MDEF2 Exclusive! Inside the Roger Clemens Contract

Everyone is talking about The Rocket's new deal, and all the perks and luxuries he receives. You may already know that he does not have to travel with the team on the road, but take a look at these lesser known details:

Article 1, Section B: When Roger is with the team, Don Mattingly is required to give Roger a foot massage whenever Roger deems Necessary.

Article 3, Line 17: Roger shall be the only Yankee with a name written on the back of his jersey. However, it will not read "Clemens," rather "Ninja Master" will be spelled out.

Article 4.6, Sentence 4: Roger is allowed to get up to go to the bathroom during the singing of God Bless America.

Article 08, Section 80: As you know, Roger does not like hot dogs, in fact he despises them. From this point on, hot dogs shall no longer be sold in Yankee Stadium. Instead people can buy 'Roger Clemens All-natural soy bean meal replacement bars'.

Article 9, Paragraph 18: Walkie Talkies must be provided to both Roger, and his BFFL Andy Pettite. Also, a moderator must be hired to settle disputes over games of "The Trains on the Track."

Article 3.14159..., Line 1: Roger's son, Koby Clemens, must be signed to a Yankee Contract equal to that of Roger's. Koby shall start every game at third base. He shall hit leadoff, cleanup, and serve as a DH if he so chooses. After playing in his first game, his number must be retired and a shrine created in monument park.
Line 1-A: Also, Lakers star Kobe Bryant must change his first name as to avoid confusion.

Article 99, Section 00: Mariano Rivera must stop sucking, so that Roger does accumulate any no decisions after great performances.

Article Q, Paragraph 8: On days when it is "like really hot," a dome must be constructed. If not, Mike Mussina must cool off Roger with a folded looseleaf paper fan.

Article 1984, Line Tangent: Only Yankee batters on Roger's fantasy team are allowed to get hits and RBIs. In addition, A-Rod needs to start putting up more of those April numbers or risk being dropped from "The Raging Rockets."

After hearing about these sections of the contract, teammate Kyle Farnsworth is quoted as saying "Wow, Roger has a nifty deal there." Obviously Farnsworth as some kind of vendetta against the Cy Young winner, and is only trying to ruin the team chemistry in the Yankee clubhouse.

The Weekly Sports Ticker

-Bruce Bowen stabs Steve Nash with a hunting knife; Greg Popovich sees no foul.
-Rockets fire Jeff Van Gundy but sign the bags under his eyes to a 3-year extension.
-Tony Parker makes foul shot, still French.
-Manu Ginobili's bald spot holds three tourists hostage at the team hotel.
-Jimmy Rollins thinks Yankees are team to beat in AL East.
-Each one of Roger Clemens' 58 pitches in his Friday minor league start cured a child with Leukemia. Also, each time The Rocket wins, it counts as 2 wins for the Yankees, and 1 loss for the Red Sox.
-Floyd Landis pisses Orange soda in his latest drug test, baffles officials.
-Cam Cameron not impressed by Rickey Williams' gift of fruit basket, dime bag.

John Kruk's Top Google Searches

- Cupcake Recipes

- Paris Hilton Tape

- Grand Theft Auto III cheat codes

- Fantasy Baseball Tips

- Weight Watchers Dessert Ideas

- Protective Cups that DON'T BREAK

- Cheap Haircuts

- Paris Hilton Tape for Free

- Gamblers Anonymous

- Shrine To John Kruk*

*Oh he found it

Signs of a Sports Douchebag

You know That Guy. You've seen him at games, you're in fantasy sports leagues together; heck, you might have even gone to school with them once! No one likes this people, no one. If you fear that you or one of your loved ones may be a sports douchebag, check for the following signs:

-he roots for a team outside of New York even though he was born and raised in New York.
-He tries to insist that the Yankees and Red Sox have a rivalry, despite the Yankees winning 98% of the time.
*if he has a Red Sox fan, he bought an incredible amount of team apparel after their World Series victory in order to better say "Hey, look at me, I'm an asshole."
-In fantasy sports, he drops one fringe second baseman in order to pick up another fringe second baseman in order to assert his dominance as a "guru."
*He KNOWS that this is the week the .008 difference in Luis Castillo's and Chris Burke's OBP
is really gonna make a difference.
-He insists the reason David Wright isn't hitting well is because he throws his helmet after at bats.
-He believes that Alex Rodriguez is not "clutch," and that Derek Jeter is a god.
-He has second and, yes, THIRD favorite teams.
-90% of the time, these teams have just recently won a championship or absolutely come out of nowhere to be good.
-He will make up random statistics and insist they're true, despite the fact that you're at Baseball Prospectus and looking at Berkman's OBP.
*It's not always limited to current stats, however. He may insist that Wilt Chamberlain scored 101 points in a game.
-He calls Mark Messier a "piece of shit."

Bill Cosby's NBA Pick

Ya see, the kids, they watch the SPURS, which gives them the brain damage! With the kickin' of the Bowen and the punkin' of the Duncans, so they don't know what the JAZZ is all about!


Bill Cosby says: Go Jazz!

