Thursday, January 31, 2008

Where's Wally?

That wily small-forward from Miami (Ohio) is on the loose again.   See if you can find him!















Tuesday, January 29, 2008

About Johan


Rarely do I enter the arena of serious journalism, but the signing of Johan Santana to the Mets has this chucklehead ready to give his unqualified opinion to the yearning masses:

Fuck and yes.

2007 was like going to Shea with promises of blowjobs and ice cream, only to have diarrhea poured on top of your head and kicked in the balls. They did nothing to get better in the off season, picking up a horrific hitting catcher (Brian Schneider) and trading away one of their best prospects (who was kind of a douchebag), Lastings Milledge. But that all changes today. Today the Mets have the best pitcher in baseball. A small sample of Johan's work: Leads the league in strikeouts in the past five years, has finished in the top ten in VORP each of the past four years, and has a career 3.22 ERA. And, oh yeah, he's in his prime.

Yesterday I thought the Mets were an 85 win team. Today, despite bullpen problems and concerns about left field, right field, and catcher, I feel like the playoffs are suddenly possible again. Omar, maybe you're a better man than I thought.

Santana Signs with Mets; God Exists


Santana's on the Mets!

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Barry's Mind is Blown

Barry Bonds is seen sitting in a large chair, his figured silhouetted by the slowly burning fire. Barry's lawyer, Michael Rains, has entered the room to discuss the perjury charges against Barry.

Rains: Ehm... Barry?

Bonds: Ah, my dear Michaelangelo, how does the day find you? As I sit here in this expansive room with only my mind to occupy me, I wonder which of Socrates' famous six questions most applies to my life right now.

Rains: Oh, that's fan-fucking-tastic, Barry, but you've got some perjury charges against you that we need to address.

Bonds: I think "What is justice?" is most fitting, don't you? Like Socrates states in The Republic, just--

Rains: Barry, shut the fuck up, we need to focus on the matter at hand. You could be looking at some serious jail time.

Bonds: No, you listen to me you shitfaced bitch. Nobody talks to Barry Lamar like that. Besides, I'm not concerned about any "serious jail time." I've figured out a way to fool the bastards. Jedi mind tricks.

Rains: Barry this isn't the time for you to be playing your stupid games. Remember the time you were convinced the Smurfs were plotting global domination?

Bonds: This is different. Watch. Waves hand in front of Rains' face. You will not charge me for your services.
Rains: ...Yeah, Barry, that's not going to trick anyone except that guy who goes to each Star Wars movie dressed up like Jar Jar Binks.

Bonds: We'll see.

Scene changes to a courtroom, where Barry is being questioned about perjury charges.



I don't really know who questions people in court so we're going to pretend it's Nets head coach Lawrenece Frank: Mr. Canseco, you may have noticed that my team sucks major pelican cock this year. I mean, outside of the Big Two (you suck, Vince) we've really got nothing going for us. Also, did you do steroids and then lie about it?


Bonds: Yes. FUCK. I mean... You don't need to know that.

Lawrence Frank: Mr. Mc-Gwire-Sosa, I'm afraid you have indeed perjured yourself, this means--

David Stern in a black robe: You're fuckin' suspended for a year, asshole! I control the world!

Lawrence Frank: Someone get that power hungry asshole out of here, please?

Barry wields a plastic lightsaber and is restrained while trying to pull an Antoio Davis on David Stern.

Bonds: You haven't seen the last of me, fuckers!!!

Thursday, January 24, 2008

We've Got Nothing Better than "-Gate"?


The object pictured above is a gate. Gates were first made famous during the first battle of Thermopylae in 480 BC, when Xerxes convinced his Persian army to jump over a gate in order to out flank the Spartans. Since this day, the term gate has been used by people with no sense of humor to describe bad things.

One recent example of this was Spygate, where... fuck it, if you don't know what that is, stop reading. Anyway, mainstream sports people started adding -gate to the whole Belichick camera incident, and everybody felt clever for being involved. Now we've got Bootgate, a reference to Tom Brady's foot... which is in a boot.

Get it?

