elisha Manning was able to lead his inferior team to two playoff wins before Tony could lead us to one? I believe in Tony, and I plan on sticking with him until we win a Superbowl!

[Reporters leave]

Rosenhaus? Yeah, the reporters are gone. They bought the whole fuckin' crying act, son! Let's get up out of this bitch! HELLO NEW ENGLAND.

T.O. Cares

2008-01-14T01:53:00.000-05:00

"Leave Tony Alone!!!"

Announcing the 2018 World Series of Poker

2008-01-11T02:59:00.000-05:00

Lon McEachern: Welcome back to our coverage of the 42nd running of the World Series of Poker!

Norman Chad: Here we are Lon, and some may say that interest has gone down since the "Poker Boom" of the early 2000s, but I say... well nobody listens to me anyway.

Lon: Ha, oh Norman. Well as we move back into our feature table, we see that Jamie Gold is once again our chip leader!

Norm: Man that guy is a douchebag.

Lon: Right you are Norm, we can only hope that needle dick can blow his lead.

Norm: With only 40 people left in the tournament, Jamie now has almost 50% of the chips in play!

Lon: Well you must remember, only 45 people actually entered this thing.

Norm: 45? I've had more ex-wives!

Lon: I know, Norm. You have some serious commitment issues that need professional help.

Norm: Did I mention Phil Hellmuth is currently in 5th place! Although all the other professionals have retired from the WSOP after Doyle Brunson died and called the tournament "Super Gay" in his will, Phil has decided to keep playing in order to win more bracelets.

Lon: That and he stole all of Todd's inheritance.

Norm: Sure do love Phil Hellmuth, Lon!

- Commercial Break -

Miller Lite Commercials now have even larger beer cans that crush entire countries when they make "non-manly" moves. Here, Austria is crushed for it's involvement in The Sound of Music.

Lon: And we're back! We skipped ahead, being as that we only get a half hour of air time on ESPN2 now, and are down to our final two!

Norman: Finally the moment we've all been waiting for. The only big names in the tournament, Hellmuth and Gold, have both been eliminated, and it looks like the bracelet will either go to some quiet old guy, or some annoying asshole just out of college.

Lon: This sucks, now we're gonna have one of these dickheads on the PokerStars commercials for the next year.

Norman: You know my ex-wife took away my PokerStars account. She took everything in the divorce, including my manhood...

Lon: Norman no one cares about your fuckin' problems! No one cares about this fuckin' tournament! What the fuck! The Pot is $43,000! I took a shit and sold it for more than that! Fuck this, I'm going back to announcing the Scrabble world championhsips.

Norman: ... and it's a three! Looks like Johnny McFucknut is the winner! I hate my life!

Favre Signs Long-Term Deal

2008-01-10T20:28:00.000-05:00

The Associated Press
Bumfuck, Wisconsin

Future hall of fame quarterback Brett Favre has, for the past few years, had a hard time deciding whether or not it was time to hang up his pads. Today, however, weeks before the Super Bowl, Favre announced that he would like to return for next season. Favre's wife, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said earlier today that Favre is close to signing a long term extension with the team.

The new extension is said to be a 23 year, 465 million dollar deal that will extend through the 2030 season. Inside sources (again, his wife) say that Favre is ecstatic about the deal. "Honey, those suckers are going to be paying me the big bucks way after Glenn Dorsey is retired!"

Packers coach Mike McCarthy is less than thrilled about the rumored deal, however. "Favre? 23 more years? You've got to be shitting me. He's not going to be able to gunsling in 5 years! He'll just be slinging! JUST SLINGING!"

Isiah Thomas Manages Breakfast

2008-01-09T16:46:00.001-05:00

Isiah: Well alright then, seems to be breakfast time and boy am I famished.

Denny's Waitress: Good morning Mr. Thomas, can I start you off with something to drink?

Isiah: Let's see, it would make sense to start off with a cup of coffee, and it would be an equally respectable decision to order a glass of freshly-squeezed orange juice... But you know what, I think I'm gonna take a risk and order a shot of tequila.

Waitress: Wait, what? You want a shot of tequila with your breakfast? Are you sure?

Isiah: I know it may looks strange, but I have faith in it.

Waitress: Whatever, so, um, would you like that with or without the worm?

Isiah: Worm please. Thank you kindly.

Waitress: I'll be right back with your order then.

While the waitress is fixing his drink, Isiah attempts to unfold his napkin on to his lap, only to mistake the table jukebox for his lap, making something of a curtain over the CD selector.

Waitress: Okay sir here is your shot, along with your salt and lime. Are you ready to order your meal?

Isiah: I think so, I'm just having some trouble. What would you recommend?

Waitress: Well, the French Toast Grand Slam is always a favorite, and the Fruit Salad is a yummy and healthy option.

Isiah: Hmm, each has their strong points, and I know my nutritionist, wife, children, and probably everyone else in the world would want me to choose the healthy Fruit plate... but I saw something in the menu about Nachos covered in beef and cheese, how about that?

Waitress: Nachos Nuevos?! That really has no place here. I mean rarely does it even come out good, and even when it does you only regret your decision later. I honestly can't imagine this working out in your favor.

Isiah: Oh well that's only because you aren't a Coach and GM of an NBA team. These decisions just come easy to me.

Waitress: I can't imagine what is going on in your head. Well you get a side with your breakfast. I would highly recommend something healthy, maybe some toast, eggs or even a grapefruit possibly?

Isiah: It may seem like good side order is the only thing that can save this breakfast, and the home fries are available... Oh you have Tiramisu! I love Tiramisu! My I would love to have me some of that with my meal.

Waitress: What? That's not even a side dish, that's a dessert! Why are you focused on dessert, when you really ought to get your breakfast together first? I give up. Anything else you want?

Isiah: I want some of the sweet ass of yours honey.

Waitress: Of course, your sexual harassment lawsuit is coming right up.

Negotiations Between Pete Carroll and Arthur Blank

2008-01-09T16:11:00.000-05:00

Arthur Blank: Thanks for sitting down with me, Pete. As I'm sure you know, we've had an incredibly difficult season here in Atlanta. First it was Michael and the dogfighting, then Petrino -THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!!!! ehm, sorry about that- just decided to leave us in the middle of the season.

Pete Carroll: I totally understand, Mr. Blank. Though we had a great season at USC, capped off with a dominating Rose Bowl victory, I feel as if the time has come for me to come back into the NFL. I think that the Falcons are a talented team, and that with some good coaching and drafting, we could make a playoff run next year. I do have some requests, however.