Ray Lewis, Master Interviewer

The Ravens very own former all-pro linebacker interviews the team's first round draft pick, OG Ben Grubbs.

Ray Lewis: Hey, rookie, let me get your thoughts on some hard hitting questions.

Ben Grubbs: Sounds good, Ray, let's go for it.

Ray Lewis: You ever make love to an oriental woman while simultaneously watching "Three's Compnay"?

BG: ..what?

RL: (takes out one of his knives) Now who's asking the questions, mother fucker!

BG: Alright, Christ! No, I haven't.

RL: You ever lick the asshole of a Cambodian immigrant?

BG: Cambodia?

RL: You ever color your testicles with magic markers?

BG: Magic...?

RL: Do you feel like you can improve our offensive line this year?

BG: Well, I'm gonna come to training camp in shape and try my --

RL: Shut the fuck up, rookie! You ever try to put 20 Swedish meatballs in your mouth at once and have Ed Reed piledrive your stomach?

BG: What the fuck are you talking about?

RL: Oh, I'll teach you to use foul language in front of the Lord, rookie! This interview is over! ::Stabs Ben Grubbs in the stomach::

WOOOOO! Time to work on Ray Ray's new dance.

Vince Carter + Mountain Dew =

Complete Vinsanity!

And you thought jumping a 7' Frenchman was ridiculous.

Vince Carter bows to no man!

UPDATE: Vince Carter bows to LeBron.

SECOND UPDATE: Upon further review, Frédéric Weis is in fact 7' 2"

NY Mets Join Cult, Win Game

Batting practice and shagging balls in the outfield wasn't enough. Nope, it took inspiration from baseball guru Britney Spears for David Wright to break out of his slump.

Jose Reyes and Billy Wagner were skeptical to join in this taboo ritual, for they both are hardcore Mormons. As for the rest, they quickly followed their fearless leader and shaved their skulls as a sign of brotherhood. After the hair fell, Pedro Cerrano led the team in a common voodoo ritual, and sacrificed a chicken.

Will this trend spread? It worked wonders for the Mets, who won today, and for Wright, who drove in the winning runs.

NY Mets, the team, the time, the hairless.

Celebrity Playlist: Brady Quinn

1. Touch It - Busta Rhymes
2. If You Must - Nirvana
3. Gimme Back My Bullets - Lynyrd Skynyrd
4. Relax - Frankie Goes to Hollywood
5. Come Out and Play - The Offspring
6. Bloody Chunks - Cannibal Corpse
7. Ultimate Satisfaction - Ludacris
8. Use My Third Arm - Pantera
9. Caress Me Down - Sublime

Photo from Kissing Suzy Kolber

Stephen A., Just Because

"Can't you see I'm righteously indignant?!"

Kruk Redux!

I'm sorry I ever doubted you, Mr. Kruk. Workers of ESPN, unite! You have nothing to lose but your jobs.

Save the Children!

Oh please, somebody stop these Aluminum Bats!

Metal Bats are the Devil!

When I signed little Trevor up for Little League, I knew he would be outdoors for extended periods of time, but nobody told me they would be using deadly weapons! The grass is bad enough for his allergies, now I have to worry about somebody hitting a ball at him too hard! Why are these children hitting so much! Their parents should know better. I've done my part, Trevor's only 11 and weighs 300 pounds. Not only that, he couldn't hit a minivan with a surfboard.

But these other kids are athletes! Trevor plays his baseball 2k game all day, and can't hit half as good as these kids. If it wasn't for the catcher's mask he wheres out there in left field, he could have lost an eyeball.

Okay, I know the real reason this sport is so dangerous for my Trevy-Wevy. It's those bats! If only they weren't so....so....aluminum! Of course, wooden bats would make it so much safer. The kids would either strike out, or hit it right into Trevor's double-padded glove. Anybody who approves of metal bats doesn't care about children and should be kicked out of the PTA.

Oh thank God for me. How smart am I? This is the best idea since buying from Costco. Join LaMAA! Lame Mothers Against Aluminum!

The Sports Ticker

-Bobby Cox planning to stab umpire in celebration of breaking the all time ejections record.
-Dirk Nowitzki to put MVP trophy between his balls and heart on the shelf.
-Curt Schilling hangs self in order to get more attention in between starts.
-Yankees hope banning booze in clubhouse will help headcases Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera stay focused on the field.
-Josh Hamilton demands no trade clause in his contract, but only to the Yankees.
-Jaguars devastated to learn Byron Leftwich is healthy, able to play.
-Isiah Thomas given contract extension for coaching his nephew's PAL team to .500 record.
-John Amaechi would like you to know he's gay. Also, did he mention he's gay?
-Sebastian Telfair found in Central Park burning copies of "Through the Fire" for warmth.
-Mariners still confident signing Jeff Weaver was a good move.
-Pacman Jones suspension repealed under the condition that he "tries really hard this time."

Sportscentury: The Juggernaut

This particular episode started when our heroes were discussing a new Mario video:

Johnny Ish: Man that was some good stuff, but it's no Juggernaut

Buster Douglas: Well the thing is, Juggy was Juggy, it could never really be Juggy in the way Spongebob was almost like Juggy.