Germans Laugh at Tom Brady's Injury


"Das Boot! Das Boot!"

Helmut: Ooh I'm soo sad dat poor little Tom Brady has a boo-boo on his footie!

Hans: Ya, ya, what a wimpy girly man he is!

Wolfgang: I mean seriously, it's all Moss and Welker dat make him look good you know...



Landfill: Hey, why don't you lay off our American Hero!


Hans: Ooh ya look who is here to back him up!  A bunch of Fratboy Americans!


Helmut: Ya, stupid College Students!  Look how wasted they are!


Jan: Oh yeah, actually... We're not that drunk!


Fink: Yeah, I got class tomorrow!


Helmut: Ya whatever!  So with your wonderful Tom Brady out, our man Eli will totally knock you out!


Todd: Since when is Eli German?


Jan: I don't know, what does it matter, they're both a bunch of bitches who couldn't finish a wine-cooler!


Landfill: Hey Germany, at least the American can get himself a hot-ass girlfriend!


Hans: What? Giselle Bundchen?  You see that last name fatass? She is part German!  


Wolfgang: Ya asshole, and besides, Jessica Simpson is totally hotter!


Fink: Hey fuck you, you nazi shithead!  Her and Romo broke up!

Todd: Yeah, and Abby McGrew?  More of a man than Eli!

Helmut: You take that back, you swine!

A huge brawl ensues, fists and beer are flying everywhere.  At the end of it, the Americans, with the spirit of Tom Brady guiding them, are victorious.  The Germans have nothing left other than to quote their beloved Manning...


Hans: Aww, shucks.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Denny's PBA Tour: Thug League?


It seems like every pro sports league is dealing with problems. The MLB has steroids, the NBA has on-court fighting, the NFL has Michael Vick, and the NHL has Canadiens. But what you don't hear about is all the recent turmoil surrounding the Professional Bowling Association...

December 15th 2006: Pete Webber arrested outside a Kansas City Wal-Mart for stealing Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector on DVD.

March 22nd 2007: Norm Duke files for bankruptcy after losing all National Championship winnings on PartyPoker.com.

April 17th 2007: Don Johnson gets into fight with Snack Bar servant after not receiving an adequate amount of cheese with his nachos.

May 5th 2007: Cinco de Mayo!

June 19th 2007: Walter Ray James Jr. arrested for sexually assaulting a stripper, spousal abuse, and battery against a minor all on the same night, all against the same woman.

August 4th 2oo7: After watching Oceans 13, the top five Bowlers on PBA money list are arrested outside the Atlantic City Mohegan Sun.

December 30th 2007: Parker Bohn III brings shame to the league after photos surface of him with giant snow penis.


Yes it's a tragic tale of excess and debauchery in America's favorite thing to do when there's nothing else going on. Hopefully with a new EA video game coming out in the future, the Association can hope to rebuild its image.




Oh, and Pete Weber eats babies:



Sunday, January 20, 2008

Wow


Son of a bitch! I don't think I've ever been more wrong about anything, ever, than I was about Elisha Manning and the New York Giants.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Daly Hurts His Rib


ESPN
reports that notorious fat bastard golfer John Daly has withdrawn from the Bob Hope Classic with a "lingering rib injury." They failed to mention, however, that he injured his ribs when he tried to eat them after running out of food in his house. It's kind of like the time David Blaine ate his own head.

Celebrities Eating Babies

Okay so its kind of a slow news day... I guess it's time for a post of Celebrities Eating Babies!!!


















Friday, January 18, 2008

Ravens Hire Some Guy No One's Heard of


Otto Von Bismarck may have unified Germany, but not even he knows not who the fuck John Harbaugh is.

After Cowboys offensive coordinator Jason Garrett turned down the head coach position, the Ravens weren't sure where to turn next. Luckily for them, some random coach that no one has ever heard of was more than willing to take the job. John (Jon?) Harbaugh spent the 2007 season as Philadelphia's secondary coach and was very pleased to have gotten the job. "You kiddin' me?," questioned Harbaugh, "I'd never even thought about head coaching until they called me. I coach the secondary! I don't know shit about coaching offensive players and the like."