Blank: Please, I'm more than willing to negotiate.

Carroll: Fantastic. I'm looking to make a long term commitment, so we're going to have to come together on nothing less than a 22 year contract.

Blank: My goodness, Pete, that's fantastic! I'm glad to see your dedication.

Carroll: Good, I'm glad we're understanding each other on that. Now, if there's anything I've learned from other college coaches who tried to make it in the NFL, it's that as soon as the going gets tough, you get the hell out of there. So, I've got a number of other conditions:
1. If more than one player in a given week says something negative to the media, I'm out.
2. If we lose three games in a row, or more, I have the right to terminate my contract.
3. If any player is ever late for practice or a team meeting, I will cut him and then leave the team permanently.
How do we feel about that, Mr. Blank?

Blank: Pete... I really thought you would be dedicated to this team. I thought you wanted to stick it out with us through the hard times and make the Falcons a perennial contender.

Carroll: I do, Mr. Blank. Well, I guess I don't. I want to win, sir!

Blank: Get the hell out of my office.

Carroll: But, Mr. Blank!

Blank: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY OFFICE!!!

[Carroll leaves, Blank sobs gently into a handkerchief.]

Blank: Christine, please send in Steve Spurrier.

The Occasional Sports Ticker that Doesn't Actually Scroll Across Your Screen Like It Does on Sports Pickle

2008-01-08T21:00:00.000-05:00

-Everywhere I keep seeing that "Brady" won offensive player of the year, and it makes me think, Brady Quinn barely even played, man.
-Matt Ryan excited to be second quarterback in 12 month span to give Jet fans hope and subsequently take it all away.
-Ohio State feeling pretty comfortable it can hold on to that 10 point lead against LSU.
-Just checking in: Gregg Easterbrook of ESPN predicted after week one of the NFL season that Bill Belichick would be fired in order to save the Patriots. How'd that work out there, Gregg?
-Jose Canseco thinks baseball Hall of Fame voters are racist because they put McGwire in and not him. Wait, huh?
-After receiving a blowjob from her, Terell Owens no longer sees Jessica Simpson as a distraction to the Cowboys.

It's Bigger than We All Thought

2008-01-08T16:13:00.000-05:00

[On the set of The Sports Reporters] Mike Lupica: And so... another tough loss for the Knicks... maybe if they can pull... together... no, no more. Fuck this shit. This team is a bag of ass shat directly out of Julio Franco's lower intestine. Fuck you, Isiah. Look what you've done... LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!!!!!!!! [Lupica given a sedative, taken away on a stretcher]

[Darth Sidious turns off the television] Darth Sidious: Good... good. You have done well, my young apprentice. The entire media has turned against the New York Knickerbockers, we have almost finished them. Describe once more how you've slowly destroyed one of basketball's most storied franchises.

Isiah Thomas: It was all too easy, master. Almost immediately upon arriving as team president, I traded for the most cancerous player I could find: Marbury. I went so far as to give them false hope, making the playoffs in my first year. Any thought of further improvement was soon squashed, however. The number of ridiculous contracts that I brought in is unrivaled! Malik Rose, Jerome James, Jamal Crawford, Penny Haradaway, Jalen Rose, and Steve Francis! I am not a bad general manager, I am a historically bad general manager! The transformation of the Knicks from the Riley/Van Gundy Era is complete!

Darth Sidious: Not quite yet. I have heard rumblings that David Stearn is considering shutting down the Knicks for good because you've made them such an embarrassment. There is one thing left to do, and the destruction of this team will be complete: Make David Lee, our lone bright spot, a selfish and dirty player. Have him make trouble at a strip club, whatever it takes! When this is complete, we can finally kill the puppet James Dolan.

[Evil cackles]

Fuck This, I'm Out

2008-01-05T01:00:00.000-05:00

I've finally been pushed too far. Just because I look lik we a beaten up Adam Sandler with a goofy haircut doesn't mean I don't have feelings, too. You bastards heard me right, I want a trade out of this sad excuse for a city. Willis pulled it off last year, so why can't I?

I mean, I guess it helped that McGahee was actually a good player. But, come on, my record speaks for itself! I led this team to a 7-9 record last year. That's one win away from mediocrity! My 19 touchdowns and 14 interceptions were practically Pro Bowl worthy numbers. Well, I mean, if you add ten touchdowns and subtract five picks, I'm right up there with the best! Right? Guys?

No response? That's what I'm used to from this team, anyway. This year, after Everett almost got "paralyzed for life" (exaggeration, hello!) no one stopped to say, "Oh, J.P., you played great today!" There was no "J.P., are you going to be OK after seeing your teammate injured like that?" It was all about Kevin and how Kevin was doing.

That Trent Edwards is a real piece of shit, anyway. Just because he has a great attitude and better overall skills than me doesn't mean he should replace me. I've been fucking with that guy all year long, just so he knows who the real starting quarterback is in these parts. That little shit didn't think everything was so cool when I called him and told him Kevin died in a hospital bed. That really showed him.

Anyway, I'm ready to take my considerable talents to a contender who will really appreciate me. Someone like the Jets, maybe. I've always heard they've been tolerant of new players breaking into the system. I'm going to a be a star, a huge star! And you're all going to be sorry you didn't appreciate Jonathan Paul while he was here!

Oh, and Everett, I ate all your pudding while you were knocked out by morphine, bitch!

That's Amore!

2007-12-24T12:29:00.001-05:00

You heard it here first, Domenico from A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila is getting his own show!

That's right, the Italian Stallion Domenico Nessi is looking for "an all-American hottie tired of typical, lame American guys." He believes he will find true love, just like Tila did with this dude. The show will be called That's Amore!. ("That's Love" in italian, because you know, he's italian, in case you forgot.)

And the best part? He decided he needs a "consigliere" to help him with his decisions. And who did he choose, Mr. TILA!!! himself, Ashley. (He is Marshall).

Casting is going on now, so if you want your ~~Shot at Love~~ chance for Amore, go to www.thatsamorecasting.com.

There is no way this show will not be awesomely awesome.

P.S. In case you missed it, Brady Quinn came in second place.