JI: I'm always hearing "Oh, he's gonna be the next Juggy," or "It's The Juggernaut, jr." but these young folk just don't seem to get that, even if they have the talent, there really will never be another Juggy.

BD: I really feel like he changed the way the game will be played forever.

JI: I agree, he just had such an unbridled enthusiasm to go out and play every day. You just don't see that from a lot of guys today. I mean, he knew how to play the game the right way. Do you remember his catch phrase about going out and playing every day?

BD: I sure do! "I been waitin' for this shit all my motherfuckin' life!" Now, I mean, I haven't seen dedication like that since Cal Ripken, jr.

JI: Critics like to say that he was just another Welterweight Champion of the World, but I don't think that's a fair point.

BD: I konw bro, the thing about Juggy was, he had shit FALLIN' down on him while he was defending his title. You think Jack Dempsey could have done that? UNLIKELY.

JI: People also tend to forget the era in which he played the game. I mean, he was playing back when Beast had chest hair dandruff!

BD: Now, to be fair, he did have some off the field issues. I mean, there was that one binge night where he broke Wilt Chamberlain's 10,000 lady record in a mere thirty minutes.

JI: He had the post moves of Bill Walton, we all know this. But I think his most outstanding attribute was his incredible court vision; he could often be seen practicing by staring off into the sea with his motherfuckin' pimp cane.

BD: Well, Johnny, along with those quick hands came a quick wit. As he would often point out, once his rivals had made it known they wanted their money back, that he had custom made their suits. And it was true!

JI: I think Juggy really spoke volumes when he encouraged kids to wear helmets starting in the fourth grade. I mean, it really made the already hated Charles even more loathed for his "I am not a role model" stance.

BD: Will someone eventually catch up in terms of MVPs and titles? I say yes. But noone, I say noone, will ever change the game the way Juggy did.

David Wells, John Kruk, and a Cupcake!

A battle that wages brother against brother, and father against son. A centuries long struggle for dominance in a brutal society ruled by thuggery. This civil war will not end until the Masters of the Universe have ended their struggle: Which one of these fat gods will find the world's last cupcake and become Earth's fattest athlete once and for all?

Kruk. Wells.
Cupcake Wars

Rated R for sweet revenge and just desserts!

The Sad Saga of the Rally Monkey

What has happened to this beloved mascot?

Life was sweet for Katie, the White Haired Capuchin Monkey, but that was 2002. Since that magical World Series, the Angels have changed their name, got a new owner, and left the poor simian to fend for herself. Katie had no where to go. The Angels were rallying all by themselves, and Katie had to look for work on her own.

Michael Eisner wasn't returning her calls. Katie was falling into a downward spiral. She was desperate, doing anything for money. She hit rock bottom when she started dancing topless in front of the monkey cage at the local zoo. Tears were flowing as she shimmied, but it was putting bananas on the table.

She is trying to turn her life around now. With the help of the McDonald's Quarter-Pounders for College program, she is trying to accomplish what her Father, Abu, never could. The latest is that she is working the late-night drive thru. However, there were rumors that a Brazilian Soccer Team wanted her. Turned out they just wanted to eat her before their next match, and fortunately Katie was able to escape before it was too late. If only the Angels would start sucking again, then the rally monkey could be called on, and all would be right again in the AL West.

The Chronicles of Scott Van Pelt

Fuck. Another NASCAR highlight.

How much longer do I need to keep this shit eating grin on my face? I hope Lawrence fixed my acoustic, it's just not the same listening to Phish without it. I tried to show Stuart my new lyrics, but that ebonics spewing wacko wouldn't stop shouting on about his "man, the Schwab." Maybe I'll get some nice, relaxing baseball highlights and we can call it a day. Why couldn't I be on Baseball Tonight? They let dumbass Steve Phillips host the show and they wouldn't even give me an audition! The other day he came in with his pants on backwards and tried to play it off like he knew. He didn't. That douche doesn't know Alex Gonzalez from Alex Gonzalez.

Alright, come on Scotty, let's try to relax. In two hours you'll be at "The Last Drop" showing everyone how deep and sensitive you are. Bro, you are so getting laid tonight! Okay, just the Top Ten and we're out.

"Okay so here's your Top Ten plays of the day!" Oh what the shnizz is this, nothing happened today. The biggest sporting event of this miserable day was when Eli Manning started crying midway through our "Sunday Conversation." Goddamit.

10. Grady Sizemore makes a catch. Whatever.
9. Gay.
7. Brodeur makes a save. How the hell is that number seven? Is that even hard to do? It bounced off his skate!
6. Super Gay.
5. Women's College Softball?! What is this!?
4. I forgot number 8! Shit, it's too late for that.
3. Berman is gonna eat my sack when he finds out I skipped over David "Mr." Wright's homer.
2. Ugh this is gonna be worse than the time he thought I stole his bearclaw. That was MY bearclaw, asshole.
1. ...The same Grady Sizemore catch from number 10? Am I the only person who... you know what, forget it. I quit this job. I'm gonna go join Bronson's band and I'll never have to see these fuckers again.