Ravens quarterback Steve McNair seem confused as to who his new head coach was. "Harborough? No, Harberson? Oh, Harbaugh. Nah, never heard of the guy. He's the new coach?! Shit." It's clear that while this man may not even have existed before today, ESPN tried to pull off the story as if they knew who he was. They didn't, says Stuart Scott: "I was all, wikka-wikka, who is this Harbaugh dude up in this joint?! Ebonics!"

Eagles head coach Andy Reid was too busy doing a line of coke off the 50 yard line to respond. When asked his opinion, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick twirled his imaginary mustache while laughing maniacally and quietly mumbling "all goes according to plan..."

Go Home, Son


The real number 3.


These days, I don't watch much of the NBA. Back when I was 14 or so, (a whole four years ago!) I was big into the long-shorted tall men playing with the roundball. I'm sure that, at this point, most people are sick of hearing from Knicks fans about their bullshit, and rightfully so. We've had a pretty good history, but you'll hear the fans moan like they've been rooting for the Clippers the last 50 years. What I'm trying to say is, I started to lose faith around the arrival of Isiah and the so-called savior, Starbury.

So the Knicks have been swallowing major baboon loads at an increasing pace for the last 3-4 years. Recently, they have given me hope, however. These shitty motherfuckers are on a three game winning streak. Without Marbury. The only way Steph could be a worse influence on the team is if he was doing shots with Vin Baker before games. What the fuck am I trying to say? I honestly don't know, I just hate Marbury. I want him out.

Things that I would rather do/have happen than keep Marbury on the Knicks through this season.
-Bill Simmons moves to New York and becomes a fan of my favorite teams. Shitty, pompous articles ensue.
-The Mets blow an even bigger lead at the end of September in 2008.
-David Wright trades himself to the Yankees, takes a giant shit on pitchers mound.
-ESPN Featured Commenting 101 becomes a required course for graduation at my school.
-Lose all my Metallica albums except Load and Reload.
-Stuart Scott narrates my life.
-Piss sitting down. Shit creeps me out, man.


Fuck Stephon Marbury.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

In Depth with ESPN Featured Comments


Easily one of the worst games of all time.

I began putting up the occasional "ESPN Featured Comment," (which can be seen on the right side of ESPN's home page towards the bottom) a few months ago. Once I saw Deadspin started doing the same thing, I stopped. Me going against Deadspin is something akin to Jamal Crawford doing one of those ridiculous shimmy dribble-drives into the middle of five defenders, amazed that a foul is not called once his shot clangs away harmlessly.

One of the following is a real ESPN featured comments. The other four were created by me after listening to the entire album of Return to the 36 Chambers by the ODB. Try to guess in the comments which one is the real comment! 'Cause we get tons of comments.

"Bud Selig will be commissioner until at least 2012, which means that we have at least five seasons left of Bud." - RoyalsRooooool85
"The Cowboys may have had a great regular season record, but they didn't get it done when it counted." - tomp17
"The Giants have their work cut out for them in Green Bay, but New York has proven itself." - kcmallory
"Jessica Simpson in Cabo FTL!!!!!!!!!1" - Treywingoooobaby
"Is it just me, or does Nene seem to be hurt a lot?" - johnnyboy82


Popeye Jones agrees.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Zombie News is Good News




Hey remember the talks of Diary of the Dead?  Well nobody else does.  Seriously what the fuck happened, this is killing my reporting credibility.  Apparently it's getting limited release on the weekend of February 15th.  Whatever.

Well, in order to subdue your appetite for rotting flesh until the next George Romero flick, a George Romero remake is coming out!  

They already re-made the re-animated corpses of Night (1968, again in 1990) and Dawn (1978, again in 2004).  So the next logical step was to remake Day (1985, again in...um soon).  Sadly, it's going straight to DVD.  Here's the trailer (with Ving Rhames!!):






Now I know what you're thinking: "wow that looks shitty."  Now, now, that's not the point.  We have a legit chance of seeing Nick Cannon having his head ripped off and guts being eaten.  If that's not worth the $10.50 to see a movie, I don't know what is.  