Eli Manning Sucks

2007-12-23T10:38:00.000-05:00

Holy shit, Eli Manning is an awful quarterback. I mean, watching this guy try to connect with receivers is akin to New York's search for true love: you might think something good is going on, and maybe it even is for a while, but it will ultimately turn to shit. I find it hard to believe that there are really Giants fans who feel confident in Eli week to week. Anyway, my real goal here is to disabuse Giants fans from the ridiculous notion that Eli and Peyton's first four years were identical, tricking themselves into believing that the atrocious Eli is going to turn himself into a great quarterback in the next two years. Since Eli didn't play much his first year, we'll be only looking at completion percentage for that year. (Note that Eli's fourth year is still in progress)

Touchdowns
Eli - 24, 24, 19
Peyton - 26, 33, 26
Touchdowns are actually pretty close, but Passing Yards and Completion % is where Peyton really takes off.

Passing Yards
Eli - 3762, 3244, 2974
Peyton - 4135, 4413, 4131

Completion Percentage
Eli - 48.2, 52.8, 57.7, 55.6
Peyton - 56.7, 62.1, 62.5, 62. 7

And yeah, I know QB Ratings are flawed, but let's take a look anyway.
Eli - 75.9, 77.0, 72.6
Peyton - 90.7, 94.7, 84.1

So not only has Eli never had a better rating than Peyton, but he's never even been above the league average.

The decision: Holy shit, Eli Manning sucks.

The Hungry Fella

2007-12-07T18:10:00.000-05:00

Take this story about Shaq wanting his teammates to get him the ball over and pretend he's talking about cheese burgers instead of basketballs. Makes the whole thing much funnier, really.

Charles Barkley at a Pittsburgh Steelers Game

2007-12-02T22:50:00.000-05:00

"That Towel is just TRBL. That is a TRBL Towel."

I'm Starting to Think These Guys Just Don't Get It

2007-11-29T16:00:00.000-05:00

Rich Eisen. You sly, rabbit humping mother licker. Don't you know I listen to WFAN 24 hours a day? Don't you realize that when you're on that station, your soul becomes mine? I will not let your foolishness go by without being mocked. I heard you on Joe Benigno and Evan Roberts in the morning today, and if you think I'm going to let this shit slide, you've got another thing coming, you polish bike riding bastard.

Now, please realize, my 4 readers, that I am paraphrasing this bigtime. I could be off by several words here, but let's just try to have some fun with this. Eisen was talking to Benigno and Roberts about the Packers-Cowboys game tonight when he broke out this gem:

Roberts: Well let's hope the NFL Network does a good job and doesn't turn the game into a Brett Favre lovefest.
Eisen: ...Why would that be a bad thing?

Eisen, despite working for ESPN at one point, is a relatively intelligent man. Why doesn't the mainstream media understand that the public (outside of Green Bay) does not want to hear about the shape of Favre's scrotum? Once that ball get rolling, the talks of how much he smiles will start, and then God knows we're going to get the inevitable Romo-Favre comparison. 'Cause they're both GUNSLINGERS!!! They improvise, don't you get it?

Go _____ Rays!

2007-11-29T14:10:00.000-05:00

So Tampa Bay has finally exorcised themselves and dropped the cursed "Devil" from their name. Losing the intimidation linked to the one creature capable of offing the late great Steve Irwin, they are now named after a geometric figure:

Scary Ain't it?

Well that got us thinking, what if other teams get inspired by the brevity going on, and shorten their own name? It worked for Prince. What could happen? Maybe this:

-Washington RedSkins drop the "Red" from their name, go only by 'Skins. Meaning of course, they play with no shirts on.

-Philadelphia 76ers decide 76 is too high of a number, finish season as the Philadelphia 14s

-Portland Trail Blazers are now simply called Blazers, wear "business casual" uniforms.

-Randall Gay decides to go by one name. He picks Gay. It was a 50-50 shot.

-M. Night Shyamalan shortens his name to avoid confusion. He will now go by "that douche who made signs"

-Charlotte Bobcats, fearing action from PETA, drop "cats". The Bobs represent the everyman.

-Hofstra University Flying Dutchmen change names to Hofstra Dutch Oven. No one goes to home Basketball games.

-South Carolina GameCocks shorten their name to just "Game." Wasn't expecting that.

-New Jersey Devils also see the problem with "Devil" but really have no choice.

-Tennessee Titans drop unnecessary letters, are called the "Tits." Trade Vince Young for four Cheerleaders, a team masseuse, and a sideline reporter to be named later.

-University of Las Vegas change from "Runnin' Rebels" to "Runnin' Train." Fucking right.

Inside the Huddle with Jon Kitna

2007-11-26T17:33:00.000-05:00

Kitna: Ok, guys, we're gonna run a Don't-have-sex-before-marriage Stretch 25 Left.

Kevin Jones: Jon, can we stop with this preachy bullshit? It's really starting to wear on the team. Hell, half of us converted to Islam last week, so we don't really appreciate your beliefs.

Kitna: I suppose I can forgive you, Kevin, you clearly have not seen the light yet. As the Lord says of Job in Job 2:8, "Have you noticed my servant Job, and that there is no one on earth like him, blameless and upright, fearing God and avoiding evil?"

Calvin Johnson: ...So you're like Job?

Kitna: Exactly! All right, BREAK! Set...

Kitna gets flagged for a delay of game penalty.

Kitna: Whoa, Mr. Referee, can we be reasonable here? I was just informing my barbarous teammates--

Ed Hochuli: Shut the FUCK up and get back in the huddle you little Christian pansy! I am this close to ripping off your nose and sticking it up my ass as a butt plug!!!

Kitna: Ed, we're both adults here, let's try to work this out. As the Lord our God said in Genesis, "Be fruitful and multiply."

Jones: Uh, John, that's completely irrelevant to what psycho-ref is saying to us.

Hochuli: You're goddamn right it's irrelevant! You one of those priests, Kitna? You think it's OK to go around touching on little boys and whatnot? It's SICK, that's what it is, Kitna.

Kicks Kitna in the groin and knocks out four of his teeth.

Hochuli: That's what you get you child molesting son of a bitch!

Kitna: Ugh... let's get back into the game. It's going to be an 81 deep cross to Calvin, and remember to go to confession this week.

Play results in an incompletion as Calvin lets it slip right through his hands.

Kitna: Calvin, have you not been practicing your beatitudes? Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

Roy Williams: Wooooo, I got a first down, yeahhhhh!!!!

Kitna: Roy, that was three quarters ago. You are aware that pride is one of the seven deadly sins right? Kevin Spacey was all up on that in Se7en.

Jones: Enough is enough! Let's get him!!!

Kitna: Noooo! Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!

Ed Hochuli: Johnny, I ain't sinned since I cut off Little Jimmy's big toes back in the seventh grade. I'd be glad to begin.

Kitna: ...Fuck.

Every Morning in the Robinson House

2007-11-26T13:17:00.000-05:00

We see Nate Robinson in his room. Fast asleep in his racecar bed underneath his framed autographed poster of Spud Webb.

Nate (Dreaming): What's that Isaiah? Yeah I'd love to play center! Mr. Stern? The greatest Slam Dunk Contest you've ever seen? Wow thanks...

Nate's Mom: NATHANIEL! WAKE UP! You gonna be late for practice!

Nate: Aww Momma please just 5 more minutes....

Mom: Hell no, you best be getting the fuck out of that bed before I bust your head in with this wooden spoon.

Nate: But this race-car bed is so comfy...

Mom: C'mon! There's Alpha-Bits in the kitchen.

Nate: Oh snap! Wait, you got the ones with the marshmallows right? The box with just the cereal is a bigger letdown than Mardy Collins

Mom: Extra mallows, just like you like.

Nate: Holla!

Now downstairs, Nate proceeds to inhale his breakfast.

Mom: Now eat those Flintstone Vitamins! They gonna help you grow up nice and tall.

Nate: You know Mama, I don't think that really worked out.

Mom: Oh hush up. Nathaniel, did they ever catch that gorilla that escaped from the Zoo and gave you that black eye?

Nate: No Momma, the search continues.

Mom: That's a shame. You know I got a call from your commissioner last night. You misbehavin' again?

Nate: Momma I swear he started it!

Mom: You know I ain't hearin none of that.

Nate: But Momma Carmelo called me "Noodle-Head Nate." You know how much I hate that.

Mom: Carmelo said that? I'm gonna have a talk with his Momma.

Nate: Mom don't, that'll just make things worse!

Mom: Well then do you promise to stop fighting?

Nate: Yes Ma'am.

Mom: Do you promise to stop missing 3 pointers?

Nate: What?

Here Nate throws a tantrum and runs back up to bed. His Mom tries to talk to him through the locked door.

Mom: Hey c'mon sweetie, I didn't mean it. And seriously, you really need to get to practice.

Nate: Practice? We're talking about practice? We're not talking about a game, we're talking about practice.

Mom: I hate his new friends.

Genie Visits New England

2007-11-15T10:53:00.000-05:00

Genie, in his infinite wisdom, grants each player one wish...

Tom Brady - "I wish Giselle and Bridget would agree to that threesome I keep asking for"

Wes Welker - "I wish I was black...but only for the better touchdown dances"

Teddy Bruschi - "I wish the voices in my head would stop yelling so I could finish my Yoga"

Randy Moss - "I wish Ricky Williams comes back. Bitch knows he owes me 50 bucks"

Junior Seau - "I wish I wasn't like 48 years old"

Asante Samuel - "I wish McDonalds would bring back the McRib"

Rodney Harrison - "I wish HGH came in better flavors"

Laurence Maroney - "I wish I'd get a goddamn touchdown! What the fuck is it, week 11 already!?"

Donte Stallworth - "I wish I'd get a pass once in a while. Tom, I'm Open! Fuck Moss and Welker"

Mike Vrabel - "I wish Belichick would let me play Styx in the locker room"

Bill Belichick - "What the fuck are you doing here Genie!? I said you can't play! Get your smoky blue ass back in that Fucking Lamp!"

Warren Sapp Calls a Chinese Restaurant

2007-11-14T17:12:00.000-05:00

China Royale: China Royale, how may I help you?

Warren Sapp: Yooooo, is this Yao Ming? I ain't seen that dude since hiiigh skoo.

CR: Why the hell would Yao Ming be here? He's a basketball player for Christ's sake. We are a simple Chinese restaurant.

WS: Whatever, forget it. This is Warren Sapp, professional football player and leader of Fat Fucks Anonymous. I hope you're ready for a huge order, I just called up Joey Chestnut and Refrigerator Perry and we're going to have ourselves the biggest meal you ever did see.

CR: Chestnut... The Fridge... No, no, no, I'm sorry, we're not going to be able to help you, we do not have the capabilities of handling an order that large.

WS: Listen up, Ping-Pong, I've got a real man's appetite, and I wont' be having any of that sissy bullshit. I've got one sniper at the front of the store and one out back, and they'd love to make your acquaintance if you're not able to handle my order.

CR: You've got my attention. Please continue.

WS: First, we're going to need 4 gallons of Hot and Sour Soup for each guy in attendance. Don't put that shit in a big bowl or nothing, I want it pumped through my veins with an IV. This way, I can watch Bridge on the River Quai without having to lift my ladle to my mouth. Hey Shoo-Shoo, you ever heard of that Porky Pig character?

CR: Yes, I've seen his cartoons.

WS: He's a silly son of a bitch, ain't he? Always stammering on about all sorts of jibber-jabber; it gives me the giggles! Ahem, let's get back to business. I'm going to need 72 pieces of General Tso's Chicken, and I want you to wrap each piece in one of those little jewelry boxes you put rings in. I want it to feel like I'm opening some sort of fantastic present every time I pop one of those tasty morsels in my bear trap of a mouth.

CR: You got it. Would you like any noodles with that?

WS: How did you know that I loved noodles, Chairman Mao? Noodles are great, but in their un-evolved form they don't really do much for me. Now, I want you to build with the noodles a replica of the log cabin that Abraham Lincoln was born in, as described in his autobiography, "Stovepipe Hats and Me: Living the Straight Life as a Gay Man."

CR: Godammit, tell the sniper to get the red dot off my chest, I'm doing everything you ask.

WS: Aw, don't worry, that's just Ryan Leaf. I've never met a more level-headed fellow in my life. He's going to take real good care of you.

Ryan Leaf: Fuck my life!!!!!!!!!

WS: Don't worry Ryan, I'm gettin' you some mother fuckin' dumplings, the whole thang is gonna be delicious, baby.

RL: I'm confused! Which one is my end zone?!

WS: Mr. Chinaman, you better hurry up and get that out before he snaps.

CR: Shit, shit, shit. What else do you want?

WS: Gimme some o' that duck sauce, that good shit. But i want enough to bathe in it, so I'm going to need somewhere in the upper ten thousands of packets, you feel me?

CR: Fine. Anything else.

WS: Yeah, you know that figure skatin' chick, Michelle Kwan? Bring her over, too.

CR: Yeah, sure, Michelle Kwan, whatever you want, Fats.

WS: How much is that going to come to?

CR: Free, just leave me the hell alone. You don't call here no more!!!

WS: All right, then. Chop Chop, get the delivery bitch down here immediately. Warren needs a backrub with a side of happy ending. And don't forget Leaf's dumplings; things will be bad for you if you forget his dumplings.