Monday, January 14, 2008

You Bastards!!!!!!!!!


You jerks! What the hell has Tony Romo ever done to you? He's a good quarterback! When Drew Bledsoe was sucking up the joint, who came in to be your savior? Tony!

So what if he totally messed up the snap last year and lost us the game? I still believed in Tony! He led us to a great season this year, and if it weren't for all of my dropped balls we'd have done even better! Tony is a Pro Bowl quarterback!

So what if the girly man Elisha Manning was able to lead his inferior team to two playoff wins before Tony could lead us to one? I believe in Tony, and I plan on sticking with him until we win a Superbowl!

[Reporters leave]

Rosenhaus? Yeah, the reporters are gone. They bought the whole fuckin' crying act, son! Let's get up out of this bitch! HELLO NEW ENGLAND.

T.O. Cares

"Leave Tony Alone!!!"

Friday, January 11, 2008

Announcing the 2018 World Series of Poker


Lon McEachern: Welcome back to our coverage of the 42nd running of the World Series of Poker!

Norman Chad: Here we are Lon, and some may say that interest has gone down since the "Poker Boom" of the early 2000s, but I say... well nobody listens to me anyway.

Lon: Ha, oh Norman.  Well as we move back into our feature table, we see that Jamie Gold is once again our chip leader!

Norm: Man that guy is a douchebag.

Lon: Right you are Norm, we can only hope that needle dick can blow his lead.

Norm: With only 40 people left in the tournament, Jamie now has almost 50% of the chips in play!

Lon: Well you must remember, only 45 people actually entered this thing.

Norm: 45? I've had more ex-wives!

Lon: I know, Norm.  You have some serious commitment issues that need professional help.

Norm: Did I mention Phil Hellmuth is currently in 5th place!  Although all the other professionals have retired from the WSOP after Doyle Brunson died and called the tournament "Super Gay" in his will, Phil has decided to keep playing in order to win more bracelets.  

Lon: That and he stole all of Todd's inheritance.

Norm: Sure do love Phil Hellmuth, Lon!


- Commercial Break -
Miller Lite Commercials now have even larger beer cans that crush entire countries when they make "non-manly" moves.  Here, Austria is crushed for it's involvement in The Sound of Music.


Lon: And we're back!  We skipped ahead, being as that we only get a half hour of air time on ESPN2 now, and are down to our final two!

Norman: Finally the moment we've all been waiting for.  The only big names in the tournament, Hellmuth and Gold, have both been eliminated, and it looks like the bracelet will either go to some quiet old guy, or some annoying asshole just out of college.  

Lon: This sucks, now we're gonna have one of these dickheads on the PokerStars commercials for the next year.

Norman: You know my ex-wife took away my PokerStars account.  She took everything in the divorce, including my manhood...

Lon: Norman no one cares about your fuckin' problems!  No one cares about this fuckin' tournament!  What the fuck!  The Pot is $43,000!  I took a shit and sold it for more than that! Fuck this, I'm going back to announcing the Scrabble world championhsips.

Norman: ... and it's a three!  Looks like Johnny McFucknut is the winner!  I hate my life!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Favre Signs Long-Term Deal


The Associated Press
Bumfuck, Wisconsin

Future hall of fame quarterback Brett Favre has, for the past few years, had a hard time deciding whether or not it was time to hang up his pads. Today, however, weeks before the Super Bowl, Favre announced that he would like to return for next season. Favre's wife, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said earlier today that Favre is close to signing a long term extension with the team.

The new extension is said to be a 23 year, 465 million dollar deal that will extend through the 2030 season. Inside sources (again, his wife) say that Favre is ecstatic about the deal. "Honey, those suckers are going to be paying me the big bucks way after Glenn Dorsey is retired!"

Packers coach Mike McCarthy is less than thrilled about the rumored deal, however. "Favre? 23 more years? You've got to be shitting me. He's not going to be able to gunsling in 5 years! He'll just be slinging! JUST SLINGING!"