Ryan Leaf: I think I just sharted.

Inside the Knicks Locker Room

2007-11-13T17:38:00.001-05:00

Isiah: Does anyone know where Stephon went?

Zach Randolph: Who? Is he the guy with the long hair?

Renaldo: No, that's me you dumb fuck.

Randolph: Haha, sorry, I am high as SHIT right now.

Isiah: Zach, I thought we agreed on no illegal narcotics two hours before gametime?

Randolph: I couldn't help it coach, the weed was callin' me.

Isiah: Goddammit, Zach. Eddy, what's wrong?

Eddy Curry: I'm hungry.

Nate Robinson: You just had three footlong subs and a cheesecake, how the hell are you still hungry, tubs?

Curry: I dunno, missing free throws works up my appetite.

Isiah: ...So no Stephon then? I guess... we have to start...

Mardy Collins: Me, coach, start me!!!

Isiah: Oh, shit no, there is no way in hell you are ever going to start again on one of my teams. No, I've decided that I'm coming out of retirement for tonight's game.

Curry: Are we still going to Baskin Robbins after the game?

Isiah: I told you, if you hit half of your free throws tonight, we'll go.

Curry: Solid, I'm gonna go have a pre game snack.

They all hear a distant rumbling, which grows louder by the second. No, it can't be...
Vin Baker: Who's ready to get fucked in the ass?!

Isiah: Security, hurry! Vin, how the hell did you get in this building?

Vin Baker: Do it even matter? I just drank three bottles of Hennessey and I am ready to FUCK SOMEBODY UP!

Nate: Don't worry guys, I can take him.

Isiah: Nate I know you're borderline psychotic, but once Baker starts moving he absolutely cannot be stopped.

Nate: Shit. Let's get out of here.

Marbury enters, clearly high as shit.

Marbury: Goddamn, Vin, how you doin'?!

Vin smashes Marbury in the face with a cricket bat and proceeds to eat his brains.

Marbury: Nooooo, if only I had made more expensive sneakkkkkerrrrsssss.....

David Lee: That was awesome, let's go run a train.

Questions Only between Chad Pennington and Eric Mangini

2007-11-13T13:41:00.001-05:00

Chad: Hey Coach, can I start on Sunday?

Mangini: Can you throw the ball more than 20 yards?

Chad: Why would I need to throw the ball more than 20 yards?

Mangini: Chad, do you realize how many people are in the Facebook Group Kellen Clemens must replace Chad Pennington NOW!?

Chad: What's a Facebook?

Mangini: Forget it benchwarmer, do you think you can go a game without getting sacked?

Chad: Can't you just blame the Offensive Line for that?

Mangini: Can't you just suck my dick?

Chad: If I do will you let me start?

Mangini: Holy shit you're serious, do you realize you have less than half the yards of Brett Favre?

Chad: That guy still plays?

Mangini: Well somehow you have less interceptions than Peyton Maning, did you know that?

Chad: I promise I can catch up! Can you just give me another chance?

Mangini: Maybe, can you hit Coles on a deep post?

Chad: Can I use the NERF Vortex Howler?

Mangini: So you can throw perfect spirals every time like John Elway!?

Chad: Yeah Coach! Wouldn't that be fun?

Mangini: No Cocksmoker, that would be a waste of my goddamn time. Don't you got some season-ending injury to suffer?

Chad: Nope I got lucky this year! So this means I'm in?

Mangini: Do I look like a bitch?

Chad: What?

Mangini: Do...I...look...like...a...bitch?

Chad: What?

Mangini: What country you from?

Chad: What?

Mangini: Do they speak English in What?

Chad: What?

Mangini: English Motherfucker do you speak it?

Chad: Coach that Sam Jackson impression is getting good, have you been practicing?

Mangini: Can you tell?

Chad: It sounds good, but before you go into Ezekiel 25:17, can you tell me if I'm starting?

Mangini: Will you stop asking me?

Chad: Yes, please I'll do anything just let me start!

Mangini: Uh-oh, that wasn't a question...

Chad: Oh Shit! I mean, uh, well, I was asking...

Mangini: Too late bitch-ass, you lose. Enjoy the bench. Clemens get over here! You're in shitface, don't fuck this up!

Chad: Tittyfuck

Fatheads I Would Totally Buy

2007-11-12T18:55:00.001-05:00

Donald Rumsfeld -

Great for the little Secretary of Defense in your life

George Michael -

Add some WHAM! to your wall

Quailman -

With the ability to stay up past his own bed time!

Mountain Dew Code Red -

C'mon, who cares it lowers your sperm count? It tastes Awesome!

Jesus -

If you don't buy this, you're going to hell

A-Rod: Universal Bitch, Part II

2007-11-12T16:20:00.000-05:00

As our story opens, Alex recently got away from Boras' taunting and is calling George Steinbrenner to tell him he's opting out of his contract.

Alex: Mr. Steinbrenner?

George: Is this Billy Martin?! I already told you you were fired, you lazy eyed fuck!

Alex: No, sir, this is Alex Rodriguez, or "Gay-Rod," as some of the fans have begun to affectionately call me. And I don't have a lazy eye; you might be referring to the slight limp I've acquired since being double teamed by my agent and Reggie Jackson.

George: Oh yeah, Scotty told me all about that. You still listening to that Ben Stefanie garbage?

Alex: Her name is Gwen Stefani, and you know that, Mr. Steinbrenner. It helps me relax after a long day of carrying your team.

George: That's enough of your yellow bellied bullshit. Do you have any idea how much I bought the Yankees for? And what they're worth now?! I could buy your soul, use it as a one time toilet like those vagrants do with stalled cars on the side of the road, and set it on fire.

Alex: I didn't want to have to do this, but you're forcing me to use my outside voice. I'm opting out of my contract, and you can't stop me! ...That felt amazing; I've never been so bold before, it's given me a tinkle in my dinkle-doo!

George: Dinkle-doo? Alex, let me tell you an amusing anecdote. When I was 14 I met a young man who referred to his dick as a dinkle-doo. I beat him over the head with Wonderboy and stole three of his fingernails. Now, do you want to rethink your previous statement?

Alex: Mr. Steinbrenner, I just can't handle this town. The other day I caught Jeter by his locker masturbating to a picture of himself . I heard Shelley Duncan talking about a foursome he had with four Vietnamese senior citizens. And, I mean, Christ, did you know that Torre sits in his office for hours after games staring at the wall and saying "Both teams played hard," over and over again?!

George: Alex, perhaps you're really not cut out for this town. This means that there's only one solution. A... final solution.

Alex: ...What are you saying, sir?

George: Alex, let's let facts be facts- you're the best goddamn player in baseball. If you go to play for those fairy Red Sox, they're a lock to win the series; if you play for the Mets, well, that's just an embarrassment. I'm going to have to kill you.

Alex: Put the gun away, you crazy old liver spotted fucker! I'm out of here!

Super George: ::George raises the revolver, fires three shots into the now closed door:: Ah, shit, I missed. I guess that bastard's gone forever. Who am I gonna get to play third base?

Alex: Whew, that was a close call. I guess it's time to hold teams hostage for all of their money!

Don't forget to come back for Part III, where Alex will negotiate a new contract while trying to stay away from Super George.

A Short Biography of Jesse Palmer

2007-11-11T17:19:00.000-05:00

Jesse Archibald Palmer was born on July 4, 1812. He has no mother because he sprung out of his father Joe the Fatass' left thigh during a duel with Edward the Black Prince, who led the Honolulu Hamburgers to a 54-7 win over the Hamburg Doodybombs in the Battle of Hastings in 1066 AD. Palmer's father immediately threw Jesse in a perfect spiral into the head of Edward the Black Prince, and thus the game of football was invented.

Palmer spent his childhood hunting down the evil remnants of Julius Caesar's Shrine of the Silver monkey. Unfortunately, three pieces slipped his grasp and made their way to the set of a children's television show, Legends of the Hidden Temple. Upon finding the last of the Dead Sea scrolls, he accidentally released Bill Belichick's soul from the ninth circle of Hell, where Satan had been skinning him.

In the 1800's Palmer unsuccessfully ran for president of the United States 17 times for the Diarrhea Party. Calling for better toilet paper in yet to be invented public bathrooms, his cause was not fulfilled until Elizabeth Cady Stanton took up the cause in the late 19th century. After spending most of the early to mid 20th century searching for the Fountain of Youth, Palmer eventually found it by drinking the liquid coming out of Al Gore's asshole after Gore invented the internet.

After being drafted into the NBA under the alias Lenny Bias, Palmer died of a cocaine overdose before he ever played a game for the expansion franchise Boston Celtics. Local priest Larry Bird called it "a sad day for clergymen everywhere."

After successfully inventing caviar, Palmer entered the University of Florida as a freshman in the late 1990s in order to set a new record for number of co-eds knocked up in one semester. He soon tired of this and decided to join the football team. He took on Rex Grossman as his young Padowan and taught him how to become a Sex Cannon. After cloning himself to play as a shitty ass quarterback who couldn't beat out Kerry Collins, the real Palmer went to Iran and kicked Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in the balls for being such a fucking asshole.

Palmer is now a college football analyst for ESPNnews, where he makes minimum wage. "I'm not in it for the money; they let me have a shot at Erin Andrews after every show, so I can't complain." He lives in Stockholm, Sweden with his pet panda bear Mi-shu and his son, Larry David.

In Case You Missed It:

2007-11-10T13:25:00.000-05:00

The NHL Has Started!

"This is SPARTA!"

No seriously, and they played like 15 games...

The Pacific Conference is Really Tight
First and Fifth is separated by only three points. Yes, points, I know I know just deal with it.

The Redwings are Really Good
Well of course, this is Dr. Cox's team so we all knew they'd bitch everyone around, and call the Blackhawks "Betty."

Swedish Guy with Beard is Points Leader
Naturally, some dude named Henrik is the scoring leader. Crosby is up there and will probably pass him soon enough. Actually, I have no fucking idea, but I heard of this Crosby kid. Possibly only because his name looks like Cosby.

Martin Brodeur is Old
Dude can't hack it no more. He's a legend in the game, but he's 35, and has a 2.83 goals agains average (Again, I don't know what that means but he's ranked 30th in the NHL). Fortunately, you are still allowed to call yourself MarTAN when blocking your friend from grabbing your shit.

Alright, that's enough. There's all you need to no about Hockey. If you really have a craving for the puck, just watch D2: The Might Ducks on Encore. Check back in 8 months when this long-ass season is finally over, and we'll tell you why nobody watched the Stanley Cup.

"Fuck You Barry Melrose! Back to NFL News!"

Ha, I Am Your God

2007-11-09T22:02:00.000-05:00

You see what this is? This is my new fuckin' haircut.

Yeah, you know you wanna click that badass link at the top of this post. You know why? 'Cause I'm the fuckin' man, and everyone should know it. You think I got to be this handsome by sitting on my ass drinking Milwaukee's Best Lite and eating Goldfish? Fuck no, man. These guns were sculpted by countless hours at the gym while simultaneously supermanning hos.

What's that? You can't stop looking at my headband? You want to know how much this cost, you fucking pauper? $200. Yeah, that's right, two hundred big badass American smackeroos. It's made out of ostrich scrotum. Little known fact: that stuff was outlawed in the late 19th century, but I managed to talk to some of my Australian homies and they had it specially made for me.

I bet you're wondering what the 5 on the end of my bat means. The number on my jersey?! That what you wish it was, you poor bastard. No, I'm afraid that was the number of women I had in my bed last night. I didn't even use a condom! There's going to be mini-Davids running around all over the place, running a train on all those who do not recognize my amazing abilities.

Can you even begin to understand the true meaning of my pussy getting powers? I won the Gold Glove at third base this year, and I came in second in the voting for Gold Glove at catcher. Now you may be saying, "David, you had 21 errors this year, how the hell did you win the Gold Glove?" ...'Cause I'm David Wright, dipshit! You think errors have anything to do with being a good fielder? It's all about who looks the very best out there in the field. And... come on, we all know who that is.

You think Derek Jeter's the only guy in this town who has his own cologne? I'm working on my own right now; it's called Essence of David. Basically, it's my piss. Yeah, it sounds a little weird at first, but I consistently piss excellence. Think of it like Michael's Secret Stuff from Space Jam, goddamn it do I love that movie.

Some other things you might not know about me:
>You know the last chapter of the seventh Harry Potter book? The whole thing is a metaphor for when me and J.K. Rowling did it.
>I wrote the Bill Belichick post.
>I created and destroyed the ManBearPig

Time to pop that collar....

Shaquille O'Neal's Plans for the Future

2007-11-09T18:32:00.000-05:00

1) Hang around under basket, wait for pass

2) Call Universal Studios about Kazaam 2: The Next Wish

3) Massage D. Wade's knees so he can heal quicker

4) ~~Work on Free Throws~~ <---- Haha, fuck that!