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Isiah Thomas Manages Breakfast


Isiah: Well alright then, seems to be breakfast time and boy am I famished.

Denny's Waitress: Good morning Mr. Thomas, can I start you off with something to drink?

Isiah: Let's see, it would make sense to start off with a cup of coffee, and it would be an equally respectable decision to order a glass of freshly-squeezed orange juice... But you know what, I think I'm gonna take a risk and order a shot of tequila.

Waitress: Wait, what? You want a shot of tequila with your breakfast? Are you sure?

Isiah: I know it may looks strange, but  I have faith in it.

Waitress: Whatever, so, um, would you like that with or without the worm?

Isiah: Worm please.  Thank you kindly.

Waitress: I'll be right back with your order then.

While the waitress is fixing his drink, Isiah attempts to unfold his napkin on to his lap, only to mistake the table jukebox for his lap, making something of a curtain over the CD selector.

Waitress: Okay sir here is your shot, along with your salt and lime.  Are you ready to order your meal?

Isiah: I think so, I'm just having some trouble.  What would you recommend?

Waitress: Well, the French Toast Grand Slam is always a favorite, and the Fruit Salad is a yummy and healthy option.

Isiah: Hmm, each has their strong points, and I  know my nutritionist, wife, children, and probably everyone else in the world would want me to choose the healthy Fruit plate... but I saw something in the menu about Nachos covered in beef and cheese, how about that?

Waitress: Nachos Nuevos?! That really has no place here.  I mean rarely does it even come out good, and even when it does you only regret your decision later.  I honestly can't imagine this working out in your favor.

Isiah: Oh well that's only because you aren't a Coach and GM of an NBA team.  These decisions just come easy to me.

Waitress: I can't imagine what is going on in your head.  Well you get a side with your breakfast.  I would highly recommend something healthy, maybe some toast, eggs or even a grapefruit possibly?

Isiah: It may seem like good side order is the only thing that can save this breakfast, and the home fries are available... Oh you have Tiramisu!  I love Tiramisu!  My I would love to have me some of that with my meal.

Waitress: What? That's not even a side dish, that's a dessert!  Why are you focused on dessert, when you really ought to get your breakfast together first?  I give up.  Anything else you want?

Isiah: I want some of the sweet ass of yours honey.

Waitress: Of course, your sexual harassment lawsuit is coming right up.

Negotiations Between Pete Carroll and Arthur Blank



Arthur Blank: Thanks for sitting down with me, Pete. As I'm sure you know, we've had an incredibly difficult season here in Atlanta. First it was Michael and the dogfighting, then Petrino -THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!!!! ehm, sorry about that- just decided to leave us in the middle of the season.

Pete Carroll: I totally understand, Mr. Blank. Though we had a great season at USC, capped off with a dominating Rose Bowl victory, I feel as if the time has come for me to come back into the NFL. I think that the Falcons are a talented team, and that with some good coaching and drafting, we could make a playoff run next year. I do have some requests, however.

Blank: Please, I'm more than willing to negotiate.

Carroll: Fantastic. I'm looking to make a long term commitment, so we're going to have to come together on nothing less than a 22 year contract.

Blank: My goodness, Pete, that's fantastic! I'm glad to see your dedication.

Carroll: Good, I'm glad we're understanding each other on that. Now, if there's anything I've learned from other college coaches who tried to make it in the NFL, it's that as soon as the going gets tough, you get the hell out of there. So, I've got a number of other conditions:
1. If more than one player in a given week says something negative to the media, I'm out.
2. If we lose three games in a row, or more, I have the right to terminate my contract.
3. If any player is ever late for practice or a team meeting, I will cut him and then leave the team permanently.
How do we feel about that, Mr. Blank?

Blank: Pete... I really thought you would be dedicated to this team. I thought you wanted to stick it out with us through the hard times and make the Falcons a perennial contender.

Carroll: I do, Mr. Blank. Well, I guess I don't. I want to win, sir!

Blank: Get the hell out of my office.

Carroll: But, Mr. Blank!

Blank: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY OFFICE!!!

[Carroll leaves, Blank sobs gently into a handkerchief.]