5) Eat a full-grown Bear for Dinner tonight

6) "Retire" from Basketball, fail miserably at minor league Baseball, Star in Cartoon/Live Action movie, Make triumphant return to NBA

7) Start Wearing a Cowboy Hat 24/7 (Cowboys are the new Pirates)

8) Beat Guitar Hero III

9) Continue Hitting on HEATDancers

10) Get one of those "MySpace" Pages (to relate to my young fans)

11) Finish Watching 'A-Team' DVDs Anfernee gave me for X-mas

12) Buy a Tiger <---- So Badass!

13) Complete Gallon of Milk in one Hour Challenge, Win $20 from Gilbert Arenas

14) Learn Karate (So I can start bustin' heads in UFC)

15) Take Advantage of Writer's Strike by pitching "LoveShaq" reality show VH1 Would LOVE This!!!!

Dennis Miller Sucks

2007-11-08T19:16:00.000-05:00

Now, I try to avoid making fun of people who are more successful than me under most circumstances. Except this. And this. Oh, and this! And, being the good natured (re: asshole) that I am, I wanted to avoid this at all costs. But oh, Dennis Miller, you are too much. The commercial for Miller's new show was broadcast on 660 WFAN all week, and it is a doozy. Some excerpts from the commercial: (I don't remember exactly, so I'm paraphrasing a bit)

"Now, folks, I don't mean to be the turd in the punchbowl, but calling big time collegiate athletes "students" is like calling Dr. J an M.D.

Oh, Dennis, you are fucking edgy. You may be the first person in the history of the NCAA to suggest that college athletes might not go to class or hand in assignments. Someone call ESPN, this has got to be reported ASAP! I mean, the thing you have to understand about Dennis is that not only does he have things to say, but he's not afraid to say them.

"Folks, reading the sports pages these days is more depressing than watching Britney dance!"

Huh? What is so depressing about sports today that wasn't there 10 or 20 years ago? And not only is Dennis edgy, but he knows his pop culture! Get it?! BRITNEY IS FAT AND GROSS!!!!1 Nothing really hits home with the kids quite like a Britney Spears Joke! Right guys? ...Right?

"What is it going to take to make us turn away? I guess al-Qaeda is going to have to buy the Cowboys and win the Super Bowl on the back of a rejuvenated OJ. And don't laugh, folks, Juice looked pretty spry on his latest perp-walk."

...Dennis, you've lost me. OK, so there's al-Qaeda and... OJ? Look, he makes juxtapositions that don't make sense! If you don't laugh, it means you're not smart enough to get it.

Dennis, spewing unfunny foolishness that makes no sense does not equal funny.

Oh, and, this is what real humor is.

Being Bland with ESPN's Own National Voice: Gene Wojciechowski

2007-11-08T19:00:00.000-05:00

Some of Gene's thoughts* on recent sports news:

"You know, the Celtics really have a shot at being a playoff team this year."
"The Patriots, if they play exceptionally well, could go undefeated."
"Having a regular season NFL game in London? What's next, NBA in China?"
"Alex Rodriguez may not be worth $350 million."
"It seems Andy Reid may have some troubles at home."
"Call me crazy, but I think there's a chance OJ might have done it... the robbery, not the throat slicing!"
"Anyone ever notice Terrell Owens has kind of a big mouth?"
"Little known fact: Ray Lewis often dances in a humorous yet terrifying manner before games."
"I think that Adrian Peterson might have a productive career."
"Tank Johnson may have made some mistakes, but we should give him another chance."
"I think steroids may soon be an issue in baseball."
"I might be the first to notice this, but Shaquille O'Neal seems to have left his prime."
"That Tiger Woods sure is a ferocious competitor!"

*Gene did not actually say these things, but probably thought about them.

I could go on, but pretending to be Gene has caused me to fall asleep.

Jason Witten's Helmet-less Thoughts:

2007-11-08T10:16:00.000-05:00

Before the Snap:

"Did you hear that guys! We're doing 36 Dog-Fly! That's a pass to me! Yippee! Oh boy, I'm gonna wave to Mom! Hi M- oh shit he said hike..."

The Catch:

"Ooohh here it comes.....GOT IT! Woohoo! Oh man maybe I'll score a touchdown, that would be sweeeet. Just gonna turn around and....FUCK WHO ARE THESE GUYS!?!"

The Hit:

"Ouchie Ouchie Ouchie! Goddammit that hurt! My God why do I play this game? Well next pla- wait, I'm still fucking standing! How the fuck am I not dead? Well I guess I'll just keep on running..."

No Helmet? No Problem!

"Wait, something's different...Oh my God I can see everything! Praise JESUS! You know this feels pretty good, I should run around with no helmet more often. But wait...isn't there a reason we wear those things? I mean besides being a great place to keep a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich....Oh yeah in case I get hit like I did before! Well I better run really fucking fast then. Maybe Terrell will have a really funny touchdown dance for Mr. NakedFace. Ha, I made that nickname up right now! I'm so clev-"

The Hit Numero Dos:

"Ahh, Motherfucker got me! Well it was a good run, maybe I'll make Sportscenter's Top 10. Oh I hope that Suzy Kolber announces it, that bitch is in my Top 10, Hey-O! Well I guess all that's left to do now is have some nerdy dude stick his finger in my nose while this creepy teammate watches..."

WTF?

A-Rod: Universal Bitch

2007-11-07T17:18:00.000-05:00

The following conversation took place during Game 4 of the World Series. On stage in this edition of A-Rod: Universal Bitch are Scott Boras and Alex.

Alex: Scott, do you really think announcing that I'm opting out during a World Series game is a good idea?

Boras: Please, Alex, Mister Scott. And yes, you little pansy, this is how we're going to do it. I want to give those Yankees a good shot to the crotch when they least expect it, while simultaneously pissing off the Red Sox.

Alex: All right... if you say so. Don't you think this is going to make people dislike me even more? I mean, I once slapped the frikking ball out of that silly man who throws the ball's hand.

Boras: Could you please be a man and say "fuck" for once?

Alex: Eek! Mr. Scott, please don't offend my delicate ears in such a way! I just had them waxed?

Boras: You wax your ears, you girly man? I've heard enough, I'm going to have sex with your wife tonight.

Alex: Again?! You just had your way with her Saturday! She showed me the video. I really wish that you wouldn't do the Reverse Cowgirl on her.

Boras: Alex, that's a man's sex position. Just let that thought go from now, my bitch. I'm going to make you richer than Dante Bichette after he robbed that armored car!

Alex: Okey dokey! That means I can buy more of that sexy Derek Jeter perfume, right?

Boras: Uh... yeah, whatever, I guess. Alex, I want you to lay down on the ground, I'm going to put a golf tee in your mouth and hit a ball off it like in... in... what movie was that in?

Alex: Legally Blonde?

Boras: No, you queen! The Mask! That guy was such a badass.

Alex: My wife doesn't let me watch PG-13 movies, Mr. Scott.

Boras: Ha, oh yeah, she told me about that mid-moan on Saturday.

Alex: Whatever, sir, I wish you'd stop talking about my wife's No-No Zone.

Boras: That's because you're a bitch, Alex. Now go to the John Heyman you're opting out!

How will Alex handle opting out? Find out soon!

An interview with Andy Reid

2007-11-07T13:05:00.000-05:00

As you all know, Andy Reid's two sons, Britt and Garett have been sentenced to jail time for living in what one judge called, "a drug emporium." Recently Sports Illustrated caught up with the Eagles coach to hear his side of the story...

Sports Illustrated: Mr. Reid, the very house you and your family call home was recently reffered to as a "drug emporium".
How do you feel about this?

Andy Reid: [entering through a cloud of smoke] *cough* *cough* heeeyy man, I know you... you're that reporter man! hehe

SI: Yes that's correct, I'm there after every home game. So, do you feel that 23 months in prison is too harsh?

AR: jeez man, 23 months? bummer. good thing we have that bye week coming up...

SI: And do you feel responsible for your sons' actions? Bear in mind, they are 22 and 24 years old?

AR: hey whatever, it's like, they can still crash at my place, no big deal...I just hope those lazy asses clean up the dominoes boxes next time...hey man you got any of those cinna-stix? damn i got the munchies...

SI: With all this attention on your home life, do you feel prepared to take on the Redskins on Sunday?

AR: whoa man, the what-skins? listen dude, if saturday at Travis Henry's is gonna be as bitchin' as Randy Moss told me it's gonna be, I'm gonna have no idea what's happening on sunday...

SI: Clinton Portis is coming off a great week, with 196 yards against the Jets. How do you plan on stopping the run?

AR: no way Portis is gonna be there! that's one crazy dude. did he ever tell you that time we got so high we thought we could run through a brick wall? long story short - always wear a helmet when smokin' up, maybe knee-pads too

SI: Final question Mr. Reid...

AR: whoa whoa whoa, Mr. Reid is my father! you call me andy, or a-dawg if you want...

SI: Right, A-Dawg, anything final thoughts you want to leave the readers with?

AR: don't put twinkies on your pizza!

SI: Well then, this has been the most pointless interview. I hope you lose all your games and get fired.

AR: alright bro, you have a good one too. and hey you know what happened to that Ricky Williams? that guy had some good stuff...

A Day in the Life of Bill Belichick

2007-11-02T18:50:00.000-04:00

2:00am: Dream about new ways to score "fuck you" touchdowns.

3:00am: Wake up. Drink a cocktail of moose piss and virgin's souls.

3:15am: Get daily exercise by kicking puppies.

4:00am: Spend hours cackling about how you made Joe Gibbs your bitch.

7:00am: Game film. Study how many times Manning blinks, on the average, before each snap.

10:30am: Call Indianapolis police, tell them Bob Sanders has massive amounts of narcotics in his house, watch hilarity ensue.

11:00am: Work on evil cackle.

12:00pm: Create a new homeless guy sweatshirt. Those bad boys don't cut themselves!

1:00pm: Artificially inseminate whoever Tom Brady is sleeping with in order to make him want the big bucks that much more.

2:00pm: Lunch of Fat Bastard's diarrhea and kittens.

3:00pm: Arrive at practice, attempt to steal the souls of anyone who looks directly into your eyes. This succeeds 10% of the time.

3:30pm: Squeeze Moss' balls hard so he knows that he's YOUR bitch now.

4:30pm: Send 27 pizzas to Mangina's house, only to be disappointed when he eats all of them.

6:00pm: Have your personal secretary go to Bill Walsh's grave and spit on it.

7:00pm: Call Junior Seau and tell him he's a "Mary" until he cries.

8:00pm: Go to Wes Welker's house, tell him if he doesn't pull in 10 catches this week he'll start saying he has "deceptive speed." You know, like they say about every white receiver.

9:17pm-10:39pm: Sleep with the wives of every member of the Colts (coaching staff included!).

11:00pm: Shit fully baked potatoes for one full hour.

11:30pm: Call Parcells and tell him that you are "the master" now, and that he's old and weak. Bonus points for using a Darth Vader voice.

12:00am: Sacrifice one of Brady's goats, lock self in coffin bed till morning.

They beat me to it...

2007-11-02T15:32:00.000-04:00

Some clever son of a gun out there came up with a new nickname for the Red Sox rookie sensation. Since the young outfielder stole a base, and won America free tacos, he has been dubbed:

Tacoby Bellsbury

Seriously, how perfect is that? What other possible combination of first and last names has "aco" and "ell" already in it!? It's even in the right order! All year long I thought 'Jacoby' was a weird name, but now it all makes sense.

This is like the fat dude in *NSync being named Joey FatOne. I mean, that was pure magic, and now this is pretty close. Unless his name was like, Lee Pacos or Jimmy McFourthmeal, this could not be any better.

HEY EVERYBODY!!!

2007-10-30T21:20:00.000-04:00

Nobody is talking about the Colts! Isn't it incredible how Nobody is talking about the Colts! I mean, they are an undefeated team in the NFL, how is it that Nobody is talking about the Colts!?

"Maybe like, they just can't see me through my clever disguise, maybe."

ESPN Featured Comment Time!!!

2007-10-25T21:22:00.001-04:00

"If the Sox lose this game, this series gets very interesting. "

No waiiiii!

Where Are They Now?: Bill Romanowski

2007-10-25T20:17:00.000-04:00

2003 - Retires, slaughters a cow with his bear hands to appease Zeus.

2004 - Smashes his face into the wall 'cause he's mad hardcore. You think that's a bad idea? Pussy.

2005 - Has diarrhea every day for the calendar year. When asked why this was happening by Pedro Gomez, Romo projectile-diarrhead on him.

2006 - Considers a comeback to the NFL, decides to punch a kitten in the face instead.

2007 - Going under the alias Ubaldo Jiminez, he's starting for the Colorado Rockies tonight.

Where Are They Now?: Ted Williams

2007-10-25T20:13:00.000-04:00

He's dead, dumbass!