Blank: Christine, please send in Steve Spurrier.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

The Occasional Sports Ticker that Doesn't Actually Scroll Across Your Screen Like It Does on Sports Pickle

-Everywhere I keep seeing that "Brady" won offensive player of the year, and it makes me think, Brady Quinn barely even played, man.
-Matt Ryan excited to be second quarterback in 12 month span to give Jet fans hope and subsequently take it all away.
-Ohio State feeling pretty comfortable it can hold on to that 10 point lead against LSU.
-Just checking in: Gregg Easterbrook of ESPN predicted after week one of the NFL season that Bill Belichick would be fired in order to save the Patriots. How'd that work out there, Gregg?
-Jose Canseco thinks baseball Hall of Fame voters are racist because they put McGwire in and not him. Wait, huh?
-After receiving a blowjob from her, Terell Owens no longer sees Jessica Simpson as a distraction to the Cowboys.

It's Bigger than We All Thought

[On the set of The Sports Reporters] Mike Lupica: And so... another tough loss for the Knicks... maybe if they can pull... together... no, no more. Fuck this shit. This team is a bag of ass shat directly out of Julio Franco's lower intestine. Fuck you, Isiah. Look what you've done... LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!!!!!!!! [Lupica given a sedative, taken away on a stretcher]

[Darth Sidious turns off the television] Darth Sidious: Good... good. You have done well, my young apprentice. The entire media has turned against the New York Knickerbockers, we have almost finished them. Describe once more how you've slowly destroyed one of basketball's most storied franchises.

Isiah Thomas: It was all too easy, master. Almost immediately upon arriving as team president, I traded for the most cancerous player I could find: Marbury. I went so far as to give them false hope, making the playoffs in my first year. Any thought of further improvement was soon squashed, however. The number of ridiculous contracts that I brought in is unrivaled! Malik Rose, Jerome James, Jamal Crawford, Penny Haradaway, Jalen Rose, and Steve Francis! I am not a bad general manager, I am a historically bad general manager! The transformation of the Knicks from the Riley/Van Gundy Era is complete!

Darth Sidious: Not quite yet. I have heard rumblings that David Stearn is considering shutting down the Knicks for good because you've made them such an embarrassment. There is one thing left to do, and the destruction of this team will be complete: Make David Lee, our lone bright spot, a selfish and dirty player. Have him make trouble at a strip club, whatever it takes! When this is complete, we can finally kill the puppet James Dolan.

[Evil cackles]

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Fuck This, I'm Out


I've finally been pushed too far. Just because I look lik we a beaten up Adam Sandler with a goofy haircut doesn't mean I don't have feelings, too. You bastards heard me right, I want a trade out of this sad excuse for a city. Willis pulled it off last year, so why can't I?

I mean, I guess it helped that McGahee was actually a good player. But, come on, my record speaks for itself! I led this team to a 7-9 record last year. That's one win away from mediocrity! My 19 touchdowns and 14 interceptions were practically Pro Bowl worthy numbers. Well, I mean, if you add ten touchdowns and subtract five picks, I'm right up there with the best! Right? Guys?

No response? That's what I'm used to from this team, anyway. This year, after Everett almost got "paralyzed for life" (exaggeration, hello!) no one stopped to say, "Oh, J.P., you played great today!" There was no "J.P., are you going to be OK after seeing your teammate injured like that?" It was all about Kevin and how Kevin was doing.

That Trent Edwards is a real piece of shit, anyway. Just because he has a great attitude and better overall skills than me doesn't mean he should replace me. I've been fucking with that guy all year long, just so he knows who the real starting quarterback is in these parts. That little shit didn't think everything was so cool when I called him and told him Kevin died in a hospital bed. That really showed him.

Anyway, I'm ready to take my considerable talents to a contender who will really appreciate me. Someone like the Jets, maybe. I've always heard they've been tolerant of new players breaking into the system. I'm going to a be a star, a huge star! And you're all going to be sorry you didn't appreciate Jonathan Paul while he was here!

Oh, and Everett, I ate all your pudding while you were knocked out by morphine, bitch!